Hey, I'm new to this forum so I wanted to say it's good to meet you all. Hopefully I can find some advice from smarter people and give some to others in return.
A little background about me: I am a 30 year old female married to a diagnosed but untreated ADHD posterboy who I love more than anything in the world. I'm not here to complain or fish for reasons to leave him by any means. At the same time, I am in what seems to be the common place of exhaustion, exacpiration, old hurts,and cluelessness about what to do to resolve things and make life easier for both of us.
I'm currently about seven months pregnant with our first child, working full time in a low-income job but going to school remotely full time as well to finish my bachelor's degree. For about a solid year now I have been essentially burning the candle at both ends to keep our lives together despite barely making ends meet. My husband is a good man and he wants to help but struggles to keep a job due to a combo of health issues (bad enough to inhibit his ability to work but not bad enough for disability) and his mental health, including pronounced ADHD, panic attacks and depression. I have been the front line in trying my a$$ off to support him in his struggles there and doing whatever I can to try to facilitate him getting treatment for both his physical and mental health.
Unfortunately, that is a struggle too. I can make all the appointments in the world for him, write them on a calendar and a whiteboard and put them in his phone, but 8/10 times he will still forget and miss it. He has managed to get on antidepressants and meds for his severe asthma but that has taken nearly a year to accomplish. I've tried to get him in to a psych but he's missed that three times now.
We also struggle with communication issues that again, seem pretty common here. I often feel overwhelmed and sometimes get bitter about feeling like I have to do everything myself. I bottle it up until I snap- that's on me and I'm trying to work on it. I struggle with severe anxiety and depression as well so it's easy for me to get stressed out and feel ignored/unheard/alone/not cared about even though it might not be true. His hyperfocusing on hobbies, emotional breakdowns, empty promises, irresponsibility, and not noticing how much pain I'm in cuts like a knife sometimes even though my brain knows none of that is deliberately done to hurt me.
I've exhausted the meager public resources for everything in our area and don't have any family or friends who can do anything to help. In addition, I'm a hormonal mess and in constant pain due to being pregnant and taking on the world out of necessity. I live in financial fear.and am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Today, my husband mentioned that he might want to look for another job when he just started his current job last week due to the physical demands it places on him... I'm panicking inside already. He also just told me yesterday that he was suicidal for over a month last summer and lied to me about it the entire time. I know it was a long time ago but my brain still won't shut up about it. He is still struggling with his depression and his ADHD makes him feel useless - it's a vicious cycle.
Do I even need to mention the dishes piling up or the state of the house? Ha, ha....
I don't mean to be such a huge downer but this is a last resort. What can I do to help him with his ADHD symptoms, improve our communication, and keep myself from going insane with stress? Thanks for reading.
Nothing you need to hear, will be wanted.....
Submitted by c ur self on
You are your own worst enemy...This stepping (placing unrealistic burden's on yourself) up to take the man's load in life, and being the mother to an adult male isn't going to end well for you!
You can read here for as long as you like, and you will read story after story that mirror's you situation in many many ways...
What you have done is married a male who is refusing to take a man's responsibilities in life.....The best thing that can happen for you (and your unborn child) is self care, self responsibilities, and place boundaries on yourself to protect you from being his angry mother....Your anger and bitterness (like mine use to be) is because you have a male riding you, to make his life easy...You are being gaslighted in order to keep his ailments at the fore front of every conversation, every interaction, he will not want to hear your problems! His mind will have no empathy, for every problem you are facing, his life will top it...
I bet he can find the energy he needs to entertain himself, and feed his addictions....If I were you, I would not hesitate to calmly tell him the next time he finds himself unemployed he will find himself living alone...But, you have to mean it....His responsibilities to his family is not your burden to carry, never allow a man to use you, and deceive you into believing that!!
