I am looking for some support and answers regarding diagnosis and denial. A psychiatrist diagnosed my husband a few years ago with ADD yet my husband is in deep denial and refuses to seek treatment or see how his behavior affects others. He believes he is "managing" just fine. After many arguments and broken promises, I felt I had no option but to enable him by taking on the finances, children, home, calendar, estate planning, investments, initiating sex, planning time for us to be together, etc. Many of these tasks cannot just go undone. (I am a former English teacher and he is an attorney, he truly is better suited for some of these tasks.)
I became exhausted, lost my self-respect and lost my identity as "an equal." I became angry and bitter. In recent months, I have taken a different outlook. I try to see my actions as self-care should I decide to leave him. I must oversee maintenance on our home - or I won't be able to sell it when I leave him. I must take care of the finances so I'll be able to get credit when I am divorced, etc. This may be good "boundary setting" but it is lonely, unsatisfying work. I have no hope for our marriage. Yet deep down, all I really want is to feel part of a team!
When I try to discuss my feelings of loneliness, disappointment and frustration, my husband passive-aggressively denies any responsibility. He simply states, "I hear you saying that I am the sole problem. You think I am to blame for all our problems." He is very good at getting me on the defensive.
He recently agreed to go to Dr. Hallowell's seminar in June. I thought if I could get him there, he might finally see the light. Yet today we talked and he stands firm that I cannot demand he change. He believes that since I married him the way he was, he is not obligated to grow or change.
If he had a vision problem and couldn't see the road, I think it would be plausible for me to demand he get his eyes checked and get glasses if that's what the doctor ordered! Living with a spouse with untreated ADD, I often feel anxious and fearful like a passenger in a car with a blind-folded driver. I don't feel safe and secure. I never feel we are on course. Living crisis to crisis has taken its toll on me. I am a stay-at-home mom raising three young children. In many respects, I have put my life in my husband's hands.
Is it fair of me to of give him an ultimatum? "You must get treatment for your ADD or I am leaving you?" I need advice because sometimes I find my strength waning and start believing I am being unreasonable. In many posts, Melissa talks about supporting the ADD partner in his treatment. I can't support denial. I can't go on living this way. I am so lonely and desperate for a partner in life. I know I can't change him. I know I can't make him want to change.
1. Don't spouses/parents have a responsibility to get the best treatment for their ADD once diagnosed?
2. What benefits does he get by remaining in denial?
Thank you!
PS: His ADD was not evident when we were dating. It was a "novel" time in our lives. We had no dependents. We weren't home-owners. He didn't have a track record of broken promises.
denial
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
denial
Submitted by learningallthetime (not verified) on
supporting spouse in treatment
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I do say that it helps to support your spouse in treatment...but your spouse isn't in treatment and that's the problem. And, as the post below communicates, sometimes the best help is a consistent "no, I won't take it anymore." Anyway, it's completely fair to give him an ultimatum if your situation is untenable. Certainly there are plenty of ADD spouses who have written on this site that finally getting treatment was a real eye opener for them. Not a negative.
What you say you went through mirrors the experiences of so many - the losing of oneself and self-confidence. Good for you to recognize that there is so much at stake here for you personally. Ultimately, you are trying to have a fulfilling relationship but that only happens if you are both fully aware. As for the benefit of his being in denial - there are many. He doesn't have to face his ADD, he can live feeling as if he's "okay" rather than "broken" (which is how many interpret ADD, even though another interpretation is "different"), plus you get to do all the work that he hates to do. Granted, he also gets a wife who is cranky and unhappy and angry...but as long as he stays in denial he can convince himself that that's your problem, not his. If he moves out of denial then he has to look his role in your marriage problems full in the face...which is really hard, and can be overwhelming. It takes a great deal of courage to admit you've messed up that much.
I found the email below about the woman who set the ultimatum to her ADD spouse very moving (and obviously also effective in her case). She really experienced a ton of pain, but her holding steady created a brighter future for them both. That won't always be the outcome, but it can be.
Also, I suggest you email a copy of your post directly to Dr. Hallowell, along with any other information you think he might need as background about the two of you some time before the June conference (he's busy - so give him a couple weeks to digest). He is very good at getting people with ADD to face how their ADD affects other people - he is able to do it without scaring them or making them feel judged. So he can be a great tool in your arsenal...
