This is a personal hope, so I'm posting it here.

Despite what "is" my marriage I'm learning about the reclaiming self part.

Please don't think it's a downer, no matter how it starts out. It's a personal triumph.

Historically, in terms of my marriage, this has typically been one of the most emotionally devastating holidays for me.

Probably the worst, was the year, about three years back, that I was told we we going on a trip to spend a weekend together, directly previously to the holiday. Unfortunately, without my knowledge, that weekend morphed into a fishing trip for my husband. I sat in the room overlooking a beautiful view crying and alone. It culminated in him telling me I didn't need to come when I asked him about the fishing and weren't we going to spend any time together. Well, duh, I wouldn't have had I known. The dangling the carrot of rekindling our relationship was just too must to resist going in the first place.

This was obviously a torrent of tears as I arrived home. That is, obvious to everyone but my husband.

At that point he was fishing 2-3 times a week in addition to every weekend. This fishing didn't include me for anyone wondering why I didn't just go along. It was his escape du'jour at the moment and when it did involve me, it was generally a miserable experience. You see, I I do love fishing. I grew up with it. I'd never had my pole swiped away before when I'd landed a good spot, taking my tackle, whatever. I'd never had to listen to the idea that I was, "doing it wrong," or any of the other miserable shit that happened. You see, I love fishing, just not with him. I've never been treated like that by any other man. My father wasn't an extremely patient man, but still, this had never happened.

So I arrive home crying and go lie down. As I begin to take a nap he bursts in and says, "The kids want to know what we are doing for mother's day." I just started crying harder. 

He informs me I'm not his mother and so he didn't plan anything. Nevermind I mother our mixed brood blended family. See, this is probably something about expectations, he always did something for me for mother's day while we were dating. Marriage was a terrible, terrible 180, well beyond silly things like a Hallmark holiday.

One of the kids follows him in, I'm sure expectant of what we're doing as normally Mom makes holidays fun and sees me crying. That was the worst. Even now I think what he did to the children was unforgettable. They were waiting expectantly, not understanding why no preparation had happened. It was truly awful.

Anyway, on to the good. This will never happen to my children again.

This year, I shall make makes plans independent of this man I married that I thought would behave like a husband.

Many state parks are closing in my area. My children love camping. I will make plans to do that with them this weekend.

I will put outta my head this thing that didn't pan out in any normal sense. This thing called marriage.

I will resolve to make happy plans, no matter what. Doesn't matter if that happy doesn't include a husband. Truth be told, he probably has plans anyway.

I'll just ask my Auntie to take my daughter to buy the gift she's been hinting at. 

Time to buy marshmallows and move on with my life. No matter what the outcome.

Marshmallows, sign of overcoming the bondage of the belief I will ever have a partnership, a normal marriage, someone who actually loves me back, the things that are normal expectations. 

I will roast marshmallows and find peace, despite the fact none of that stuff will ever happen here.