Gosh. This is a quote from Melissa Orlov, taken from another thread on this forum:
. . . . . . .you are better able to respond to her when she is at her wit's end...but from her perspective, that is likely too little, too late. No one loves being in a relationship where you get the best from a partner when you've had it. The road back, in that instance, is long. . . . . . .
I can understand it. I live it. I am on that long road. It is a rough road. My relationship dynamics are in dismal repair. It is all very difficult to accept, probably because it is just hard for Liz to define exactly what it is that needs to be accepted.
I know there is a disconnect. Exactly what it is. . . .well, it is elusive. Old patterns of behavior - - -even though they seem to get through . . .are hurtful, and old, and tiring. New patterns have proven to be hurtful. I am tired of feeling hurt. Even more, I am 'so over' causing hurt. I know lots and lots of things that do not work. I have tried new ways of communicating, that truly had the appearance of being the solution, yet they failed dismally and the repercussions were too intense to repeat. Too intense. Very intense.
My goal is be at peace. My goal is to have joy. My goal has never been: pushing a great man to the edge of a cliff. Yet, the actions and choices and steps I have chosen, have concluded with such disasters. The choices were well intentioned. The choices were suggested/directed by others. In the end, the efforts failed to accomplish the desired result . . . . . we both crashed and burned.
Thus, I continue on Liz's journey, by attending college, focusing on me and my actions, and, well, just going forth. I am student teaching this summer. Yep, a 56 year old women, jump starting her first career. . . .and really, really lovin' it!!!!!
My focus has to keep being redirected - to work towards my joy.
The God's honest truth, in the deepest pit of my soul, is an abiding pain that persists. I have not been able to bring about the relationship changes I so desire, for both of us. I truly understand my efforts alone will not do it. His efforts have been great.
One day at a time. It is all I can do.
I am not a victim in all this. I am not stuck. I do know one thing for sure. . . . .hurtful, angry relationship dynamics are a thing I choose to walk away from, at a very quick pace.
Very truly,
Liz
P.S. I apologize for the edit, edit, edit. . . . . .it was necessary to clarify my thought. :)
Thank you for sharing
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Dear I'm so exhausted,
Thank you for sharing. I am so happy for you, going to college and starting a new career. I hope it brings you much satisfaction and is a positive outlet for you. I'm proud of you. I have been doing corporate training for years. I've decided to go back to school and get back in the classroom to teach college....but it means I'm back in school myself now! I haven't been in a classroom as a student in well, a little while! I'm tired right now with work and school but it has allowed me to take some of the focus away from the relationship dynamics and in that respect, has been very healthy. I hope your college experiences have also allowed you to focus on joy and personal achievement.
I also, have researched and tried new manners of communication to no avail. We've both tried, but the communication chasm is so great... and then I wonder.... the rest of the world seems to understand me and what I'm saying :(
LOL... even students understand me!
From June 26th to July 28th
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
vabeachgal,
I am on my last day of student teaching for this summer. It has been a wonderful experience. I think it will take me a bit more time to get used to being with children in an educational/corporate style environment. So much to learn about allowing these little people to be independent. No running to calm and cuddle!!
I have kept my own emotional being very well guarded over the past few weeks. Not too many weeks after this post, my brother's brother-in-law took his own life.
It was a huge emotional explosion in my own brain. All the learning and trying to get a grip on my place in my relationship, my responsibilities, what I can control and what is not any of my business, watching my spouse deal with things. . . . .oiy. What hit me was how so close to home this impacted me. My brother and his wife's family are literally living my own nightmare. I had seen my spouse get so sad, he said things that caused me to have concern for his well being, that I was fearful he would do something drastic that would be a final drastic solution to a temporary life situation.
This was my own stuff - anxiety - and I was not able to convey this to anyone so they could understand. "If your spouse did do something, it would not b your fault." was not comforting at all. While it is the truth, it was not a comfort.
I was not even sure how to be a comfort to my sister-in-law as my own emotions were just going crazy. This death was not about me and my stuff - AT ALL - and yet I felt I was on the end of my last nerve. I just kept my fears to my self. I just did not realized that those fears were building in such intensity. It is odd how another family's tragedy brought my own issue to fully into the open for me.
So, I now know in retrospect, it has been a very harsh road to travel. As I have been since I found this forum, I am just at a loss.
I also understand so very intensely that communication chasm. It is confounding.
My college experience is great. I have so much joy.
I continue to fight feeling like a failure when I just can't find the way/answer/right road/ help/ in bringing for relationship change.
My elusive dream. . . . .
With sincerity,
Liz
Goodness Liz - sounds like
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Goodness Liz - sounds like you have alot on your plate right now. I wish I had some words that would comfort you... other than "this too shall pass" which I know seems trite when you are bracing the storm.
I do understand what you mean though, how a tragedy so close to home can really open up serious fears and cause major introspection. I think because my H's sister took her own life, its always in my mind on his state of being. And you are not kidding - its very hard to accept that we cannot reach our spouses when they do not want to be reached. Its hard to stuff those fears deep inside, or put them away just to keep moving forward but you have to. Its hard to throw out the life lines over and over and have them turn away from them - us knowing if they just took the step to grab them things would be ok. Its scary, and I just want to validate your feelings there.
Just because we have to walk away to preserve our own souls doesn't mean we do not care deeply about our ADHD spouses.
Chin Up
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I am truly sorry you have so much to deal with right now. It's a lot to process at one time. You're right. Oftentimes we can understand intellectually that something is not our problem, our business or our fault but it still feels that way emotionally. It's very difficult not to personalize relationship failures, whatever the cause.