Well, as I'm sure you can all tell from my forum name and post topic, I'm at my wits end. I've been with my fiancé for three years now. We have a two year old son. The first year of our relationship was great. Caring, considerate, and generally awesome. When my fiancé got pregnant, it slowly started to change. The first few months with our new baby boy were pretty good. Yet, of course had the usual issues that arise for new parents. Sleeplessness, and constant needs of our son left us both very tired. There was always something to do. However, at the time we took it pretty well. We both worked together to care for our son. I work full time and she is a stay at home mom.
where the problems began I would say, started after 6 months. Our sons first Christmas was approaching. She went into a whirlwind of crafting and shopping. She wanted everything to be perfect for his first Christmas. While I think that is sweet, there is a line between sweet and obsessive. If any little thing wasn't in line, she would flip out. Became anxiety ridden and she wasn't sleeping much. It turned our Christmas into a nightmare and we began fighting a lot. She expected me to keep up work, the house, and takin care of our son because she felt that her crafts and projects were the most important thing at the time and as our sons father, if I was tired or wanting a break, I was met with sharp criticism, told that "you should want to spend time with your son", and just put down. It didn't matter to her that I was trying to do everything at the house while supporting or family with our one income. She was mean, distant, threatening me with leaving with our son, and all around a miserable person to me. To everyone else, her Christmas spirit shone through and she would tell people that I was just miserable. Would go talk to her friends and tell them that i didn't want to spend time with our son, and I was trying to control her.
well, it got to the point that I couldn't handle anymore talking to her. We decided to see a therapist together. At the therapist, I let her speak first. She unloaded all of her frustrations and blames on me. I sat quietly and listened as she placed the blame for all our troubles on me and told the therapist that she thought I needed an anti depressant and I had issues. Believe me it was not easy, but it paid off. After she was done he started asking me questions about it all. After asking me my thoughts and after a couple sessions of this, he (as I have always believed therapists to do) tried to get through to her that I wasn't evil and controlling. I was her partner and her unwillingness to take responsibility for things in our life is not ok. He didn't blame her for stuff, but he asked the right questions. Why she threatened to leave? She wanted to say something to hurt me. Why did she talk to her friends about me and leave out key parts of the incidents tha have happened? She needed someone to make her feel like she had support and a backer. His advice was for her to start regular sessions with him. Beside our problems she has a very serious issue with death. She has lost a couple close family members over the years and instead of learning to grieve, just self medicated with illegal drugs and alchohol. She broke down talking to him just at the mention of a deceased family member, which is quite common for her. Anyway, she went to a couple sessions, our lives turned around completely. We were both happy, productive and I thought the worst was behind us.
Fast ts forward almost a year(before Christmas again) and it all starts all over. When trying to remind her of the advice of our therapist, she says he didn't know what he was talking about. It's definately me that has a problem. I'm to blame for all of our troubles. I manipulated the therapist (a 25 year veteran of couples counseling). And even though I allowed her to direct the conversations, she wasn't able to express herself and that's why he didn't agree with her actions and choices. I was blown away.
Problems kept getting worse. Her anger and anxiety and frustration all poured out of her. I was constantly being blamed for unrest. It wasn't her fault for not cleaning the house and sleeping all day, it was my fault because I said anything about it. I got to the point that I didn't even want to come home from work. I started volunteering for overtime any chance I got. Taking long drives on the way home so that I could have a little peace. The whole while thinking to myself, what the hell is going on. Why is she acting like this. How come when asked by anyone even a stranger for help she jumps on the chance but can't be bothered to work with me at all to help our household run smoothly. It was frustrating, it was painful, and worst of all, I started feeling like I was raising another child. One that was a total brat, yet had the power to ruin us financially and me emotionally.
Finally, after work one evening I broke down. I didn't care if she threatened to leave. I didn't care if she blamed me for everything, I needed to get it off my chest and tell her how she was making me feel. In a level perhaps cold tone I let it all out. Let her know how I felt and why. Gave examples and drew parallels to instances in her life that I witnessed that would help her understand where I was coming from. An amazing thing happened. She actually paid attention and listened. She didn't cut me off. She didn't blame me for feeling that way, and she didn't make excuses. She listened and told me she could see the pain in my eyes and hear it in my voice. She apologized and said she would return to a therapist.
This is time around, she went alone. I have no idea what she said or anything, but after one of their sessions she came home and was extremely nice. Made dinner(hardly ever does even though that was part of the deal for being a stay at home mom that she pitched to me) an told me she loved me. When she saw that I was confused. She told me that her therapist asked her why she thought I felt unloved and uncared for. The therapist asked if she could name something she had done lately to show she cared. Her answer was nothing. Admittedly nothing.
