Submitted by Sabigail on 10/02/2020.
I know that my husband has ADHD, but he does not. I am trying to figure out how to talk to him about this diagnosis. I can say he has it with confidence because I am a psychotherapist. This only makes it harder to talk to him about social and emotional issues because he does not want me using my "therapy" on him. How do I get this information into his brain? It is at the core of our marriage difficulties and after 35+ years of marriage, I am not sure we will make it one more.
Hi Sabigail
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I struggled and sometimes still do with communicating information about ADHD to my husband. He often gets angry, defensive. blames me, closes it off, etc. However, I think it's really important for you be heard, as a resistant as he might be to the message. I have kept a lot inside throughout the years of dealing with ADHD behaviours. I now realize I feel better when I've said my piece (most often kindly), regardless of the reaction. The first time I brought up ADHD to my husband, he scoffed at it and assumed I was picking at him or calling him deficient in some way (despite a really light-handed approach I'd thought out well in advance). It took him years to see that yes, perhaps he did have ADHD. I can see how much harder this discussion is going to be for you given your profession.
Perhaps there is an article out there that might help that you could show him (written by an expert other than you). I showed my husband an article that started out listing typical ADHD issues in a marriage and it just rang so true for our situation. It's hard to ignore an article that described our dysfunction so perfectly and attributes these specific dysfunctions to ADHD. Even my husband had to admit, "Yes, this sounds exactly like us."
If you're not sure you'll make it another year anyway, you probably don't have a lot to lose. I am sorry for what you are going through.
Thank you Melody
Submitted by Sabigail on
First of all, I love your name! Thanks for the encouragement. I have so many articles I want to share with him. Recently I started learning about rejection sensitivity. He is even more complicated because he is profoundly gifted. it is a bad mix. I have been wrapping my head around the gifted part, but am new to seriously looking at ADHD for him. I wonder if Melissa has script in any of her books to guide this first conversation. I am currently reading "the ADHD Effect on Marriage," and and so sad reading about understanding the ADHD spouse. It obviously really sucks to be him too. I am starting to craft the conversation myself, but just wondering if there are some dos and don'ts I am not aware of.
Hi Abigail
Submitted by c ur self on
I suggest you look at the reality of the day to day dynamic going on with you two....Our IQ's, our talents, and gifts aren't something that will help us communicate, when the subject matter is about something one or both of us don't want to face, or can't see....Keep it simple (factual) and target the reality being his wife....That way, maybe he can hear you...If you cloud it up w/ diagnosing him, you may lose him right off, and never be heard again....He loves himself, as you do (we all do)...And we all want to feel good about ourselves.....It's extremely difficult to tell someone they are messed up, when they know, (in their minds) they are fine...So I would keep it about the reality of your unhappiness...If he loves you, that should be enough to at least get him thinking...
Best wishes to you both...
c