Oh honey I'm in a similar
Submitted by Cathryn on
Oh honey I'm in a similar position, in some ways at least. I have only found out a few days ago that my husband has ADD. My first reaction was joy! I thought, there's a reason he acts the way he does, it's not HIM, it's the ADD. I thought it could be fixed and I could be happy. But now...I'm so scared. He may never change. It scares me to death to divorce him, I have 2 young children and am a stay at home mom. I can't see myself raising them alone. I guess I'm weak, I don't know. But from being married to him, I can tell he has a good heart, but it's like he never cared a lick about me. Now I know why. But as I'm reading all these posts and blogs, I'm seeing other people feel the same exact way I do, when having a spouse with ADD. I'm hurt, lonely, overwhelmed, I don't feel secure with him. So I just can't see myself being that unhappy for the rest of my life if he won't change. Granted, we have yet to get him help, maybe he will get better, but I'm still so scared. It's like...it's hitting me now or something. Since learning of the diagnosis, I almost feel like I don't know him anymore. Sorry for the TMI, but we made love tonight and I almost felt like I was with a stranger, my mind was just.....hazed. I don't know how to explain it. I'm almost dreading getting him help b/c i don't want to find out nothing will help him. Then...then I will be in a black hole. Like you, I'm so desperate for companionship. I can't really answer your questions, but I was glad to read about someone who's going through this with me. Good luck.
afraid this could be our future if he doesn't stop fighting this
Submitted by happycamper13 on
my husband has been diagnosed recently. i too felt joy, because now there was an explanation and solutions for us. i am so ready to release the anger and work together. he'd rather focus on "marital problems." according to him, it's my temper and anger that are the real problem. he's a master of deflection and denial. there's no reasoning with him in that mind set. sometimes he's up to looking at this, other times he thinks its all bs. he keeps threatening separation, and to go off all meds and go untreated, or get treatment and then leave me anyway. the rollercoaster, blame, tears and responsiblity are making me sick.
we have an eight month old girl. he's a wonderful father. but he hasn't worked in a year, got a big-time DUI and lost driving privileges until next summer (i'm praying he gets his restricted license in a few weeks), has spent all of our money and credit trying to start a failing business and buying crap compulsively, destroyed our house with started-but-unfinished projects and only now may be finally getting a job...now that we have missed a mortgage payment and have no real money for food. and now that i have screamed, left him for a night, etc.
i just heard him leave a message at a clinic, so i'm hanging on hope. i love him so much, this is tearing me apart. i love his "madness" and energy and creativity. i just can't live within this mad, mad world we've created together, and i certainly can't keep my daughter in this volatile an environment for long. thank you for this site and all the words of encouragement and hope here. i am so desperate, so lost, so lonely.
Have him read
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Have him read the post about the ADHD man's new life and "for the ADHD man who thinks it doesn't matter". The second one starts to explain the connection between your anger and behavior and his ADHD.
Your wonderful posts/advice
Submitted by happycamper13 on
Thank you for responding. Two days ago, I sent him a link to the post you mentioned, and then a few others in a separate email. He's been stubborn about not reading them, instead farting around on facebook all day, and trying to find ways to make me the enemy. However, I can tell he's slinking back to address this when he realizes i'm not backing down. i just wish i didn't have to get so angry to get him to respond. I understand how much he doesn't want me to be "right" but he wants care at the same time. I keep trying to get out of the way, but I can't give up trying to help him, and if I stop pushing, he forgets or thinks it's not that big of a deal. I feel like it's my responsibility to get him to the "water" and then I have let him drink. He's my spouse and my love, and he is sick right now, so I'll drag him kicking and screaming if I think it will save his wonderful life. I have to try, I made that vow at least. It would also be cool if we could save our marriage and love for each other. I've read a lot of this site. He wouldn't have been diagnosed if it weren't for this site and a few friends who recognized my experience. It looks like some patience and diligence might win out. He has an appointment TOMORROW!!! yay!! With a real adult ADD specialist. I am afraid to get my hopes up because I've been disappointed so much, but I think he's on his way, albeit reluctantly. He's really such a wonderful and open guy.
I'm hanging on the hope this website provides and can't thank you enough for giving me some clarity. I really had come to believe this was all my fault somehow, that I was "ruining" him. I can easily imagine the sadness of all this if we had no one to turn to. We wouldn't make it. So, so sad. And of course, now that I have a new daughter, I'm grateful to be so aware, so if she has ADD and is blessed with it's gifts, she won't have to suffer needlessly. I'm sure you hear things like this a lot, but rarely has something in this world felt like salvation the way the words on this website have to me. Thank you, Thank you and Thank you.