Submitted by Lost But Moving Om on 05/28/2018.
My marriage is over and still mid-divorce (very nasty and over a year later). Admittedly, I’ve self-diagnosed my ex as ADHD based on research after we separated. I recently found this website and see many identical themes and similarities in my defunct marriage. I only wish I had known these facts before the “D” as perhaps we could have resolved some major issues in the relationship: distrust built from habitual lies, anger and resentment mounted from the overburden of responsibilities and always feeling like a “caged animal”. I am sad, very sad, as I love my h but can’t help him any more. Looking for non-ADHD spouses to provide guidance on rebuilding life without an ADHD spouse since it’s all I’ve ever known . . .
Where to turn....
Submitted by c ur self on
I would suggest you get to know yourself....Some times coming out of a bad marriage you have been forced to deal with so much dysfunction on a daily bases, you forget what peaceful and normal even is...Walking on egg shells, being over burdened, and negative emotions can haunt us, even after we get free from it...
Take time to breathe, think, and pray (if you are a prayer)...Get to know the relaxed you, and find peace with that...
Friends and support groups can also be a good source of fellowship...Choose new friends wisely, especially those you might make plans with...If they are clingy instead of stable and responsible...If they are needy instead of mature and content...I suggest staying away...You've been down that road, and I know you don't want back on it, with just a new address.....
There are some lady posters here, who have gone through what you are dealing with...If they see this, they can be helpful....
Best wishes going forward...
c
Thanks C for your empathy and
Submitted by Lost But Moving Om on
Thanks C for your empathy and suggestions. Although I am not religious I do find myself spiritual and drifting to prayers driven for my family and support. The pain just continues to mount for a lost partner that I believed was forever and question why and how. This website is fulfilling more so of the how but the why remains. I will not waiver from the spirit though regardless . . . .
I will seek the woman's posts as you have pointed out, thanks!!!
Unfortunately there is no guarantee...
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
Hi Lost,
If you've read anything of mine here you will know that I came to suspect ADHD after my relationship of 5 years ended in a terrible, hurtful manner.
I had a real moral dilemma when I figured it out. I thought... should I tell him? Even after all the cruel things he said and did? Do I have an obligation? Etc, etc... Ultimately I decided not to contact him, and instead I told his son and DIL that I thought ADHD was the culprit. Since they are family, they could pass it along if they felt they should.
After a lot of thought, conversations here and long talks with friends.. I've come to realize that he probably would not have listened to me anyway. He was extremely oppositional and tended to blame his problems on anything and anyone else, or else he would just wave his hand and dismiss things as no big deal. I spent five years trying to get him to see the issues in his life and address the pain it was causing in our relationship and he refused, so it is likely he would have just repeated the same behavior, yet again.
Sometimes a person just has to go figure it out on their own, I guess. Or not... considering he is still off doing a whole lot of nothing about any of it. Heh.
It's been almost two years for me since we split and I have been on a couple of dates but that's about it. My standards as to what I will and won't allow in my life are much different now. The first sign of half-truths, manipulation, statements designed to provoke or any other questionable behavior.... even via a text message, and I'm out. I might ask one or two questions to get clarification but if it doesn't sit well... forget it.
At times I"m still sad and heartbroken too, but I try to spend as much time as possible with friends, get massages, clean my house, read, play with makeup, paint my nails, go to the gym, take walks, go to a coffee shop and people watch, go see live music, join groups on Meetup.com so I can get out of the house and meet new people... and I also watch a couple of self help / recovery channels on YouTube. I have a therapist I see now and again, but on a daily basis they help me remember my worth.
I also journal a bit. Everything from quotes that resonated with me, to thoughts about what happened, to writing down all the reasons why I don't want that kind of stuff in my life ever again, and what I DO want instead... It has helped me sort out my thoughts and feelings, without wearing down my friends too much, too.
I hope that's helpful. (hug)
Thanks CaliforniaGirl - I
Submitted by Lost But Moving Om on
Thanks CaliforniaGirl - I feel like we've shared very similar thoughts, activities and approaches to recovery. My son also has ADHD and I grow increasingly concerned for him as well . . . .
I knew my words were not going to be accepted so I reached out to my MIL begging for help, more so asking her to do her own research and get back to me. I never heard from her again, even more salt in the wound considering how close I was to her for the past 20+ years. My life has been erased around me and every day I encounter a new approach to attempts my H does to do just that. I won't allow this to happen but every corner I turn I am faced with the continuing attempts: he's taken my home, furniture, money and our friends. Yet, I still can't forget when it was great and forever.
Just knowing isn't enough
Submitted by adhd32 on
Just knowing, or suspecting ADD is the problem isn't going to change a thing. Although your reaction plays a role HE is the one who has to embrace his condition and work on himself. Life with someone with untreated ADD is an exercise in futility. You cannot change someone else just because you change your reaction. Lasting change will only come from him! My experience, even after tempering my reactions and bending myself into someone I no longer know has not elicited any meaningful change. This is not your fault because you reacted a certain way. Sometimes you just NEED a partner to step up and grab the heavy end, instead of everything being on you.
Get to know yourself now that you can focus on your life. Reconnect with friendships that slipped a bit. Get involved in things that interest you, things that you may not have tried because you were deferring to him. Focus on you .What do you want. Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? Once you really know yourself and your goals, decisions about your life will be easier since either something fits your goals or it doesn't.
No truer statement have I read adhd32...
Submitted by c ur self on
(Just knowing, or suspecting ADD is the problem isn't going to change a thing. Although your reaction plays a role HE is the one who has to embrace his condition and work on himself.)
So much pain, fussing and fighting could have been avoided over the last 10 years of my life...If I could have directed my own actions based on the truth of your statement....
c
Wow
Submitted by Lbj on
Thanks that really helped me too.@adhd32
The exact words I needed to hear
Submitted by Goldilox73 on
Wow, ADHD32, you hit the nail on the head for me. That living with someone who has untreated ADHD is an exercise in futility. Couldn’t have stated it better. And that changing my reaction will not change his behavior...that is all on him. SO true. It amazes me how common the themes are in these marriages/relationships. I thought just having my H diagnosed would be the end of our problems. Instead, I realized he is not willing to participate in repairing things. He remains stuck on “trying harder” (which works SO well). He won’t take meds to “poison” his body and instead of doing what it takes to curb his anger toward me, he says I should change my reaction to him! What a mess. :(
Concessions....Goldilox....
Submitted by c ur self on
He wants concessions....So he wants to not manage his anger...But wants you to curb your reaction....I would tell him, Fine...I'm going to curb it so much it will never be a problem again....That kind of thinking isn't suitable for a life mate....
c
Understand
Submitted by Lbj on
I know how you feel, wanted to fix my boyfriend and felt obligated to do so, however, marriage is different. Only advice I can give is take care of yourself, that means by any means necessary. For example, counseling and prayer. I am praying you make the right decision.