Before I say anything else, I want to thank everyone on this forum, who have helped with so much love, compassion and kindness despite my ignorance in so many ways now and in the past...if I've said anything that was hurtful or made people angry due to my own obliviousness. ( is that even a word ? ) Without knowing that I've done so, and I'm sure I have, I'm deeply sorry that I've been the cause of this hurt.
Which leads me to....
If it hadn't been for this forum, Melissa's book and her class, I never would have understood the concept of Symptom, Response, Response. This is exactly what has happened with myself and my SO who is also ADHD. Being able to recognize this dynamic happening has really helped me not take things too personally and remind myself that I'm part of this dynamic too. I've been watching myself constantly and making sure I'm doing my part in not making it worse. Nipping it in the bud so to speak.
Having two people who have ADHD together is like rubbing your head and patting your belling AND playing 3D Chess at the same time. Alot of things to watch for and think about including the fact that when I see her, it's like looking at myself in a mirror at times.
I've also been able to recognize the change in our relationship as we've just past the honeymoon phase of our relationship at just over 2 years. Again truly helpful when you start getting that "what's wrong here " feeling. Something has changed but it's more of a natural progression that happens to everyone. Experiencing SRR and being able to recognize is extremely helpful and I have this site and Melissa and all the people here who have been so tolerant and kind to thank.
Thank you.
J
'Symptom, response, symptom, response, etc.'
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Except it is actually 'Symptom, response, symptom, response, etc.' Forever.
More Like: Symptom ,Reaction, Reaction
Submitted by J on
Thinking about this.....
If you respond to something, that implies you're doing so in a somewhat controlled and thoughtful manner. That's not really the problem is it? If anyone involved in this dynamic is reacting, that implies they are doing it from an emotional place...a place without thought or reason?
But what if the person in position #2 does not react or respond to the symptom? Where does that energy go?
The story of the emporer who had 3 sons comes to mind.
An emporer designed a test to see which one of his sons would be suitable to be heir to his thrown amd everything he owned.
He placed a pillow above the door to his room and called each son in one at a time.
The first son opened the door, the pillow fell, the son drew his sword and skillfully sliced the pillow in half before it could hit the floor.
The second son when called, opened the door and stepped to the side allowing the pillow to fall to the floor without hitting him.
The third son went to opened the door...paused...then stepped back, not opening the door in the first place.
The emporer called his 3 sons to him and made his choice saying: only my 3rd and eldest son had the wisdom not to open the door when his intuition told him there was something there. He will be heir to my thrown and everything I own.
He made the second son, second in line to the thrown and he was made the 3rd sons right hand man.
The 1rst son, who cut the pillow in half, was sent away to go learn the lessons that he clearly needed to learm and was not allowed back until he did.
If you don't open the door and do nothing...there is no need to react or respond in any way. The energy dies right there and the dynamic ends.
Am I wrong or missing something here?
Follow Up....
Submitted by J on
In real life practice, my SO and I haven't had many, but there's been a few tense moments with anger involved. These moments all have one thing in common including the reason why they've happened. Same reason, same cause and same result every time.
The symptom: Kicking the dog behavior or...just taking out the cumulative stress and anxiety of work (mostly ) on everything around her, which turns into anger about things in general, and everything seems to annoy her including me. Walking into the room and seeing everything wrong first. A pervasive negative attitude that eventually turns against me ( the dog ) which usually takes the form of criticism....on a roll.
Her term for it : "grouchy" ( that's putting it mildly )
Red flags : "I hate everyone " ( in these moments, I'm an everyone too )
It definitely has a pattern, the same behavior every time, and it does come in cycles. Like a storm that you have to just sit out until it passes.
If I say anything to this behavior or have tried to talk about it....it simply doesn't end well. Any attempts by me always ends with...."just let it go".
All of this is related directly to her ADHD in some way or another. I'm pretty sure I understand ( for the most part ) what I'm seeing.
If I listen to only one thing she's said in any of these events....it's the last thing she says:
"Just let it go"
That's a pretty tall order, when you're feeling l like a verbal punching bag in the moment....that is, the dog being kicked. It also just incited a host of my own issues at the same time. RSD ( attachment theory )....or what have you.
Not opening the door has been the best course of action during these times. Until the storm passes.
And it does consistently....every time.
Not taking it personally and seeing this as a symptom is how I can process it through and accept it for what it is.
J
Burnout Cycle
Submitted by J on
I've been reading up on this and the effect it's been having on me and I definitely have most of the symptoms. At the very least, my SO has spotted some of them already and has been pointing them out to me without knowing anything about this cycle. The forgetful part especially which has been a source of irritation at times for her. This isn't just normal ADHD forgetful. It's more like spaced out "thousand yard stare" type forgetful with brain fog.
Just yesterday for example, at the end of my work day, I went to put my box full of jobs away as I normally do. There's a locked cabinet that goes into a safe where these go. I started walking to do so, and continued walking right past the cabinet across the room heading to who knows where?
One of my coworkers said: "where are you going?"I snapped out of it and laughed saying "don't ask". The problem here was not because I was distracted, thinking about something else of any of the usual ADHD suspects. This was brain dead. Not thinking about anything, not day dreaming at all. This was complete auto pilot...no brain activity at all!
That's not normal...even for me.
"The cycle can begin when someone with ADHD commits to a task that requires productivity."
Bingo. I work with my hands ( goldsmith/ diamond setter )....productivity is the name of the game. I'm always on the razors edge of just barely making the due dates. Not because I'm slow ( I'm extremely proficient and fast with 40 years in the business ) It's because the nature of the business means rush jobs are always coming at you you non-stop because of customers needs ( wedding dates, proposals, anniversaries etc ), the "immediate service" marketing model and the stores need for cash flow because the high cost of materials. That's an immovable fixture of my work. It's the same no matter where you go.
This is one of ( or group ) of MY symptoms .....
AND....I believe hers too ...at the same time... although her symptoms are not exactly the same as mine.
At the very least, I see the effects of work related stress from huge workloads which has been an ongoing topic for her too.
For me, this is a bit of a quandary because my work is all about deadlines. It's just part of the job and there's not much I can do about that. Being down one person in my department has just exacerbated this issue so I'm turning to ways to manage and treat myself. Getting back on Meds ( Adderall and Wellbutrin ) has been my first step.
Getting lots of sleep is a second ( just passing out after dinner mostly) has been another BUT....I'm effectively checked out for much of the evening sleeping ( our time together) which is a problem in itself.
Recognizing this has also been very helpful ...at least I know what's happening to me in real time.
J
Next step I'm taking.
Submitted by J on
I'm also going to show my SO some articles about this phenomenon and tell her this is what's currently happening with me.
I've also found an article specific to women with ADHD and the burnout cycle ( which I'm now more than a little sure she has too ...she's got all the signs....like 10 out of 10 ) and see what she thinks?
Wish me luck on that part....we'll see how that goes.
J