My husband and I are both ADHD diagnosed and treated. He has much more severe symptoms than I do that are moderately helped by high doses of Ritalin, except when he forgets. I do pretty well on adderrall- keeps me calm and not as spacey as without it.
I don't know what to do as my husband of many years says he wants to stay together, but does not seem able to be emotionally intimate with me, lost interest physically a few years ago (suddenly less sex and trouble with erection), and seems to continually need time away from me in all sorts of public situations. Recently I have overheard him speaking in low romantic tones on the phone and even saying things in his sleep he doesn't say to me.
Since 3 years ago, I have talked about divorce 3 times. Each time he suddenly behaved more attentive, begs me not to leave and convinces me, but then goes back to the same inattentive behavior.
My husband is super smart (and grandiose). I don't think I will be able to catch him in his infidelity and he insists he would never do that. But almost every day he says or does something and acts irritated and won't answer questions and if he complies with a request from me it is begrudgingly and sometimes with anger. I just think if he was faithful and happy in our marriage he would be consistently treating me as someone special to him. He used to, but not anymore.
What do you think? I feel like I'm going crazy and/or I'm a bad person for wanting more. We raised a large family, a few kids hardly talk to him. They usually prefer to see me without him. He has a large family, however, that I'm afraid to offend, because they are pretty good people though his dad is divorcing his 3 rd wife.
there has been porn and the erratic behavior makes me wonder if he is seeing sex workers and not actual "girlfriends".
I will appreciate any questions, perspectives and
thoughts.
Been there
Submitted by 316RDC on
Hi space girl. I'm totally new to this myself and made my first post just 5 mins ago. Although I can't validate his cheating I will say that you know him so well.if something is off then it might be the case. I went through this in 2017.. we were not aware of his adhd then.. we just found out that he most likely has adhd through my son's diagnosis this past month (my son is high performing but I'm 1-2 classes he is terrible, teacher complains etc.. after seeing a therapist and also Years of my personally working with him I can clearly see he has the inattentive version or the ADD version) my husband for years was convinced he had something.. me with an atypical mind in an extremely analytical.job (I code for a living) dismissed this. Looking back I feel guilty about that but back to what happened to us. We fell into a parent child relationship etc that harbored animosity. He did cheat on me with 1-2 call girls and sketchy massage parlors.. It's actually a lot more than what I put here because it's complicated and multiple layers but it was a way for him to act out and almost force my hand into divorce. Again.. a lot to.unpack here. I wasn't the perfect wife but after that we had the first heart to heart conversation in a very long time. It's gotten a lot.better since then and I forgave him. We now fight once a year at most.. but it's bad which is why I'm now on this site since my son's diagnosis. The once a year fight is still debilitating which is why I'm here and now I have some answers with why there are still these crazy fights.
This is how I found out. I would check if he has a Google voice account. He can call from there and not leave a trace. I had his passwords.. I would check what he's logging into, internet searches etc. I had my husband's logins and he used all the same pw. You can also check Google timeliness to see where he goes. This part wasn't that useful for me because when often works late but what I saw was the searches and the random #s. I Google those numbers and unfortunately were linked to pretty sketchy accounts.
If you do validate it and want what work throughout I would really suggest on not letting the hurt take over. We don't know why he did these things.. for me the reasons were things I absorbed and understood. Again a lot to unpack, super complicated but for me it made sense. Don't let society put a stigma on whatever you decide, if someone cheats doesnf always mean a Cheater and it's not always about the physical. We are complex people with jaded decision making skills at time and getting to the root of the behavior may help you navigate through it better.
Sending you all the hope and love during this difficult time
RDC
Thank you
Submitted by spacegirl on
Sorry you're going through this!
Submitted by RSchamess on
Two thoughts:
1. Some of the behaviors you identified are consistent with a diagnosis of narcissism (grandiosity, withdraw/pursue, disrespect of others, kids wrote him off, possibly lack of empathy?). I'd read up on that but don't expect him to change or even think he should change. But might help you make smart choices.
2. You don't sound happy in this marriage, and maybe you're not clear on why you're still in it? And think maybe you don't deserve better? Just questions I'd put to my own clients.
Good luck!
Phone bill
Submitted by Misspancakes on
Do you have a family phone account that you have access to the bill history? With Verizon at least you can actually look at call history and will see dates, numbers, time and length of call. If there's a chance he's just using his regular phone I would check, my now ex partner got sloppy and just used his regular mobile number and I saw the calls on our bill.