have come to my wits end with my passive husband. I have been catering to his need to feel loved and understood so much that I feel like I am the man/leader in this marriage. Am I stuck? Why should I reach out and take the lead again but this time in trying to fix this marriage. I would like to separate just so that I can have some peace and sanity. I would like for him to read men who love fierce women and reach out to godly men for counseling but he is okay with things as they are and tells me that he loves me( words words words with no action) and that I am free to go if I am so miserable and that he doesn’t blame me. On the other hand he tells me to stop making him out to be the bad guy and if I want to leave then leave but I have never loved him or cared about him, etc I just don’t feel like I should be loving him and living with him in understanding and that our roles are way to reversed to the point where I feel like I can’t be a woman meaning I can’t have feelings or needs etc. I am so ready to leave but have ordered your book and will see what it says but I am not at the point to where I can take the lead on anything right now.
So frustrated
Submitted by leenlo on 08/20/2017.
Hi leenlo; I suggest you put your focus on your role only.....
Submitted by c ur self on
The only thing that "sticks us" is our own weakness....Let him pursue you!...When a man or woman isn't fulfilling their responsibilities in the marriage; its just very unwise (like I've been for years) to allow ourselves to fall into the traps that their non-participation can lure us into.
We cannot change them....And all pointing out their issues on and on gets us his what he told you....(Don't make me the bad guy, leave if you want to) That statement screams "I like myself; and this is all you get"....It seems very clear from the sound of your post and his comments, that his SEE's your feelings as your problem!...Your malcontent is yours....He is fine:)
We truly don't do the relationship any favors by continuing to harp (point out) about what we are experiencing....If there is no commitment to their roles as a H or W....Then our own negativity isn't going to change it....It just show's our denial of our spouse's reality.....
Once I shut up, and walked away it got her attention....Also there is plenty most of us ( me for sure) can do in our lives to be better spouses.....
They get use to the role reversal...They get use to being dependent....They get use to never having to do the work in many area's....Never having to pursue us, because we are always being the aggressor...
The only thing that I feel will force him to abandon his passiveness is when you discipline yourself to never pick up his responsibilities,stop pointing out his failings....Just live like he doesn't exist for 6 months...All of a sudden...You will start hearing..."What is wrong with you"...LOL....Then you can say nothing is wrong with me, I'm fine:)....They get conditioned because we enable, we pick up the slack.....Stop it....It's hard for some us (me).....But it will change things....
What is the most noticeable....I hard working bitching wife, or one that disappears?? Think about it....
C
sorry to disagree
Submitted by barneyarff on
sorry to disagree.
When I stopped picking up "the ball" we became several thousands of dollars in medical debt because my husband wouldn't go back to the hospital and give them his insurance card.
He didn't clean out the kitchen sink for 6 months nor get his stuff off the dining room table for 10 months. EEEewwwwww
So, I don't see how to ignore most stuff without drowning in debt or getting the plague.
Disagreement is fine by me barneyarff....
Submitted by c ur self on
Sharing our own situations; good and bad is what I love about this forum...I am terrible about making blanket statements based on my own situations and the things I have learned...But, we all have different spouses w/ different strengths and weaknesses....And those of us posting have our Strength's and weaknesses also....
I will just say this about my situation and your comments about what you've experienced....I realized early on there was no way we could share finance's and accounts...So we do not...It's not that my W doesn't live responsibility in her mind....It's about the attitude of control and priorities...We manage our life and business quiet differently....
Also there is a huge difference in distraction, forgetfulness, messiness and hoarding tendencies....And someone who is just irresponsible and don't care.....Only you know what you are dealing with, and only you know how much you are willing to put up with...
wishing you the best....
C
Plague or debt is one thing...
Submitted by BigSurprise on
...and hearing that it's actually your fault is what breaks the camel's back for me.
He didn't clean it, because he's never learnt. He didn't clean it, because he used not to have a sink. He didn't clean it, because his previous sink was different and he's not sure how to use this one. He didn't clean it, because you taught him you're the one who's always doing it. He didn't clean it, because he remembers saying you "you don't need to do this every day; once a year is fine with me". He didn't clean it, because he doesn't consider it to be the most important thing in the worlds and considers happiness more important than pettiness (i.e. concern with such trivial things). He didn't clean it, because he meant to, but you are never giving him the chance because you always do it just when he's about to get to it. And finally, what do you mean he didn't do it? He always does it! Not that he feels it's important, but he knows how much you care about this friggin sink and he does that for you every day.
And he's not confabulating; he's always honest when he says all those things.
And still... we struggle on. :)
BigSurpise...
Submitted by c ur self on
I hear you...LOL...I don't know how many times I've heard these same excuses...Especially the one about, I was fixing to do it, but you ran ahead and done it....When I stopped, (for the most part, loosing co-dependent behavior isn't easy, especially when you need a bathroom counter, or kitchen counter or sink to operate our own lives with) to her credit, she will eventually recognize her messes and deal with as best she can...And if I'm the loving husband I should be, then her best, should be fine by me....
Sometimes I can project very unrealistic expectations onto my wife....For that I am ashamed and I'm working on it.....We should never measure our spouse by ourselves (our minds, and our thinking)...Besides there are plenty of things she can do better than I can....
C