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There was a thread started by me about a month ago. Lots of varied opinions on this topic. I am right there with you on this. It is soul crushing and abusive.
I have made it clear to my DH that I am no longer available for sex. Of course he is very angry about that. I really do not care anymore. I dont feel I am doing this out of spite or retaliation. It is a result of being treated with a lack of respect and care for 37 years.
I used to think that my DHs love language is touch. I realized that the only way he wants to touch me is sexual. No hand holding. No hugs. No arm around the shoulder. Nothing but grabbing at me wanting sex.
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this too. I will check out your thread to see the opinions there as well. My DH will show other forms of affection...as long as we've been intimate recently. If we skip sex then I'm completely shut out, which just fills me with more resentment. So what, I don't deserve love because you haven't had an orgasm in 8 hours?
I haven't had problems with my Boyfriend demanding sex. ( He has ADHD ). My ex husband was completely different. He didn't have ADHD, so he was just being a controlling and manipulative jerk.
When I was your husband's age I wanted sex often...Often meaning most day's sometimes multiply times a day, if it was a relaxed weekend....But, I do understand completely your point...Sex should be an act of oneness w/ two in agreement....The poor A.M. attitude being softened w/ sex...IMO...Just covered up a real problem....And created another one...If you give a child a lollipop for breakfast because they refuse to eat healthy...They will come to expect it, and the result of not getting it, will be tantrums (Spoiled)....That is what you have w/ your husband....You created a monster to a degree over the past 14 years...
When we give into dysfunctional behaviors in order to pacify another human, we aren't doing anyone any favors....And, IMO, based on my relationship...It's the very worst thing you can do where the person lives in a self centered type mind, (unable to put themselves in other's shoes) or, is just prone to addictions, (lacks self-discipline)...My wife struggles w/ all of the things I just listed, and I do blame some of it on her add mind...(Not all)...
I am 61, and would enjoy love making 3 to 5 times a week, if my wife was still available...We average 5 to 7 times a month now, due to her lack of desire....I agree w/ you, for the most part, love making should be just that...Times of closeness, w/ intimacy...But again, IMO, we shouldn't get to stuck in a mind of rules....Some of the best sex we've had happened spontaneously, in places like the closet, bathroom, couch or floor. But age and dryness cause's her to need all her tools (Replens, coconut oil, towels, candle light, love music.) LOL....I'm not complaining at all!!...I am thankful for all of those wonderful moments of intimacy...(penetration or not).....Beside's I'm the one who loves the candle light, and the music;)
You and your husband, could use a third party to speak into this...I would suggest a good marriage counselor...It's obvious that he isn't hearing you....And he is being selfish (He is spoiled to getting his way)...It sounds like to me, he is highly addicted to the dopamine rush of an orgasm...Everyone who enjoy's sex does to a degree...But, it sounds like he is blind to the effects it is having on you emotionally, if not in other ways....
You're the one who see's the dysfunction in it, so you are the one who must take the bull by the horn here, (no pun intended)...I would set some boundaries, and encourage him to seek counseling w/ you....
What you husband needs to understand is....You are in your prime for sexual enjoyment...He sure needs to back off, and not ruin these wonderful years for the both of you!...He really needs to get that...But you aren't the one who he will listen to....When a man is blessed w/ a wife, who is open and approachable to share her body in a loving and pure state...(Normal)....He should be so thankful for that...Because there are so many who burnt themselves out sexually before marriage, or was raped or abused....That never learn to submit their bodies to their spouse....That of course goes for some men a well....Your husband needs to wake up, and start counting his blessings
With my ex, I found that I could not "submit" to him, because he treated me like garbage. His constant criticism and verbal abuse wore me down. I lost all respect for him due to no personal hygiene. I often wondered " If I'm so disgusting to you, and a horrible wife, and the source of ALL your problems, why would you want to have sex with me?" It took me years to understand that it was not about me, it was him.
A husband has no right to sex or anything else. It is a gift for both husband and wife to share with each other. When the husband makes it all about him "getting off", it ceases to be enjoyable for his wife.
I am trying to understand the same thing. He is so disgusted by me. Why does he want sex with someone he can't stand?
