Spending more time together may kill our 35-year marriage

Talking to the hand, Bkfindley

Submitted by jennalemone on Thu, 01/26/2017 - 08:55

Bk, Welcome to the board.

It just helps to realize that it is not you and that you are not crazy or ugly or irritating or doing it wrong.....It is this odd behavior from them that comes off as off-putting. Feels off-putting. IS off-putting. Sorry you, like me, expected an intimate partner at this time of life and are being let down. It is lonely. I know.

You said you....can't start talking to him any more unless I'm sure he isn't thinking about something, or I can see that he isn't doing something.

This happens here also. Now that you say it I realize that this is what goes on here. All these 40 years, I had been pointing the finger on myself - that I was irritating or intrusive, but now that I see it in writing from someone else, I realize that this might very well be an ADD thing. He gets upset when his thoughts are interrupted. And is not very nice to me when I try to talk to him - almost always.

I just stopped approaching H once for conversing and sharing, thinking that I would see how long it would take for him to come to me to start a conversation. I thought after a few days he would be crazy with loneliness and loss of partnering and say, "What's wrong?" or "We should talk about what is going on here." Nope. He just never approached me at all to begin a talk about about anything other than "need to know" for that day's activities about children or grandchildren. Know what? That was over a year ago. The only thing other than that day's activities of children or grandchildren that he begins a conversation about is politics....then it is a rant or jokes.

I had to accept that and live my own life. I no longer approach him to talk....it just angers and irritates him. And now I know it's not because of me. It's because he can't handle a thoughtful conversation where he has to follow a train of thought other than his own internal rantings or his pastime diversions. I can no longer get rejected for trying to "couple" with him. He is angry that I am not approaching him, I know because he casts angry looks at me and walks past me like I am not in the room. I think (I can't know because he does not share thoughts or feelings with me) that he blames me for his failures. He has a way to turn things around in his head so that he does not have to feel. That and alcohol and tobacco and crossword puzzles and public radio.... All things that occupy his mind so that he does not have to think his thoughts. This is our life now. We live separate lives. But it is better for me than being scolded for trying to connect.

Sorry for being so negative this morning, but your post made me realize some things that I had stuffed and denied and was confused about over the last 40 years.

Insights and questions

Submitted by Bkfindley on Thu, 01/26/2017 - 09:29

Wow! Thanks for responding. I was beginning to wonder if I was the only one out there who had been married to an ADHD spouse for decades. Your comments made me feel like we could be married to the same guy. My husband finally got on meds about a year ago, and they help, but he refuses to take his mid-day dose, and that's when the day goes to crap. After yesterday's blow-out he apologized and said he'd starting taking the mid-day dose again, which gives me some hope, but also some new questions based on your message.

Have you heard of anyone who is doing research on aging with ADHD? I'm wondering if it's a "thing" that he really is getting more difficult to interact with, or if it's just that I'm noticing it more because we spend so much more time sharing space. Probably somewhere in between, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I'm pretty sure that my husband's mother also had ADD, and towards the end of her life she started spending all of her time watching trashy talk shows about bad behavior, and then she would go on a rant about "if that happened to me" as though it really had happened to her. She seemed to enjoy being angry, and I'm worried that my husband is starting to show some of the same tendencies. What is it about being angry that is so attractive to them? It sounds like a common theme in this forum. I wonder about that, too, in terms of research.

We have a five year old grandson who is a carbon copy of my husband, and I worry for his future if nobody ever figures out how to mitigate this ugly side of ADHD. But it sure was a relief to hear from you and know that I'm not the only one. Thank you

BK My Two Bits Here For What It's Worth

Submitted by kellyj on Thu, 01/26/2017 - 11:12

As Jenna so poignantly spotted the ADHD issue here as you described it..."can't start talking to him any more unless I'm sure he isn't thinking about something, or I can see that he isn't doing something."

You just identified to the ADHD issue...but applied specifically just this one situation? This..is the "thing"...that you are born with and is there your entire life..so it is not due to aging per se...since it was there as kid in the same way? It's the same issue...in fact...the issue never changes? What changes is your ability to cope and manage it...and mostly never having learning how to control it....more than anything else?