Praying for you!
c
I have to say, that was
Submitted by LadyAkrasia13 on
I have to say, that was neither helpful nor constructive. I probably do need to learn to set boundaries, that is true. But I honestly don't know how or where to start, and yelling at me on the internet isn't going to help me figure it out. I came here for solutions, not for one more person to tell at me and degrade the man I've chosen to spend my life with. He is not your ex and you don't know him. Please try to keep that in mind before projecting your past onto a stranger.
Second of all, I am not angry and bitter. I am lost, confused, and overwhelmed. But I definitely don't hate the poor guy for having problems he can't control. Also, nobody involved is addicted to anything. He doesn't even smoke cigarettes. I don't have any idea where that comment came from.
I joined this forum for support and solutions, not a swift kick in the teeth. Apparently that was a mistake.
Truth is hard to accept.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Your post is full of red flags, that it is obvious you don't want to accept...I'm sorry I spoke things you didn't want to hear..I told you...IF you stop (mothering him) making his appointments, that will be a good place to start....Take care of yourself..
c
C is right
Submitted by sickandtired on
C is just giving you a reality check. He was not yelling at you. You need to ask yourself why are you so defensive. You came on here to ask for help. C is trying to help you and your unborn child. BTW, if you read some of the stories on here from mothers, they will tell you that their husbands got MUCH worse after children were born into the relationship. Your husband obviously wants to be the total center of your attention. He will be jealous of the baby. I’m so sorry you are in this situation with this idea you can take care of all of your husband’s responsibilities. You can’t. HE needs to step up and be a man.... otherwise you and your baby will suffer.
I suppose the delivery was
Submitted by LadyAkrasia13 on
I suppose the delivery was why I got defensive. A lot of people like to use "tough love" and "reality checks" as an excuse to act hostile and be rude to others. I suppose it's just part of our culture. My fault if I'm being too sensitive though; I'm a very sensitive person and probably need to work on having.a thicker skin.
I don't understand why having ADHD and/or mental health issues like depression would inherently lead to everyone suffering forever. My husband is not a sociopath or abusive or anything like that. I think things can change. Me doing less for him that he could do for himself is probably good advice.
That said, I am ambivalent to hand him the reins on making appointments. My reasoning there is that he won't do it and therefore won't gain the skills he needs to work on things. Not out of not wanting to, but because he is forgetful, lives in the present, and doesn't have that level of organization or executive functioning (due to his ADHD). My attempts to coordinate appointments come from a place of "teaching a man to fish." Do you (or does anyone) have a better strategy? What about other ways I could get better at boundaries or be more helpful in a better way?
Again, let's all try, if we could, to behave like adults and stay calm here.
Warm welcome
Submitted by Mrs. Lollygag on
Bravo for your well-written post. I'll try not to let my indignance toward other replies obstruct my advice because what I see is an intelligent, upbeat, loyal, capable, soon-to-be young mother with queries.
Resolution and healing begins with the couple’s awareness to separate the disorder from the person. First, and above all, you've got to get him onboard.
A psychiatrist and a coach are imperative.
ADHD travels with comorbids, depression being a top contender. His suicidal ideation needs to addressed immediately. Today immediate. If ever there was a time where it's necessary be in charge, this is it. Please, make the appointment, tell him you're taking him out for an ice cream (I'm kidding, of course) and hold his hand through the entire appointment.
You can search this site for specific topics. Negotiations and Boundary Setting: You Can't Change Your Relationship On Your Own
Love your screen name. The title DameEnkrateia bestowed to you upon your future enlightenment and successes, of which I am certain will be many!
Treatment
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
If you can afford to try stimulant (or other) ADHD medication, that may help in a big way.
Try reading Melissa's book. It offers strategies for both sides and you won't find more expertise for a such low price anywhere! I am sure her seminar is even more valuable as you can tailor her suggestions to your situation and probably get some individual help. There are articles online about ADHD-friendly strategies you can implement (set the clock for a quick clean every day or other day where you both speed-clean for xx minutes, shared calendars, alarms, using post-its with ONE task vs. a longer list of to-dos, etc.).
