Hello everyone. I am new here. I am so grateful for the internet and that I’ve come across this page and forum. I have been reading so much and a lot of things are starting to make sense now. My story: I’m a non ADHD wife who’s been married for only 11 months. Our journey together has been a ROLLER COASTER. 3 different councilors and finally this 4th one has diagnosed my husband with ADHD. He should be getting on medication writhing a few weeks. I am really praying that this would be the missing piece. I feel like I am in a emotionally abusive relationship, he could be so cold and mean. I also feel manipulated. I recently got sick and he was upset because according to him he doesn’t wanna see me like that. I feel so unsupported by him. Sometimes I also feel like I’m being used. He’s only interested in what he likes to do which means watch tv, gym, Etc and for the rest I have to basically argue with him then he says I’m controlling and mothering him. My daughter who is 6 from a previous relationship is also now being affected by his behavior. She has been apologizing to me on his behalf and says she feels bad that he is mean to me. He says my relationship with my daughter triggers him and he can’t be around both her and I. He has unhealed past trauma but don’t we all ?!! I can tell he is bothered by her and shuts down. He says it’s too hard for him coming into a blended family. I really feel stuck and divorce has been on the table maybe that’s why now he’s saying he wants to get on medication. When I talk to him he says he doesn’t understand what I mean. He says he doesn’t understand feelings but I’m confused because he understood when he met me. When I try to talk to him he goes off on me and says that I am attacking him and I explain that I’m not and that we are on the same page and need to be able to communicate. People have started noticing and I feel ashamed. I’ve tried talking to others and they recommend that I leave him. Most of the things I’ve read on here describe him. Like we’d be out and he looks perfectly fine and then we get home and he’s feeling down and doubting himself (maybe he thinks people can see the REAL him). That's the only time he actually feels bad when he feels exposed, so he'll feel down for a few days and I go comfort him and once he's back to feeling good he starts being an A hole again. Is there hope with medication ? Is it a normal response to a child ? I don't know what to think anymore. I really don't see a future if he can't get along with my daughter.
So confused, exhausted & hurt.
Submitted by Is_there_hope_left on 01/16/2022.
Emotionally Abusive
Submitted by sickandtired on
Hi. It’s obvious that he is emotionally abusive... not only to you, but he is abusive to your innocent daughter. You chose to have him in your life, but your little 6 year old daughter has no choice. He can’t handle being around you when you are with your daughter? He’s jealous of the relationship you have with her. How selfish and immature. If you feel like you have to choose to be with him or your daughter, I hope you choose your daughter. He is damaging her self esteem, and forcing her into situations where she feels she has to protect your feelings by apologizing to you on his behalf??? No child should be put into this kind of situation. Her emotional, mental and physical health should be your first priority.
Thank you for replying
Submitted by Is_there_hope_left on
11 months
Submitted by sickandtired on
You’ve been married 11 months. Look at some of the others on this forum for what happens regarding progress with these types of issues after 20 or 30 years of the “non” trying to deal with someone who can’t or won’t see the effects they have on others. It breaks my heart that your 6 year old daughter has packed a little bag and threatened to run away. She’s crying out to you, “This is unacceptable!”
Medication is not magic
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I am a man who supported an ADHD wife for decades only to have her demand divorce because she was 'angry' ('enraged' was closer to reality). During the last years of multiple counselors, multiple repeated diagnoses of ADHD, and evolving medication paths nothing made a difference. 'Medication' is a fleeting hope that dissipates in the raging winds of ADHD symptoms. It might be wonderful if 'medication' clarified his behavior (and he maintained whatever the current 'medication' regime is). You and your daughter are experiencing a tornado of grief from his symptoms. It is more likely to get worse over time (even if it seems extreme now it can get VERY MUCH WORSE as your husband continues to reject the shared commitments that bind a family.) Eleven months might seem like a lifetime; a lifetime will seem like eternity. God bless you and your daughter.
A tornado of grief sounds about right.