This is just a lack of....or inability...to interrupt yourself and stop in the middle of doing something...to change gears or change tasks to something else instead? That is ALL ADHD right there? And that never changes? What changes is you not being aware enough of yourself...to notice that as you age or when things in your life change ( circumstances ) that your ability to do this even if you are aware of it...will change as well? Getting older doesn't make it worse in my mind.....having to do it or never learning how to stop that and interrupt yourself...is closer to why this happens I think?

The ADHD issue of having really bad brakes...and then learning how to adopt a different strategy than just become frustrated and irritated because it's "hard to do"...is BS excuse in my mind? That's making excusers...for having ADHD and that's all it is I think?

I find I fail to do this more at time than others and that is just par for the course having ADHD? Blaming this on someone else or as Jenna mentioned...somehow turning this around and convincing yourself that it's because of the other person.....is just a symptom of someone who is aware enough about their own ADHD or who hasn't figured this part out yet? If ever? I think for people like myself who have ADHD......not figuring this part out ( just what I said ) is the first thing that has to happen in order to do anything about it...and stop blaming other people for your own personal problem that is ALL ADHD related...in just this one specific issue that gets carried over to lots of things like this....not just this ONE example that you gave?

I've come to realize this even more from seeing the same things in my wife who I feel does have ADHD as well? She has a terrible difficutlyt...in being specific which if you can't be specific and related that directly to the issue....then all you have are a bunch of situations like Jenna pointed out to you....that are all related the same thing or the same "specific issue". There is more to it with her and PTSD is a big part of it with her so I am not going to assume that PTSD is a part of everyone who has ADHD has.....so in that much.....PTSD or no PTSD.......this issue is ALL ADHD underneath the details of each situation it shows up in?

Intolerance to frustration. Low ability to stop or interrupt yourself..and a complete failure in seeing that it's not the other person causing this in you ( for us who have ADHD )...it's the ADHD itself which makes this more difficult for us..compared to other people?

I also wanting to point out as far as his meds go? It he doesn't need his meds in the middle of the day...or he finds that keeps him up at night and is not getting a good nights sleep if he takes his mid day dose? Then he shouldn't take it...if he has a good reason for that, or that there is some issue with the drug that he is not sharing with you but real...none the less? Consider for a moment that the reason he is taking it...is not for you by the way? He's not talking medication....so it will be easier or more pleasant for you? So if you are trying to use..."how he effects you"...in truing to determine if he should take his does or not....you are way off base in your thinking about this...or for anyone taking a "drug" for anything? It's not for you....it's for them to make their life easier...which indirectly will help make yours better......but there is no direct link here..between.... his drug, the dose....and you? Just wanted to point that out...from the things you said? It will have that indirect effect on you..in helping him control things...but the drug can't do anything more...than make it easier to do? If he isn't aware enough of what I just said previously? Then the drug can't do...what it's not designed or intend for and that come with learning how to do it? A drug can't teach you anything unless you are already aware of it in the first place and are actively working on the steps and measures in control long it already? The cart in the case...is the drug......the learning, becoming aware and working on controlling it...is the horse...just to be sure?

Your two bits are worth at least a dollar

Submitted by Bkfindley on Thu, 01/26/2017 - 11:50

i can't thank you enough for sharing your perspective. You are absolutely right - taking meds isn't for me, it's for him, and I'll try to remember that. I didn't ask why he wasn't taking them - because I was thinking about me instead of him. You are also right about his ADHD permeating everything else and being a factor through his whole life. I recognized that when I first met him, but he's a sweet soul underneath the ADHD and I value that more than anything. I guess that's why this recent mean streak has been so hard to cope with -- my father used to marvel about my husband's cheerful attitude to life in general, and asked me once "could you be that cheerful if you woke up every morning and started your day dealing with his challenges?". It never occurred to me that the cumulative frustration or some other factor could make it harder to see the sweet soul underneath one day. That's the struggle for me, and I've been thinking that he's not upholding his end of our "deal" - where I compensate for his issues and he thinks I hung the moon. :) Seeing the situation through your eyes makes me realize that I should be thinking of the current situation as more of a medical issue that has gotten out of control - with nobody really to blame. But it also brings me back to the question of his meds and why he wouldn't want to treat his condition. I'll definitely ask the question. Thank you so much for writing.

