I have so intensely focused on it for such a great amount of time, that I have to say I am at a loss to understand.
I have realized over the past few months that this is so very, very complex. I have some understanding. I have some experience. Raised up a son who gave me my first glimpse into ADHD. Saw possibilities. Know it just 'is,' and there are ways to find joy.
And it is way bigger than I am.
It is not at all that my efforts have been in vain. It is not that I am making a mess. It is not that my spouse is making a mess.
I just gotta step aside for a bit. Let it go. I do not know what it is like to have an ADHD wired brain. I do not know what goes on in anyone else's head but in my own. I am in a place that I fully got a grip on what it is like to see ADHD in action. I realize it is in my family's history - maybe in my own Dad, my own brother, my own Father in Law.
I found some limits that I have. For now, for a bit of time, ADHD will belong to my spouse. I gotta just sit back and allow him to work through what ever he needs. I choose not to be a hindrance.
My boundaries have been rechecked for rigidity. They are just right for me. They are firm. They may feel harsh. For me, they are needed.
With sincerity,
Liz
You caused me to do a snapshot this morning....
Submitted by c ur self on
Hi Liz, Your post brings me to a question I've had for myself, and the place I have come to concerning my marriage vows, as they relate to a healthy marriage. And how my boundaries effect my vows....I guess the real question is can I live the life I should be living, experience the peace I should be having, and still honor my Vows to my wife??? This question has been answered by our actions in the negative, way to often...But then there are those days and even weeks where I would say Yes!
So Can it???
Well I'm at the place I think it can...But, a few things I don't do well needs to improve....The main thing that causes me to fall into the trap is my comfort level when we are together...I must accept her reality....At times she shows no ability discipline herself, to be able to show self-control, when it comes to acceptance and showing respect, WHEN the switch of "FORCING HER WILL FLIPS ON". When she goes into the brain dead mode of I must force my will on him, I must put words in his mouth or I will die...And it can happen quickly and over just about anything she wants to make a point about at ALL COSTS...Two common examples.... The incorrect use of verb (seen, saw), another is the things she can't remember, but swears its like she says...(We had a good conversation about the latter last night) When I do not engage her desire to control at all costs attitude...She is disarmed! When I'm aware, and able to be calm and quiet, it's all smiles, and kisses....
She has no filter! No ability to accept anything her mind can't wrap around!....Bottom line!....Why is it this way you might ask?? It's how she battles and competes for her own self respect....Because, I've to often over the years requested for her to be aware of her disorganization, lack of time management, and awareness of what should be going on in our lives, (our Vows).. which is difficult for her and causes her to feel poorly about her self...This is her retaliation to let me know she is good (better than me) at something! :) She just can't see it...Not unlike myself, about my own blind spots....
So when I can live in her presents with this awareness and the "I'm fixing to fix you person pops up w/ a demand or manipulative attempt" then I must know better than to feed that monster at all....And that has nothing to do with her, but, it has everything to do with my awareness level....
The awareness will be different for every husband and wife...Insecurities come in many forms....Some or much more intrusive on relationships than others....But we all have them!
Recognition & Awareness is not only the Key, but it is also the path to wellness....If I have a problem w/ defensiveness there is a reason,, and insecurity is lurking....Should others have to pay for my own crap because I refuse to recognize it and deal with....To me, this is what makes people, (any of us) unfit for any kind of healthy relationship.
It really doesn't matter at the end of the day how bad I wished things were different....I can make it the best it can be by working on myself....And egaging others ONLY when Love is being shared....
C
Proverbs
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
C,
I have some ideals that are important to me. Many of them actually. The worthy woman, the one in Proverbs, oh I aspire to fill those shoes to the best of my own ability. My aspiration are beyond the 30th chapter, though I like the basis I find there:
An excellent woman - one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous Her value and and her worth is measured by the heart of her husband who can trust her with secure confidence. She comforts, encourages, and does him only good and not evil, all the days of her life. Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure; And she smiles at the future knowing that she and her family are prepared. A woman who fears the Lord reverently worshiping, obeying, serving, and trusting Him with awe-filled respect. Watching over the affairs of her household.
I also found wisdom in these other verses in Proverbs:
2:11 Discretion will watch over you, Understanding and discernment will guard you.
10:13 On the lips of the discerning, skillful and godly wisdom is found, but discipline and the rod are for the back of the one who is without common sense and understanding.
14:1 The wise woman builds her house on a foundation of godly precepts, and her household thrives, but the foolish one who lacks spiritual insight tears it down with her own hands by ignoring godly principles.
In my own eagerness, I have discovered my efforts are doing nothing more than causing my spouse to feel I have hung him out to dry. Yikes, that was surely not my intention.
I read back to my earliest posts. I was seeking solutions on my relationship struggles. I have not found the solution - - - -but I have worked through my own anger, and my own frustration. I have left no stone unturned. It seems in this specific place, I have come full circle.