The same goes with bugging to go on holidays or go out.. really why?!? He treats me like I am a total burden and pain in the neck. No I do not want to go anywhere with him.
there is much wisdom in wedding vows, most of the christian denominations have overlapping words and themes regarding respect and honor and good times and bad and it is not a coincidence...
Apache wedding vows:
Treat yourselves and each other with respect, and remind yourselves often of what brought you together. Give the highest priority to the tenderness, gentleness and kindness that your connection deserves. When frustration, difficulty and fear assail your relationship - as they threaten all relationships at one time or another - remember to focus on what is right between you, not only the part which seems wrong. In this way, you can ride out the storms when clouds hide the face of the sun in your lives - remembering that even if you lose sight of it for a moment, the sun is still there. And if each of you takes responsibility for the quality of your life together, it will be marked by abundance and delight.
(The same goes with bugging to go on holidays or go out.. really why?!? He treats me like I am a total burden and pain in the neck. No I do not want to go anywhere with him.)
Many of us experience these same behaviors with our spouses....I have to pick carefully what I do with her....(Many things are instant abandonment, and instant conflict, if we as spouse's aren't expecting it, and refuse to react to it)...I've found it's just better to not put myself into those positions...She don't understand why I want do much w/ her any longer (Esp. when she makes the plan to travel to see other friends or family members)...She is blind to her actions (results of her hyper focus) and her abandonment of me....When I point it out, she tries to turn it on me, and just justifies it...(completely unable to see her self, or put herself in my shoes)....So what are the effects on a spouse, and what does out of control hyper focus feel like, and look like to the spouse??
Well your post stated it just fine....It feels unloving, not cared for, it ruins trips for you, because out of control hyper focus renders them unapproachable, for anything but what they are locked on to....Their mind is completely void of life's big picture....Their responsibilities in marriage don't exist during these times....I recognize it most of the time now, (after 10 years of being subjected to not existing during these times)...The last nine visits or trips she made out of town for a few days, I went on two...And one of them, I got abandoned by her, and had to entertain myself for hours...But I was expecting it, and I'm a big boy, I don't need her to enjoy myself....I always take my car, so I never get stranded...
The effects of hyper focus, the effects of limited self discipline and self control, isn't intentional....But me and you, and about a zillion more here can testify that, intentional or not....The results are the same when it comes to what we are put through, as we attempt to come along side our spouse's in this life....
This isn't a indictment of all add minds, it's just my experience, and the boundaries I have had to invoke, in order to have as peaceful of a life as possible with my wife....
Thank you for this. I really needed to hear this today. Just wondering how you deal with other people's questions about your marriage dynamics. Since I have quit doing a lot of things with my DH people have asked if I'm ok. Maybe it's because I am a private person or maybe I don't think they will believe what my life is like but I tend to not tell them anything. I get tired of smiling and saying I'm fine.
I have really worked hard here...(my own weakness)...In our early years (married at 51, she was 46) I was so overwhelmed by her behaviors....(Had no idea anyone lived this way) I would reach out to our adult children, but, that wasn't fair to them, nor could they possibly understand...My youngest daughter in her thirties, just cried, and said Dad we just want you to be happy...It broke my heart, and I realized I had to give it to Jesus, and him alone....He is the one who can give me peace, and bring awareness to us both....
I started to leave many times, but, I did not want to do that....I knew if I depended on the Lord, that he would give me his peace, and regardless of how she approached being a wife, he would take me through it....
Our adult children see it, but, they are wise young adults, and just try to love her, no matter what her behaviors are....(They will and have confronted her, at times) They know any changes will have to come from inside her, just like any of us....Also, they get to leave and go home ;)...No, you don't need a package answer for your friends and acquaintances...Just live as peaceful as possible, and when someone asks...Just say I'm fine, if you are fine....Our marriage relationships may never be ideal, But I've come to understand, that that doesn't mean doom for me, It has no effect on God's love for me...It has no effects on my children and grand babies love for me. It has no effect on my brother's and sisters love for me....Add is a terrible deterrent to oneness, and unity, but, the reality is, it really doesn't effect my wife's love for me....But it drastically limits her ability to show it.....We have to have boundaries though...If you aren't being respected you MUST step up and set boundaries to limit the disrespect and intrusiveness..That's a must to stay in my view...
