Everytime my ADD spouse brings something into the house to show me, he has it behind his back. It could one item in one hand, another item in the other hand. This whole "reveal" could take several minutes. This is a crazy way of sharing things... to manipulate the whole timing and how it's presented and making me wait until I'm feeling a bit put off by his behavior, including my loss of interest over the *surprise* item.
Today, he brought in old items from our old shed to show me. Instead of just bringing it in, he had both behind his back as if it was a surprise like chocolates and flowers and it was so drawn out.
There was a very musty old cigarette box in one hand. The other hand held behind his back was 2 rusty hairclippers.
I feel like his behavior mimics a ten year old's -- "close your eyes and I'll make you kiss this frog" .... "guess.... bet you can't guess. you have twenty guesses."
The most frustrating thing is, my spouse is nearly 60 YEARS OLD. When I tell him I prefer just seeing things like that when he walks in the house, he gets mad at me. It's as if I've ruined his perpetual childhood.
Does anyone's AD/HD spouse act like this or something similar???
Awareness....
Submitted by c ur self on
Yes...I can relate, I guess it's their way of putting excitement into the day, something different, something to them that is exciting...Thrill seeker mentality. Let me impress you! And heavens' forbid that you should have an opinion about it....lol....
That's who he is...my wife can turn the mundane things of life into one emergency after the next...I just try to be the fly on the wall and not get dragged into it...I have to consciously work on not having a response...
I'll agree with the thrill
Submitted by copingSAH on
I'll agree with the thrill seeking aspect of it. I can tell if he's been disappointed in my response(s). At the beginning of our courtship decades ago, I would cry (because I was a needy dysfunctional young person) whenever he surprised me... but I don't cry over material surprises anymore and that seems to irritate him no end.
Iwas left very unstable this afternoon -- he was upset with something I wasn't showing him (approval, gratitude) -- my spouse was lashing out at me on a morning out for breakfast for pretty much being "useless," "an anti-depressant junkie," and a "bitch on menses" -- all this in front of our children. I came home and just cried (after useless arguing).
I feel I am so caught up in his drama that there is so much left unsaid that is truly important when we're together as a family. I spend the whole time trying to keep him from blowing up.
That's verbal and emotional abuse...copingSAH
Submitted by c ur self on
The sad news is it may not get any better, so, I suggest you try to get him to go to a marriage counselor with you...A third party, who can help y'all get to the root of the problem...No one is so blind as those who refuse to see. To many couples me included, just deal with this abuse and chalk it up to add...when it's not add...
I was left very unstable this afternoon -- he was upset with something I wasn't showing him (approval, gratitude) I know everybody is different, but this statement you've made here about gratitude and approval is huge for my wife...When she feels like she has done something well and I don't notice her efforts with a verbal approval, she tells in detail about it...So, I really can impact her and our relationship, by giving her feedback and affirmation. If she is getting my approval in a mature way, she is so much more willing to recognize and work on overcoming her add symptoms.
(I feel I am so caught up in his drama that there is so much left unsaid that is truly important when we're together as a family. I spend the whole time trying to keep him from blowing up.) This statement is the exact way we lived for 4 years...Our home was one big emotional and verbal cesspool....I want go into all the reason's but, Basically it hinge's on Control...And, speaking for myself...What was killing me was my thinking of "How it should be" With Add...You have to be accepting, have empathy for how their brain works, and gain an understanding of it's effects, (remember add is not abuse) you have to set boundaries, boundaries and more boundaries, so you both can have some semblance of what is a "normal" life for you both. Which is very different in many cases...Esp. w/Add...I feel without the 10 months of counseling, we would be divorced by now...People were not created to live with their emotions in a constant state of upheaval...Our marriages should be a source of unity, love and sharing.
If we hadn't gone to counseling for 10 months, I feel we would be divorced now...Bless you!
You need to stop focusing on
Submitted by SherriW13 on
You need to stop focusing on the "so much left unsaid" and start focusing on disengaging. I spent (i.e. WASTED) a lot of years on the "I need to be heard" "I need to say just this one last thing" "If I say this another way he'll hear me this time and stop doing X, Y, and Z". It doesn't work. What "needs to be said" has probably been said 1000 times, if I had to guess. He will call you names and verbally beat you down like this as long as he knows it works. I would say nothing in response and maybe not go out in public with him for a while until he gets his tongue under control.
You are caught up in the drama.. you're CoDependent. There is help. You don't have to leave or he doesn't have to change for you to start feeling joy again. Read everything you can on CoD. It will change your life, if you're serious about wanting change. ((HUGS))
Let me think about this one.
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Let me think about this one. I don't believe I do anything like that, and possess neither the patience nor the interest to perform an annoying 10 minute reveal...of trash. I would be annoyed with that as well.