Very truly,
Liz
OH MY....
Submitted by Zapp10 on
After 4 years of following this forum I just recently joined. There are several here, including you, who have given insight to me in my own situation of married to ADD.I need to qualify that my situation is one of a spouse in denial. How the heck do you "work" together? There are so many times I simply cannot understand what the heck is going on or what the heck do I need to do to HELP this merry go round slow down, and then I come here and find you all who articulate what I cannot.I am amazed at the insight for all concerned (those with and without ADD). My journey has brought me to a new arena where I am facing "do I stay or go". Leaving was never an option, to me. I would give my life for my spouse. Which brings me to ...I would die for him (QUICK and OVER)....but the process of dying one day at a time for years I do not know how to do anymore. I have come to realize that my worth through God is far more uplifting than seeing myself through my H's eyes. When, is it right to say, I have done the best I could do? I have loved beyond what I ever imagined and I am EMPTY? What is that? Again I ask myself.....what are you doing wrong? 44 years of marriage and this is it? I am not a victim......I seriously want to know.....augggghhh!
Something else that puzzles me is when is it not ADD or a relative of it? How do you address any issue apart from it when IT may be inner twined with it. Ex: my H has difficulty with emotions and seeing his childhood has helped me understand. Does ADD exacerbate this? Is it separate? He also doesn't have a "teachable spirit" meaning no one has anything to offer that he doesn't already know . Is this a different kind of issue or is it partly or all ADD? There are so many "little" things that seemed to magnify when the ADD reared up 7 years ago.
Yes, we went through the first 38 years not knowing what was causing behavior that took my breath away and caused hurt I never thought would happen (this is love)? He never skipped a beat and saw me as having a problem.(sometimes true but not ALWAYS). What an enormous relief when I came across ADD. I was actually looking for brain tumor symptoms....no lie :) Unbeknownst to him he had been "unknowingly medicating" with caffeine. Since a teenager he has drank coffee, in EXCESS. We are talking on average of 5 pots(10-12 cups) a day. He is notorious by those who know him for ALWAYS having a cup of coffee in his hand.Our coffee cup supply is scattered across the area ( which gives me a reason to shop....joy!). Then 7 years ago when he was 58 he had to lose the caffeine as it kept him awake at night..........and then the nightmare began.....
I need to take a breath and step back at the moment....reliving this "ride" is exhausting sometimes.....because I know it will never end as long as there is denial.
Thank you to all of you who have unknowingly been there for me....like you, c ur self,J jameson and many others.
PS Life is good.....even though my marriage isn't. I still wake up looking forward to the day. There is more to me than my marriage.....but IT does overwhelm at times:)
Nice Liz....
Submitted by c ur self on
Lots of wisdom and encouragement comes from Proverbs...It is one of the main reason's ( and the fact God promised to give to all men liberally, if we would just ask) why I pray faithfully these days for wisdom for my self...Because every time I read through parts of it, many of the scriptures that identifies a Fool hit to close to home.
Blessings Sister
C
I keep re reading
Submitted by Zapp10 on
I keep coming back to this post today. You have put words to what I feel. And the line at the very bottom........i have recently seen a lady....is most inspiring to me. I believe having come full circle and getting a hold of myself(like I expect my H to do) is actually the beginning of healing this whole mess. I love my H and I love me too(again). The ADD causes the simplest of tasks or communication to go sooo crazy! I can remember saying to the family "I am heading towards overload. It's not going to be pretty. Anyone want to guess what is going to happen?" I found myself saying that most often with H because I could not keep up mentally or physically with how much harder he made things that were hard enough already.
I am done being concerned with the fall out from his behavior.....train a child up includes consequences...the best teacher. I don't mean I am doing this spitefully. I am doing this for me as well as him because the consequences to me keeping up with him cannot be done. They distract me!!!! I have my share of responsibility....he has his. Honing down what is imperative and what is your wish list (keeping good attitude all the while) is life changing for me too. I am taking stock of what I really want and who am I really? Just as I would like him to do. I don't feel so alone anymore because of ...the lady looking back. Maybe someday it will be ...the love of my life looking back................and maybe not......:)
My experience
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Zapp10,
I have learned to value my own feelings and opinions. For many years, I had valued the opinions of others - my sisters, my parents, my spouse, my church leadership - above my own.
There are some things I need/want and have goals to achieve. There are some things I had to put at a lower priority level, as there are out of my realm of control right now. The thing is, I have based setting these priorities on how I can get them to fruition. I am urging/encouraging my spouse and my son - partners in our construction business - to find someone to run the administrative end of the business. I am choosing not to try to have a teaching job and run the business too. I have hit a glass ceiling. I have been spinning my wheels in frustration for a long time. I am ready to do something different. It is exciting to dream about it.
Sincerely,
Liz