ADHD H here- Yes, having

Submitted by KayCee on Mon, 02/06/2017 - 03:23

ADHD H here- Yes, having trouble switching trains of thought is a part of it. "Normal" people probably have difficulty sympathizing or understanding what it's like. This would probably take a lot of difficult practice to overcome.

His getting angry at it, that's different. Difficulties with emotional regulation seems to be a common thing, I'm discovering. This might be somewhat alleviated by him practicing mediation and self-awareness. Being aware of your emotional state is the first step towards possibly understanding that the emotional state is not rationally justified, and taking further steps to change it.

Healthy inside and out

Submitted by jennalemone on Thu, 01/26/2017 - 10:43

I can't say I've seen research about ADD and aging, but I have been lucky enough to have sisters who talk about our husbands. All three of them (all retired) say their husbands are grouchy and ranty. I know of only a FEW close friends who say their retired husbands are sweet and loveable after retirement. I would say that I am not sweet and loveable anymore either. That seems to me to have not worked in my marriage. Looking back in retrospect, I would have done better being a firm and a less-compromising leader in this marriage. But I did not know what I didn't know.

Here is another thing I am noticing. H slams things. Not in a tirade, but just as his "way". Close the drawer - slam. Set down a knife on the counter - slam. Close the refrigerator door - slam. Stir his coffee - clang, clang, clang....loudly and too long for effectiveness.....seeming more for effect. I have been, by nature, over-sensitive. These things used to intimidate me....like "He who is the loudest and roughest wins so shut up!" He does not intimidate me anymore. I respond any way I am intuitively guided to respond rather than to defer or stuff or try to "make nice". Just now, I clanged my way through the kitchen. Not in a tirade, just not my usual sensory fragile self. He was a little put out. But, I don't care. After H said the words last year, "What did you EVER do for me?" I realize that H is so insensitive that whatever I do or say does not register in his mind/memory anyhow. Whatever I do for him/did for him does not compute in his brain. I am a nobody to his heart and mind - other than someone he could vent out his own frustrations upon. I care more for the dog's welfare than H thinks about my welfare. I have stopped attending to H's welfare too....I had been enabling H and cultivating an entitled attitude in him.

So, getting back to aging and ADD. I don't know if it is aging makes the ADD worse - cause and effect. My GUESS is that it is just the frustration and bones-aching aging reality for most of us. And then also the ADD they have had gave them a frustrating life. Retirement in itself is a loss and grief. I would have thought we could share in that grief and transcend together and travel. But no. He wallows alone and I don't like his company anymore.

Boy, I am in a mood this morning. I am going out to exercise with a friend.

BTW. To you all. I have found a little mind exercise that I made up lately that helps me get MY mind in a place where I like it better. It helps my well-being and I believe that our mental and spiritual health is more important at retirement than ever.

This is what I do: When I am cognizant of a negative mood washing over me (like right now), I ask myself "How do you WANT to feel?" Then I answer myself with whatever it is that my feelings are telling me....maybe happy, proud, content, peaceful, confident, strong, intelligent, OR physically well - just one feeling. Then I say to myself "What thoughts can you have that would go along with that feeling you want to feel?" I'll say to myself...."content". OK, then, start THINKING the thoughts of a content person. "I have a beautiful home, freedom, children, grandchildren, a good dog, good friends."....ahhhh, thanks and gratitude.

Let's try proud and confident...."I did this. I did that. I have these capabilities.... etc." It is the same as acting "as if" the situation and attributes already exist....because in most cases they do exist but we forget and are in the habit of going into a place of need and angst.

"I want to feel healthy." OK, off to exercise. It is work to be mentally and physically healthy!

I like your style

Submitted by Bkfindley on Thu, 01/26/2017 - 10:35

Thank you! I needed the reminder that I can choose a different perspective. I hope you had a good workout!

ADHD Jenna....