OMG. Well. All I can say is that you really must be an amazingly tolerant person, and THEN some. Well, there is probably a whole lot of male entitlement going on here that is separate from the ADHD. I do see my situation in yours, only on a FAR less frequent basis and that has caused no end of conflict. For many years we have struggled with this. I don't think ADHD affects my sex drive, other than the fact that we are inherently drawn to 'stimulating' activity. I don't really know though. I have to say I do find myself becoming increasingly frustrated and struggle to control my emotions after a month or so, I have long struggled with whether this my male sense of entitlement, and if so, then something I am ashamed of, or is simply that I need to feel love as a physical expression at least once in a blue moon if I am otherwise engaged in all the other rituals of being in a relationship.
I have so say, you must be exhausted and in my view this expectation he is NOT being reasonable. Heck, I don't even know how you would find 3 lengths of adequate free time in a day if your house is anything like mine.
How to deal with the tantrum though is a bit of an issue. I know it sounds trite, but have you tried to sit down in a neutral environment and telling him that you just don't have the same level of sex drive and that you can't sustain 2 or 3 or whatever times every day?
Is he ever amendable to compromise?
Maybe some concept of less is more, but bargain on mixing it up a bit/going places together etc so that it's noy just some itch to scratch but something to look forward to and get exited about? (if possible for YOU of course).
You know, I don't think that having sex with someone so that they are an ogre for everyone in the household constitutes true consent. It's a kind of duress where you are 'expected' to do it. Anyway, that may be beside the point but I have long pondered this in my own relationship. My point is I guess, that you should feel it is not at ALL unreasonable for you to tell him he needs to pull his head in, so to speak.
There was a thread started by
Submitted by Libby on
There was a thread started by me about a month ago. Lots of varied opinions on this topic. I am right there with you on this. It is soul crushing and abusive.
I have made it clear to my DH that I am no longer available for sex. Of course he is very angry about that. I really do not care anymore. I dont feel I am doing this out of spite or retaliation. It is a result of being treated with a lack of respect and care for 37 years.
I used to think that my DHs
Submitted by Libby on
I used to think that my DHs love language is touch. I realized that the only way he wants to touch me is sexual. No hand holding. No hugs. No arm around the shoulder. Nothing but grabbing at me wanting sex.
I'm sorry that you have to
Submitted by cmo22 (not verified) on
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this too. I will check out your thread to see the opinions there as well. My DH will show other forms of affection...as long as we've been intimate recently. If we skip sex then I'm completely shut out, which just fills me with more resentment. So what, I don't deserve love because you haven't had an orgasm in 8 hours?
Demanding.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I haven't had problems with my Boyfriend demanding sex. ( He has ADHD ). My ex husband was completely different. He didn't have ADHD, so he was just being a controlling and manipulative jerk.
As a man w/ a high sex drive, I understand his desire...
Submitted by c ur self on
When I was your husband's age I wanted sex often...Often meaning most day's sometimes multiply times a day, if it was a relaxed weekend....But, I do understand completely your point...Sex should be an act of oneness w/ two in agreement....The poor A.M. attitude being softened w/ sex...IMO...Just covered up a real problem....And created another one...If you give a child a lollipop for breakfast because they refuse to eat healthy...They will come to expect it, and the result of not getting it, will be tantrums (Spoiled)....That is what you have w/ your husband....You created a monster to a degree over the past 14 years...
When we give into dysfunctional behaviors in order to pacify another human, we aren't doing anyone any favors....And, IMO, based on my relationship...It's the very worst thing you can do where the person lives in a self centered type mind, (unable to put themselves in other's shoes) or, is just prone to addictions, (lacks self-discipline)...My wife struggles w/ all of the things I just listed, and I do blame some of it on her add mind...(Not all)...
