A couple of days ago my internet was shut off.  It is at least the 3rd time this year and the second time since July when I dipped into my retirement to pay off the $12,000 in credit card bills that my husband had run up in 6 months.   Now, the reason the credit card bills were so high is because when he would get paid, he wouldn't pay the bills because he was "worried he'd need the cash for an emergency."   Then when the bills were due, he would have to put them on the credit card. Part of the deal when I took out the money was that he would set a budget and set his bills to get paid automatically on the day he got paid.   He said he did.  I followed up and talked to him about it, then the last time the internet was shut off he said he "didn't know what had happened" and would fix it. 

During the argument about this, I then discovered he had been dipping into MY personal bank account and not telling me.  He swears he told me about the one time (for his car payment) but he definitely didn't the second time, and he agrees with me on that.   To be fair, he knew it was stimulus check money and technically his as well as mine.   But to be fair to me, the reason it was in my personal account is because I didn't want him to dip in and use that money for bills that could have been paid if he had been responsible, or pot.  Which is what he took the money for.  His car payment and pot.  And of course during the ensuing huge blow out he set up the auto payments, and agreed that it was a huge violation to go into my personal bank account for any reason.  (He can access it because it's linked to the joint account in the bill pay system for our bank.)  He thinks that setting up the payments and apologizing to me have fixed everything.  He's bopping around the house like everything is great and I'm wondering if I've had enough and if I should divorce him so that I can not starve to death in my old age.   We have been together since 1996, and time has shown that all the things I tried to do financially over the years would have made us rich by now (our neighborhood had loads of really cheap houses when we moved here and I wanted to buy more, but as you can see, I can't keep a penny in savings.  Now those houses I tried to buy for $20,000 to $40,000 are literally selling for 10x as much, unimproved.)   Unfortunately, right now I can't work because the schools are closed because of covid and someone has to homeschool our two elementary-aged kids.

But the reason I am posting right now is from what happened the next day.  I was telling my friend about the situation and explaining for the millionth time that all this stuff is typical ADHD behavior.  Putting things off (setting the autopayments), Impulsivity (dipping into MY bank account), shame (not telling me), but I did agree with her that he is a grown-ass man and should be taking care of this stuff himself. She asked how much longer I was going to deal with this, then she dropped the bomb on me. 

She is in a number of support groups for the parents of children with Autism.  Recently someone she knows through there decided to put her adult son with autism into assisted living.  Why?  Because even though he can hold a job and make money to support himself, he can't be counted on to consistently:

Wake himself up in the morning
Get to places on time
Buy clothing and groceries
Practice good hygiene
Clean up after himself
Be responsible with his money

I forget what else was in the list, but as she pointed out, it was pretty much what my marriage looks like.   He goes to work, but does absolutely nothing else that's responsible unless I tell him.  He is currently growing a beard because I honestly think that shaving only twice a week is making him look really unkempt and must be hurting him professionally. 

My friend was like "This is too much for you, this mom is putting her high-functioning disabled son into assisted living because it is too much for her to do everything you do for your husband." 

And she's right.  It's so much.  I feel like I have three children, but one can just go out and buy a car if he feels like it and then I'm the one who has to figure out how to pay for it.   Thoughts?