Anger and EL have been discussed in another thread on this forum.
I sometimes wonder how I got to where I am today. It is EXTREMELY difficult to sort out my nurturing spirit and my propensity to be co-dependent. And my stubborn unwillingness to let go of my very troubled marriage.
Al-Anon - my Dad and my spouse's grandparents
Family history of depression - me - for several generation back
Cherry Boone O'Neill: Starving for Attention - me
National Eating Disorder Association - me
John Bradshaw: Family Secrets and Healing the Shame that Binds You - me and my spouse
Melody Beattie: Co-Dependant No-More - me, me, me
Cloud & Townsend: Boundaries - me
Scott Wetzler: Living with the Passive Aggressive Man - me
Melissa Orlov: The ADHD Effect on Marriage - my spouse's ADHD
Harriet Lerner: The Dance of Anger - me and my spouse
Hoarding - my spouse
Gary D. Chapman: The Five Love Languages - us
It is the identifying process that has tripped me up many-a-time. How to know. Have you heard the old story: "My child has a stomach ache. I called my mother and she said, 'How much candy do you let him have today?' I called my counselor and she said, 'Has there been any emotionally troubling problems at home today or did he possibly watch a scary TV show?' I called my pediatrician and she said, 'Go straight to the ER. He probably has appendicitis.' "
Yep, perception. Yep, I spent many years - from ages 18 - 35 - untangling my early life. Then I spent the next 15 years trying to figure out why all my work was not applying to my marriage. I have spent the past 5 years being tired of trying to understand anything else - at all. I am living that quote from It's a wonderful Life: "Help me, Clarence, please. Please! I want to live again! I want to live again. I want to live again. Please, God, let me live again." ~George Bailey?
Passive or What?
Submitted by RoseBudd on
OK, angry and hurt here. ADHD spouse and I (ADD) have been talking for 2 days about a project we are working on together, and he wanted me to be involved. We talked out the phases. Today i followed thru, but he sent a verbal stinger at me: I said we had talked about it, but he said I had talked about it but he had not.
When we try to do something together, he "invites" me in, but then he has a way of putting me down. I feel it emotionally unsafe to do things with him. I don't know what to do.
Very concerned about our marriage.
This sure clicked in my brain
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
RoseBudd,
"I feel it emotionally unsafe to do things with him."
Yes, I understand wholeheartedly. Planning events or projects is a nightmare. Normal bickering would be welcome. That is not the case. Things do not get done, he forgets what he said he would do or what time he said he would do it, and he has been very grouchy about being totally oblivious as to why myself nor my son are open to planning anything with him. He cannot acknowledge the problem. It is our sad reality.
Sure wish it wasn't so.
"I feel it emotionally unsafe to do things with him."
Submitted by jennalemon on
Never heard it said so exactly before. Thanks for putting it into words.
It resonated with me as well!
Submitted by copingSAH on
It resonated with me as well!
I'm fine and dandy on my own but as soon as I get into any project discussions with my ADD husband, no matter how innocuous the subject, I end up feeling pathetically mutable (invisible) and appearing manipulative and pushy according to him.
ADD won't agree to jointly discuss what playground set I'll be ordering for the backyard. After 5 months of him not having time to discuss it, with me asking him on and off in the most carefully worded way. Time is running out for me to act because the kids will be off for the summer. So I finally said to him today, I'm ordering the play set, I just need to know if you have any problems if <insert financial checks and balances>.
Then he snaps nastily "Do whatever it is you're going to do -- you're not going to listen to me anyway!"
What?! I can feel this is a conflict-inducing incorrect statement where it will just go nowhere productive. So instead of arguing, even though I decided I need to make a decision, I paid for it by getting symbolically negated.
So, yeah, I feel pretty emotionally unsafe too... I feel all those months of trying to get him to agree to the use of our space (he's not even paying for it), trying to get him involved so there are no misunderstandings, then I get it thrown in my face as if I planned all this behind his back and I'm such a backstabbing witch.