in conversation re: when I feel hurt by him how do we resolve that. I want to talk about it. He wants to forget that it ever happened. Actually he does forget bc as he often tells me Time for him is Now or Not Now. Nothing else exists. Whereas I remember every detail and if it is emotionally intense I remember it very vividly. This is a long standing intense conflict for us. Once again I found myself thinking that my ADD husband just isn't capable of imagining what it is like to be married to him and it is not possible for him to imagine my feelings. He believes that I am hurting and he is apologetic but he seems truly unable to imagine how he would feel if he were me. Is this typical for people with ADD? It feels like a lack of empathy which makes me nervous bc I have a history of abuse by a 1st husband who has no empathy no remorse and no conscience. So I freely admit that I am extra sensitive about this. Yet. as an empath it is so hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of being unable to imagine how it would feel to experience another person's pain. I asked my husband how he would feel if I hurt him the way he hurt me. He was silent for a long time. I asked him to put himself in my shoes. He said he guessed he would probably feel hurt but he wasn't sure. He sounded almost a bit bewildered by the idea of trying to imagine what I was feeling.
So this came up again last night
Submitted by daizzebelle on 04/06/2019.
I think my ex has a hard time
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I think my ex has a hard time putting himself in other people's shoes: mine, his parents', our children's. He does have feelings, however. He cries during sad movies and TV shows. I am very empathetic, sometimes probably too much so. I truly think I was much better at understanding my ex's feelings than he was at understanding mine. That was bad for me, good for him, when we were married.
Yes, I can relate. I am an
Submitted by daizzebelle on
Yes, I can relate. I am an empath. Some days I feel it is a gift and other days it feels like a curse. I know that my husband has feelings ... although he is uncomfortable expressing sadness or anger and generally tries to hide those emotions. He is sympathetic to other's pain...but empathy is different from sympathy. So he feels bad that I feel bad but he doesn't/he can't( ?) imagine what my pain feels like to me.
Yes, closing the gap
Submitted by triedandtrue on
Daizzebelle, that's right, he cannot put himself in your shoes, he only knows how *he* might feel; low empathy is a hallmark of ADHD. So, make use of his ability to at least feel some sympathy (a step toward empathy).
With the caveat that no one will change unless they want to:
You might try to help him (and you) by letting him feel some of your pain. As 1Melody1 advised, join a group or activity, make new friends, broaden your support network. Do this at a time that's inconvenient for him - it will be challenging, I realize, to avoid inconvenience to your daughter as well. Though actions work better than words with ADHDers, some talk still might be in order. Don't complain about your hurt feelings, because he clearly doesn't relate to that. Instead, explain it in terms of stress and exhaustion: compare it to his anxiety when faced with juggling details / talking on the phone or his tiredness when he thinks about doing more than he now does. Maybe this could lead to a slight increase of the minimum load he currently enjoys. That might ease things for you a bit. But it sounds like a bit isn't enough for you anymore. I'm sorry.
Thanks so much tried And true
Submitted by daizzebelle on
That is good advice. Recently (about the last 3 mos) I have been stepping out of my comfort zone. I am an introvert and tend to stay home and read whenever possible. I joined a book club and I am volunteering 2 hrs a week with a non profit that serves people with disabilities. He doesn't seem bothered by me not being here when I'm away doing those things. But then again it's not like he has to change any of his plans so that I can go to these things. Anyway I'm enjoying it so I figure anything that I like doing enhances my life so it is worthwhile.
Empathy struggles
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I know where you are coming from with this. I also once had a narcissist in my life who truly had no empathy, remorse or conscience. This is a dark and mean type of personality. With my ADHD husband, the low empathy is different. He isn't a mean-spirited person, but he just truly can't see it. Here is an example from my life I think I shared before on here. When my daughter approaches him to spend time with her, 99% of the time, his response is that he is busy or doesn't want to do whatever she has suggested. (Note: he is almost never truly busy as he lives on the internet almost every waking hour he is at home.) He also never initiates quality time with her (a hallmark of ADHD, I know.) Over years, this rejection has taken a toll on our daughter. She approaches him less and she gets very upset, hurt and sometimes loud and angry when he turns her down. This happened again recently and once things died down I tried talking to him about how this dynamic makes our daughter (11) feel. I said something along the lines of, "Can't you see that when you seem disinterested in spending time with her and consistently turn her down that she feels that you don't want to be with her?" No. He could honestly not see that. He really looked at me with that exact word you used... bewilderment.
