Submitted by B on 02/17/2010.
My husband has an appointment at a clinic for Adults with ADHD. I am hoping they will treat him with medication and therapy. I am hoping to see some improvements in our marriage and future. He says that he wants to get help. He seems to be looking forward to getting help. He is afraid that he is going to loose me. I think that he is sincere. I am looking for hope. I would like to hear stories about how your life/marriage changed, improved after ADHD diagnosis and treatment. I also would like to hear about what treatments, therapies, strategies, etc... helped. I realize that change will not occur overnight. What changes did you have to make? I don't want to be disappointed again!
forward and back
Submitted by arwen on
B, I hate to have to tell you that you probably *will* be disappointed again -- ADD treatment is typically a case of "two steps forward and one step back" (and at times it seems like it can be "one step forward and two steps back"!) This is because the ADD partner usually not only has to learn new habits and behaviors through medication and/or counseling, he/she also has to *unlearn* old entrenched habits and behaviors. These are not easy changes to make! and can take years to achieve.
But the good news is that with persistence, determination, patience and understanding, progress *is* possible. Not only are there numerous stories on this site, there are many good ideas and suggestions. I urge you to read as much here as possible, as well as Ned Hallowell's books (which many of us have found to be invaluable) if you have not already.
My husband was diagnosed with ADD 15 years ago, and the first 10 years after his diagnosis were pretty tough slogging for both him and me. (Our situation was also complicated by the fact that we didn't originally know that he also has Seasonal Affective Disorder, which was mild when he was younger but has become progressively more of a problem as he has aged.) Although he was taking meds, it took a couple of years to really get them tweaked. And although he began counseling right after diagnosis (and has continued throughout the past 15 years), his counselor was not versed in ADD and so progress there was slow. Things deteriorated to the point of separation five years ago (mostly because of his SAD problems), but we both wanted to salvage our marriage and worked hard on it. We made some changes to our dynamics and our marriage has been much better since we ended our separation after nearly a year. We recently celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary, and I think my husband would agree that we haven't been this happy since the first few years of our marriage. It is still work for us both at times, and we still have occasional problems, but we have the mechanisms in place to deal with whatever arises.
I will have to agree with
Submitted by newfdogswife on
I will have to agree with Arwen. You will be disappointed again and again. From my experience with my ADHD husband, it has usually been one step forward and two steps back. My husband is on medication and does go to therapy. His counselor is not well versed in ADD but my husband is comfortable with him so I hesitate to rock the boat. Progress is very slow and can be frustrating from time to time as Arwen has mentioned. Especially since many of their habits and behaviors have been a part of them for many years.
thanks for the comments
Submitted by B on
Oh, We have a long road ahead of us!
Medication
Submitted by Clarity on
did make a noticeable difference. There has been no counsel as my husband thinks it's just talk (of course) but at this point it would be intolerable for him to be without the Concerta and Wellbutrin. The disappointment is chronic as I know certain behaviors will continue as they are normal for him. He is often sincere but not always steadfast and I am more aware of his inconsistent ways as I often remind him without being patronizing. I had more energy and hope when I was younger, if I'm not disappointed it's because I've settled. sorry, I'm 50 now and after thirty years of this I'm tired... I wish he would of gotten help sooner.
in the same lifeboat
Submitted by happycamper13 on
hey b - i'm surfing this site in search of the same kind of hope. i could have written your post. so here we are at the beginning of something in which we are afraid to hope. i don't know about you, but i've used up a lot of hope in the last few years. but this whole diagnoses/treatment thing is compelling me to look again and see what happens. keep in touch if you can. my adhd-er goes this thursday for his first medications and counseling. his heart is in it, but i know he wouldn't be there if i hadn't kicked him out, or had let him move back in already. i don't know what you've been through, but mine screwed up big time...where his doghouse get it's own mail. but i love him. he wants so badly to be a good and consistent man. sigh. we have nothing without hope, right? i just hope i'm hoping for the right thing ;)