That moment of clarity had an impact for about two days. As soon as she got a call from her friend to go somewhere she was back to her old self. I was extremely sick. Fever, chest cold, stomach, the whole none yards. Could barely stay awake long enough to use the restroom and 0 energy. She demanded that I watch our son while she went to support her friend at a viewing for her friends grandmother. When I asked if she could go the next day for the funeral so I had time to find a sitter or get better, she blew up on me and told me I was selfish and an asshole. She left that night to go help her friend and left me with our 1.5 year old. It was a struggle to meet his needs, but I did it. In between drowning my cold in medicine and trying not to throw up, I did my best to play with him and care for him. It wasn't his fault I felt that way nor did he deserve to be tossed aside for any reason.
Anyway, I think a picture of what out lives had become is somewhat clearer now, and while I could go on forever about instances that have happened I'll try to wrap it up.
She returned to yet another therapist. This one says adhd. Prescribes her adderall. All the symptoms are there. She starts on a low dose and is told it is a tool, not a fix. Given a bunch of information to read with tips to help. I read it all which led me to this site. I've read as much as possible and the similarities between my and others in my boat lives are staggering. Inconsiderate,forgetful, unreliable, inattentiveness, and general child like behavior seems to be the descriptors most often used, and I couldn't agree more. But the worst part is, while she accepts the diagnosis and takes the pills(which she has asked for increases on numerous times and is now at 20 mg per dose/twice a day) she vehemently refuses to accept anything else. She won't read the literature. She refuses to acknowledge the problems arising from her symptoms. Still tries to blame me for everything because she sees it as my fault for being upset, not hers for causing it. And no matter how many times her therapist stresses the importance of exercise, healthyeating and sleeping, and vigilance, she just brushes it off and says she is doing all she can because she takes meds.
Now, I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been in this boat. So let me ask this....
what do you do when someone with adhd refuses to work on improvements, or even accept that there is a a problem in the first place. Ho long do you try to follow the guides and suggestions for non adhd spouses before you just say screw it and walk away with your hands in the air. What do you do? :/.
I left and I'm still tired of
Submitted by lauren07 on
I left and I'm still tired of it;) Once you have a kid, you have to deal with them for life:/
So tired of it
Submitted by sunlight on
Regarding her meds, I noticed that you mention "20 mg per dose/twice a day" - is that extended release or the 'normal' formulation? If not extended release then she is only medicated 8 hrs/day (by comparison my husband takes Adderall 4x daily, but the extended release drugs don't work for him). Do you notice a difference between medicated and not?
As far as how to get through to her? If she is receiving the right meds, then by clear repetition followed by statements that things will change or your future together looks bleak. But, if she is still inattentive, distracted, oppositional(?) on medications then perhaps she needs different meds. Have you discussed that? Is her therapist also a psychiatrist? If you see my earlier posts you'll read that my husband was happy as a pig in clover with Ritalin but to the outside world he was an explosive monster - people with ADHD may not be the best judge of the effect of their meds (as you might be seeing) and may need a big cluestick before they get the message. Is there any way you can get feedback to her doctor?
Every single one of us have our own 'point of no return'
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Sotiredofit
You asked: What do you do when someone with adhd refuses to work on improvements, or even accept that there is a a problem in the first place. Ho long do you try to follow the guides and suggestions for non adhd spouses before you just say screw it and walk away with your hands in the air. What do you do?
I have MANY MANY times thought I was at the end. Period. I'm done. I stated it out loud. Had comments back like, "Hey I thought you said you were done? Well, right there is YOUR problem, no boundaries"
There really is no pat answer that works for everyone. I WISH there was. I LONG for a list of steps to tell me when it is typical and customary to say Sayonara. Adios. So long, farewell,auf wiedersehen, good night.
Not happening! I really understand why there is empathy for the person who is not accepting their negative behaviors. I watch my own spouse struggle, and in the midst of his struggle it is I who sometimes get pummeled. But NO ONE, not a counselor, not a family member, not a friend, no one can tell you when you have reached the end of your limit.