Submitted by Is_there_hope_left on
And you are right it has only gotten worse. Every next time he has an outburst he's more cold and disconnected. He's either doing what he likes or work and then is just sleeping away (probably to avoid the situation). I've become SO UPSET with myself for not only choosing the wrong partner but for also for listening to the councelours and staying with him instead of divorcing him. A few months after we got married he made some very disturbing comments so my guard was up and that's when I knew something wasn't right and I sought counseling. May I add that we are Christians and not only is divorce looked down upon but it is considered a sin. All we've been told is that marriages are hard and it will get better with time. I also think he pushes his limits knowing that we "can't get divorced". I've done some research and read that there is biblical separation and have even spoken to the pastor about it. Ultimately I don't think anyone involved wants to have a "divorce" on them. Meanwhile my daughter is living in a toxic situation. Thank you so much for your time. May God bless you too.
I understand
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
"Is there any hope with medication?"
So many of us on here have uttered that refrain. The answer is "maybe," but only if your husband wants it to work, takes it reliably and possibly adds therapy to the mix too. Medication isn't magic - there has to be a will behind it and an understanding of what's wrong. When my ADHD ex took meds for a short time, he used them to stay up all night, refused to take them during family time and did not pull his weight any more than he did when he wasn't on meds. Meds didn't give him empathy or make him spend any time with his child.
I get why you might want to see if meds make a difference because your marriage is new and his behaviour is such a shock (read about ADHD hyperfocus). If things don't improve though, get out fast. He is being a dick... ADHD aside. Sorry. But, seriously... that's your daughter... you're a package. If he can't deal with that, you can do SO much better. Alone is better than you and your daughter carrying such a heavy emotional burden.
Is it a normal response to a child ?
It's the normal response OF a child. He has not grown up. He wants things all his way. His behaviour says he doesn't want the responsibility of a wife and child. He wants you himself, to do only the things he wants to do and for you to coddle him until he feels better.
Something I wish I learned early in my 20-year ADHD relationship was to listen to what ACTIONS are saying. If his actions consistently say he isn't up to this, believe him. In the long run, your daughter will barely remember him. But she will remember that you were strong enough to leave a bad situation... and maybe you'll teach her to do the same if faced with a bad relationship in the future.
Hugs. Good luck. Listen to actions, follow your own intuition. Your gut is usually right.
Melody is right!
Submitted by sickandtired on
I have to agree with Melody here, and I think you may have misinterpreted your daughter’s crying after you threw him out of your house the first time. Kids need stability, and she was probably reacting to the chaos he caused that led to your first breakup. Also, I am sure she saw you upset and crying a lot during that time, and she was modeling your behavior. It is heartbreaking for a child to see her mother crying and being mistreated. And Melody is right that she will forget him if you end this soon. It’s only been 11 months, and he’s not even the child’s father. I hope you read about hyperfocus. During that phase, which is only temporary, he will shower you with attention, and will do or act like he likes everything you do. This phase always passes, NEVER to return again, once he is certain he has you. Once he settled in, you saw all of the symptoms of his troubled mind, and you find yourself in a chaotic, in your case, abusive situation. It only gets worse with time. I went to 2 Christian counselors with my serial cheater now ex husband, who was an airline pilot, addicted to porn, and the counselor told me it was basically MY fault because I must keep the marriage together. I tried until I caught an STD from him months later, because he not only kept on cheating, but felt emboldened to do worse things, like BDSM and sharing his exploits with photos with online friends. Please don’t become some sort of martyr for the sake of the relationship. Yes, the Bible talks about separation, and NOWHERE does it say divorce is a sin. He has already broken his vows to “love, honor and cherish” you. Your counselor is making you put this marriage above the welfare of your child, who I would bet has been damaged by his chaos ever since he first came into your life. You say you are putting her first... ask yourself, are you really???? It sounds like you are putting him first, by allowing this to continue. His selfish cruel behavior I guarantee you, is damaging your daughter’s mental health. I am a retired child psychologist, so I know the effects of abuse when I see it. PLEASE, don’t let some preacher talk you into letting yourself and your daughter be victimized like this. Your husband has already betrayed you, because he knew you had a small child, but married you anyway, while not wanting to be with her. What are you supposed to do? Reject her like he is doing? I pray you see the light and protect this child. She should be FIRST, not him.