I am 61, and would enjoy love making 3 to 5 times a week, if my wife was still available...We average 5 to 7 times a month now, due to her lack of desire....I agree w/ you, for the most part, love making should be just that...Times of closeness, w/ intimacy...But again, IMO, we shouldn't get to stuck in a mind of rules....Some of the best sex we've had happened spontaneously, in places like the closet, bathroom, couch or floor. But age and dryness cause's her to need all her tools (Replens, coconut oil, towels, candle light, love music.) LOL....I'm not complaining at all!!...I am thankful for all of those wonderful moments of intimacy...(penetration or not).....Beside's I'm the one who loves the candle light, and the music;)
You and your husband, could use a third party to speak into this...I would suggest a good marriage counselor...It's obvious that he isn't hearing you....And he is being selfish (He is spoiled to getting his way)...It sounds like to me, he is highly addicted to the dopamine rush of an orgasm...Everyone who enjoy's sex does to a degree...But, it sounds like he is blind to the effects it is having on you emotionally, if not in other ways....
You're the one who see's the dysfunction in it, so you are the one who must take the bull by the horn here, (no pun intended)...I would set some boundaries, and encourage him to seek counseling w/ you....
What you husband needs to understand is....You are in your prime for sexual enjoyment...He sure needs to back off, and not ruin these wonderful years for the both of you!...He really needs to get that...But you aren't the one who he will listen to....When a man is blessed w/ a wife, who is open and approachable to share her body in a loving and pure state...(Normal)....He should be so thankful for that...Because there are so many who burnt themselves out sexually before marriage, or was raped or abused....That never learn to submit their bodies to their spouse....That of course goes for some men a well....Your husband needs to wake up, and start counting his blessings
Blessings
c
Submitting
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
With my ex, I found that I could not "submit" to him, because he treated me like garbage. His constant criticism and verbal abuse wore me down. I lost all respect for him due to no personal hygiene. I often wondered " If I'm so disgusting to you, and a horrible wife, and the source of ALL your problems, why would you want to have sex with me?" It took me years to understand that it was not about me, it was him.
A husband has no right to sex or anything else. It is a gift for both husband and wife to share with each other. When the husband makes it all about him "getting off", it ceases to be enjoyable for his wife.
I am trying to understand the
Submitted by Libby on
I am trying to understand the same thing. He is so disgusted by me. Why does he want sex with someone he can't stand?
The same goes with bugging to go on holidays or go out.. really why?!? He treats me like I am a total burden and pain in the neck. No I do not want to go anywhere with him.
mutual respect & vows
Submitted by husband33 on
there is much wisdom in wedding vows, most of the christian denominations have overlapping words and themes regarding respect and honor and good times and bad and it is not a coincidence...
Apache wedding vows:
Treat yourselves and each other with respect, and remind yourselves often of what brought you together. Give the highest priority to the tenderness, gentleness and kindness that your connection deserves. When frustration, difficulty and fear assail your relationship - as they threaten all relationships at one time or another - remember to focus on what is right between you, not only the part which seems wrong. In this way, you can ride out the storms when clouds hide the face of the sun in your lives - remembering that even if you lose sight of it for a moment, the sun is still there. And if each of you takes responsibility for the quality of your life together, it will be marked by abundance and delight.
It's out of control hyperfocus Libby....
Submitted by c ur self on
(The same goes with bugging to go on holidays or go out.. really why?!? He treats me like I am a total burden and pain in the neck. No I do not want to go anywhere with him.)
Many of us experience these same behaviors with our spouses....I have to pick carefully what I do with her....(Many things are instant abandonment, and instant conflict, if we as spouse's aren't expecting it, and refuse to react to it)...I've found it's just better to not put myself into those positions...She don't understand why I want do much w/ her any longer (Esp. when she makes the plan to travel to see other friends or family members)...She is blind to her actions (results of her hyper focus) and her abandonment of me....When I point it out, she tries to turn it on me, and just justifies it...(completely unable to see her self, or put herself in my shoes)....So what are the effects on a spouse, and what does out of control hyper focus feel like, and look like to the spouse??
Well your post stated it just fine....It feels unloving, not cared for, it ruins trips for you, because out of control hyper focus renders them unapproachable, for anything but what they are locked on to....Their mind is completely void of life's big picture....Their responsibilities in marriage don't exist during these times....I recognize it most of the time now, (after 10 years of being subjected to not existing during these times)...The last nine visits or trips she made out of town for a few days, I went on two...And one of them, I got abandoned by her, and had to entertain myself for hours...But I was expecting it, and I'm a big boy, I don't need her to enjoy myself....I always take my car, so I never get stranded...