It's a guy thing....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's a guy thing! My brother is add...and stuff like that is how he initiates affection..bring snakes in the house, scaring his wife (x-wife)...If he didn't leave her throwing something or talking ugly...She wouldn't have known he cared :)...My wife wouldn't do that either, cause she would have forgotten what was in her hand...lol... be nice...sorry, but that's funny...
Momof2, thanks for your
Submitted by copingSAH on
Momof2, thanks for your feedback. Lately I've been struggling with where to draw the line with understanding if it's ADD, severe childhood dysfunction, or a combination of both. I think the upset with a disappointing feedback stems from emotional baggage he hasn't dealt with yet. Constantly needing feedback, but unable to give feedback unless someone (3rd party) is within earshot and can hear his praises etc.
I'm sort of riding roughshod on this thread because it was very upsetting going out with him today and the boys. He went from calling me a narcissist to controlling, to accusing me of being messed in the head, that I had father complexes. I know full well I've been attempting to heal my own baggage on my own. He takes everything that is so important and critical for me (to heal) and he just yanks the curtains down over it. All I wanted this morning was breakfast out with the family. With what little money I have on my own, I had to pay for breakfast only to be accused of being such a nasty useless individual!
It's part of their "needy issues"....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
for awhile, my H would do this silly thing of pretending to hide a "love note" from someone to see my reaction. After the first couple of times, obviously I didn't "take the bait" and H was "hurt" that I didn't act jealous. But, after a few more times of me showing no reaction, he gave it up. It's called an "extinction burst".
So, if he gets mad a few times at your lack of reaction, then at some point, he'll stop doing this.
childishness
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
I am an ADHD husband almost as old as yours (53), and I do stuff like this too, and I really cannot see any harm in it. When I am digging in the garden, for example, I will sometimes find cool looking rocks, fossils, or petrified wood, and clean them up real nice and show my wife. She could care less. I also pick up cool stuff on the beach, like gnarly pieces of wood, and bring them home. Also, I like to take pictures, all the time, of cool stuff I see around town. I also do all sorts of fun stuff, and have countless emergency room visits, contusions, broken arm, wrist, femur, and heel, and odd encounters with cops, the border patrol, and TSA agents as testament to my refusal to take life sitting down. My girls loved all this when they were little. Now they just roll their eyes, but I can tell that they still think Dad is a great deal of fun to have around - they just can't resist the constant drama (kinda like soap opera stories I guess). The wife, however, cares for none of this "frivolity." Is my behavior childish? Maybe, if you consider my absolute love of life and everything in it is childish; or if you think that my ability to be completely oblivious to the ridiculously mundane things that occupy most people's attention is childish; or if you think that my wish to connect to people in an exciting, stimulating way is childish. I think childishness is very underrated. Maybe you should try it sometime - it could bring some joy into your life, too.
NotAnIdiot
Submitted by Standing on
Thanks for the reminder :) I prefer to view it as childLike, rather than childIsh, but your point is well taken. I do truly love these qualities in my husband and I recognize that I often tend to take myself too seriously. "Frivolity" is indeed underrated :)
Kid at heart!
Submitted by c ur self on
There is nothing wrong with living a life of happiness, having fun, hobbies...having of a love the outdoors and nature, fun people and fellowship...that's who I am also...but that's not the problem for many of these poster's...It's the spouses that want accept the responsibility of their commitment...The one's who want work and dumps on the mates and children...The one's who can't and want see their own actions because their so self absorbed..that nothing matter but their good times.
@c ur self
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
You are right. It is true that at some point this man-child has to take on his share of adult responsibilities and not be constantly enabled by his wife. He has to realize that dumping it all on her is not only unfair but a stain on his honor as a man. It's great to find child-like joy in life, but not at the expense of other people's happiness.
Oh no, I don't see any harm..
Submitted by copingSAH on
Oh no, I don't see any harm... it's the way he presents them to me in that very deliberate, protracted way.
He's brought home hub caps, rear headlights, and some old chairs. The other night he was going to pick up another chair he saw on the road but he got sidetracked at the bar again and the chair was gone by the time he went back. I had no problem with these surprises but sometimes they are just useless junk... and then the fact he gets so defensive if I ask him what he had at the bar... it's a simple question. I notice some beers seem to make him particularly nasty and others put him in a good mood, so maybe I just want to know. I wish he wouldn't drink since he's on meds, but he says he knows what he's doing.