Please tell us
Submitted by sickandtired on
Please tell us what the “disturbing comments” were that you mentioned he said, and please tell us what happened to make you throw him out the first time. He may have more psychiatric issues than just ADHD. It is not uncommon for Bipolar or Borderline personality disorders to accompany ADHD.
The reasons why
Submitted by Is_there_hope_left on
Replying to Melody
Submitted by Is_there_hope_left on
Not only is the marriage new, I’m still trying to figure out how we got here. When we dated he was so good to my daughter and I. He was so calm. He never got upset but not with us and not like now. The changes and his anger shifted toward us a few months in and its more intense. This diagnosis is new. I thought he was bipolar because he goes up and down so much. Unfortunately he does have childhood trauma that is affecting him now and instead of having compassion for my daughter he gets angry at her and then jealous that I’m nice to her. You are right, he’s immature and not ready. The hyper focus thing I read on and it’s totally him! Its exhausting to watch him go through life, and I’m exhausted keeping things balanced. He’ll start doing something new and he will exhausted it until he’s totally bored and over it or he cant anymore. Now he’s binge watching some cartoons on tv (he is 35 by the way). He has a very hard time balancing. I know my daughter would be sad if we split (she’d be praying for a daddy for 2 years) but ultimately and in the long run it’s better for both of us to live in a toxic free environment and she can continue being her happy free self. When I think about the bad example Im showing her I do get the strength to leave him. I have asked him to leave and have brought up him not being ready or happy with us. I tell him he also needs to be happy. He says that he loves me, that he doesn’t understand and has asked me to give him a chance to get on medication. Actions do speak louder than words tho. Thank you.
Hi, I get what you are saying
Submitted by Is_there_hope_left on
Hi, I get what you are saying. My daughters mental health is my top priority and in 11 months there have been way too many changes within the family dynamic and us switching churches several times because I don't agree with the councelours and pastors suggesting that I put the marriage above my daughter. Do remember his diagnosis is new and although there has been mental abuse I was unsure because according to councelours I'm supposed to wait it out and continue praying and give him time to get on meds. Here is the order in the church and Christian marriages: Christ, the church, the husband, the wife AND THEN the children. It's clear that on top of his mental health issues he's using this to his advantage.
Prior to me finding this forum I have been uneducated. I had heard about adhd but didn't know about hyper focus which is a clear sign that it's what he's doing to me. I didn't know things would get worse even with meds and that's why I came on here to ask questions.
Although my daughter has seen me crying it wasn't when I kicked him out (I did not cry). I know what I have to do and don't want to cause my daughter more trauma. The most positive thing in all this is Melody saying she won't remember and I'm really hoping and praying that she doesn't. She's gotten used to having him here and he's out working most of the time so she isn't as exposed anymore. She's only remembering the good times which is what I find myself doing and wondering how did we get here ??
She was a baby when her dad and I split and we now live in different states but he doesn't look for her anyway. She's just always wanted a dad and has prayed for one so now that she has one it's hard to let go because she thinks like I thought that God sent him. I definitely see the light and am looking for more support. I will not put her second even if it means leaving the church. Thank you for sharing your story. Any little bit helps.
Marriage Counseling
Submitted by sickandtired on
Marriage counseling (Christian or secular) is not what you primarily need in this situation. He needs to commit to intensive therapy on his own as an individual. This person should be a licensed professional clinical therapist. Perhaps the pastors did not understand your daily home environment. If you have told the pastors the details and the frequency of his emotional abuse and outbursts, that have you describing your marriage of only 11 months as a “ROLLERCOASTER”, I would not want to go to any church that puts a man’s abusive behavior above the welfare of a 6 year old little girl. You seem overwhelmed by living with him because he has drastically changed since the beginning when he was kind and patient to your daughter and to you. You were new to him, and he hyperfocused on you, putting his best face forward. Now the hyperfocus is over. Think about how overwhelmed your daughter is living like this. You know this was not the kind of father she has been praying for. She needs someone who builds her up, and makes her feel special, secure and loved. It’s so sad that she has had to deal with these issues at such a young age. I understand about your fear of divorce. It doesn’t help that you can’t find a church community that understands your pain. I am so glad you joined this forum so you can see others’ perspectives and learn from our experiences.
