I don't post often but read often. Helps me keep my sanity. 23 years in w/ADD husband. Most of the issues discussed here apply off/on to us at any given time. He's a great man and we have foundation of unconditional love, which is a blessing not had by all...but ADD issues are a constant battle. We're leaving for 3 night getaway for anniversary tomorrow and have been sniping at each other for days. How sad this makes me. So much dysfunctional communication. He thinks he can't do anything good enough. I feel like I'm blamed for everything. It's such a sad, pathetic cycle for two people who actually do love each other. Don't even know why I'm typing this. Guess I just want validation that I'm not insane for wanting someone to choose me above everything. To value our marriage more than his pride. To try to see anything from my point of view. But that's not ADD, right?!
Sometimes you just suck it up....(most times)
Submitted by Beachlover68 on 02/02/2017.
Beachlover68 It's All ADHD...Up to a Point?
Submitted by kellyj on
I wanted to give you that validation right off the bat. You're not insane...but neither is your husband? What is ADHD..and what is not? Boy that's a tough one to answer...especially when I am with someone ( my wife ) who has it undiagnosed? I am so different than she is...in so many ways...that it was really difficult to see...just the ADHD parts..and which parts are not? And since it has been...so long ago, that I was in the same "stage" in my own process in this....I had to go way back to find the place in myself...to see where she is now? So to say what part is ADHD and what part is not? How about saying it this way instead? Which "stage" in the process of having ADHD is a person in...and how far have they got to go..to get there?
"There".....in respect to having ADHD....doesn't really exist? You always have it...all the time....but how well you manage it and how aware of it you are yourself .....has everything to do with denial of it right at first? Nothing happens...until you get past that stage first..and from the sound of what "most" who end up coming here and complaining about ( yes it's Okay....I have vented my ass off here over the same thing so yes....it's complaining about someone who is "stuck " with one wheel in the ditch..and is spinning and going no where fast? You can call it what ever you will and everyone has their own means of coping with this which from many of the posts I read....."crying and despair"....appear to be a common end result? I've had my moments too....but I tend to not stay there very long ...or sit and harbor resentment and hang on to that ...and more just gets "pissed". I have come here mostly when I'm not dealing well..and just vent my frustration....which was my way...and my response to exactly the same thing? Which is being with someone...who is kind of being a bone head..and refusing to listen? You might find that odd...coming from the ADHD side of things...which might tell you something if you stop long enough to think about it? You all.....so many times as I have heard the same thing....want to know if you are crazy..and are unsure of which way is up most of the time?
When I see my wife....being as I am calling it....."a bone head".......that would be me....seeing myself back at "that stage"..and rolling my eyes in contempt...more about me...being a bone head back then..and now seeing the same "bone head ' standing in front me...doing the same things I use to do and that.....not only doesn't make me cry or feel despair....it only serves to piss me off...knowing what is possible..and also remembering how "I got here and I can lose patience at times...because I know it doesn't "have to be that way"...depending on what you are talking about?
If you are talking about things like: leaving door and cupboard drawers open. Being kind of "absent minded" and forgetting things ( not major ones but still annoying ones ) or any manner of just not paying attention or getting distracted....."in the moment"...then those things ...if they are the real thing that is on your mind that you can't tolerate or live with? Probably best to pack you bags and leave if those are causing you heart ache and despair? And just to point out something here...my wife...being a female..and focused on things around the house? She is almost spotless..to perfection when it comes to household chores and things of that nature? Because she is still a women...but a woman with ADHD?
In fact...in just a hypothetical here? If you were..say a lesbian....and got together with my wife as a partner? You'd have the perfect "mate" for a woman in terms of house hold chores and things along those lines because she is damn near "perfect"..in every way you could possibly imagine when it comes to "those things"? And yet...she still has undiagnosed ADHD?
So what is ADHD here..and what is not?
"We're leaving for 3 night getaway for anniversary tomorrow and have been sniping at each other for days. How sad this makes me. So much dysfunctional communication. He thinks he can't do anything good enough. I feel like I'm blamed for everything. It's such a sad, pathetic cycle for two people who actually do love each other. Don't even know why I'm typing this. Guess I just want validation that I'm not insane for wanting someone to choose me above everything. To value our marriage more than his pride. To try to see anything from my point of view. But that's not ADD, right?!"
