Hi everyone-
my original post is here:
https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/desperate-divorce#comment-58424
My wife wants a divorce. As I pull away my attention, she's starting to come around and consider couples therapy, calling me more, etc. She doesn't understand her part in the relationship; especially in regards to the ADHD symptoms, so for now, I just take full responsibility. I don't like the "game" aspect of this relationship, but I am hopeful that Melissa's workshop could put a dent in our issues moving forward (if we decide to reconcile). Keep in mind my wife is the one who's pushing for the divorce and served me with papers already. I have very little leverage, but at the same time, love her and think that there may be hope after being separated for some time and reading a lot of literature (including Melissa's book).
- I'm wondering if anyone has had experience with Melissa's online seminar?
- suggestions about how to get someone with ADHD to read ANYTHING, nevermind Melissa's entire book? (or "driven to distraction", etc)
- suggestions about how to somehow phrase that the seminar might be helpful without making my wife feel like there's something "wrong" with her or that I'm trying to change her.
I'm putting an attorney on retainer next week, so it's probably over anyway...
Thanks,
Matt
I took the seminar
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
My ADHD ex-wife and I took Melisa's seminar three and a half years ago. Our divorce was final two years ago.
The seminar focuses on what both parties need to do to attempt to improve/save the relationship. It reviews a great amount of techniques for improving communication and working on various issues. My wife lost interest after five or six weeks when the weekly 'homework' became more significant. 'Doing' (something she did not want to do) was not something she did. She did not accept that ADHD impacted all of her relationships.
I suggest you get a 'Book on Tape' version of the books so she can listen electronically.
interesting...
Submitted by MATTHD on
sorry to hear that.... so where are the two of you now?
I'm really surprised to hear that after taking 6 weeks of the course that she didn't accepted her relationships...has she figured out that she's the common denominator?
any regrets about how you handled it?
My ex-wife's 'Christmas Tree'
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
My ex-wife's 'Christmas Tree' of comorbidities are ADHD/Depression/RSD/ODD.
My ex-wife wanted a divorce for years wherein we'd live the same dynamic: I'd take my middle son down south for a week of elite baseball training/competitions around the Fourth of July. When we'd return my ex-wife would tell me she wanted to get a divorce. I would plead with her to go to couples' therapy. During the first session my ex-wife told the therapist that her doctor had diagnosed her as ADHD three years before (but she'd never told me). She noted that she did not like how the medications made her feel so she stopped taking them. We continued couples' therapy but also went to a prominent ADHD clinic to have my wife diagnosed again. (She did not believe the first diagnosis by her regular doctor was correct.) She was again diagnosed as ADHD and prescribed medication.
On my return from the next summer's baseball trip, my ex-wife again asked for a divorce. We went to a new couples' therapist to whom my ex-wife explained that she'd stopped taking her medication three months before because she did not like them. She had not told me she had stopped taking her medication. (Previously, anytime I'd ask my ex-wife how she thought she was doing on the medication, she'd become enraged that 'You are trying to 'fix me''!) We proceeded to the 'top-of-the-food chain' of ADHD psychiatrists who quickly again diagnosed her as ADHD. We then evaluated various medications and dosages over the next six months. Thereupon we took Melissa's seminar. During the seminar when it came time to 'do the activities' my wife always begged off that 'she was tired', etc. (I chock this up to Melissa's adage: ADHD does not destroy marriages; denial of ADHD destroys marriages.) After that we then employed a supposedly 'experienced ADHD counselor' who spent 95% of the sessions solely (excruciatingly) and minutely detailing all of my 'feelings' about everything but somehow never discussed ADHD and its varied impacts.
On my return from the next's summer's baseball trip my wife again asked for a divorce. I agreed since there seemed to be no more manufactured hope.
I regret the concept of my marriage ending. It has been very stressful but I've gained perspective on how crazy my and my kids' lives were during the years of ADHD rage. Never stopped. Never. I have not spoken to her since she moved out of our house almost three years ago.
Sounds familiar
Submitted by goldenchild321 on
My ex has adhd, depression, and RSD not sure about ODD and everything was my fault even when it wasn't even if it was perceived. I feel for you because I love her to pieces and wanted it to work just for her to really understand that I had her back. I educated myself but it almost felt like she wasn't trying to face any of it. It became to the point where I wondered if she was even aware. It scared me because she could have girls night and talk to her girlfriends and they would give her advice on a made up story. There was never anyone there to hold her accountable or look at it from my view point. It was like they enabled her to keep doing the same stuff. I'm sad for both of us, but also really appreciate you sharing your story. I can't talk to my friends about any of this. They don't understand it, and I'm trying to wrap my head around things that have zero logic or make any sense. It's just those moments when it has all aligned that have captivated me and made me believe. It seems to be a continuous cycle especially when it isn't properly treated.
will it get better...Hello friend....
Submitted by c ur self on
You make so much sense to me, the reality of my 13 year marriage attempt is also found in many of your testimonial's and written experiences...I could tell you I'm sorry your marriage ended, but, when I read your (our) posts, the realities people like us, are forced to live with daily?? Well, it makes me not know what to say, other than I get it...I'm living much of the same....It's a deep sigh, a deep breathe, and a head shake...
As you know to well, attempts to be one with a spouse, that shows no interest in self awareness, well, it just takes it's toll....So I will just wish you and kids the best in this life going forward....
Looking over your list of things "she had on her Christmas tree of living" I see my wife, and I can also see myself, and others I've read here....It's not a mental or emotionally healthy situation we put ourselves in with partners who live so self absorbed....
Well wishes and prayers sent you way...
c
If there's one thing I have learned.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
If there is one thing that I've learned, it's this.
Although it's frustrating the only person you can change is yourself. Sometimes even when you present someone with all the information they still won't believe.
If your spouse or partner does not believe that they have ADHD, or they accept that they have ADHD but don't believe that their behavior affects anyone else there really isn't anything you can do except set boundaries and stick to them. Also, refuse to do things for them that they could do themselves and let them suffer the consequences of their actions.
If you've not read this blog
Submitted by nonadhdhub on
If you've not read this blog post by Melissa, I recommend you do so as it has helped me a lot: https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/learning-yourself-again-non-add-spouse-version
I took each of the suggestions she listed at the bottom and for each wrote out a mission statement for myself which I try to review every few days as this entire "ADHD" concept is very new to me.
As the blog posts states and as others have stated, you can only be responsible for yourself. It sounds SO simple, but we all know how truly hard that is when ADHD is involved. I've done what I can for myself to really understand and define what "being responsible for me" means for ME. There is only so much you can do before you have to let it go. Not always an easy task, but for your own health it needs to be done.
To your questions, I went ahead and signed up for the seminar and simply invited my wife to join me. I don't know if she will or to what extent. That is out of my control. At the very least, I expect to better myself: know how to communicate better, let go of anger and resentment, regulate my thoughts and emotions, define/enforce boundaries, etc. All of which are positive things for ME which will make me a better person today and in the future.
I wish you all the best with your situation and I hope you can give yourself the grace you deserve and to be able to let go of the pain you've experienced.
totally...
Submitted by MATTHD on
Yes, to Melissa's entry. Funny, that's the same advice one would get in Alanon and/or any generic advice about "how to win your wife back" etc. Basically, detach yourself from the outcome, detach with love, individuate, accept your partner for who they are, let go of the result...
the other piece of advice that's implied is: people only change when they already feel accepted for exactly who they are. Keep us informed of what happens with the seminar and if she attends please.... will you do the live version? it's only by phone? I feel like my wife would balk at the idea and see it as boring...