Submitted by c ur self on Sat, 01/28/2017 - 22:10

(After H said the words last year, "What did you EVER do for me?" I realize that H is so insensitive that whatever I do or say does not register in his mind/memory anyhow. Whatever I do for him/did for him does not compute in his brain.)

I've never met anyone who could match speaking so harsh, cold, uncaring and down right degrading one minute...And turn right around an hour later w/ no apology and act as if nothing was said...(alexithymia effect, the inability to recognize emotions)...If you question them about it, it's like they have no clue....Or they flip it...Anything but own it...(makes sense, how can you own something (negative emotion) you really can't comprehend?

If you have a spouse like this, you better find a way to not engage them in arguments...Or grow a very thick skin...Because if you are going to fight w/them you don't stand a chance emotionally... Dealing w/ someone unaffected for the most part by emotion....

I think so much of the deep hurt I've experienced and read from others on this forum comes about because of this...When you see someone who doesn't know when or how to cry...Or someone who can engage in arguments, sex, or any thing where emotions should be heightened, seemly unfazed by it all...Something isn't right....to me anyway....

Just like your statement here Jenna....It's almost impossible to not take it 100% intentional....Thus the baggage that comes from having never felt Loved....

Well said, C.

Submitted by jennalemone on Sun, 01/29/2017 - 11:20

Yes, C, you put this very well. I had not put these things together like this before. I don't have a thick skin but I can remove myself from the hurt by not trying to engage. I cannot bring myself to the cussedness and crudeness of H's arguments. I will never win or even be heard.

The good the bad and the ugly

Submitted by jennalemone on Tue, 01/31/2017 - 16:20

Sometimes I re-read my own entries on this site and consider if I still agree. Here is one where I don't agree with something I wrote (see above).

So, getting back to aging and ADD. I don't know if it is aging makes the ADD worse - cause and effect. My GUESS is that it is just the frustration and bones-aching aging reality for most of us. And then also the ADD they have had gave them a frustrating life. Retirement in itself is a loss and grief. I would have thought we could share in that grief and transcend together and travel. But no. He wallows alone and I don't like his company anymore.

Maybe I was trying to be understanding and nice in my mind, but a closer reality in our relationship and my GUESS of what is really going on is:

My GUESS is that after all these years I have compensated for H's way. I did this, enabling the marriage. I was not so much an enabler to HIM as I was an enabler of the marriage and family and H took the spoils of the battles as his own victories. I had not been fighting but rather serving....he never saw it that way. He had been fighting all these years with very thick boundaries around himself. What I am seeing in H in our golden years is this.....H seems to feel entitled to special treatment. He seems to feel smug....like he won most of the battles and is quite proud of himself. Like he won the "macho" prize for never having to say "I'm sorry" or to "give in". Like "having his way with me" was his game and he won. He was one to fight to NOT do the responsibilities of the title of husband and father. Like he is thinking, "I didn't want to be a father so I am going to "stick it" to the person I blame for having to be a father....and I will be a rebellious son/child instead. I'll just turn this whole thing around and have fun....and be unattached. I will do it my way."

I have taken off my hat of self-sacrificer/true-blue-to-the-cause/rose-colored-glasses-seer, and at this time in my life, and on this site anyway, I am opening the doors of reality and really seeing HIM ....as he really has been and as he IS. I am removing the filter of seeing him as I WANTED to see a loving, trustworthy husband. No more do I see him with the eyes of possibility and faith. It it like I am really seeing him for the first time....accepting the good (which I always tried to do) AND the bad.

I don't think this is ADD. My difficulties with H are on some other brain/actions spectrum. He seems to be playing a game in his head that I don't know of. He is playing this solitary game by his own rules and not caring if others who are involved or impacted agree or not...just impulsively demanding his way and if you don't like it, you can just "Sit on it!".

"Curmudgeon Effect" 1: 1 Relationship?

Submitted by kellyj on Wed, 02/01/2017 - 10:23

Jenna,

You posed a good question here? Does aging make ADHD worse? This is kind of a cart and horse things here so I am going to throw this out as I have been noticing this within myself comparing myself to other people ( who are older in my recent and distant past ) of how some people do become more "curmudgeon like" as they get older as well as that "bit of entitlement" you mentioned?