I think I have gotten past the anger. I think I am ready to look at stuff through different eyes. I think. *wink wink*
Liz
Fed Up but Staying
Submitted by Diana on
It's true. I am fed up with the ADD behaviors of my spouse, and the feeling of constantly swimming upstream and with no joy. I have to admit my own contribution to the mix of being BPD, a bad combo for a relationship. The hardest part for me is the lack of meaningful communication, his inability to label his emotions until he explodes, and the constant blameshifting and the incidences of lying. He cut me off sexually after the first night of our honeymoon, deciding he made a mistake getting married again. This is my first marriage at 52. I was emotionally abused in my original family and I avoided being in that situation again, and I wanted to hold out for a marriage that was full of passion. You may know how whirlwind and seemingly caring and passionate an ADD courtship can appear. Here I am four years later. Emotional and physical abuse have occurred...both of us guilty of same. I have trouble getting past what I see as his control, stonewalling, shutting me out, exploding, baiting me, and needing to blame me for anything bad or irresponsible that he does. He won't really work with a therapist. I've tried suicide twice...almost made it, and have been jailed twice for domestic. He is over 65 so it becomes a felony charge. He started the physical abuse and threats, but I reported him, he told the police he didn't do it. It seems he dissociates with no memory of his actions. He did get jailed once, however, Long hard road. The screaming and breaking of things by us has caused my cherished little dog to recently almost die from probable stress-induced pancreatitis. He has ulcers. Waiting to find out if he has a malignant pancreatic tumor. And he has always been such a happy little fellow, but not for the last almost 4 years. I know that I too, will not escape this experience without major health issues. It is a mess. Some things have improved with medication for us both. If you pray, mention Diana and Jock in your prayers. And if you know of a great counselor that could help us in central eastern Florida or even further away, please reply. If you made it all the way through this email, thank you!
Hmm, why do we continue swimming upstream and with no joy?
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Diana,
If you pray, mention Diana and Jock in your prayers. Will do.
What I got from your post, I understand the frustration. And realizing a person waiting to get married, and found out 24 hours too late it was the wrong decision - that is right where I can think myself into being - what if I finally decide to leave, and find out 24 hours later it was the wrong decision.
I have to believe that ANY step forward has to be better than same-ol'-same-ol'.
Right or wrong.
"What-if" is a terrible place to be stuck.
Liz
Stepping forward.
Submitted by Diana on
My parents divorced and it has affected my entire life negatively, to the extreme now of having a stepmother who interferes with my healthy 96 year old dad from getting appropriate medical care. I saved his life in December by using my 30 years of nursing experience and she fought me tooth and nail the whole way. I could go on and on. The upshot is Dad won't see me anymore because of Jan. I HATE DIVORCE. I haven't been in it as long as you, so I am not judging you. I just know the unforeseen consequences of divorce and they are hideous. I must remember what I believe are true words from my God...that I am not experiencing anything others have not made it through, and that my marriage covenant was with God. So, God Help Me now is my prayer. I need Jesus to carry me awhile. Thank you for your kind response. It is so helpful to know I am not alone.
None
Submitted by Diana on
Hit the reply button in error :I
None
Submitted by Diana on
Hit the reply button in error :I
My own values
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Diana,
I do not know the age I was when I fully realized I was not in a perfect family. I remember attending family functions as a child, hearing my relatives saying mean things about others. I was so happy to be in a best family. Then the realities of life began to dawn on me. My Dad was an alcoholic. We were poor. My Mom was depressed. I am the 2nd oldest of 8 siblings. I survived childhood. I have no way of knowing what my life would have been had my mother divorced my father. My Dad found his sobriety in 1991. They just celebrated their 57th wedding anniversary. These were their choices. I support their right to make their own life decisions.
I determined to have a better life, and make a better childhood for my own children. I have never chosen to drink nor take drugs. Never. I read books by the dozens, and carefully chose those things that would make my parenting something positive, up-lifiting, fulfilling. I kept focus always on me - what did I need to do to get this right. Why did I keep screwing up? Why could I not get this marriage thing right?
I have been leaning on Jesus my whole life. What I know and believe for ME is that yes, it is true, divorce is not the outcome I would want - i also know that the teachings of Jesus are about forgiveness, and redemption, and second chances, and directions to a better life. My marriage was a covenant between three - myself, my spouse and God. Yes indeed I do not have to have utopia and skipping-through-the-field-of-daisies, however I am at the point that I fully know this is not what I want to leave as my legacy of how marriage should be.
No, I don't give up at the first sign of troubles. What I have is a spouse who is angry, and oppositional, and cannot hear ME. I love me as I am - he does not. As long as I never do anything but uplift and encourage and follow - he is at peace. As soon as I voice a disappointment, sadness, frustration - it is ugly. He does not want to hear me, or listen. He makes announcements and wants to be heard - period. It is just not a pleasant way to live. Not any more. It is difficult to find joy when the main amount of my time is spent trying to be indifferent to his behavior. He NEEDS to take responsibility - for HIS behavior, and respect my behavior as my own. Sadly I do not feel there is any room for me as I am. My spouse tells me that is my problem. So, yes, I no longer want to claw my way into a relationship.
