This may not be the proper place to post about this, but it's a major source of frustration for me, plus it's depressing.
My house is a major mess. After everything I've read about ADHD I guess it's no surprise.
Two years ago the toilet upstairs started to leak. We found out water leaked under the floor tiles. We got a new toilet, and my husband started to pull up the tiles and removing panelling from the walls. He didn't get very far on that, so I finished it. So, the bathroom has no tiles on the floor, no panelling on the walls and is used as a junk room. So when his kids visit five of us are using the bathroom downstairs.
He installed a ceiling fan in our bedroom...mmm...about four years ago, but apparently something didn't work quite right and it still doesn't work. So we use two small lamps for light at night.
I started repainting the exterior window frames about four years ago (he didn't add my name to the deed so I don't consider this to be my house) got very little help from him, (he spent most of his time in front of the computer) and gave up. This caused a major fibromyalgia flare and it's been bad ever since. So...the wood has been exposed to the elements all these years and he's made no attempt to do anything about it.
We can't use the dining room table because he has so much piled on top of it. A good portion of it is mail, which hasn't been looked at. Piles of mail and paper surround the computer. So...some of the bills don't get paid on time. He won't share anything about the finances with me. I have no idea how much debt we're in.
There are piles in every room in the house. The kitchen counters aren't usable because they are completely covered. He used to do all the cooking, but gradually quit, which threw me off balance because I didn't know if I was supposed to start cooking or what. He used to love to cook. I think depression has something to do with this. The neutral cable leading to our house deteriorated to the point that we were having major surges in the house. Fortunately he figured out what was going on and turned off he power, but now the oven doesn't work. He says we don't have enough money to buy a new stove, but alot of money is being spent on plants.
Boxes are piled up in his kids room. When they came to visit for Christmas they had to share a bed in the spare room because crap was piled up on their beds. We didn't use use the dining room table for Christmas dinner. We sat on the couch in front of the t.v.
The room that is supposed to be my workroom is a mess because there isn't room for all my books and supplies.
I've tried talking to him about all of this, offered to help clean up, gotten mad, offered suggestions how it could easier to do all of this, and have decided to keep my mouth shut let whatever happens, happens. But it's driving me crazy. I feel like I'm living his life, not mine.
You guys need some help and he needs to admit the problems
Submitted by sapphyre on
My house is a major mess - check
We can't use the dining room table because he has so much piled on top of it - check
He won't share anything about the finances with me. I have no idea how much debt we're in. - Um, he doesn't have the right to do this, especially when he has ADHD. Get this sorted immediately!
There are piles in every room in the house. The kitchen counters aren't usable because they are completely covered. He used to do all the cooking, but gradually quit, which threw me off balance because I didn't know if I was supposed to start cooking or what. He used to love to cook. I think depression has something to do with this. - Mine quit due to an injury and hasn't started again despite being almost back to where he was physically before the injury :(
I feel like a feminist here, but why does he get to stop you looking at the finances? I think I asked this somewhere else to a different person. If his bad spending habits can bring you both down, then do something about it.
Finances
Submitted by fuzzylogic72 on
You're right about the necessity of acknowledging problems, and being open/willing to make changes. I for one, would be RELIEVED to have a spouse take control of the finances! I know it's an area of weakness (to put it lightly) for me, so if she is better at it then I'm happy to hand over my credit cards, give her my banking passwords and submit to any budget she would propose! That's not feminist at all, it's good sense and would help both people.
I am really confused by your
Submitted by brooks30 on
I am really confused by your post. Mostly because it seems as if you have no power in any of the decision making around the house.
Are you two married? How long have you been together?
Unless you step up and start taking some initative for how the household is ran then nothing is going to stop that maddness. I understand you don't consider this your house but if you live there full time and have such strong opinions on how things are ran there then you need to start considering it your house.
Does he for sure have ADHD. In other words has there been a diagnosis?
If you are married...
Submitted by Sueann on
In every state you have rights to your home, whether he puts your name on the deed or not. It is the marital home and he can not put you out, leave it to someone other than you in his will or anything like that. You own 50% of it.
I've tried
Submitted by metooo on
He doesn't have a an official diagnosis of ADHD, but he says he has it. His adopted son was diagnosed many years ago, and based on what he learned about his son, he determined this is him too. I've read alot about it and it fits, but I suspect something else is going on too. I knew something was wrong years ago and started researching online. It seemed like it could be Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but a few months ago I decided to research ADHD, and that fits too. He knows I've been reading about this and has no problem admitting this about himself. The problem is he's extremely intelligent and has used his intelligence to get by in life, 'tho I don't think it's helped him much in his personal life. He retired from the Air Force a few years ago at the rank of Colonel. He's used to being the boss.
He accused me several times of having a personality disorder and being bipolar. My counselor was astounded that my husband said this. I took a personality test just prove that it isn't true. Sigh...my counselor retired in January.
I've told him many times how I feel about what's going on around the house, that I don't living in this house, the way it is. He told me he doesn't like to be told what to do. Nothing changed for a long time, but during the last couple of weeks I've seen him so some small things around here. He actually cleaned up around the dining room table. We can now walk around it. He's doing a little to make sure the dishes are washed or least put away. Talking to him won't work because he'll get angry, spin, confabulate, and blame it on me. Sometimes he accuses me of trying to start a fight. He tells me what to do and how to do it, but I'm trying not to let him get away with that much now.
I know that legally it's my home too, but it isn't treated like it is. He doesn't have much respect for my personal property, almost like it belongs to him.