I hope you're kidding
Submitted by dvance on
You consider your behavior not childish, but rather "absolute love of life"??? Childishness is underrated?? Wow. That has got to be the best justification I have ever heard for not acting like an adult. DH does similar things in my house--I have a parking space in our public garage overflowing with his "love of life"--that would be old wooden wine crates, skiis (no one in our family skiis or cares to learn), old bird cages (again--there's never been a bird nor will there be). His part of the walk in closet is chock full of his "love of life"--magazines, what he thinks is silver bowls (then why were they in someone else's garbage???), more bags of beach rocks than I can count (we live two blocks from the beach--why can't the beach rocks stay on the beach), broken costume jewelry--it's really quite stunning the array of crap that he comes home with. Love of life? No, irresponsible. Messy. Unnecessary. Junk. My DH has also had more injuries than I care to recount here--love of life? No, bad choices. At this point my 13 year old was more mature than his father several years ago. It's not love of life, it's ridiculous unnecessary behavior dressed up as "look how fun and zany I am". The reason wives don't like it is because by default it makes us the adult who has to do all the boring stuff like laundry, manage the kids, EXPLAIN to the kids why dad is so excited about the newest piece of crap he lugged home that is now parked in our house, pay the bills for the injuries you had fun getting. ADHD fun and regular people fun is not the same thing.
Dvance
Submitted by Standing on
What i said is that frivolity is under-rated. Speaking for only myself, I need to be more frivolous and less serious/practical. I do not admire childISHness in an adult. What i recognize in myself and possibly some others who are faced with trying to manage life with an add partner is this: all work and no play makes me a dull person. I, personally, need to lighten up. That doesn't mean I think it's okay for my add spouse to drift through life like a spoiled brat. Only means that I need to ensure that relating to him does not cause me to become a prune.
Quoting NotAnIdiot: "odd
Submitted by copingSAH on
Quoting NotAnIdiot: "odd encounters with cops, the border patrol, and TSA agents as testament to my refusal to take life sitting down"
I'm not sure what to make of this.... doesn't it seem deviant for someone to engage with authority in that way?
Exactly what are these encounters over? It doesn't seem like fun, maybe for a 20-something radical but....
They seek our approval. They
Submitted by SherriW13 on
They seek our approval. They seek acceptance. This is all part of it. No matter how mundane or boring it is to me, or how uninterested I am, I always act like I am and give him my undivided attention because I would want the same from him no matter how mundane my story/item/favorite new song was to him. If my best friend, or my child, or my sister came to me with hands behind back and said "guess what I have?" I would never say anything that would make them feel rejected or like I wasn't interested...why would I do it to my husband..the man I vowed before God to love for better or for worse?
I think a better question would be why this annoys you so? I honest to God don't mean that in a harsh or critical way, I just think this might be your issue and not his. Are you disappointed that it isn't chocolate and flowers?
I've only just had time to
Submitted by copingSAH on
I've only just had time to come back today and I'll have to re-read all the responses carefully as there's a lot of questions to consider -- codependency especially. I do feel I'm stronger on my own two feet but I become pathetically dependent when I'm in a relationship. So it probably stems from a upbringing where the men were more important and I unconsciously chose men, and attracted men who were very traditional and chauvinistic/misogynistic (think Mad Men era). No matter how much I was able to get away from it (successful at education and career), it was never the same in private. It seemed like all the men in my life just worked to keep me at a certain level that worked for them. I also feel I'm very tired and maybe too tired to try to work my way out of it.
I love the child-like humour. That's one of the reasons I fell in love with my spouse. But there's a time and place for everything.... if I'm dealing raising our profoundly autistic son (the most beautiful being in the world), sometimes I don't have time for my spouse playing surprise games with me -- especially not if I've wiped the third massive poop of the day off the walls of my kid's room. I just don't have time, don't have time for myself, except to post here!
Why I'm annoyed is that while I MAKE the time for him, drop everything to do things for him as he asks, or wants to find.... I'm doing that as a partner and it's my responsibility as well to support my spouse. Whenever I need to ask for a favor or an ear, I'm always met with delays and excuses not to talk to me. I have had to wait weeks and months for him to take a look at what I bring to his attention. Or he will just change the subject to what he's interested in. There's never any real feedback to me in any promising or positive way. I was talking about current events the other day, and he responded with "Well I don't give a shit about that stuff." So I guess the conversation ended there. But my son was empathetic enough to listen to my thoughts and acknowledged I existed. And that was that. In a nutshell, in my relationship, my only issue is that I want to be acknowledged/accommodated the way my spouse gets to be acknowledged/accommodated... by the time he gets around with it, he gets all the kudos but I'm already .... I dunno.... given up?
This afternoon, I was bothered he was still keeping the family room all to himself and closes all the curtains and doors and we're not allowed to use the television set because it is *his*... umpteenth conversation and nothing's changed, then in the same breath, he told me he was leaving -- in the most cheerful attitude -- to share a 12-pack of beer with his new friends in the neighborhood. But he's happy and will come back with a cheerful child like mood. I'm here taking care of our child...
Have you told him how you feel?