As someone who has been where you are, I can say it does not get better until and unless the person with the ADHD helps themselves. You can only do so much. He has to see the problems his ADHD is causing and want to improve life for your family. I can also say that parenthood changed my situation completely. It was going "okay" before that but parenting taxed my partner to a degree where he could not handle it. If your husband can't clean a house or hold a reasonable job now, it is going to be very difficult to manage the 24/7 needs of a baby on top of that. My husband helped for a while, but once the hyperfocus of having a baby wore off, I was on my own and it led me to more than one breakdown. We have recently separated.
Good luck. And having been on this forum for almost 3 years, I can tell you curself meant no harm. He tries to help virtually everyone who posts here, has been through it all with an ADHD wife and is just so far along in the process that he just cuts to the chase. :)
Hard to hear
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
ladyakrasia13
C's comments may be hard for you to hear. He is speaking from experience and only trying to help you.
I'd like to address his addiction comment. Addictions can be to anything. ADHD partners who spend hours a day on their phones, in front of their computer, working on a project, etc. can also be "addicted". If an interest or hobby interferes with the relationship to the point that the couple doesn't spend time together, or nothing else gets done, it could be an addiction.
Regardless, you are under a lot of pressure. Once the baby is born, there will be even more pressure. You cannot keep all the balls in the air indefinitely. Caring for an infant will take up most of your time. Will your husband be able to step up to the plate, and pick up the slack? Will he be able to work outside the home to contribute financially?
A counselor for you would help. I wish I could offer you a solution, wave a magic wand and make it all better. There is only so much you can do to help him. This is the one piece of advise anyone here would give you. Unless and until he sees the need for change, it won't happen.
This advice is not meant to be cruel.
What is he doing for you?
Submitted by adhd32 on
I was you 30 years ago. I had one baby and things became chaotic than another and things went off the rails. There was no ADHD diagnosis back then so my feeling was H was mentally ill. Baby 1 grew up and was diagnosed with ADHD and eureka, H has it too, the old 2 for 1 diagnosis. But knowing this is the reason for his behavior does not absolve him of his commitment to our marriage and family. He was emotionally detached as a parent and checked out of our family life leaving me to manage a job, the household, our aged parents and everything related to the kids. Only he mattered. He acted as though the people who are supposed to be the most treasured in his life were an annoyance to him. Read through the posts, you will see you are not alone. I came to this forum only 3-4 years ago. I was smacked in the head with life stories like my own. I was like you then too. I was naive and in total denial. If only H would remember this or that then things would improve. If only he would just love us enough and think about someone other then himself things would improve. If only he would help out around the house, be involved with the kids, step up, blah, blah, blah... If only, If only....
You must accept that he has limitations and unless HE is willing to take control of his life, things will remain where they are right now. Making appointments for him is not teaching him to "fish" it is teaching him that he is incapable of taking control of his mental health. He can set several alarms to remind himself when to get up, when to get ready, when to leave, he is not an invalid and I am sure he knows how to use a phone alarm. But, it is so much easier for him if you do it. Do not use ADHD as an excuse for him and don't let him use it to excuse his missteps. Stop thinking and doing for him. Some people will purposely under function or act inept when they know someone else will take over. If his mental health is so fragile that he is contemplating suicide you need to report it to his doctor. How can he be helped if the health professionals don't know what they are up against?
I suggest that your read Melissa's book and share it with him. You cannot do this for him, change must come from him. He needs to deal with his depression as well as the ADHD. It will be a huge commitment for him. There is no other way, HE must do the work. I am sorry this is happening to you.
Been in your shoes
Submitted by tiredofbeinghis... on
Please be prepared for things to get worse once the baby is born. Not because he is a bad person. Because he is going to be overwhelmed by the demands of an infant and you won't have the time and energy to take care of both of them. Make sure you have a solid support system. You are all going to need it. I remember feeling like I was holding onto my sanity by a string that first year. If I had been better prepared, it might have gone a lot easier.