I had something happen the other night that really broke things open for me. It allowed me to address some hidden anger I've been carrying around with me for quite some time. I thought this might be interesting to share as well.
It started not long ago with some dreams I was having about my ex-wife of 17 years ago. I normally don't dream of her much so this might be relevant. In this particular dream ( the last one ) I caught her having sex with someone else who remained a shadowy figure in the dream. I woke myself up actually swearing at her in the worst kind of profanity you could image. It was so vivid, I felt like it had just happened. I was incredibly angry. I tried to go back to sleep after a while...and it happened again! Same dream ! Now I was wide awake and couldn't go back to sleep. My SO finally woke up with me figiting around and asked what was wrong. I told her I didn't want to talk about it right them.
I was really upset, and really REALLY angry! And feeling very hurt.
I laid awake most the night thinking about this trying to figure it out....and I think I did.
Without the backstory...my ex was having an affair. Actually, more than one. I even suspected her secretly doing some swinging with friends of hers she worked with. They were into that thing. I never caught her, but all the signs were there. My therapist at the time ( hers too ) was subtly trying to tell me by making suggestions that I might try swinging. I told him so, I wasn't interested. He later told me that I was naive. It didn't occur to me intol later...that this WAS what was going on. I'm sure of it now.
Anyway. I don't ever remember being angry even once. It was all like a bad dream. And then this actual dream really happened.
In the morning, my SO asked me what that was all about and I told her. She asked if that had anything to do with her and I said, not directly, but going without sex for as long as we have feels a lot like I did back then when my ex stopped having sex with me ( very little ). My ex even said once that our sex was " no fun ". I told my SO that our lack of sex situation does really get to me sometimes.
I also asked her directly if she would please tell me before that ever happened. ( knowing she had been unfaithful twice before ). My SO then took the time to go over what she had told me before and reassured my that would never happen again. Her husband at the time had completely abandoned her in the marriage and they hadn't had sex in almost 15 years. She was done, as she explained, especially after her ex refused to go to therapy. She was starved for affection and was ready to divorce him anyway and had mentally left the marriage. She also reassured me that nothing like this was even close to what was going on. She repeated what she said before: she's over 60, her hormones have changed and she's on a pretty heavy duty antidepressants/ anxiety med that killed what little libido she has left. She has no libido as in none. Which means she's never in the mood, sex doesn't even sound good to her most of the time. Thinking about this a little more, I wonder if it's like any other appetite of hunger you experience? Like when your really full after a meal and food just sounds aweful in that moment? I can hardly remember not ( ever ) not having a strong sexual appetite so this may be a foreign concept to me? Thinking in part....I can't really relate even when I was with someone I didn't want to have sex with but....still had a raging sexual appetite anyway? Could be.
But more importantly at this time...this dream did reawaken my hidden anger. One I had suppressed for many years. It was like....my brain, created a scenario, where I caught her "in the act" so I could let go of all that anger I had been carrying around for all these years.
My SO also said....since she knew I had been cheated on in the past, she wouldn't ever do that to me. It was very sincere which also made me feel better.
And I'm sure, without a doubt, some of that suppressed anger was getting projected on her as well. As these things tend to do.
J
Sounds Like A Breakthrough!
Submitted by BeyondConfused on
I think it's great that you were able to have this dream where you were able to release and let go of some of that anger. It sounds like you were able to reflect on the past some and let go of some past hurts.
I'm sorry you went through this experience with your ex-wife. Infidelity is painful to go through.
It also sounds like you had a good conversation with your SO about things which is always helpful.
As for her libido, and the lack of sex, that has got to be frustrating. I am a high drive individual that tends to end up with lower drive partners. I'm usually OK with it. But it definitely becomes something that bothers me if I am experiencing other problems in the relationship. It becomes more noticeable to me at that point and can be difficult not to take it personally.
I hope this release of anger helps you feel better and lighter on your journey.
Hopelessness
Submitted by J on
Thank you for your kind words, its nice to know there's a place to go for support when you need it, and yes, getting rid of past anger is very freeing. It feels good to know how to deal with something that is negatively affecting when you actually knowing what it is? Knowing what, is the first step I think?
As far as the sex situation, I'm finding that a little more difficult to deal with. It's much easier to live without sex when you have no one to have sex with if that makes sense? It's much harder when the person that you desire most is right there standing in front of you or sleeping next to you at night. I see her naked everyday, but you can touch, but you can't have so to speak.
After a very good open discussion we just had, I found out a few more things that I now understand better. My SO had a complete hysterectomy some years back and was on estrogen replacement. They took her off the estrogen because it increased her risk of cancer ( precancer, why the hysterectomy ). In the time we've been together ( the last two or more years ) her physiology has changed even during that time, where she basically developed vaginal atrophy. Everything down there has completely stopped working and she's experiencing discomfort in different forms because of it. It's definitely not me as she explained. They put her back on a small dose of estrogen but it's not enough to make any difference and her desire has basically disappeared. I can rationalize this as being "disabled" down there which helps me see the situation more clearly. It's like a part of her still wants to but she can't and there's a lot of guilt involved.
This all came out after I told her I'm feeling hopeless....losing all hope. Hopelessness is an interesting feeling that's hard to describe exactly? It's not really depression or sadness...it more of a mental state of mind. A state of mind you actually can do something about in an odd way. It's very hard to describe?
We talked more about this and I told her we need to openly come to some sort of arrangement where it's okay for me to take care of my needs ( without cheating or going outside the relationship ) and do whatever I need, in any way I choose...and it be fine with her so I don't feel like I'm hiding or sneaking around. She assumed so already and is okay with it but foe me...I wanted to get that all up front with her blessing so to speak without feeling ashamed or embarrassed about it....or making it feel passive aggressive for her. I also told her that the guilt she is feeling is also not good. I wanted to make sure she knew I was still here for her and not going anywhere so she shouldn't feel guilty...which is kind of like letting her off the hook so to speak. Her feeling bad about it, isn't going to help if there's even a glimmer of hope left at all. I'm still maintaining a small ember of hope...just in case something changes but I'm no longer investing myself into anything that has to do with a sex life with her. I'm taking all the power back in that respect...and removing it 100% from her hands and putting it back into mine. ( no pun intended lol ).
It's now 100% my problem, not hers, and I'm taking away any doubt in her mind that she's responsible in in any way for my sexual well being. I'm not entirely done here at the moment. I'm still dealing with any lingering feelings of resentment and loss and those feelings of hopelessness. That's my job now, to take care of myself.
One more thing...
Submitted by J on
In the five years I was living alone like a hermit...that experience taught me a few things. Withdrawing completely from social interaction and living in solitude teaches you things you might not normally learn about yourself. One of these being....the things that are most important. What I learned was: it wasn't sex, or anything else like that I missed most. Not even the loneliness got to me after a while. It was the human connection I missed most of all. That to me, was the one thing I found most difficult of all to live without.
And I told my SO this very thing: With her, I have the most important thing already so she shouldn't feel guilty for not providing me with my needs. The most important need I have at least, gets met by being with her. That connection, I can't get with anyone else.