I could go on and on, but I'm tired. Thanks for reminding me it's my house too. I think the problem is that he bought it with his second wife, not me. He never got around to putting my name on the deed after we got married. I think he's afraid I'm going to try to rip him off, which isn't possible. I'm going to the mental health center tomorrow. I hope I can get the support I need from them.
Piles
Submitted by Nettie on
Definite sign of ADHD, which I have. I manage them by structuring their environment. Think of your house as a group of ecosystems. Some pile ecosystems are okay (in my house, my "next five books to read" pile near the sofa), while others need to be anchored to a support structure as do vines (my other three dozen "books to read" go on a specially designated shelf). Half of my desk is a pile environment ("bills paid"), but the middle is religiously kept clear (an effective "work ecosystem"), and there is a "bills paid" box ecosystem which I feed when the bills paid pile starts moving toward the floor.
In terms of working with a spouse, what may work for you is a division of territory. My husband nurtures his pile gardens in other environments like the basement (his are more toxic - old microwaves for physics experiments, etc.). Piles can be overwhelming, and for the addie, even more so since it's so hard starting the weeding and then not being distracted by the fruits found during one's efforts.
It's going to take some light-hearted negotiating. Fortunately, your spouse has some mad-action skills from his military training. Maybe you can extend the ecosystem analogy to a military theater :)
In my house
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
In my house we contain piles to attractive wicker baskets placed strategically around the house. When a basket is full, it is time to put on a favorite old movie and sort through it together.
ecosystems
Submitted by metooo on
I like your analogy of ecosystems, Nettie. I'm not the world's greatest housekeeper so I don't require a perfect house, the problem is getting him started on it. I've almost given up on it. It seems like he sees the house as being his world, and he's the boss, so this is the way it's going to be, take it or leave it. Someone mentioned that nons tend to treat their add spouse as a child. It's the other way around in my case. We just had another spat because of the way I threw something away...he jumped on me for it....when he puts garbage in small plastic bags instead of the trash can and leaves them on top of the dog cage. I've mentioned I don't like this and it doesn't make sense, but it doesn't change. I'd love to talk to you, Nettie and other adders to find out what is add and what isn't. I'm about at my wits end.
Your idea is good Mis Behaven too, but alot of the mess in my house is big boxes.
Our stove died too
Submitted by Sueann on
Our house's wiring is weird (if you use the toaster or deep fryer or electric frying pan at the same time as the stove, all the fuses blow) but it's not our house. It happened last night and we can't get the stove back on. Stove is ours and house isn't. We don't know whether the wiring is bad or the stove is bad. Can't call landlord as they don't know about our cats. Also don't know that two serious clutter-bugs live here. Any ideas?
Where is the dog cage vs the
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
Where is the dog cage vs the garbage can? Is the dog cage easier to get to than the garbage can? Both my son and my hubby will leave things laying around if they can't easily get to where it belongs. I even took the doors off the linen closet for this reason. The laundry hamper is right beside the bedside table, hubby almost steps in it to get in and out of bed but its the only way to get him to use the darned thing.
Many ADDers have hoarding issues. Because we struggle with telling what is important and what is not. My mother keeps everything and hates it if you throw away her "treasures" when I was young and living at home I'd break stuff behond her back just so she'd throw it away.
Another thing my mom does is keep everything in plain sight. On counters and tables and not in cupboards. Out of sight out of mind for ADDers. I lable most things in the house and have taken doors off or replaced with glass doors you can see through.
I put my foot down with the baskets, they have to be gone through and sorted. One at a time. No matter what. And not into other baskets!
hoarding
Submitted by metooo on
The dog cage is about two feet from the garbage can. We talked about this briefly a couple days ago but he's still putting garbage on top of the cage. Yesterday was a pretty bad day. He was at the bar until about 10:00 last night.
I was wondering about hoarding. His ADHD son is a hoarder and it popped into my head that he may be too. He has more than enough of anything he needs....clothes, watches, food which goes to waste, etc, etc.
It gets ugly if I tell him how I feel about all this. Saying nothing and staying away from him sometimes has an impact, but I still can't tell him in detail what is going on, without him telling me I'm the one being defensive or at fault. Then I get confusing. Classic crazymaking.
Can you move the dog cage or
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
Can you move the dog cage or put something on top of it so that he cannot put garbage onto it? Just to help him break the habit?
If it was my hubby, every time he put a garbage bag on the dog cage I would bring it to him and ask him to put it where it belongs.
Territories
Submitted by Nettie on
Sounds like you've got to do some serious negotiating about your home; it's your space, too.
The territorialness, hoarding, irritability, etc. may result from being out of control in other areas. Sometimes, we've got to have our own space we control since there is so much we don't. Or it's the opposite; he's likes being in control at work and extends the practice to his home space. Again though, you also deserve a comfort zone, so you need to negotiate this feature of your marriage.
Concerning hoarding, I'm just the opposite. Stuff distracts me, so I want to get rid of it, while my husband hates the thought of buying something we might have saved and is a huge hoarder. To me, the peace of a clear space is worth the 1.99 I may spend to buy an item I gave away. His hoarding seems related to his upbringing, when money was tight, and his AS, which includes a tendency to value and collect parts (he saves every bit of metal he finds). It drives me crazy, but now that I understand the reasons, I deal with it better and have assigned him a space for his parts (including lots of labeled boxes).
I think its a 50/50 split if
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
I think its a 50/50 split if an ADDer will hoard or not. It seems many of ADDers I know will keep everything and keep everything in plain sight (piles on the counter) My mom and my hubby are good examples of this.
I am more like you, things distract me and even annoy me. I like to have very little "stuff" around the house.