My thinking on this is the aging doesn't change the person you are as much as you become less tolerant due to your ability to do the same things you did when you were younger in you're "glory days"...so to speak? ADHD aside for a moment....and taking my own mother for example? She ended up with Alzeimers and when our family really started noticing it...was when we noticed she became more stubborn and willful and less inhibited as she aged along with these increasing behaviors that became more out of character for her? This was at a time I was over there a lot helping her out and my sisters were busy with their families and not noticing this as much at the time? There were finally some really stand out events that got everyone looking...and me going "hey you guys...I've been trying to tell you?" And my sisters were starting to notice some things they hadn't before? That's when my brother in law spoke up and said.."she's been this way as long as I have known her....but now it's just worse than before?

I think my brother in law hit the nail on the head? These more subtle qualities that kind of flew just under the radar...were know coming to full fruition..and NOW...everyone started paying attention to them? Bingo.....as far as I could tell and I agreed with my brother in law immediately and felt the same way?

I think if a person is predisposed to be kind of curmudgeon anyway....they are likely to be just more of one when they get older...but not everyone who ages and gets to that place....automatically turns into a curmudgeon...and a "grouchy "Old Timer" ". LOL I try my best....not to be a "grouchy old timer who is set in their ways"...and even in that last sentence....everyone knows someone like this somewhere or has seen a person like this but that doesn't mean....everyone is? And for the most part....I'm not that way either? In fact....as I have mentioned and am currently working on correcting this problem.....I am mostly a pretty easy person to get along with either by myself...or in a group and mainly because....I tend to ( and always have ) kind of gone along with the flow...where ever or whom ever I am with? And the fact that I actually like...a lot of variety....I like to go to new places, be put in new situations and for the most part...actually get bored with too much routine and things that are "scripted"...when it comes to things like having fun or doing enjoyable things with people? The fact is...I am almost the antithesis...a person who is...."set in their ways" as a general rule?

But...I have found as I have gotten older...and yes, being on medication does take some of the edge off in seeking stimulating activities and ( outwardly possibly? ) appear calmer and less "hyper"...that doesn't necessarily mean I still don't get antsy if I am "stuck in a rut" for too long? When ever I hear that word "Ant-sy"...it reminds me of James Brown.... "I got Ants in my Pants and I needs to dance!" LOL Simply put. LOL

But that's just who I am for the most part...and I have...for the most part...always been that way? I am less that way now that I am older....but it doesn't mean I've changed all that much when the "iron is Hot" and I feel the need to "strike"....if you follow me? The fact is....most people who have known me in the past...found this a good quality mainly for friendships and activities because I am not the proverbial...."stick in the mud." There is a down side to this as well...going in the oppostie direction in that as a rule all the time...that is not something to aspire to...ALL OF THE TIME??

However.....aging has taken care of that for the most part...and I am much happier leading a more sedentary life compared to my past but that doesn't mean....I suddenly turned into a curmudgeon just because I am older?

A curmudgeon as stated is a person.....1.a bad-tempered, difficult, cantankerous person. And who does not understand that word...as described to fit an "Old Curmudgeon"? I remember an old show on TV in the late 50's or early 60's called "The Real McCoys"..and in it...there was the Grandfather played by Walter Brennan who was the biggest curmudgeon I can I think of? Talk about a bad attitude who was always cantankerous and negative.....the closest other example of that would be "Yosemite Sam" the cartoon character? "What I've got to say...I'm say'in with LEAD...RABBIT!!!" LOL If you get my point?

In theory at least....old curmudgeons...started out as young ones....simply put? Ironically....before I knew anything about Alzheimer as a disease or even what it was when I was younger...I use to thin people were saying "Old Timers Disease"...and thought that was almost a joke?? LOL Seriously. LOL But I did learn something from my mother being in a "memory unit"...and being around that population for a while? It appeared to be two distinct catagories for people who are afflicted with dementia and it was remarkably "distinct" in the two probabilities?

