I need help figuring out how to stay positive and not remark on the negative all the time.
A common example has to do with grocery shopping - about the only chore she still does routinely (often with reminding from me, but still . . . ) Anyway, I make the shopping list, and she often doesn't get what is on the list - or gets way too much of something (e.g. strawberries which we can't possibly eat ibefore they start going bad) or not enough of something (e.g. one bunch of broccoli which won't even last one day). I have asked her several times to buy what's on the list. I usually put quantities as well as items. And I have asked her NOT to get something if it's not on the list. When I say something to her, like - honey, I didn't put strawberries on the list, she'll say - I thought you said we were out of them. This no matter how many times I say to her - if it's not on the list, please don't get it. (Which she always acts as if she is hearing it for the first time.)
So my question is, what do I do/say in these situations? Do I just thank her for going to the store, and then ask her to go again the next day, or go myself the next day, to get what's needed? Is there some way I might get her to do a better job sticking to what's on the list? Nothing I have tried so far seems to work, including being very specific re: brand, size, quantity, etc.
Or when she does the laundry and everything comes out wrinkled because she forgets there are clothes in the dryer, doesn't hear the timer, hears the timer but ignores it, or whatever, do I just thank her for doing the laundry and then iron everything, when if I had done the laundry I wouldn't have had to iron a single item? My solution has been to take on doing the laundry myself, but when my schedule doesn't allow me to do it and she offers to do it for me, I usually say no, rather than ending up with all wrinkled clothes. Once she even promised me she would take the clothes right out of the dryer and when she didn't and I said somethng about the wrinkled clothes, she said there is something wrong with the washer/dryer, so I have not "let" her do my laundry since then.
Or when she tells me she will do something and then does it halfway - like clean up the kitchen after I have cooked a meal (and believe me, there's not much to clean up because I clean up after myself as I go), so that I have to go behind her, do I just say thank you and be glad she did even some of the cleanup, and then just finish cleaning myself, or do I mention that she didn't wipe the stove, put all the dishes into the dishwasher, left some things on the table, etc?
result is not all that matters
Submitted by arwen on
Hoping, one of the things that I've had to remind myself countless times is that the results are not the *only* things that matter in the ADHD equation. Intention, effort, thoughtfulness and other factors also need to be considered. There have been times when my husband had a really good intention, really listened to me, really tried to execute it, really thought about it, but still fell short of the desired result. In these kinds of situations, I've told my husband that I really appreciate his caring, listening, thinking and efforts, that those things are really important to me (which is totally true). My view is that I want to reinforce these things, because that will make him want to do them more, and the more he does them, the better he will do them over time, and the better he does them, the more likely we will be able to achieve the desired results with a little more work. (And in fact this is what has occurred. But it *takes time*. Sometimes you have to build toward the desired results one skill step at a time.)
I don't recommend thanking her for doing the shopping, since it didn't get done correctly -- I think that sends the wrong message. But you should be able to find some element of what she did that deserves appreciation, and thank her for what she did well. If she isn't getting *anything* right about the shopping, focus on just one area to start working on with her, like getting the brands right, or the quantities or some such.
I have a couple of specific thoughts on your post examples, too -- I hope you won't mind if I address them as well. On the grocery shopping -- are you *certain* that your wife actually uses the list you make when she shops? It's hard to believe that she routinely can't get the right products with all that detailed and specific information on the list. My husband does this occasionally (usually as the result of a preconceived idea), but not constantly. Maybe the way you prepare the list is not easy for her to parse -- you could try asking her if there would be a way to format the list so that it works better for her. I should also say that there are many times I put on the list what NOT to buy (e.g. ziploc containers, square NOT round), which helps. And if she's having trouble remembering what you *say* about what not to buy, maybe it would help your spouse not buy items that are not on the list, if you would put on the top of the list "DON'T BUY ANYTHING THAT ISN'T ON THIS LIST!!!" in big red letters [maybe softened by bracketing with little red hearts ;-)] I've done this in the past and it helped my husband.
Regarding the laundry -- I think there's a simpler solution. If the clothes are wrinkled, all you need to do is throw in a damp towel and run the dryer for 5 minutes -- this will take out most of the wrinkles. It works even better if you spray the towel with that Downy anti-wrinkle stuff. This way you can thank her for *washing* the clothes with only a minor additional burden on yourself.
Regarding getting jobs half done -- again, I think it's reasonable to thank her for what she *has* done. Then I would ask when did she plan to do the rest? This approach avoids direct criticism and give her implied credit for wanting and intending to do the whole job, but still keeps the responsibility on her for finishing it.
Hope this helps!
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore
Staying positive
Submitted by Clarity on
is something I find very challenging as it requires a constant mental effort. I try to not let ADD take center stage in my life. Really, it's his ADD but it can seem like the biggest thing in my life! His inability to focus puts a big spotlight on the ADD behavior and then I focus on thinking about his behaviors or circumstances over and over again and again as if I could make some sense of it! I've learned to prioritize what is really important and if it's not in the top three, whatever! When I catch myself ruminating, I counteract with prayer, music or some other indulgence that improves the quality of my life. I have to be sure that his ADD is not the focus of my life and it can take a lot of effort. Not very happy go lucky me....
BTW, my husband can't follow a list either but hey! really good laundry tip!