The effects of hyper focus, the effects of limited self discipline and self control, isn't intentional....But me and you, and about a zillion more here can testify that, intentional or not....The results are the same when it comes to what we are put through, as we attempt to come along side our spouse's in this life....
This isn't a indictment of all add minds, it's just my experience, and the boundaries I have had to invoke, in order to have as peaceful of a life as possible with my wife....
c
Thank you for this. I really
Submitted by Libby on
Thank you for this. I really needed to hear this today. Just wondering how you deal with other people's questions about your marriage dynamics. Since I have quit doing a lot of things with my DH people have asked if I'm ok. Maybe it's because I am a private person or maybe I don't think they will believe what my life is like but I tend to not tell them anything. I get tired of smiling and saying I'm fine.
Remaining silent
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I too am a private person. But looking back, I wish I had said something to someone. No one had any idea of what my life was like
That's a tough one Libby....
Submitted by c ur self on
I have really worked hard here...(my own weakness)...In our early years (married at 51, she was 46) I was so overwhelmed by her behaviors....(Had no idea anyone lived this way) I would reach out to our adult children, but, that wasn't fair to them, nor could they possibly understand...My youngest daughter in her thirties, just cried, and said Dad we just want you to be happy...It broke my heart, and I realized I had to give it to Jesus, and him alone....He is the one who can give me peace, and bring awareness to us both....
I started to leave many times, but, I did not want to do that....I knew if I depended on the Lord, that he would give me his peace, and regardless of how she approached being a wife, he would take me through it....
Our adult children see it, but, they are wise young adults, and just try to love her, no matter what her behaviors are....(They will and have confronted her, at times) They know any changes will have to come from inside her, just like any of us....Also, they get to leave and go home ;)...No, you don't need a package answer for your friends and acquaintances...Just live as peaceful as possible, and when someone asks...Just say I'm fine, if you are fine....Our marriage relationships may never be ideal, But I've come to understand, that that doesn't mean doom for me, It has no effect on God's love for me...It has no effects on my children and grand babies love for me. It has no effect on my brother's and sisters love for me....Add is a terrible deterrent to oneness, and unity, but, the reality is, it really doesn't effect my wife's love for me....But it drastically limits her ability to show it.....We have to have boundaries though...If you aren't being respected you MUST step up and set boundaries to limit the disrespect and intrusiveness..That's a must to stay in my view...
c
OMG. Well. All I can say is
Submitted by Jon on
OMG. Well. All I can say is that you really must be an amazingly tolerant person, and THEN some. Well, there is probably a whole lot of male entitlement going on here that is separate from the ADHD. I do see my situation in yours, only on a FAR less frequent basis and that has caused no end of conflict. For many years we have struggled with this. I don't think ADHD affects my sex drive, other than the fact that we are inherently drawn to 'stimulating' activity. I don't really know though. I have to say I do find myself becoming increasingly frustrated and struggle to control my emotions after a month or so, I have long struggled with whether this my male sense of entitlement, and if so, then something I am ashamed of, or is simply that I need to feel love as a physical expression at least once in a blue moon if I am otherwise engaged in all the other rituals of being in a relationship.
I have so say, you must be exhausted and in my view this expectation he is NOT being reasonable. Heck, I don't even know how you would find 3 lengths of adequate free time in a day if your house is anything like mine.
How to deal with the tantrum though is a bit of an issue. I know it sounds trite, but have you tried to sit down in a neutral environment and telling him that you just don't have the same level of sex drive and that you can't sustain 2 or 3 or whatever times every day?
Is he ever amendable to compromise?
Maybe some concept of less is more, but bargain on mixing it up a bit/going places together etc so that it's noy just some itch to scratch but something to look forward to and get exited about? (if possible for YOU of course).
You know, I don't think that having sex with someone so that they are an ogre for everyone in the household constitutes true consent. It's a kind of duress where you are 'expected' to do it. Anyway, that may be beside the point but I have long pondered this in my own relationship. My point is I guess, that you should feel it is not at ALL unreasonable for you to tell him he needs to pull his head in, so to speak.