A) They were extremely complacent and docile...and took orders or would do what ever you told them to do..without a problem? Almost like they could be just lead around like a dairy cow and easily "herded to their stall" without a problem and for the most part...the majority of the patients I saw were like this example including my mother...case in point.

B) They were kind of hostile..and overtly insubordinate..and were constantly "bitching" and creating a fuss...over generally nothing more than trivia and minutia and were seemingly...over paranoid about things in general? There was this one guy in my mom unit...that everyone knew...because the second you walked into the room "Bob"...would let you know...to "keep your damn hands off the TV or the remote" ...since he had a thing about which TV shows were acceptable..and mainly...only the one's he wanted to watch....were. LOL Even if you had no intention on touching the TV....even if you walked in that direction....he started to get irritated!! He had his eye on you ( eye balling you with the stink eye )..the entire time you were there ..or anyone who thought that they might be so brazen...to actually decide to change the channel...when Bob was in the room. LOL

And the other one was Sarah...who like to invite herself into your room unannounced...and then tell you "you've got to watch them here....they're all crooks and liars and they'll come and take your food from you!!" LOL. This could go on for quite some time...before the nurses or attendants would retrieve Sarah and take her back to her room. LOL I think her beef was....they would come in and clear her dinner dishes from her when she was asleep or taking a nap..and then when she would wake up....the last half of her uneaten dinner roll was gone? LOL If you can see the problem here from a more rational point of view?

The thing is...I'm not sure if this is as much "entitlement"...but more or "less inhibited" and more apt to just...."let it out"? What ever "IT" is...that is in there all ready?

too funny not to include here. "Walter Brennon Impersonation"..."Do you feel lucky....Punk?? " LOL https://youtu.be/PQLfiEDSulM

Hi BK

Submitted by c ur self on Thu, 01/26/2017 - 16:31

Trying to communicate how our minds work to our spouses even for those who live aware (not in denial) of their difficulties isn't rocket science....But, it can be difficult to word our realities to YOU!...Our beautiful sensitive loving spouses..

I suffer with some symptoms of adhd when it comes to my ability to deeply focus and not hear you (mother use to get frustrated when I was child, and threaten to have my hearing checked) if you maybe just start talking as you enter the room. (assuming I'm alert) At some point you will eventfully break my train of thought, but, I may have to have you repeat some of the first part of what you were saying...So I am sure that is annoying for you, and the frustration comments coming back from you is annoying to me, since I feel like it's your fault anyway. Since you are the one wanting something, not me...So, if I'm going to answer you or hear you, you are going to have to rewind it...And dropping the attitude want hurt either. (See how that works?? playing both sides of the fence here, because believe me when I tell you;) I've been on both sides LOL)....

So it sounds like to me, your husband just did a very poor job of kindly relaying his difficulty in alertness, attentiveness when in deep thought....So I personally wouldn't take it to serious...My wife has adhd on a different level than I do...So I know about leaving them alone (not speaking to them) when they are rushing and focused on getting ready or any time high tension is evident (which lets face it, is a lot of times) because they racing the clock trying to not be late... etc....The tendency for a person who has time management issues and is easily distracted is to just STOP what they are doing and engage your question fully....Which once they realize they have done this, the reality of being farther behind usually (in my experience anyway) produces outbursts of high emotion, and blame is coming your way...Who may have just asked what do think we should for supper tonight??

So learning to recognize this inability to do what seems easy for some (handling multiple thoughts) is critical thing that must be understood for both parties...To avoid stepping unwisely into conflict....

We must mange our own lives in a responsible manner; and that takes awareness for both of us also....

I hope he will think about his words to you, and try to explain to you in a more loving and kind way, what it's like to live in his mind....But, don't count on it...He may think he did a good job already...Some times us men don't have a clue:), or at least to hear our wives tell it...

