Hi All, I’m new to this site and soooo happy I found it. My husband has add (still waiting for the full diagnosis though). Reading your comments and the blog feels like I’m not the only one struggling to understand what’s going on in my marriage. Sometimes it can be so confusing and crazy making I want to go out and never come back!
Now, there’s also something new I’m observing recently. Since I know my husband’s add I try to read a lot about it and be more understanding with his anger fits, or when he’s inconsiderate or blame shifting (which he does a lot plus being very defensive). But things don’t improve. On the contrary, if I don’t react to his anger by getting angry myself and try to deal with the situation in a constructive manner, he’s tantrums are even more frequent and it seems like he doesn’t try to fix anything any more. Just last night I ended up being the only one to apologize although my part in the fight was really small. He said he’s not yet ready to apologize himself and continues to avoid me since then (not speaking to me directly if he doesn’t have to). I know he’s currently a lot into reading about add too so maybe it’s just too much for him to accept the diagnosis and put our relationship first. Still, it’s heartbreaking for me and I feel so lonely and angry. Anyone knows this?
He started his therapy some time ago too, I hope it will help with the symptoms. He’s a very brave guy for not trying to run away from doctors ;), I know it’s not so obvious.
Hi September
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
So glad you're here, too! These forums are so helpful. :)
Hi September!...Welcome....
Submitted by c ur self on
(Since I know my husband’s add I try to read a lot about it and be more understanding with his anger fits, or when he’s inconsiderate or blame shifting (which he does a lot plus being very defensive). But things don’t improve. On the contrary, if I don’t react to his anger by getting angry myself and try to deal with the situation in a constructive manner, he’s tantrums are even more frequent and it seems like he doesn’t try to fix anything any more. Just last night I ended up being the only one to apologize although my part in the fight was really small. He said he’s not yet ready to apologize himself)
This statement of yours is ADD/ADHD marriage 101.......There is probably not many of us on this site, who didn't go from wedding vows to this dynamic fairly quickly....Where we mess up (I sure did) by allowing THEIR dysfunctional living of life, to poison our own.....We usually don't figure out we are powerless to effect change in them, until we are basket cases ourself....We use these kind excuses to keep self inflicting punishment on ourselves...Along w/ them and the marriage.....1) THIS IS NO MARRIAGE, so we decide we have the power to fix them 2) I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS....So we decide we will fix them...3) I HAVE TO BE ABLE TO TRUST MY HUSBAND/WIFE...So we decide we will fix them....4) NO ONE LIVES THIS WAY...So we decide we will fix them.....And on and on....
But, all we get for our trouble is our own Emotional, and Psychological damage...Many of us end up angry and bitter....(like I did)... So then we end up stuck in our own healing process before we can think clearly enough to change what we can really change, ***US***...So if we are wise, learn to accept their reality, and set boundaries on ourselves to not share in the things they aren't capable of sharing....No matter what that is.....(Finances....Vacations....taxes, verbal communications that has a high probability of turning toxic, subjects that always turn toxic, etc)....Boundaries aren't pleasant for either party, but, they will force accountability....
This isn't necessarily about add/adhd...There are many men and women who are selfish, lazy, who dislike being responsible, who suffer w/ addiction, and who have hearts that don't mind taking advantage of others when it's convenient to their own selfish interests....But what is critical is that we don't stop looking in the mirror, we can't excuse ourself for not being loving, for withholding affection, we can't excuse ourselves for matching their evil w/ our own....
We can't stop living, because our spouses can't be trusted, never walk on eggshells for anyone....Never over think their lives, when you do, you stop living your own...Any time a person continue's to press or force change on another person against their will, that person is always wrong, and in violation of their spouses rights....I'm not saying everyone's life is conducive to marriage, or an healthy attachment...But, we should respect their rights, and be kind, even if we are packing to leave them while we are respecting them....Never argue or fight w/ a person who want own their reality...They are comfortable with defensiveness and their defiant spirits, and will over match a caring person 100% of the time...I've never won a verbal argument w/ her....Because she lives in a mind that has no ability to not fight to the death...There is just NO in the moment convictions in her mind that allows her to calm herself or to admit fault....Once we realize we can't accomplish anything positive w/ words, by pointing out a life style we hate and they love...At that point we start gaining ground on our marriages....Even if we determine it's hopeless and move on....
Best wishes
c
Clarity and accepting it
Submitted by jennalemone on
On the contrary, if I don’t react to his anger by getting angry myself and try to deal with the situation in a constructive manner, he’s tantrums are even more frequent and it seems like he doesn’t try to fix anything any more. Just last night I ended up being the only one to apologize although my part in the fight was really small. He said he’s not yet ready to apologize himself and continues to avoid me since then (not speaking to me directly if he doesn’t have to)
This scenario is common in our marriage too. He seems to not need the collaboration and company of his wife. In his own world, by himself, he does not put out any effort into building or sharing a life together. He opts instead for acting like a rebellious teen with an entitled attitude and tries to "get away with stuff" like a game of "You can't make me".
I'm sorry you are going through this. It is disappointing at the least. I am at the long journey's end to the acceptance that my getting angry and holding my own ground and not letting him "get away with" doing or not doing has been my M.O and not very effective. But walking around with anger inside is not a good way to life your life. I have come to "see" H as my reluctant brother who has some emotional/awareness/responsibility/maturity challenges. I have stopped trying, trying, trying for DECADES to change him (like c has said). I have stopped having the need to fight fire with fire and get in there with the same unction and determination at his hurling rude insults. I have stopped grieving the family of togetherness and trust I thought I could have. All families look different. H walks around with his chest out and big grin on his face so proud he is of himself, always joking, teasing and laughing. I am ashamed of myself and cannot hold my head up because of all the compromising and forgiving I have done, for all the support I have given to him.
Realizing that our relationship, our marriage, is not up to my standards and is much higher than H's expectations is the key to my sanity. I may not like it, but not accepting what is, is crazy-making.
I have 2 choices. I can leave. But at my age I would have to give up much financially and there is nothing out there I can see replacing H with. OR I can live with this naughty teenage-acting, senior-age, maturity-challenged brother I have here. The worst thing is that I am lonely, I do not have a "gumba" to share my thoughts and my life with and adventure with. We end up fighting when we try to talk, so we don't talk. And he is content to sit in the garage and smoke and drink and do crossword puzzles every day while I go to meetings and events by myself.
c, you and I have been on this journey of realization and acceptance at the same pace. What you wrote could be textbook and helpful to someone coming in an learning how this goes many times.
September, if I had it to do over again. I would promise myself that I woudl "get out" at least one week every year by myself and let H sit alone and realize that I was a person and that he needed me and wanted me and was taking me for granted. I did it once and it was VERY effective. I needed to do it regularly or H was just unaware of my presence until he felt my absence. OR I think I might have found that that was too much work and left and stayed gone after the feeling of release and relief played itself for me.
Hi, September
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
With regards to what you wrote: On the contrary, if I don’t react to his anger by getting angry myself and try to deal with the situation in a constructive manner, he’s tantrums are even more frequent and it seems like he doesn’t try to fix anything any more.
Some times you have to stand your ground, stand up for yourself, or the other person thinks its OK to walk all over you. I'm afraid its "Damned if you do, Damned if you don't".
SIGH.