I really don't even know what to do with that. He can't see how I feel as the person doing all the grunt work in the relationship. He can't even understand why his moldy laundry frustrates me. He can't understand why I am angry when he has broken another promise. He can't understand that when he takes and wears my socks (stretching them out so I can never use them again) because he can't keep track of his, I am angry that I am the one who has to go to the store and replace my socks and find yet another new hiding place for them. And as an empath, I can see how HE feels. I see he feels like the naughty boy who has done something wrong again that he doesn't understand. I even see that he is trying his best sometimes and wants to make us happy but doesn't know how. I don't know how he can't have even basic empathy and there seems to be little remedy for it. I really understand what you are going through with this. You are not alone.
<p>It is unfair...I think
Submitted by daizzebelle on
<p>It is unfair...I think partners in life should share the grunt work...or if not then at least I would like for him to *acknowledge* that I do 98% of the grunt work. I'll give him 2% since he takes out the trash. Sigh.... Anyway, I am sorry you are going through this too...thank you for sharing. ..it does help me to know I am not alone ...sometimes I start to feel as though I am the only one living this kind of life. I know that comparison is the thief of joy and yet I feel so envious sometimes of friends whose husbands are self starters. They see that a thing needs to be done and they just do it!! Amazing!! Or my friend whose husband arranged child care, packed a bag and cheese and wine and took her to a B&B for their anniversary. I would love it if my husband would do either of those things!</p>
<p>I am sorry that your daughter is hurting. That must be so hard for her and you as well.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Interesting that both of us were formerly involved with narcissists/sociopaths and now both of us are married to ADDers. Wondering how often it is that empaths get sucked into relationships with no empathy people and despite that experience end up with a low empathy person for the next go round. Mind boggling. Although perhaps it's not really a puzzle that as an empath I have a blind spot for people with low empathy.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I can relate to the sock thing...maddening! My husband will take my car when his is low on gas and then return my car on empty. If I call him out on it he seems to feel somewhat bad but also doesn't really seem to get how inconsiderate it is to use up my gas and leave me with an empty tank that I now must take the extra time to stop for a fill up on my way to taking the girls to school. Yes it is a small thing relatively speaking but still all of these small things pile up and I feel resentful. Sigh.</p>
Empaths
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Wondering how often it is that empaths get sucked into relationships with no empathy people and despite that experience end up with a low empathy person for the next go round. Mind boggling. Although perhaps it's not really a puzzle that as an empath I have a blind spot for people with low empathy.
That is a great point, Daizze. I would bet most of us nons on here are empaths. I honestly feel that it may be why we stay when if we are honest... most people would have probably walked away from relationships like these years ago. We give a lot to others... until it hurts sometimes... because we can feel so much for others. I am definitely exploring this in therapy for myself.
"Wondering how often it is
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
"Wondering how often it is that empaths get sucked into relationships with no empathy people and despite that experience end up with a low empathy person for the next go round."
I hear you. My ex husband was a narcissistic control freak. My boyfriend is nothing like him. I feel that he is able to empathize with me some of the time, which is much better than what I experienced in my marriage.
Yes, so glad you are out of
Submitted by daizzebelle on
Yes, so glad you are out of that marriage and it is for the best that I left my ex as well. I was not only in physical danger, I was dying inside emotionally.
My 2nd husband is not cruel in any way. He is kind and caring. He's a good father to our daughter and he treats my daughter like his own. I am thankful. I wish we could resolve our other issues.
Yes, I do think another
Submitted by daizzebelle on
Yes, I do think another person would have walked out... probably 6 mos to a year into the 5 years that he was depressed and underemployed...if not sooner.
I am pathologically optimistic..takes so much for me to give up.