Okay, so many weird things I really don't know what to make of these. Even more bizarre than usual. If you read my stuff here you know that my DH will be 50 in November and is unmedicated for his ADHD. He is without a doubt the most inefficient person I have ever met and takes great pride in doing things in the most complicated, convoluted way possible. These are examples from the past three weeks: all his junk mail is stuffed in one of his dresser drawers. JUNK mail-like fliers and stuff addressed to OCCUPANT. Stuffed in a dresser drawer. He found a bike at one of his properties that someone had left behind, so it was free, but then he spent $130 to get it fixed up. I hadn't seen it until after he spent that money (his own, from a side job that was supposed to fix his cracked car window but whatever). This bike is so trashed I cannot imagine it's even WORTH $130 let alone worth fixing up for that amount. And he has ridden it one time. He wanted to spend our money on a lock and I said no. Ditto the helmet-we had three and only one could be found. Too bad. Not putting any more money into this black hole. So we have junk mail and a junk bike. Next weirdness-he has been sleeping on the couch for the past three weeks. I finally asked why. He says you told me to. Um...what? He says I woke him up during the night a few weeks ago and told him he was snoring and to go sleep on the couch so that what he was doing. Um...again...what?? I have zero recollection of this and even if I did, wouldn't you suppose I meant that one night? He has been snoring for the entire 23 years of our marriage, why the big martyr thing now? So I said okay and left it alone and he continues to sleep on the couch. Final weirdness-our bedroom closet is gigantic so he has this big closet organizer thing with drawers in the closet for socks and t-shirts, etc. I was in there sorting laundry and I smell a coffee smell--like it smells good. I open one of his drawers and there is a big bag of huge chocolate chip cookies from a bakery-like 4 of them-big ones. In the next drawer is a ton of candy-starburst, butterfinger, hershey bars--like a ton-looks like someone emptied a kids Halloween pumpkin. What is with that? He has always hidden small amounts of food but nothing like this. Oh there were four cans of Coke in there too. What the heck??? Now, we do have a 19 year old who will eat anything that is not nailed down, so maybe that is why he doesn't want that stuff in the general pantry, but we don't eat that crap-I don't buy pop, never have, and certainly not that amount of candy. Any thoughts on the food hoarding/hiding??
so very strange
I really don't know why?
Submitted by c ur self on
Hi DV;)...Just read your post....Your husbands hoarding up junk mail is a very common way of life for my wife...I don't know why, but, I've often wondered....I can't really get any kind of definitive answer from her...I just quit asking about that kind of stuff, because it usually just makes her uncomfortable, and defensive (can lead to unnecessary tension between us) something we definitely do not need...I really don't think she knows...I doubt if your husband really knows either.....I think the hoarding tendencies is just a symptom of how their brains function...There is just to many of us experiencing the same behaviors for it to be coincidence (IMO)....
The bike thing may just be the inability to judge what is worth investing in, and what is not....To me that is just a common sense call....If repair cost's exceed more than 30 or 40 percent of the replacement cost, it's usually not a good investment....But, there is always exceptions, and extenuating circumstances based on things like sentiment, budget, age of the equipment...etc...
The hiding of candy is something she will do from time to time...One of the main things she does, along these lines is, when she decides to go grocery shopping, (she loves to hit specialty shops, like Trader Joe's, Cosco's etc.) she will come home with all this stuff...Call me into the kitchen and show me all her stuff...She will spread it all out, (like a kid w/ Halloween candy) and then tell me what I can eat and what I need to leave alone...LOL....For years I would just look at her w/ disgust and say...Or you kidding me?? LOL...I spend hundreds of dollars on groceries each month, and would never tell you what you can eat or not eat....Who does that??...Now I just smile and say, ok....Because, who does that?? My wife does, that's who;)...LOL...
DV....My #1 theory about this type behavior is it's unpreventable on a large scale....But it is workable on a smaller scale...IF, the person who's mind is leading them down this path, desire's and works at self awareness, they can do better....My wife has always told me in calm moments...That she is very selfish...But my theory, based on her ability to give, share and love others is, she is judging herself from a comparative sense w/ others... Observance of her unfiltered human behaviors, she has very limited control over much of the time, (Don't know how to feel or think rationally, especially in the moment) that by Observance, she don't see in most of her family and friends...(on the level she battles)....
I think most of these very common behaviors that are Psychological in nature, are tremendously hard to understand for someone who's mind is wired for objective thinking and decision making....That is why I have worked on acceptance so hard...It's our only hope to have a workable marriage....If either of us takes the mindset, that we must ***UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER*** at a level that means approval vs acceptance, then I should leave tonight....
Have a great weekend!
c
Food hiding - he doesn't
Submitted by SweetandSour on
Food hiding - he doesn't want to feel your judgement. Bike - really a pretty good attempt to do something worthwhile - you say he doesn't do anything and needs exercise - he thought this would be good - I think he should be encouraged for that. Junk mail - the ADHDer doesn't know if they want it or not because when they first see it they are focussed on something else, so they put it aside to deal with later and then it fades into the background and they never get back to it - very typical. I have to say that over the years I've had trouble with mail piling up due to me putting it aside to sort later - and I don't have ADHD. The only reason I have less problem now is I force myself to sort it immediately, but that habit was hard for me to acquire and those type of systems aren't prevalent in people with ADHD. Sleeping on the couch - possibly he dreamed you said that or possibly you did say that while you were not really awake and so don't remember it. Since you didn't ask him to come back to the bed he probably feels like you don't want him there even if you didn't say it directly.