Hey Yall, I'm a non, married 40 years to a non-diagnosed, untreated ADHD that in my view is severe. I've been studying books, reading blogs, lurking around here and learning more and more. Ruling out certain "tries" that aren't effective, observing and attempting to keep my sanity. Sometimes I wonder if I have dementia or alzheimers or is the chaos of a marriage partner with this enough to make you doubt your own sanity or cause the massive stress that gives chronic brain fog? ok I'm rambling sorry. My question here now is this: How do I approach the "naming" of these issues i.e. the areas where responsibility is not being taken without causing him to feel emasculated? I know my frustration and anger and areas of unawareness aren't helpful so I'm asking "how" to present things SO THAT they are received outside the ego of a man's identity to be protective, caring and helping for his mate. He KNOWS he's disorganized but has no idea how much time it takes for me to keep things from going devcon 12...I think I need a script cuz I don't have the knowledge or tools as yet to right this sinking ship. I sometimes wonder if I'm not being gas lighted cuz I forget things, he forgets things, who's is first and wtf is going on? Every day, there is mail in the mailbox. He never touches any of it. IRS notices, tax bills, attorney threats, serious stuff......no plan for making sure its not lost. You should see his side of the dining room table with this weeks input all piled up in between food and meds and dirty dishes. I'm losing my mind folks. If I speak to it, my tone is angry, I AM ANGRY!
Desparate and Exhausted
How to sell getting diagnosed
Submitted by SeekingEquanimity on
It's great that you're educating yourself on ADHD. It took a long while for me to get it. "Driven to Distraction" by Dr. Hallowell was the turning point for me.
Your husband needs to get diagnosed and start therapy. So what I think you're asking is how to sell that to him. What would motivate him? His love for you? Not forgetting things? Not being disorganized?
Don't bring this up out of anger (which I completely understand). Frame it out of your love for him. Keep emphasizing that you love him and want him to feel better.
How to sell getting diagnosed
Submitted by Desparate-Exhausted on
SeekingEquanimity, thanks for reminding me to NOT respond or try to communicate through my anger and so I'm headed in the direction of self-care and figure out how to set boundaries since I have no idea how to do that and THAT is the primary hack here for promoting some level of peace. He has agreed to counseling but flatout has zero interest in learning about this ... I'm going to get counseling first and if it works out to add him to it, that may be where to begin. The therapist says she's an ADHD counselor with experience so we'll see how it goes after my first appt which is next Tuesday. Just having the appointment gives me some level of relief and hope. I appreciate your feedback.
Step back and breathe; you need to consider some things....
Submitted by c ur self on
Time? 40 years....I'm 63 and if your spouse is near my age, and yourself, then this "state of mind, and life style in pretty fixed"....But there is good news!....First you have to understand he doesn't have a problem as for as he is concerned....So there is nothing to fix or change....You on the other hand have very few problems that belong to you...BUT, you have a huge problem, that does not belong to you....
Once you can accept my statement above, only then will you be able to free yourself of a mind that has gotten poisoned by the actions of another adult....You and I have spouse's that we can't trust to care about important things, and we definitely can't trust them to react to important things like we do, and feel everyone should....You have to get this! If you continue to attempt to think for him (what HE should be doing) which is control by the way, you will continue to be angry, and live a most miserable end of your life....Period.....
Here's my suggestion to myself, and to others here...One, since we are in different situations, you must form boundaries that you can put in place on yourself...Boundaries placed on a spouse's aren't much good, unless they agree to honor them...So we must be the one's who make the changes....How do I not allow my wife's living of life to so entangle me...How do I dodge the intrusiveness and still attempt to love her....
Boundaries.....1) I choose to accept her and her life style calmly and quietly without pointing out what she should do, or what I would do...I have to see her day to day living as her right, and I have to respect it or leave...Period....2) I avoid all things that can cause chaos, an arguments....I do not offer advice unless she asks for it...I try to just be a good example of responsibility, without beating her down or making her feel bad...Many adders do carry shame for the chaos they feel is just their own inabilities in life....Try to never make this dynamic worse, show love and encouragement as often as I can....3) Most adder's love language is affirmation (especially women)...Men may be physical tough, words of affirmation are usually important also....3) I do not share things with her that forces us to engage in things that easily cause arguments because of her inability to remember or manage....Finance's...Taxes....I have a boundary on myself about not riding in her car....I do not go places with her when she is likely going to be lost to our relationship because of hyper focus...If I do agree to go, I do not go without a plan to entertain myself alone...The little things that she want handle well (looses or misplaces) like the mail...I get it everyday, I place her mail in a pile on the table where she doesn't have much important mail, (pays her bills on line) if it is important, I lay it on top of the stack....I pay our common bills, and then I have her write me a check for her half after two months...It of course takes a few reminders and two or three weeks to get her to do it....
I have spent many many hours angrily talking to myself about her life style....Then I repent, and then I pray for God to help me to not allow her life to poison my own....It's a day to day process, I've learned to look to Jesus, and not place expectations of my wife, that only cause me to suffer.....You and I and many here are always going to have self-inflicted suffering, if we don't accept our spouses realities, and do what we have to, to not allow their lives, the one's they choose, (that we would never choose for ourselves) to impact us negatively....That only happens when we STOP attempting to control or change another adult....
Be at peace!
c
Step back and breathe
Submitted by Desparate-Exhausted on
Thank you c for your always wise feedback. It has taken me this long to absorb and try to live with the idea that "he doesn't have a problem as for as he is concerned...." which is completely absurd but I'm trying to wrap my head around it nonetheless. And yes about boundaries, yes yes yes - thats where I'm going next. I seem to be paralyzed at the moment but hoping for help through a therapist next week.
I concur with c ur self.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
After 40 years of marriage I'm sure your husband is used to doing things the way that he does them. That said, you cannot change another person as I'm sure you already know. You can't make him go to treatment you can't make him realize how his ADHD behavior is affecting your marriage.
Your best bet is to place firm boundaries and stick to them. And as C recommended, do not engage when there is behavior that would lead you to an argument or you know won't end well.
Concur with c ur self
Submitted by Desparate-Exhausted on
Hi Adele, Thank you. Boundaries yes. do not engage yes. sigh
Hope yr doing better too.
DE