Reply to "The state of my house"
Submitted by kitkatw1234 on
Dear metooo,
I wish you lots of luck. I have been married for 4 years to a person with ADD. He is currently living in my house. Well, let me say, it used to feel like my house. Clutter has always driven me nuts my whole life. My husband has so far taken over the garage, the basement, the master bedroom, my dressing room, the spare bedroom, and the mud room (which used to hold coats, shoes, umbrellas). When I say he took over these rooms, I mean you cannot even walk through them due to all of the piles of useless junk and clutter! I will give him this, they are very neat piles! ha ha! I am loosing one room at a time, and it frustrates me to no end. I also feel like I have lost my sense of self...
It has been a constant battle to keep the rest of the rooms in my house halfway organized. When we were dating, the state of his house was a disaster. All the signs were there and I didn't see them. I used to go to his house and TRY to clean and organize it just so I could stand to be there for any length of time. The next time I would go there, it would look like I never did a thing. It turned back into a complete mess! Needless to say, I quit doing that. In fact, I quit going to his house altogether.
He doesn't make out his bills (he can't find them), he doesn't finish projects (I am looking at a big hole in the basement ceiling right now), he spends money like it grows on trees (never saved a dime in his life), he bounces around from this to that (no sense of organization or prioritization), he forgets everything, panics over the easiest task, looses everything (including extremely important documents) he forgets to eat, to comb his hair, to shower, and to shave. I could go on forever and ever... I feel your pain and frustration. I am angry most of the time. That has been the biggest battle for me, and he doesn't understand it at all. I have been in counseling to deal with all of this for the past 3 years. Sometimes it helps me cope and other times I feel even more hopeless and helpless after a therapy session.
I have also tried giving in and giving up. It doesn't work, because if I allow it, I start to feel even MORE buried alive in junk and clutter, which leads to more anger and anxiety. I try to remind myself that you can't change somebody. Still, I find myself nagging alot of the time. It's a tough spot to be in. I used to enjoy cleaning my house. Now, most of my energy goes into dealing with the depression that has taken over my days and nights. Even though he has ADD, I feel I am being disrespected and taken advantage of. I'm thinking you can probably relate.
I am not writing this to make you feel worse. I wish I could give you the answers you are seeking. To tell the truth, I have been reading this blog for 3 years and this is the first time I have responded to any comments. (Your story sounded alot like mine.) I am writing this to let you know that you are not alone. Also, I hope that sharing my story will help myself and others cope with this situation a little better.
kitkatw post
Submitted by tired1 on
I have been living in a world similar to yours for 11+ years. My husband was diagnosed with ADD about 4 years ago and before he was diagnosed I blamed myself for "issues" in our relationship. Therefore I turned into a depressed, anxious, and angry person. I continue to be an depressed, anxious, and angry person and wonder how to overcome these feelings. We are currently working with a couples therapist and he has improved somewhat but I still can't stop thinking about just leaving it all behind me. It is a difficult thing because we have a 10 year old son with ADD and I can't be an example of walking away from your problems!
We don't have clutter issues because it has become my full-time job picking up after my two guys. I also run our household so the bills get paid on time and the trash gets to the curb okay. I am fortunate that my husband holds a steady job with a good income (a workaholic) that allows me to stay home to do these things. But, it gets really old and I feel like I am not "living" because I feel trapped in this situation.
I guess what I am wondering is do you plan to hang on too? I dream about living life in a world that is free from chaos!
Really tired too...
Submitted by kitkatw1234 on
Because of being unemployed for a 1.5 years, I have also been at home taking care of the house. Now, the thought of ever going back to work scares me! I can't imagine what the house would look like if I weren't here to keep some kind of order. My husband is also a work-a-holic, so we do have a steady income. Many times I wonder how he has held the same job for 26 years with ADD. Still, I am grateful that he can.
What do I plan to hang on to? Well, I'm almost 56 years old and have already been through one divorce. I can't imagine going through that horror again and starting over. I totally understand your feelings of being trapped. I love my husband, but because of all the anger, frustration, anxiety, and depression, my feelings for him are slowly declining and becoming numb, which scares me. I am now finding any excuse not to sleep with him. How can a person turn off all of these feelings at the end of the day?
I am not the same person I used to be. Just recently, I reminded him of of this. He says nothing, because he knows what I have been through with him. But, no matter what I confront him with, he says nothing. Our communication is very poor, to say the least. It seems like I do all the talking and he just sits and hangs his head, like a child that is being scolded by his mother.
I try to keep what rooms I have left in my house organized, but I feel resentful that I have to monitor everything, remember everything, write constant notes so he doesn't forget important stuff, put boxes and baskets all over the house for his junk (which fill up quickly), plan and remind him of social obligations, birthdays, holidays, and, yes, even to take vacation days from work! What really bothers me is I have to remind him to take care of his hygiene. I'm shaking my head right now as I am typing this...
I am so grateful for this website. Just knowing that there are other people that are on the same emotional rollercoaster as myself helps me cope with all of this. Although, there are some days that I just can't read one more post because I need to forget that this problem exists, and I don't want to be reminded of what my life has become.
Having so much to share, I appreciate you taking an interest in my post. Wishing you all the best...
Wishing you the best too!
Submitted by tired1 on
I have not worked in 10 years, I finished my bachelor's and master's degree during this time and raised my son. I am ready to work but can't find work and think it is just as well because like you I am afraid of what will happen at home! I too, am not myself. As a matter of fact, I have forgotten who I am, so sad. I am 45 years old by the way.
