The leaves had really piled up by last weekend. Our son had done a poor job of raking them earlier in the fall and now said he refused to do yardwork because I always tell him it is not good enough. You know, I am picky about things like raking the leaves that are against the fence,bagging the leaves once you rake them into piles, and not raking them into the bushes in the hopes that no one will notice. On Saturday morning we went to a movie. On the way, my wife offered to help me rake. After the movie, she said our son should help me rake. I reminded her that she offered to rake. She then said she would help me rake after the water boiled for making pasta. She came out and said that she would (finally) take down the last of the Halloween decorations while she was waiting for the water to boil. I kept raking until sundown and filled 16 bags of leaves and a plastic bin full of fallen branches. She never came out again. She then made arguments about how our son should have helped. OK, but the leaves needed to be raked and arguing with him all afternoon would have meant that no leaves got raked. I reminded her that she OFFERED to help and said she would help after the water boiled. Oh, she thought that taking down the Halloween decorations was all she was supposed to do. No, I reminded her, she was supposed to rake.
Keep in mind that I have had surgery on both of my shoulders and that I also currently have the remnants of bursitis in one knee.
She then said that she and the kids would rake the back yard on Sunday morning. They did about 1 hour before my wife, our daughter, and I left for a play we had tickets for. Our son was supposed to fill at least one more bag of leaves--which he did not do. He didn't even bag the pile of leaves that had already been raked.
Maddening
Submitted by Brindle on
It’s stuff like what you describe that makes a person feel so angry. It is hard not to feel like “how convenient for you to not remember.” Do you think that’s what was going on?
My H rarely offers to help. But in those rare occasions, he either helps only for about 20 minutes or he finds a way to be “thoughtful “ - like instead of helping with the sweaty job, he spends an hour at the store while the job is happening to bring home cold drinks and ice cream. Sure, that’s thoughtful, but we could have just drank cold water that we already have, and he doesn’t end up actually helping with the job.
-bangs head on table-
Surgeries
Submitted by sickandtired on
The thing that stands out to me is how she has no empathy for you shoulder surgeries and knee issues, letting you do all of the work and not keeping her promise to help. Have you thought about the future? What if you have a serious disease or injury that makes you helpless? I broke my leg taking care of a chore that my x had promised he would do for me but never did. I had several big tropical potted plants outside and he kept promising to bring them inside before it got too cold. By November 22 he STILL hadn’t moved them in, so I did it, and broke my leg in 2 places and sprained the other ankle so badly I couldn’t use crutches. I was helpless in a home built on a mountain that has 42 steps to the street! He was awful, refusing even to call 911 for me and saying, “It’s not that bad...” My neighbor helped him carry me down all of those steps and into out truck because x didn’t think it was necessary to have paramedics “go to all that trouble over this”. He raged in the emergency room making it all about himself when told I had 2 broken bones. He blamed me, our choice of home, Hell he even blamed the plants, but took no ownership in his broken promises. He got angry at another friend who was a paramedic when he tried to teach him how to care for me in my injured state. One of my early posts tells the whole story. That was the last straw for me, so after months of being at his mercy I threw him out. My question to you is, how can you stay with someone who has such little regard for your physical well being, much less your happiness. I know it’s all about them, but we should have the right to be happy and physically safe in a relationship at the very least.
This is a good point
Submitted by Brindle on
This is very true - would she actually take care of you if you needed it? Would she be an advocate for your health, for your pain management?
My H is sometimes good in the initial emergency (although he has shown some irritation that I needed him) but for long term care, I’m honestly scared of that. He likes to think he’d take care of me, but he wouldn’t manage for long. And he would gripe the entire time and be grumpy with me. I’ve already asked a family member of mine if they would let me stay with them while I needed help, should I need it. Maybe you should come up with some strategies to help yourself.
Does your wife give herself 'credit' for SAYING she'll rake?
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Earlier in the season my ADHD wife said she'd make it a point to help rake leaves in the yard this season. Getting our teenage sons to 'help' has been a similar losing battle as you've described... Based on my 25 years experience I assumed (correctly) that my wife would never actually do ANY raking. My wife seems to give herself credit (in the moment) for offering to help but, when reminded of her 'commitment' in later weeks, she'll get outraged that other people have also not helped. Never will acknowledge she made a verbal commitment (her ADHD conveniently erases it) and I am called a 'bully' for reminding her. Over the years I've completely discounted anything my wife verbally commits to more than two days into the future. It just won't happen. I insist that any meaningful commitment be written down via text or email so as to overcome the flaming righteous denial. She wonders why we don't talk as much as we once did...
WIGB
Submitted by c ur self on
Credit for offering? Yes, that sounds familiar....But, at what point do we stop believing things that rarely come true? When we have a spouse that lives in a mind that produces the type behaviors you, me, and many here post about...At what point do we believe what we experience, vs's what we hear?? LOL...Isn't it self inflicted pain and suffering when we put stock (trust) in their promises??
As for as your teenage son, we all discipline differently...All I can say is if he was mine....He would rake, he may have trouble sitting, but he would rake...
Blessings
C
The definition of insanity...
Submitted by SJC2021 on
The definition of insanity....you know the rest.......
People with ADHD operate in a world where normals cannot, will not , ever understand.
You either accept it and move on, or move out and move on.
Only two choices.