Today for the first time after divorce I had to rescue a situation where my ADD ex-partner had slipped on his responsibilities. Child came to me late Sunday evening. My child was unprepared for the upcoming week's school assignments and lacked necessary equipment. Stress set in since the situation was not entirely beyond repair, but almost.
I saved it, to the cost of rising early Monday after having worked an evening shift, child's disappointment and tears, and having to spend my day off sorting it out. But it was interesting to see what the ADD slip did to me physically.
I immediately had an headache that turned into migraine later in the day. Body knotted up with stress. So upset I had to vent with a friend immediately after child went to school. Hours later I'm still shaken.
It's clear why my GP told me to get out of the marriage at all costs. It literally threatened to destroy me.
When I was still married these rescues happened on an everyday basis and I didn't really notice them all separately. But after four months of rest it's crystal clear what they do to my body. I think this may be true for other non-ADHD partners too. Please show yourselves respect for what you're doing to cover for your ADHD partners. It's a lot.
THIS!!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Swedish, you have articulated this perfectly. Having been divorced 3 years now with sole custody, my ex isn't a large part of my life anymore. However, he does visit our daughter at my place ever week or two. 70% of the time it goes okay, but sometimes he'll pick a fight with her or me for a dopamine hit, space out on his devices so our daughter will come to me upset ("why does he bother coming to see me?"), or break some sort of promise he's made to her. These (and SO much more) were EVERYDAY occurrences for me to navigate in my marriage. My body was in a constant state of stress so I didn't notice the impact of each individual event so much. Now that my life is under control though, I really notice the stress these now-rarer events cause. My heart pounds, my stomach churns, my head hurts. It really validates my very difficult decision to leave. Swedish, I can't believe we lived like that for well over a decade and survived.
On another note, I'm sorry you had to scramble to save the day for your child. You're a supermom.
Dear Melody
Submitted by Swedish coast on
You're right, it's incredible that we survived this slow death. It's also amazing that the full extent of its terrible impact isn't obvious when you're in it.
You and I will probably never have to regret that difficult decision to leave.
I'm so happy you've found a peaceful life for yourself. Only wish your ex wouldn't upset you.
Thanks for being on the forum and sharing your thoughts ❤️
Like a mirror
Submitted by HelpWanted2022 on
Im not sure ive ever seen a post i realate to like this one. I feel like I am solely responsible for my Hs life, social calendar, health, appointments and everything else. its a MASSIVE burden that I think sometimes i forget i have taken on and when he gets into one of his funny moods i have now learned to cope with it in ways my friends and family cannot understand. they dont know how i put up with it or why. i have often said that its just the adhd and its not his fault and to a point i think thats right but that doesnt mean it isnt incredibly hard to cope
Feeling the same
Submitted by Range_Rover_17 on
I know this too well
Submitted by Elliej on
Hi Swedish.
How are you?
I know this too well. Countless things in the last 18months my soon to be ex husband has forgot (school costumes, homework, events, concerts). I now send him a bulleted list to help him. So i still carry the mental load. Its hard. I feel nothing has really changed and question the point of the divorce. He has started to acknowledge the impact he has had on the marriage and cries most times i see him. So i find myself consoling him for something he has done to me, which seems backward. He is very lost and struggling. All therapy has ceased (lasted 4months and "he got nothing out of it").
I can totally relate to your
Submitted by Tired girl on
I can totally relate to your comment about your husband crying after you've been hurt by something he did to make you feel bad. That's a common thing with us. I'll be frustrated, sad lonely etc...... and bring up the issue with him and then suddenly it's all about him and he has a meltdown saying how he can't do anything right, he's not good enough etc...... Then the issue I brought up in the first place gets lost and it's all about him. Lately I don't bring stuff up as much because it just turns into being all about him! It's a vicious and frustrating cycle.
Thank you Elliej
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you for caring. I'm not doing great at the moment but am considering seeking help when Easter is over.
Last I think you wrote the children are with your ex three days a week? Is that still your arrangement?
I'm sorry to hear you have to carry the mental load. I have been trying to quit that with mixed success. Apart from me doing all long-term planning, providing children with clothes, shoes, haircuts, summer camp reservations, ideas for activities, so that he can remain passive in those areas, I try to make my ex solely responsible for the alternate week they spend with him. I've never been to his home and I make some text agreements with him about the children (like not letting them take cell phones to bed at night), but do nothing to moderate his life. In a way I also want the children to see what is my doing, and what is his. But as you say, it's hard to stand and watch an important math test be forgotten when grades are crucial for next year's high school entry.
My ex is high-functioning intellectually and he can pull himself together when he needs to, apparently. Now I think it's important to him to prove himself as a fully functional parent. As the months go on, I have a sense he might not keep it up entirely.
I also feel bad about the comfort you need to provide for your ex. I used to do that after my husband's rage episodes. He felt guilty and cried, I had to brush aside my own hurt and console him.
Do you think it's possible for you to withdraw more from him? Divorce comes at a high cost so we must really benefit from it too. We shouldn't have to continually mop up their messes or remind them of everything? Our minds should be freed so we can use it for our own benefit?
One good thing here is that school and children's activities have platforms and apps to remind parents of their obligations. My ex receives exactly the same information as me. So all those things are off my duty-list when children are with him.
Dear Elliej, divorce is so hard. I hope for you to pursue what's interesting and enjoyable for you. Maybe in a few month's time we'll be doing better.