I too have been divorced before, this is my second marriage. I was what he focused on before we got married and shortly after our wedding he dropped me like a brick! I was busy with school and my son and really never had a true connection with my husband. Like you I am feeling numb and have absolutely no desire for connecting with him sexually. I love him like a brother. Like you, I am so exhausted with the roller coaster ride of the day that being intimate is the last thing I want to do!
I too have to remind, although he has a PDA that he sets alarms in to get tasks done, which is a blessing. We still have a garage and basement we can not walk through, boxes of "stuff" as well as many unfinished projects at home (ones that I can't finish). I can say that I do not have to remind him to take care of his hygiene (sorry!).
Just curious...does your husband get treatment, either meds, therapy or both? Mine does, it makes a little difference but not enough to make things better for me.
I am so glad to read your post! It reminds me that I am not alone in my feelings. Even with a counselor involved it is hard for my husband to see things through my eyes. I appreciate you and thank you for sharing. It is somewhat comforting to know I am not alone...
I think I can say some thing
Submitted by adrianaidan on
I think I can say some thing but later
In reply to tired1
Submitted by kitkatw1234 on
My husband has been on medication since he was a young child. The problem is, I have to remind him to take it. Most times he says he is fine and doesn't need it. When he does take it, he talks incessantly and bounces around all over the house. It's like he is on this weird high. The great thing about it is, when he does take his meds, he actually has conversations with me. They don't make sense alot of the time, but it beats being ignored all day. He doesn't go to therapy. I have certainly asked him to, especially since I have been in therapy for so long. I feel like I shouldn't be the one having to sit in counseling sessions trying to deal with his problems. This has made me very resentful. Also, he has never once asked how my therapy is going. I honestly don't think he wants to know.
I bought my husband a PDA two years ago and he has used it once. What a waste of money! Because he doesn't use his PDA, I have suggested that he should carry a small binder with him to keep reminders on. Most times, his binder sits on his dresser full of empty pages.
Thank you for replying to my post. I really appreciate the input you gave me, and hope to hear back from you, again.
I am not the same person I
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I am not the same person I used to be. Just recently, I reminded him of of this. He says nothing, because he knows what I have been through with him. But, no matter what I confront him with, he says nothing. Our communication is very poor, to say the least. It seems like I do all the talking and he just sits and hangs his head, like a child that is being scolded by his mother.
There is so much in this one paragraph that speaks volumes about why these situations are so difficult that I don't even know where to begin....
We all 'react' to problems in our marriages in individual ways. It is very common in ADD marriages to find anger, that is born from years of frustration and misunderstanding. Maybe toss in a little 'lack of treatment' and you've got a recipe for disaster.
I, too, woke up one crisp fall morning last year and found myself at a place in my life where I didn't even recognize who I was. I had been in counseling for 2 years by this time...and the only thing I had gotten from it was that I was a very angry person. "I didn't used to be this way" I told myself. "It HAS to be my husband and his hurtful behaviors that have made me this way". TWO years I struggled with the idea of being a very angry person, but made ZERO progress because I was still stuck in the "it isn't my fault" zone. Finally, like a ton of bricks, it hit me. IT IS MY FAULT. IT IS MY CHOICE!! It was time for two things to happen. First, I was going to rid myself of the anger that was sucking the life out of me. Second, I was throwing myself into my marriage 100% and if it failed, it failed, but all of the years of me holding back and putting up walls and treating him like he was incapable of having individual thoughts were over. We did not know about the ADD at the time, I had no idea what I was up against. I watched a movie that had a profound affect on the way I felt about marriage in general. Honestly, I had no idea how I would approach making the changes in my marriage, but I knew I had to. Again, not knowing about the ADD I didn't have that diagnosis to 'research'...so it is amazing that any progress was made...maybe even a small miracle...but it was. The movie was Fireproof. I have hesitated to mention this before because it is a Christian based movie and I also recognize that I was at a place in my life then where I really NEEDED and was very open to the idea of bringing God back into my marriage. That aside, it really is a lesson in how to keep loving someone even when they don't 'deserve' it...or aren't reciprocating...simply because they are your spouse, you took vows before God, and because you did love them at some point and that alone warrants one last ditch effort, right? It also shows how changing YOURSELF can bring about change in even the hardest of hearts.
Likewise, I felt like my husband would just hang his head in shame, felt like his mother scolding him...and I HATED it...but again, I chose it. To be honest, knowing now that all he needed from me was unconditional love and acceptance, it makes me feel really guilty for all of the times I berated and spoke to him like this. I don't know which came first, the chicken or the egg...him behaving badly and me treating him like a child...but none-the-less the cycle had to be broken and my reactions to his actions had to change. Period. There is so much shame and self loathing that comes with ADD..to think I added to that makes me feel very sad. I love him, he has always been a good man who battles bad demons...and I made that worse. Even if, God forbid, our marriage does not survive (although things are VERY good between us now), I will still always feel bad for not understanding...and not treating him like a human being created by God...deserving of love.
We dont' like to admit it...because it is so much easier to blame the ADDer..but we are just as much of a part of the problem as they are. We aren't the same, eventually, after we've dealt with these issues...but once you're there..and you realize how much you've changed...you have to ask yourself how you're contributing to the problems. I know I was NOT someone I would want to have lived with all of those years.
years of hurt feelings = anger?
Submitted by Tasla on
I keep wondering about this and coming back to it - controlling my own responses, not being angry and so on. But one of our biggest problems, I feel, isn't my being angry at him (and he doesn't really have anger issues either) but him hurting my feelings, again and again and again. He'll say or do something really inconsiderate or hurtful and it's often compounded by the fact that he knows it's something that will hurt my feelings (from past experience).
