I've been very driven the past several months to find answers....There is such a huge myriad of issues in our marriage relationships, that it has been super difficult for me to find the bottom line....Tonight I was reading some of melissa's comments, and other posters, as far back as 10 years....And the thing I keep hearing from the non's is, all the negative effects they are encountering because of the realities in their relationship attempts...Most of the books and articles I've read related to this subject (adhd and marriage) for the most part, is addressing these same topics....
The effects I read about seem directly related to the reality of the relationship....It seems to be close to the same for many.....Emotional issues....anger, bitterness, stress, frustration....Physical issues....fatigue, bad headache's (migraines)...Psychological issues....anxiety, PTSD, depression, eating disorders etc.....Why?...What is the bottom line that causes mostly healthy people, to end up suffering one or more of these listed issues?
My theory is, and I'm going to list multiple ways of saying it here....Even though we occupy the same space w/ our spouse (for the most part) we are suffering from, long term separation anxiety....It's the effects of being trapped in a different bubble from your spouse....The inability to attach to a long term/time mate....Everyone of us who are suffering this long term type of abandonment, know certain facts about it...1) No one in my circle (friends, and family) could ever truly understand, it has to be lived... 2) It's never going to change long term for most all us... 3) Because of denial, many of us will never be able to have a real conversation about real life, etc....... The effects of these facts on our minds, eccentuate the hopelessness we feel, which is my theory on why the outward damage to our emotions, body's and minds surface....It's like a black hole....we just spiral deeper and deeper into loneliness, and hopelessness....Places we weren't created to go, so the ugly effects end up being our daily battles....And that will never change as long as we are bouncing around in these un-attachable bubbles...Even though we have some good moments along the way, that reality just makes it worse on our minds....Hope where their is no hope....The dangling carrot effect.....
Can I prove my theory? Well, read the posts from people who have moved on, what are they saying about their quality of life?....What about those of us who have separated for a period, what are we saying about our overall health after breathing different air.... Am I saying this concept (theory) is effecting everyone who might be reading or posting here? No, I'm not, but, I know it's been my reality....All the work I've done toward acceptance, boundaries, parent/child etc, is for this purpose....To limit the damage on my person for choosing to stay in what is basically an un-attachable relationship.....
I'm getting more and more numb to any expectations......Which is good....I just try to be thankful for the good moments, but, accept that they will be fleeting....I'm no victim, and have found a way to fight the battle's, without (hopefully loosing site of self care in all area's of my life....That's good....I hope you guy's are taking care of yourselves.....Accepting reality, and our inability to change it, is a huge stress release!
Be at Peace
Night c
One thing I had to learn was
Submitted by Pluto on
One thing I had to learn was to rely on myself for dealing with "the big stuff". That's where the loneliness comes in. It would be nice to share it, but my husband deals with life problems by pretending they don't exist, or if he can't pretend that they don't exist, he pretends that nothing can be done about it. Which means if something difficult is going to be dealt with, it will be me. It took a few major breakdowns for me to accept that it will be this way and to see myself as single as far as dealing with many responsibilities. He's good at doing his share of housework; it's anything complicated or stressful he won't deal with.
Yep Pluto....
Submitted by c ur self on
We end up Parenting by default many times...We can't go down w/ the ship when we know better....We have to pick our spots (avoid intentional self harm) when forcing accountability....
Thanks for your response;)
c
Loneliness...bubbles
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi C... I just wanted to pipe in here and say that I agree with a lot of what you've said. When I hit my lowest point, I went to my doctor with extreme physical pain. (It was so debilitating that I thought it was something deadly, btw.) She was smart enough to ask me what was going on in my life vs. just looking at my physical symptoms. I described my marriage to her. She instantly and rightly diagnosed me with situational depression, not a physical ailment. She said, "You are sick and depressed because you are lonely."
It doesn't matter that we "occupy the same space" as you've pointed out. There is no true attachment here because we can not have real conversations. In my case there has also been no intimacy for over 10 years either.
Yes, I have accepted reality and no longer hold any hope for change. It is freeing and a stress release, I agree, however, there is a new sadness (finality) that accompanies that as well.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts as always!