Blessings

The view from your perspective

Submitted by Bkfindley on Thu, 01/26/2017 - 17:40

Thank you for the great explanation of what it's like to be inside your head. My husband is not nearly as articulate as you are, but when I read portions of your response to him he kept saying "Exactly!!" (I didn't mention it before, but he's also dyslexic, so I generally read things to him - especially if the info is complex or conceptual.) He asked me to thank you for sharing your insights with me, and for the reassurance he got from your message. He says it's a relief to realize that ADHD might be the cause of some of his behavior, because otherwise he's just turns into a jerk sometimes for no good reason, and he always feels bad about it later. Now that we both have your perspective I can consider the circumstances and the possibility that he's "under the influence" of ADHD as opposed to just being a jerk. Which is kind of awesome, since it's hard sometimes to reconcile his behavior with the person I know him to be. Many thanks, again. I couldn't begin to put a price tag on the value of your perspective.

Very much identify, BK

Submitted by Zapp10 on Sun, 01/29/2017 - 11:37

I have been married 43 years....the non adhd wife here. Your last comment is so true...people would be shocked to hear that my H and I were no longer together. His own family has not a clue. The low lying adhd that came alive when he stopped his outrageous consumption of coffee(caffeine is known to be a natural stimulant for adhd) put me over the edge for about 3 years. Now 4 years later than the 3 another issue has been recognized that ...between the 2 I cannot cope anymore. Or should I say...WILL NOT participate in a marriage facsimile?

I too have questions about the growing older and increased(?) symptoms. And then I go back to the reality of.....his refusal to address it except how he wants to do it, when he wants or not. He is convinced that acknowledging the existence....is enough. SO LONG as that is his take on it....I am done and I told him so yesterday. He brought something up that he needs me to do concerning the marriage.....my reply? " I am no longer addressing this marriage. We have NOTHING to discuss. You need professional help. You do not know what you do not know" and I left the room. It was "freeing" for me to calmly say that. He was surprised? Why? Where has he been? and THAT is the key right there. My H needs professional help. Neither he nor I can navigate this. I hardly know who I am anymore let alone him.

In hindsight what would I change in learning of the adhd? IF it is not a top priority for the spouse suspected of having it then that kinda should be a big flag to how NOT important/valued the non adhd spouse is to them. If the situation were reversed I would expect the same from my spouse. In a marriage what each other thinks, sees, feels, needs is valued NOT discounted.

I do love my H and I do blame myself for not STANDING up sooner to his avoidance in addressing the adhd. I do not feel the same love for him now.( is it because I am older and physically/ mentally can't keep up?)....where did it go? How could it go? I cannot spend my days like this......I have been finding my OWN value and I am more relaxed and at peace in doing so. I will not "feel" sorry for my H.....THAT is HIS comfort zone.

I wish you the very best.A lifetime together is not easily let go of. I never ever dreamed I would be in this position. I never dreamed I would bury a child either. I survived that.....this pales in comparison. While the end of a marriage is a "death".....NO ONE DIES......that is my measure. I don't expect everyone understands/ agrees.....everyone needs to find their own measure.

You are in my thoughts.

Bounce back

Submitted by Cybersaskia on Tue, 02/07/2017 - 05:36

I had the same problem with my husband a few years back. He was complaining about me always interrupting him. And he could get quite angry too. I turned the question around for him and said: you are always doing SOMETHING, so I'll ALWAYS be interrupting. I'm perfectly willing to think about how and when I can best interrupt you, but i will not sit around and put my life on hold until you decide to pay attention to me. And i will not live with some- one who treats me like crap cause he is always busy. I want to spend time with you and i think i deserve to do that AND to connect on hard and practical issues that affect us both. So how can i best signal that i need your attention for something urgent and how can i make sure you will pay attention to me at some agreed upon time in the future if i need you attention for something non-urgent?

We ended up agreeing on a method for short check in's during the day when something urgent comes up or to set a "date" (i.e. one of us will be working at the pc in the evening and the other checks in to see if they can do their own stuff or if we'll be doing something together later that evening. We then agree upon a time and set a timer so we don't lose track) We also schedule regular time together where we can talk about and/or schedule the non urgent stuff. I.E. we have a cup of tea every evening after the kids are asleep where we go through what's important, we have regular baths together to talk about emotional stuff without distractions, we try to go on date night every 2 weeks and we have a weekly planning session for the week to go through engagements and we divide shopping and cooking chores

Hope that helps!

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