As in any relationship, this can be expected to happen every now and then, but it's often on a weekly basis or more. I get so upset, so hurt, that it often takes me a few days to get over it and then just when I'm feeling happy again..BAM.. a new hurt.
Maybe I just haven't mastered enough control over my emotions, but while I can (mostly) control angry reactions and the things I say, I don't feel that I have control over being hurt. Unfortunately I have a very good memory, so every time he hurts me (and often in between too) all the memories of past hurts come rushing back, and it just feels like he doesn't want me to be happy or feel good, because if he did then why would he keep hurting me.
He does apologize afterwards, often finding some way to mitigate what he said or smoothing it out in some way, but that doesn't unring the bell. The hurt is still inside me and I don't know how to not feel hurt. Not to mention that a few days of the week have turned unproductive and unhappy going through all this.
So I'm wondering, when you and others talk of anger and getting rid of the anger, is that what happens after years of hurt feelings? Does the hurt just harden into anger and frustration? Because I generally don't feel angry (except maybe for a few minutes when he does/says something that could warrant anger), I just feel hurt a lot of the time. If I can't expect him to stop hurting me, how can I change my perception or my reactions so that I don't get hurt so much? (really though, I just want him to stop hurting me, so if you have advice for that I'd love that too)
Would it be too personal to
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Would it be too personal to ask how he hurts your feelings? Through actions or words?
Both, I guess
Submitted by Tasla on
I know some of it is me being ultrasensitive (however, he knows I am so I would like him to consider that). My feelings are hurt when he comes home much later than he said (even if I call to remind him) because that feels like he doesn't want to spend time with me. Also when he stays on the computer for hours and doesn't look up when I try to communicate with him.
He also has fairly high ... standards I guess (for lack of a better word) in the way he wants me to look (or wishes I looked). He doesn't come out and call me a fat bi**h but he has said that he wishes I were thinner, that my breasts were perkier (he likes it fine that they are big though) and so on. That really burns and makes it hard for me to be intimate with him, since I wonder if he's criticizing my looks in his mind.
Yesterday it started snowing and it was so beautiful and I was looking out the window thrilled about it. He reluctantly joined me when I asked him to (not because I expected him to be thrilled about the snow too, but because I wanted to hold him and watch the snow fall at the same time) and then after a few minutes proceeded to tell me that he just dreads the holidays rather than look forward to them (like I do) and that "this and that" we do to celebrate just feel like chores to him. (note: he is not one of those people who grew up with a hard time during the holidays and the past holidays we spent together he has been happy enough, though not excited like me - but I don't expect him to be). The holidays are my favorite time of the year, my birthday falls at the same time and I always do a lot to plan for both. I expect very minimal input from him (since he's not as excited about it) but he certainly seems to enjoy the cookies I bake, the presents I buy and so on. So this was like being slapped with a cold rag - essentially felt like him telling me that what I do to prepare for the holidays means nothing and he just hates spending them with me. He backtracked later last night and said that he basically felt jealous that I could be so happy over simple things, like a little snow, and that he wished he felt that way too. I don't get why he needed to poop all over my holiday celebration instead of just telling me that, but I'm still really hurt. ok gotta go, unfortunately I could go on otherwise...
It could be that he is
Submitted by SherriW13 on
It could be that he is picking you apart (commenting on your physical appearance, poo-pooing your holiday ideas) because of the way he feels about himself. I know when my husband is feeling particularly insecure about something he will 'pick' at me too. Never about my appearance, he is VERY complimentary even though I'm not thin with perky boobs, but maybe about my cooking...or the way I did or said something...things I got/didn't get at the grocery store, etc. I truly do feel those things are more about him needing to 'lash' out (even if not with direct anger) than anything personal against you. It feels personal, it is aimed directly at you...but it probably isn't. The only adivce I can give is to be direct with him, making as little of an issue of it as possible, but letting him know "it really hurts my feelings when I get excited about the holidays and you respond with negative comments" and when he apologizes say to him "that really means a lot, I appreciate that. I want us all to have a wonderful holiday season. I would love suggestions and ideas from you, if you have anything you'd like to do" and just make a big deal of it when you feel he is at least TRYING to acknowledge that he hurt your feelings.
Also, be honest with him about how it makes you feel when he is critcal of your body and how it affects your self image when in the bedroom. Instead of saying "I hate it when you..." say "It really is hard for me to be what I want to be for you in the bedroom when I feel like you are judging my body/looks". It hard to communicate when it deals with feelings...feelings that you have because of their words or actions...but you need to be honest with him or he can't possibly know what he needs to change.
Are you guys in counseling?
No counseling
Submitted by Tasla on
No, we live in a small place, counseling is expensive and few if any are ADD experts so I don't really see the point. He did go to a psychiatrist to try meds for ADD, but none of them worked and the guy was not a specialist in ADD so he really couldn't help much. I've tried counseling for myself a few times and don't really believe in it. Sure didn't work for me at least.
I think I have been honest with him about how he hurts my feelings. That in fact is what hurts me even more when he does/says something over and over again. I've already explained to him how it makes me feel, I cry, I'm down for days and still he will do it again. Unfortunately I haven't been able to "make as little of an issue as possible" (or maybe I do, it's just not possible for it to be smaller), because I always break down and cry and am distraught for days. I am going to ask him to read what you wrote and see what he says about the insecurity thing. Thanks a lot for being there.
For me, the 'point' of
Submitted by SherriW13 on
For me, the 'point' of counseling was that we were doing HORRIBLY on our own for so many years that I was certain we'd never get to where we wanted to be without help. We weren't managing to create a happy, healthy relationship on our own...so for us outside help was crucial. Also, since I feel his ADD behavior (and my horrible reaction to it) resulted in his affair, I needed to have some sort of peace of mind about that situation and try and do everything possible to prevent it from happening again. NO way I was putting that much faith in either of us.