Yesterday my son asked my permission to paint something in our basement. It is a cellar type basement, used for basically storage. It is cold here in Ohio, too cold to paint outside in the barn, so I told him as long as he covered things with drop-cloths, I was ok with him painting down in the basement. I did take into consideration the fumes, and the possibility of a tad of over-spray, etc., etc., etc. I CHOSE to allow it. My spouse did not approve. He later made some comment about it, to which I replied that our son asked me, and I gave permission. It was OK with me that my spouse did not like it - to me it was 'agree to disagree.' He wanted/needed to be heard. Yes, there was a smell. Yes there was a possibility of overspray. OK. So, no, I will no loner just let my spouse dictate to me. It was an impossible situation. The sort we have tried many different ways of addressing. I just kept repeating that our son asked and I gave permission. It escalating to my spouse yelling "F**k it" at me. Wow! Not acceptable. Crossed the line. He has never said that to me - in 30 years of marriage. He then left me a one page list of all his reasons of why discussions need to be on his time table, when he is ready, when he wants.
So, as this lady is working her way on to her own life - ever giving time and space that God could perform a miracle and change the living dynamics - my spouses behavior gets more and more erratic, and it feels like one more nail in the coffin. And how ever sad it that!
Liz
For Liz and all
Submitted by Diana on
My heart goes out to all of us for what we endure in a marriage or relationship affected by ADD. Friends, family,and most everyone outside the home can't understand what is happening to us, what is making us tense and withdrawn, or why we don't smile or take care of ourselves as we did. What do we do with our shattered dreams, loneliness, and constant whiplash? It is hard living with someone who must blame you for everything and control you. You are an attractive female, a bride, and your husband refuses to make love to you after one time. How do you feel about yourself after years of that? How do you act out respect for a man who doesn't really care who you are, how you think, feel, or about your needs or dreams? How do you respect him when on top of all that he lies to you and throws childlike temper tantrums at home and in stores? I have not been able to act out of respect as I have developed a deep dislike and moral aversion to my husband. I am sick to death of his complete lack of insight or intimacy, and his constant baiting for me to react in anger. Wow, I needed to get that off my heart. I apologize. It is Christmas and I will enjoy it no matter what, I have wonderful little dogs that keep me sane. Prayers for us all. Diana
So Tired of it, I
Submitted by sheann on
So Tired of it, I understand your fight. I have a husband that is adhd and add to that he is also a narcissist. We have 3 daughters together and the middle daughter is almost 22 yrs old and is adhd. She was married for a little over 2 yrs to a husband that she wore out, he came from a family who never tought him the most basic skills such as cooking or driving. Sounds exactly like what your going through. They are now divorced but, they had no children. She was in the air force and is now back home because of a military related injury. My advice to you is think of your son, if you leave what will his life be like if she were to get custody? It sounds as if she has a ton of maturing to do and you need to set limits even if she blows up. They seem to be stuck in a much younger age than what they actually are. I have a website that might help if you are interested. Fly lady can be googled and she is partnered with cozi. Combined these two sites have helped me to help my husband and daughters, which in return helps me. You can work together to set assigned household chores, make a list of who is responsible for certain jobs around the house. I have for the most part raised our daughters alone because of my husbands narcissism, he has been gone more than he was home, some because of his job and others because he felt that hunting and fishing trips with his buddies were more important than vacations with his family. I have stuck with this marriage for 25 yrs, raising our children. Now who do they know is the constant in their lives? Me, Mom. They know I have always been there for them and I won't give up on them. I have set the example. Yes, our daughter who is divorced and is now back home was diagnosed with severe depression with clinical insomnia while in the military, I know the adhd is still there and I do see narcissism in her. There sometimes are other disorders that are associated with adhd, such as bi-polar. Our daughter was diagnosed with adhd at the age of 3, a very young age. She can manage the adhd most of the time without meds, but she has to stay on a schedule and it does take some reminders from mom. She has now been back home for less than a year. We have had our problems dealing with her and having to set limits (boundaries), as she will be as carefree as the wind if we don't. Adhd people from my understanding are very creative, but they also get discouraged easily when things don't go as they had planned. When you noticed she listened to you when you are calm, that is because she had to focus more to listen, when I would yell it would get the brain neurons too active and she couldn't focus on what I was saying. That is my opinion. Good luck, check out those websites, they can help if you use them. People with adhd need schedules so they can keep the brain calm. Read as much as you can about some of the other disorders that I mentioned, I didn't realize I was living with a narcissist until about 4 months ago and I finally figured it out after a ton of research. He started going to a therapist who helped him but now his job is preventing him from keeping appointments with the therapist, he currently an over the road truck driver. He retired after 20 years as a Firefighter, he spent a year in Afghanistan working for a contractor. My husband was raised by a narcissistic father and my husband was the scapegoat, he was constantly the one that was always blamed and punished, his sister who was adopted was the golden child who could never do any wrong. Almost all of these problems are hereditary or a result of the way they were raised. Since my husbands diagnosis of narcissism we have realized that his father contributed to all the problems he has had. Some intentional, some not so much. Not all families are fun loving and forgiving, but are very dysfunctional. Hope you can get things worked out for your sake and your son and any future children.