Submitted by c ur self on
Sounds like more irresponsibility....What would happen if you came in and told him tomorrow night...Please put our son down and keep a good eye on him...I'm headed to share a 12 pack of beer/or drinks with a friend?
I have told him but he seems
Submitted by copingSAH on
I have told him but he seems to take it the wrong way very quickly.
And yes, I do agree there is a certain irresponsibility or unawareness on his part of how much time I spend caring for our son. The other night, he came back late and my questioning upset him. In the meantime, in the few minutes it took me away from our son, our son managed to grab a permanent marker and drew all over his face and shirt with it (LOL) My dh said "do you know what your son did!?" and walked off. I ended up washing son up and then had to go deal with his shirt (lost cause). I told my dh as I found him relaxing with the blasted television that I was disappointed he did not even offer to help with either his son or the shirt when he was the one who found our kid that way. He just refused to answer.
I might have to try that going out one evening, or something very similar.... I think I may be fearful of venturing out after so long... I once turned on that stupid television without his permission.... it took every ounce of his being not to say anything to me.
copingSAH
Submitted by c ur self on
I do not suggest you actually go out and do something that is not in you to do. I wrote that to you, thinking maybe the reality of the question to your husband, would shock him into seeing how much he is under appreciating, and under valuing his blessings...I'm sorry, some times we can be abandoned and alone even though they are present.
But, take Joy in knowing that your heart is called to do what is right! Regret is a lifeless and bitter partner to grow old with, so, by God's Grace, lets live responsibly by faith, with hopes to not have to live out our last days with it...
Blessings!
Thanks c ur self, I have my
Submitted by copingSAH on
Thanks c ur self, I have my faith and spirituality to guide me; must remember to return to it continually and with love and not feel alone. I was particularly vulnerable earlier this weekend and very lonely despite chores, kids, forums. I don't think I would have gotten this far if I didn't have something to keep me somewhat grounded (if not completely sane!).
I feel more able to COPE today, despite my spouse sending me back inside the house this afternoon because he was furious over a landscaping dilemma (I feel the OCD contributes to the intensity of his situation). I tried to suggest a solution but when he is mad, he cannot stop to think of my suggestions. He might listen to the neighbor, but they are probably not going to go out of their way to do that. I know my spouse works harder than most people I know and he is a good provider. We just cannot communicate in any efficacious manner and not at all like the average couple.
Instead of fuming, I kept my heart light (detached) and went inside and started a nice brunch for the family. I know we won't be able to discuss end-of-summer plans at all and plans for the kids (this is what I meant about things left unsaid).
The kids are happy with their meal. So, there is joy in that.
Awesome Response SherriW13 !!!
Submitted by kellyj on
Acceptance is so important in the face of being rejected so often in life for one reason or another...you never get used to it. I know I have been shot down for being over exuberant about things at times thinking I only wanted to share my excitement. I've learned not everyone wants to feel "excited" in fact....this feeling probably feels more like "stress" than "excitement" quite often. I do realize this now compared to my past and have learned some self control when I feel the need to "share"... but shooting people down or being overtly rude and disrespectful just because "you don't like it" in the moment is actually more of a lack of self control on that person's part than on the one who is simply expressing them selves. Stand up comics tell some bad jokes in with the good ones during their routines at times. Are you going to hurl food at them every time this happens?
His mom (hoarder) and my husband (adhd, AA)
Submitted by evergreen on
On the childishness of hiding things behind his back, drawing out a 'junk' surprise.
The positive is the 'living in the moment' of my husband and his mother, and their shared love for old stuff/ junk. I don't despise junk, I just think very few items found at garage sales are actually anything but personally appealing and free/ cheap and therefore 'valuable' to their owner.
The downside for me and his family-life approach of moment to moment is that I am the enabler, the conductor, and most of the time that is ok, and easy for me.... but - I do realize, behind the 'seize the day' approach of my husband and his mom, they both are expert at getting what they want, when they want, and using people who are in daily task-ways, more equipped with executive-level functioning. I have to fight my nature of being compassionate and giving and turn into that 'detached' person who starts to realize that I have to mind my own business and ignore/ step back/ smile (cry) from all the drama. Running and gardening have helped immensely here. Just some thoughts. Thanks so much for this forum.
Yes all the time! I am a
Submitted by Loglyn on
Yes all the time! I am a planner with a 7 year old son with ADHD and sensory issues I have to be. He will keep plans from me to spring them on me last minute which drives me BONKERS. I do not like surprises I've had enough of them in my life. I need stability and consistency. It does not excite or thrill me it just stresses me out more especially since I am the one to deal with all the secondary stuff. Like great you booked a vacation we leave tomorrow, but I don't have enough medication for our son, and I have an appointment or have to work that day, or try and squeeze my dog into the kennel which is already fully booked.