Your such an Angel melody.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Just love your posts, your caring heart, and your ability to see reality.....Finality? Yes, that is a real thing, it's kept me living w/ hope for 12 years, when there has really been no real reason (little to no ownership, and little to no attempt at change) to have it....(Except for my hope in my ever present Heavenly Father, who is sovereign, and has no limits to his love in Christ toward us....)
I'm so sorry for what you and your daughter have to deal with....You are so young!....I think intimacy would be deal breaker for me....She may complain, and delay it at times, but we still share intimately....
What is marriage??
c
:)
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
This made me feel so good. Thanks, C. I love your posts as well because you have approached your marriage with such love and consideration and have done a lot of hard work on yourself to make the best of things. Not easy. Without a child in the mix, I'm not sure I could have persevered as you have.
Yes, the intimacy has been tough for me. It was once a really important and wonderful aspect of a committed relationship for me. I can't believe I am where I am! I feel starved for both the emotional and physical connection with someone special. However, I am so fed up that even if he wanted to relent on intimacy, I would no longer be receptive. Not longing for that kind of connection with him anymore helps me deal with it for sure. I really hope I get to experience that with someone again!
Different bubbles
Submitted by anteight on
Hi C
this is so accurate! Last week I finally left. On one hand I'm so sad because I love the man I know he could be in the other hand I have peace I haven't had in years. He has literally sent me at least 100 texts of which I have not read in full because I know what they say. All the things I did wrong that make him worse. Then admitting he did things wrong too but nothing specific. I guess it's my fault he closet drinks and I guess it's my fault he gets credit cards behind my back lies about the reason and the limit then is already late on his payment. I can't even go into the emotional loneliness part as he completely refuses to get it. That's my fault too because I'm always angry! Wonder why! He acts completely shocked that I left even though I've been saying it since year 1 of our 8 year marriage. It's interesting because the few times I've mentioned the drinking and the lying he literally comes back with all kinds of my issues as though I've never said it. Even though it's in an email in black and white. I don't dare say to him he needs to go to aa and get proper meds ( he's on adderall) but I'm not sure that it's right and he won't take antidepressants. I don't dare say he needs a life coach. I won't because I have in the past and all he says is that I have issues and not everything is because of his ADHD. I know that but I can't help but know deep inside that it is the largest contributor to a relationship soooooo out of balance. I know that he can't see it and there is nothing I can do to get thru. I know that if I want to be a whole person I cannot stay. He's begging me to reconsider however I cannot. I've told him he needs to take serious steps and there is nothing in his commentary acknowledging that. I have in my heart let him go and put him on the alter. Only a mighty God can help him. I have to get out of the way. I told him whatever our future holds, together or separate I hope he chooses a way to have his best life because right now he is destroying himself and it breaks my heart!
i sent your post to him knowing that it will probably piss him off but it's my last ditch effort to wake him up.
blessings to you and thank you for always providing such clarity to people who are so stuck in the more of confusion and insanity.
Anteight...
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I feel for you.
I know what it is like to be married to someone who blames you for everything. It is emotionally draining having a husband who does not take responsibility for their own behavior.
Yes
Submitted by anteight on
Yes beyond draining
anteight you are showing a lot of courage....
Submitted by c ur self on
When our life styles are destructive, and we use our spouses as our scapegoat, it's time to step away....(IMO) Over the months ahead he will either consider his actions and work on himself to make positive change, (my hopes is he will see his need for spiritual intervention, Jesus...) or he will wallow in self pity and continue is his self inflicted destructive behaviors....
This way ( apart) you have giving him, and yourself, an opportunity to have a peaceful place to grow and heal....A place for only self reflection (no one to blame).....IMO You are doing right by ignoring his attempts at contact, because it may take him quiet a while to move past his need for a crutch, and accept it....I will pray you both can get to the place you know we all need to be....A place of peace and rest.....
c
Peace
Submitted by anteight on
Even though I feel physically ill and hate the pain he is in I am at peace!
I pray you find it too