Submitted by struggles2121 on 10/15/2022.
Sometimes my spouce lashes out with the nastiest things how do you not take it personal how do you not sigh and get frustrated? Im trying but it hurts so bad
Sometimes my spouce lashes out with the nastiest things how do you not take it personal how do you not sigh and get frustrated? Im trying but it hurts so bad
I don't know how to cope with
Submitted by LetsSee on
I don't know how to cope with this either
Same here
Submitted by Jarpu on
Hi, same here. My partner is not diagnosed, he sometimes has these outbursts and the incapability of accepting a different option from me, everything is criticism to him so he gets defensive. The way this affects me is that I suffer of PTSD and those are precisely my triggers. Please, advice.
Read up on Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is often a co-morbid condition with ADHD. It makes the ADHDer perceive almost any 'feedback' from you about his/her behavior as bitter condemnation. They then respond in a seemingly wildly overblown manner that supplants the original issue in a very ugly way. This behavior can often cause you to 'walk on eggshells' in the future hoping to avoid a similar conflagration. Until the day you can not 'not say anything' again. The cycle repeats and your despair grows.
Thanks for the reply.
Submitted by Jarpu on
It's exactly that, like walking on eggshells so I choose many times not to say anything. Or if I mark my boundaries with a 'please let me finish' or 'Dont use that tone with me' the answer is always 'you do that to me all the time!!!' which is not true and it really hurts. We've been together for just a couple of years and I have realized (or accept) about his ADHD a few weeks ago. I'm so grateful I've found this blog, it is really helping me as I thought I was the problem with my PTSD, in the relationship.
LOL....
Submitted by c ur self on
I just laughed when I read...."You do that to me all the time!!!".....that has been as automatic of a response for my wife as the sun coming up each morning....LOL,,,,,Denial, Blame, and failure of ownership makes Acceptance and walking away silently a must....It's like talking to a brick wall....We have to be smarter!!! LOL..That was the last thing to go for me (hardest) in years of learning to live peacefully with my wife....Never point out!...Walk away, laugh, and go live!!!.....I love her with my whole heart....But, I can never trust her in so many area's of life....It's not about love either! It's about the minds ability, bad habit's, and wanting to blame their issues on others....Self inflicted boundaries are a must when you have a spouse who can't calmly communicate about the reality of their living of life, and their behaviors.....We only poison our own emotions, and the relationship, when we attempt to confront it....We can leave for peace sake, or we can accept and not engage for peace sake....That's it, as long as defensiveness (refusal of ownership) is present as truth is calmly spoken.....Your marriage and my marriage (many reading here) will never favor other more normal marriages where calm communication and ownership is present.....Never think what do I want, always think what is possible....Never walk on eggshells....We put ourselves on eggshells when we allow a self absorbed mind to bully us, as they make life all about themselves.....Walk away! It don't mean we don't love them when we force them to be nice, by non-participation in dysfunctional or selfish behaviors....(never give in to control or manipulations attempts) Our life matters!...When I came off the eggshells about 5 years after we were married...She was in shock....I had blindly allowed myself to be controlled in many ways....We still barely vacation together, I can't trust that out of the blue an anger outburst want pop up and ruin the trip, if I tell her no to something she want's to force....Set boundaries on yourself, so you can eliminate those area's of conflict where kind sharing isn't possible....The more I just lived my life and held on to my boundaries, the more she had to deal w/ the women in the mirror (no one to blame)
I know it's difficult... Best wishes...Breathe and Live...Life is a gift, and we all have one of our own!
c
Thank you for that feedback
Submitted by YM on
Hi everyone. I want to thank c for his feedback. I think I'm reaching the "coming off the eggshells" phase of the relationship.
Here's my situation -- this is half-therapeutic and half-hoping-it-helps-someone.
My wife "blows up"... a lot. I'm pretty sure it's ADHD and rejection sensitive dysphoria, but she's undiagnosed and unwilling to take meds.