In order for him to stop the things he's doing that hurt you he will have to acknowledge that it is hurtful to you and own up to and be accountable for his actions and then he will have to figure out why he is doing them and make every effort to stop. Especially the comments that are critical of how you look. ADD or not, that is a very cruel thing to do to anyone and he needs to figure out what is wrong with HIM that would make him think it is OK to put you down for the way you look. He should love you unconditionally..just like he probably wants to be loved by you.
We struggle to make the bills and make ends meet constantly...but we still pay out of pocket every 2 weeks for counseling (set it up to go on paydays so we will KNOW we have the money) because our marriage not working out isn't an option for either of us...and because now that we know he has ADD, we know that some things ARE out of his control, but can be brought under control with behavioral therapy and meds. I am not saying you won't see changes without counseling...I believe everyone with ADD has it in them to take responsibility for their actions and change what they know is hurtful...given the right motivation...but it might be something you consider eventually..before too many 'rings of the bell' and it's too late.
Working through the hurt
Submitted by Tasla on
Just wanted to give you an update (in case anyone was reading this and wanted to now what next):
We are in a good place over the past few days. He managed to get through to me through the hurt and I was able to forgive him. I am a bit scared though, this is probably the longest I've held on to hurt feelings after a "fight" (in quotations since we don't really fight, rather he hurts my feelings and I can't let it go). I can't help but wonder if that means that each time it will be worse and worse or if it being this bad means we'll learn from it and try to prevent it in the future.
Our love life really picked up, we had the most intimate encounter in a long time and have been happy as clams for a few days. This happens regularly, I just want to figure out how to hold on to the happy for longer and not get into a few weeks of spiraling down, which is what seems to happen regularly. He is bustling about, doing housework without my asking, hugging me out of the blue, sending me winks and kisses and so forth. I eat it up, love it and want it to always (or at least most of the time) be like that.
Is it possible?
minimizing the bad
Submitted by fuzzylogic72 on
That's a great question. I found myself in EXACTLY the same situation over the past month. I would hang on to those good vibes and try to prolong it, but then i'd say,do,think,feel the wrong thing, or in a manner she didn't approve of, and bang; back into a 3-4 day spiral of both people being hurt, misunderstood, and distant. Each time I would do whatever it took to bring back the good feelings, whether it be change the way I communicate, cut drinking down, stop saying jealous things, I mean I would do anything it took. What I noticed as time went on was that the MORE that it was me monitoring my words and actions, doing more things for her, acknowledging my part in all the breakdowns/obstacles in our relationship, the LESS she tried. I began to notice a few things. You said, "I just want to figure out how to hold on to the happy for longer and not get into a few weeks of spiraling down, which is what seems to happen regularly". Other than noticing it was becoming the unspoken expectation for me to be the one to make amends no matter what, I also noticed that those happy-clam days in between became fewer, of shorter duration, and seemed to require more of a one-sided effort to maintain. Also, I noticed that whenever we did try to talk through the darker times, the conversation always seemed to be railroaded into a lecture about everything that's wrong with me, and what I need to do for her to be happy... very very rarely would she take any kind of accountability for any of our disagreements. I mean, not just not saying it, but truly not even thinking she ever played any part in our problems. And back to your quote again, I noticed that not only were the clam-happy moments becoming less frequent, and not lasting as long, the spiraling down parts spiraled further, faster and harder, with less justification (or 'reason', or 'trigger') required to initiate that spiral. Towards the end (today), it felt like I'd go from one or two days of walking on clouds, to walking on eggshells until I could prove myself to be worthy again. And the expectations (of what I should do/say) would rise after each conflict. Eventually a part of me (deep inside) gave up on the hope of being truly respected, accepted and loved for the person I am, and am trying to become. I have come to the conclusion that some people have such a strong ingrained sense of entitlement, that you can please them in the short term, but over the long haul nothing will ever be enough for them because in their minds, no matter what they have, they deserve better. But to answer your original question, is it possible to be clam-happy most of the time, and avoid the down-spirals... that was always my single greatest wish with her, but it turned out that that wasn't enough to make it so. If that point comes with to you two (and I hope it doesn't), you will just get that gut-feeling, something will click inside you that says, "this is only going to get worse, not better". Hopefully you heed that voice if it comes and not try to keep patching holes in a sinking ship; or else you'll be the only one on it when it finally goes down. If only I could email this message to myself two months ago.
There, that's my thoughts. Feel better?
I hope my input has given you hope! lol
Well, don't know about hope,
Submitted by Tasla on
Well, don't know about hope, but I'll put on the "speaking-fresh-out-of-breakup" goggles and try to get the take-away message. I do have a tendency to do what your ex did too, I get so wrapped up in my hurt that I forget that I might have hurt him too, or that he might be having a hard time communicating something to me. Like others here have done, I need to be calmer and more accepting and not so quick to take things the way they were said and not the way they were intended. For now at least I'm happy, though. And off to bed ;)
First, sorry to hear that
Submitted by SherriW13 on
First, sorry to hear that things took a left turn today...
