I've been lurking on the forum recently, haven't been posting or commenting too much. But something came to me the other day and I wanted to see what you all thought (Both ADHD and non-ADHDers here):
But for me, I am now fully feeling as though my husband (late ADHD dx earlier last year) is an absolute stranger to me. I couldn't tell you what he likes, dislikes, what his fears are, what his dreams, hopes, plans...nothing. And to be fully honest, he can't really tell mine either because I haven't and CHOSE to not share them. Vunerability breaths intimacy and I won't put myself out there anymore to someone who I don't know and frankly, doesn't treat me with the respect I'd like to have, much less deserve.
(caveat: I will 100% acknowledge this goes both ways. I don't feel respect towards him. I'm not disgusted by him but I don't feel very fond of him)
But as I'm being encouraged (therapy, group support, friends, etc) to find out what I DO want and need and boundaries and all that.... I'm just perplexed and what to do when this realisation has hit. He's a literal stranger to me. I dno't even know if I want to know him anymore. Because he hasn't and won't grow, he doesn't appear to me to even be open to growing or finding out what's wrong in our marriage or even trying to work on something together - this push will have to come from me and frankly, I am too tired and exhasted from what life has thrown us over the last 10 years. And I can honestly say that in the last year, if there was an inkling that he was open to it or just even behaved in a way that I got the impression that he WANTS to be married and be with me, I might be open to taking that push or encouragement.
But as Dr John Delony says... behaviour is a language. I don't care what he's said the last 2 years, it's what he DOES and I don't like it. And don't appreciate it and most of all, incredibly confused as to the type of person he has become. A stranger.
Knowing your partner
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Catterfly just mentioned a book called This Is Where Your Marriage Ends. I got it and just finished reading it and recommend it in my turn. It deals with the mistake often husbands in particular make by not taking their partner's viewpoint into account when making decisions, and then invalidating and judging their partner in their resulting pain. The author is a divorced male journalist. The book also tells that not knowing your spouse intimately - preferences, fears, inner landscape - makes the relationship go downhill, for the same reason - you will inflict pain by not meeting your partner's needs. This erodes trust, and without trust a marriage is over.
This made complete sense to me.
Off the roller, I share your feeling that in the end, I didn't know my husband anymore. And then I had known him intimately, earlier. I also felt he had turned away from me after diagnosis, hiding it out for months or perhaps years which felt like a stupid thing to do since our marriage was on a knife's edge and I knew there wasn't a second to lose in restoring trust and intimacy. I clawed relentlessly at his closed door, until I gave up.
The book above doesn't deal with ADHD, but the powerful universal theme of 'shitty husbanding' (author's words) through unintentional neglect by good persons, who therefore think they must be good partners, which they're not.
I think with ADHD, this theme is valid but complicated by dysfunction and shame in the ADHD partner, and all the resentment and negative reactions in the non. It seems it would make it even more sinister.
By what you write I'm guessing both you and your partner are so hurt you have coiled up to protect yourselves. It's easy to understand and as far as I can tell doesn't mean it's somebody's fault.
But the passivity of ADHD might make this permanent.
Im sorry. Do you think he is willing to do couples counseling? It's the only way out I can think of. If you want to be vulnerable with him again, that is.
Trust
Submitted by J on
Off The Roller,
As I read what you said, my gut reaction immediately went to trust. This is without thinking about it or taking my time to mull over any specifics, without any judgment, just a shooting from the hip gut feeling.
This is a big deal for me and I imagine, for other folks who ADHD. The fact that I come to this forum and share what I share is because I've learned to trust the people I've encountered here. Without that trust, I probably wouldn't do it.
I'm thinking this is probably the first step in the process of becoming intimate and sharing thoughts and feelings with just about anyone?
My two bits, for what it's worth.
J
Some great comments already
Submitted by Catterfly on
Hi Off the Roller,
I would add to the above from my own experience: my husband admitted in couples counselling that he has never really told me his truth about anything. He was a master of figuring out what I wanted to hear and providing that. I think it was a coping mechanism he developed early in life to deal with emotional trauma from his parents.
I always had a sense that something wasn't quite right, but when I pressed him he would stick to his story. So I had to believe it and move on with decisions that had to be made.
This could certainly be a common symptom of ADHD, based on anecdotes from others on this site.
I wonder if a person better than me may have been able to provide him with the psychological safety to tell the truth. But I didn't know enough to realize that I have a part to play in that.
catterfly
ps - Swedish, glad you found the book helpful!
The dishonesty
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Catterfly, I would imagine none of us can create that safety. Especially when we don't get honesty from the ADHD partner, so don't know what we need to know.
Thank you for telling about the book, I found it excellent. I will give it to my sons eventually!