You guessed ...wrong there Beachlover68. That..as far as I can tell....is 100% ADHD..and nothing more than that? That has nothing to do with attention and getting "distracted" like the examples I gave as common ADHD complaints from mostly women who come to this forum....but you never heard me complain about those things with my wife.....even once? From the male female point of view....those are male female tendencies anyway for most couples to deal with on some level or another?
But the controlling nature that ADHD has on you..and your ability to "control it" yourself...either makes you....'out of control" but especially "emotionally"...and causes all that "sniping" any time you get near to doing something that requires preparedness and being ready...both physically and emotionally...to do things what ever they are? And the worse off or worse you are in being prepared and being resilient to change....the worse off you will be...the more bitching and sniping and irritable you will be..the more these cycles will come around and effect you ..if you are not paying attention to it...or having learned how to do it yet?
And right when I thought...I had gotten that all under control.....now I come face to face with someone else doing it..and seemingly...have to through that..all over again but now with another person? But ...another person...who has /had...one wheel "stuck" in the ditch...and was spinning wildly....thinking the more gas she put on the accelerator....that this will somehow...get her un-stuck? And all that did...was throw "mud" all over the place..and including on me? LOL
Ironically after all is said and done at this stage of the game and with a few times of protesting this a little with my therapist as well? Coming now full circle on this and after reading what you were saying? It's not my wife's pride that was being valued the most...it was mine ( as the non-ADHD partner here in my case ) "Sucking it Up"...isn't something you have to do occasionally or intermittently? Sucking up...is a full time job coming at it now...from the other direction....and either you learn to swallow your pride and just make that a habit in itself without making a big deal about it? Or.....you remain...stuck...where you are...being "stuck" with someone else..with one wheel in the ditch?
I can give you one hint...in one thing you said...that actually might help you do this better yourself?
He thinks he can't do anything good enough. In exactly what I am saying to you here which is exactly what I have had to do and keep doing it..as long as I need to do it? You need to "Validate Him, Make sure you reassure him that he does things well..and keep telling him that he does? Reassurance and validation..is what YOU NEED TO GIVE....on a constant basis...all the time......not the other way around? If anyone needs to "suck up" and swallow your pride.....it's you more than him...going in the other direction?
You might not like the sound of that? And maybe because of the male female thing being different....what ever it is he needs...and using my wife as a means to compare to? What she needs is constant reassurance, validation, patience and understanding....CONSTANTLY AND CONSISTENTLY.....even when she herself..is not giving me that back in return in any consistent or predictable way?
And really...when I stop and think about it? I don't need...either "reassurance or validation" from my wife? All I really need is for us just to get along..without the drama, the emotional outbursts..and I'm a pretty happy camper...when all is said and done? It's a pretty small price to pay...in lue of the alternative.....that's the key here for me...in my ability to swallow my pride and get over myself....in having to do that on a constant basis....which stopped that cycle.,....because that cycle is what was really pissing me off..and I know...is completely unnecessary and can absolutely be changed?
I kin of had to put my foot down...more than once before that happened..and I had to go with my gut on that one...since it is not any book I've read up on? In fact....some might say...how I got here was not the best way or the right way? But once you tried everything else first ( as recommenced ) and the person you are with is still being a bone head...then more drastic measures are needed and your kind of "on your own" on that one? I'm taking off my last comment in referencing "bone head" here..and just to make sure I am saying this specifically? A "bone head"...is someone who is being "unreasonably stubborn" ( Mulish ) and is digging their heels in "just because"?
And as far as I am concerned....."just because"...is not an excuse? ( unless your 5 years old? )LOL In how I got that wheel out of the mud....I really can't help you with the How to Part. That...I just made up, in the moments..and applied myself to it....which won't work for you since you don't have ADHD. You might call that...."creative license"..and a lot of experience....which is one of my strong suits anyway...when all said and done? LOL
But the bottom line here for you just to make sure...."your not crazy or insane"....but neither is he? If you can take anything I just said..and apply it to your situation...l hope that gives you a means to validate yourself...so your husband won't have to which is good thing for sure?
J