When we started dating, she was a teacher. She vented everyday about work but got angry if I suggested solutions. I figured - maybe wrongly - that the venting was just her way to process things, that it was her way to come to grips with her challenges and figure out what she needed to do. On average, that was maybe 30-60 minutes of venting per workday. And I cared about her and her work and her success, so I figured I'd just listen and be there for her. Just a (very quiet) sounding board. But she likes me and respects me and every so often when she "surfaced" from her venting, I'd get the cue that I could offer some feedback. I felt like a great boyfriend (now husband) and I believe she valued and still values my perspective.
Fast-forward 15 years. We are now in business together. We are successful, so this is not a money issue, but the complexity of what we deal with everyday is 100-fold compared to a teacher's job. And what I'm realizing now is that there is not end to the venting. It's related to stress I'm sure, but the daily "dealing with ADHD / complaining" is no longer bearable. There's just too much. I chose to be a supporting, active listener to let her process, but that is now turning into a 2, 3, or even 4-hour a day task. Of course, there really isn't that many free hours in the day, so we're in a vent-as-we-work situation, where I have to do my work and be psychological support at the same time. It's impossible, however well-intentioned one might be.
All of this to say: if the problem is ADHD and related symptoms to start with, there's no amount of good will that can fix it. Professional treatment seems (to me) to be the only solution.
My wife is brilliant - a genius, really. And she's funny, and caring, and delightful. But sometimes she's herself, and sometimes she's taken over by ADHD. That is just the truth. So setting boundaries is a first step. With a little luck, it's all we need. Either it kicks us back in a place where the ADHD is manageable without meds (doubtful), or she accepts that she needs professional help, or we break up. I am will to spend an inordinate amount of time to be a good husband. I am not ready to relinquish my life to ADHD's relentless demands.
Hope this helps someone out there.
-YM
YM
Submitted by c ur self on
Brilliantly spoken!....Suggestion...consider taking this post to a successful adhd therapist, or an experienced and successful counselor...(Go alone)... If nothing else to give you their opinions and new things to consider....I can tell by your post, that you love your wife, and you respect her, but I also know (been married 14 years here) exactly what you are dealing with, as best as any human can....Counseling needs to be about calm spoken truths, so I would not ask her to go in the beginning...She probably should also go alone if she is willing to for a session or two, or as long as it takes for ownership of reality to set in.......Nothing worse than spending good $'s for a pissing contest...It hurts my heart to see couples break up if ownership, grace and humility can open up to each of us in our own lives...
I'm going to pray you and you wife....
c
It hurts it feels like they
Submitted by struggles2121 on
It hurts it feels like they dont even like you sometimes
Verbal vomit just this morning!
Submitted by swampyankee on
Honestly? It's just pathetic now. I used to get hurt by it, but now it's just frustrating because it eats up a lot of time and interferes with the very real business of coordinating things for the family. My mistake is always trying to engage rationally.
This morning's rant ended with him promising never to talk to me again. Of course that's not practical as we have kids, so I finally just said "Okay" and walked away while he continued to mutter to himself.
Later in the afternoon I received replies to a whole bunch of older emails about all sorts of scheduling things, including one about a community dinner/forum that's happening in a few weeks, in which he explained that he'd signed himself up and included the link. I looked at the link he included and realized that instead of signing himself up for the forum, he signed himself up for child care. I decided not to point this out to him, but I did get a good case of the giggles.
Sometimes, you just have to laugh and move on.
Reminders
Submitted by Varden on
This is honestly the hardest thing. I feel like I get to this point where I can tell myself over and over that "it's just her adhd symptoms flaring", but it still is hard.
I try and focus on me in these moments to cope, which usually helps me forget somewhat quickly and also makes me feel good in a way she can't control. Though I do get sad when I ponder on a life of having to escape miscommunication with someone who I might marry.