I agree with you!
Submitted by Is_there_hope_left on
INTENSE Theraphy is exactly what he needs and hyper focused is exactly what happened smh now it makes sense. I did tell the first and second councelours of the coldness and the manipulation, how he's dismissed my daughter and everything else. The first one saw us together and then wanted to see him individually so we did that for a few months. He came home and said that the councelour had said that I was the crazy one that needed help and I got very upset and didn't go back only to find out later that he was lying. The second one said "it is emotional and verbal abuse" and we saw him for weeks but as soon as he started feeling exposed he flipped out on me in front of them and they did absolutely nothing. I didn't waste my time going back. The third one I explained every single detail before I brought my husband in, he did recommend a biblical separation. Met my husband and like everyone else felt sorry for him and then disagreed on us getting separated. I think that they know with separation will come divorce (There's no way I would get back with him once he's out of here again) and it's a bad look on the church's councelour. This new one I haven't been to and I'm not interested in going anymore. He says he's a therapist and is the only one that has diagnosed him. According to him he would like to meet me but my husband doesn't want to. I already told him his mental health is something that I need to be involved in because my daughter and I are affected directly and I need to know what's going on. I am waiting to see how the appointment goes. I have been talking to my daughter more and more. One of the times he was mean to her recently I asked him to apologize to her and explained to her that it's not okay to allow others to be mean to her. I am glad that I joined this forum also. Thank you.
Your not getting any where because he can't understand....
Submitted by c ur self on
He really is showing you who he is....Your **POINTING OUT** his behaviors like he has a mind capable of feeling what you feel....Mental illness creates selfish and self absorbed tendencies...He can basically only think about himself much of the time....So your conversation attempts, your desire to tell him (point it out) how is behaviors are effecting you guy's is kind of falling on deaf ears...(Not to mention he feels disrespected, and probably turns defensive, and blaming if I had to guess) When a hyper focus mind is locked on a person, place or thing, it is normal for that person...A mate or child will feel like they don't exist much of the time... Getting worked up emotionally (conversation attempts) is only self inflicted suffering for you!
Don't mother, step away, and see it for what it truly is day to day...Turn your attention on yourself and your child, or you will end up in this dynamic you've explained here for years if you don't....You don't want that, many of us have!....Set boundaries!
To me....One of the hardest things in the world as it relates to relationships...Is to marry someone who lives in a mind that is not capable of full circle living...Based on my wife, and what I've read and studied...High level add minds are those mind types for the most part.....
So accept the reality of what you see, and do what you have to do to not allow your self to suffer needlessly....
Blessings
c
Easier said than done…
Submitted by Is_there_hope_left on
Don’t get stuck in the back & forth…
Submitted by c ur self on
All of us get stuck, or have been stuck, in their up and down actions.... It's OK to enjoy the good times... But under no circumstances should you TRUST it to be permanent....Don't do that to yourself... That happens because WE so desire it, and we so HATE the other....
These things: (abandonment even in the same house, selfishness, self absorption, hyper focus, irresponsibility, etc.) have to be accepted and walked away from, with out a word... Or it's just more arguments, anger, and eventually bitterness....We can quietly pack and leave, or, we can believe what we see; a person we can never trust in many area's of life... Never attempt to think for a add mind, or you will suffer...I live like my wife doesn't exist in certain area's of life, so I can force accountability on her... If I carry her in any part of life, she is like a spoiled child who will use you up...ALWAYS use tough love... Make him be a MAN, by non-participation. Work on your self, your words, emotions, and attitude, are solely your responsibility...If there is a year 2 for y'all, you need to think on these things...
c
Gotcha!
Submitted by Is_there_hope_left on