Second, it seems that you did exactly what a lot of people do in relationships...out of desperation to stay together, they don't set any boundaries for themselves. You were giving/changing/trying more than your girlfriend and there is only so much of that one person can take, ADD or not, and then the time comes to demand more or move on. I'm sorry your girlfriend wasn't willing to admit her fault or able to see her responsibility for the issues...or at the very least appreciate your strides and efforts to change things that she apparently wasn't happy with. No amount of change will ever be enough, you are right...because it is asking too much to ask someone to change what they inherently are. I cannot change who I inherently am no more than my husband can. He has to accept things about me that aren't 'perfect' and I him. You can change only so much, but without her acceptance that you're human, will stumble sometimes, will struggle sometimes, and will make mistakes sometimes...then you really are better off. It took me quite a while to stop seeing every 'stumble' my husband made as 'the end of the world'. The more I love him inspite of his stumbles, the less he stumbles. That's what it is all about...lifting people up to a level where they WANT to be a better person.
Tasla, I am very happy for you. One thing I always felt like (and sometimes still struggle with as I learn to TRUST what my husband is feeling) was that I was ALWAYS waiting for the other shoe to drop. We fought probably 3 times a week. We went for days without speaking. When we had periods of a day or two where we didn't fight (never to the 'lovely dovey' degree you describe...he was always affectionate and 'nice' when we weren't fighting) I always felt/knew that the next was just around the corner. This thought process itself can choke the marriage. (learning this now...trying to just 'relax' and stop spending every waking second 'trying'...and just enjoy where we are...how far we've come)
Again, I am not sure what resources you've employed since you're not going to do counseling...but real, lasting changes will only come with understanding and acceptance. Understanding of your differences and understanding that communication can sometimes be tedious and require 'walking away' to avoid escalation. Acceptance of your individual contributions to the problems in the marriage and accountability by both of you. I would make it a point to express to him how happy you are...how "wonderful" the day was...and hope that he somehow is motivated to stop making negative comments about you and to you by the 'good' feeling he gets by making you happy.
Just around the corner
Submitted by fuzzylogic72 on
"The more I love him inspite of his stumbles, the less he stumbles. That's what it is all about...lifting people up to a level where they WANT to be a better person."
Thanks for saying that Sherri; it's exactly what I needed to hear.
very similar situations
Submitted by Contractormommy on
Hi kitkat. I visited this site because my frustration with my marriage is full throttle tonight. The clutter and failure-to-complete-projects issues have been major stressors in my 10-year marriage. Three years ago, like an idiot, I agreed to move into an old family house with the intention of remodeling it. (yea, I know) Needless to say, most everything that has been done has been because either I did it, or because my father drove an hour and a half to do it. Not only was my husband ungrateful about it, but he found something wrong with everything my father did. Thank God for my dad, because if it weren't for him, I'd be living in squalor right now. The house still isn't finished, but it's much better than it was.
But what got to me in your post is this:
"I have also tried giving in and giving up. It doesn't work, because if I allow it, I start to feel even MORE buried alive in junk and clutter, which leads to more anger and anxiety. I try to remind myself that you can't change somebody. Still, I find myself nagging alot of the time. It's a tough spot to be in. I used to enjoy cleaning my house. Now, most of my energy goes into dealing with the depression that has taken over my days and nights. Even though he has ADD, I feel I am being disrespected and taken advantage of."
I feel exhausted, and I've gotten to the point in which I am abusing alcohol just so I can be intimate with my husband, because he pouts and makes my life miserable if I don't sleep with him. I've taken things like Mini Thins just to muster up enough energy to do the things I need to do around the house, take care of the kids, etc. I feel like I am being raped, like everything I have to give, and more, is just taken, taken, taken. I have two wonderful children who, thank God, don't seem to have ADHD, and the thought of breaking up my family makes me sick. I honestly don't know what the hell to do anymore.
I feel like my husband has got some sort of either narcissitic or authoritative-defiance disorder. I've never met anyone who so enjoys arguing and making others uncomfortable and angry. I guess when we were dating, I sort of liked it because it brought me out of my shell. I'm a pretty quiet person who doesn't like to draw attention to myself, probably out of insecurity, and he was the guy who encouraged me to open my mouth every once in a while. Now, I just want him to shut the f**k up. (Excuse my language. I'm just really outdone right now.)
The thoughts I sometimes have about him make me wince because I feel evil for even thinking them. Sometimes, I wish he would have an affair so I would feel more justified in leaving. This sounds COMPLETELY insane, I know, but sometimes I wish he would hit me or something, just once, and not enough to hurt me, just so I can have an excuse aside from "It just didn't work out. We're incompatible."
I used to be pretty passionate about things. I used to feel good about myself and feel like I could tackle most anything. I've struggled with depression and anxiety from time to time, so I am always questioning whether I'm the one being unreasonable or blowing things out of proportion because of my condition. I've tried focusing on what I can do. When I'm doing what I'm supposed to, such as exercising, eating right, keeping up with housework and finances daily, staying on top of my kids, etc., things are better. He's happy, because things are running smoothly, and I'm happy as well. However, I'm not perfect, and when I slip, as all humans do, it seems as if everything goes to hell and back. I'm the one who has to set the tone for the household. It's solely on me, and I am just not that strong all the time.
There are lots of things I've just accepted. The fact that he shuts down every once in a while and sleeps for two days straight has become an expected thing. I used to get upset and cry and demand to know what his problem is, but now I just go on with my life and pretend it's not happening. He comes out of it after a while, and we just go on like nothing happened. I've accepted the fact that I'm the only one who does housework. It's killing me at this point, because I feel like my house is ruling my life, but I've somewhat learned to live with an untidy house because it's either that or go completely nuts.
However, there are a few things that I am realizing are important to me, and that I'm not sure I can accept. I don't know how much longer I can politely refuse to go to social functions out of fear that my husband will pick an argument with a friend. Just last month, he got into a huge argument with my best friend of 15 years. Am I willing to lose my friends for my husband? I'm not sure I can do that, and I resent the fact that I even have to think about that. I'm not sure if I'm willing to live in a half-finished house with things all around me that need to be fixed but won't, unless I figure out how to fix them or get someone else to fix them. I'm not sure that I'm OK with having to get drunk just so I can have sex with my husband. What kind of a relationship is that?
Just when I feel that I can't take it anymore, I usually blow up. I can't talk to him because he is a master bullshitter and manipulator when he wants to be, and I get so upset that I can't verbalize my feelings. So, I write a letter, a loooong one, because that's the best way I can express my feelings. And what usually happens is that my husband comes back. We usually sit on the back porch and talk for a long time, and he makes sense. He sounds like a normal person, I get my feelings out, and promises are made. Things get better, and then, you know the rest. Something stressful will happen, like a financial issue, a car breaking down, etc., and he goes into a tailspin. He starts acting like a complete jerk, picking me apart, taking every opportunity to tell me what I'm doing wrong, using nonsensical phrases to get a rise out of me, etc. I honestly feel like either I'm going crazy, or I'm in the Twilight Zone, or that I'm married to a complete lunatic.
I take meds for my depression, and if I don't, I will quickly go into the abyss. There have been weeklong and monthlong periods in which I could describe myself as comfortably suicidal. My beautiful, wonderful kids are what keep me here.
I feel ridiculous saying this after disclosing all of that, but I always try to look at things from his perspective, and that usually helps. I know that he's had a stigma his whole life because of his ADHD. I know that he has abandonment issues. I know that he is a good and caring and very sweet person, because I've seen it firsthand, with both myself and with my kids. While he can lack self control, he does a decent job monitoring himself with our kids. He can be a great father, and he is often very thoughtful when it comes to gifts. He does fun things with my kids that most fathers don't take the time to do. He loves his kids more than life itself. It's when he's being sweet with the kids that I remember why I love him. I have to remind myself of these things because otherwise, I will set my alarm for 3 in the morning, pack up my kids and move in with my mother.
I'm tired of feeling like I have to apologize my husband. I'm tired of everyone saying, "Oh, you must be a saint to put up with him." I'm tired of having to make up excuses for him missing important family events. I'm just plain freaking tired. And I'm not sure what to do. If I didn't have young kids, I'd have picked up and left a long time ago.
Sorry for the long post. I'm just at the end of my rope. Anyway, thanks for sharing. It's nice to know that I'm not alone.
In response to Contractormom
Submitted by kitkatw1234 on
Thank you for sharing with me the fact that you have to drink to be able to feel something for your spouse. I also self medicate with alcohol in order to "be nice" and to feel some sort of "attraction" to my husband at the end of the day. Actually, I started drinking when we first started dating (I never had a drinking problem before this). When we met, it was love at first sight, but over time, I started to feel angry and frustrated and didn't understand why. I had no idea at the time that I was dealing with his ADD. (I actually convinced myself that after we got married everything would change.) To this day, my husband has never said anything about my drinking. I believe he feels responsible. The problem is, sometimes when I drink to kill off the anger and frustration, I can say very hurtful things. This is the part that is NOT me.
My friends and family have always known me for my kind words and generosity. I have always put other peoples feelings before mine (sometimes to a fault). My old self was a giving and forgiving person. I'm not sure where this person (myself) went. I wonder just how many of us try to kill our negative feelings with alcohol or drugs or other self medications. I, like you, have no energy anymore and have lost the passion I used to have for life. I feel drained every day. I isolate myself from others. For a long time, I thought it was my hormones, family stress, or that I needed more vitamins, or the fact that I have been unemployed for so long and can't find work. I have since come to realize it is my body's reaction to feeling hopeless in this situation (depression). I see my future. Sadly, I fear that it will hold more of the same.
Please, don't feel like you have to apologize for telling your story. Your feelings are extremely valid and I'm sure everyone here appreciates your honesty. Actually, reading your post helped me tremendously, today. I appreciate your honesty and I am trying to be truthful, also. I am so tired of candy-coating this situation to the people I know. It is so freeing to finally be able to unload some of my thoughts and feelings, and I hope you can feel the same. There is no shame in what we are going through and we certainly didn't ask for this. In reading through the many posts on this Website, we are certainly not the only people fighting these demons. If anything, I commend you for having the courage to speak out.
Alcohol
Submitted by Tasla on
I don't know that I need it to feel *intimate*, but a couple of beers do make his "quirks" a lot more tolerable, that's for sure. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), where I live alcohol is heavily taxed (a normal beer is about $3 apiece at the liquor store) so I can't really settle into a *nice* drinking problem, it would just be too expensive. But I always have a few on the weekends, basically to reward myself for a hard week of work, and I notice that I feel more tolerant towards him and generally *nicer*. When I'm feeling pissy, he actually asks if he should go out and get me some beer (trying to smooth things over, I guess), but the answer is usually No, since I don't consciously use it to solve the issues, it just so happens that when I drink I feel more forgiving.
"The problem is, sometimes
Submitted by fuzzylogic72 on
"The problem is, sometimes when I drink to kill off the anger and frustration, I can say very hurtful things. This is the part that is NOT me. My friends and family have always known me for my kind words and generosity. I have always put other peoples feelings before mine (sometimes to a fault). My old self was a giving and forgiving person. I'm not sure where this person (myself) went. I wonder just how many of us try to kill our negative feelings with alcohol or drugs or other self medications. I, like you, have no energy anymore and have lost the passion I used to have for life. I feel drained every day. I isolate myself from others. "
Holy crap, did you just read my journal!?? This is exactly where I am.