I am having a hard time lately. I am staying in my marriage for now to avoid sharing custody with my adhd spouse because of how detrimental/dangerous that would be for our daughter. But I have a long road ahead if I stay until she is 18 (she's almost 11 now) and it is wearing on me.
I don't want couples therapy (well, I did in the past, but my husband repeatedly refused). Rather I am wondering if anyone could pipe in on their experiences with individual therapy.
For me it will be an expenditure that I can barely afford, but I'm wondering if my mental health is worth it. I feel sad and angry a lot and fantasize about my life after this dark period is finally over. I am having a hard time dealing with staying for so many more years, with maintaining civility with my husband and with doing so much of the earning/parenting/household work on my own.
I live in Canada and there are some limited free counseling options. However, in my past experience with seeking cheaper free counseling for my daughter (for anxiety), I found you get what you pay for.
Anyway, can anyone comment on if individual therapy has been worthwhile and how so? Why type? If it was not worth it for you, or if something else worked for you (a book, meditation, exercise), I would also like to hear that.
Thank you all as usual. :)
Therapy/Counseling
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Before my divorce, I went to individual counseling, and found someone that was able to see me on a sliding fee scale, as our insurance was not accepted. I was a stay at home parent, and had little money.
The therapist helped me to see things that I could not...and it was just what I needed. My ex-husband and I went to couples counseling after that, and it was a waste of time. He refused to own up to his part in anything, and blamed everything on me.
Sometimes it helps to talk to an impartial 3rd party.
Alanon may be worth a shot.
Submitted by Libby on
Alanon may be worth a shot. It is not counseling but I find it very helpful and have learned a lot about dealing with a marriage that is troubled. And it's free!
Alanon
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I agree. Alanon provided me with great support when I needed it.
The right therapist is important.
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
I've been in therapy off and on for quite some time. I find it helps to have an impartial, non-judgemental person to talk to and more importantly, who can ask you the right questions. It took me a little while to find the right person and I stopped seeing the first few, for a variety of reasons. (It's like any relationship.. you have to click) I've been seeing the person I'm with now for over 10 years. At first I saw her once a week or once every couple of weeks and now I call her on an as needed basis.
I found that the biggest benefit was that she asks me the hard questions in order to help me to decide for myself what it is I want to do. With her expertise, she can often see what I may not see (or what I may not want to see... ) and /or make connections that I might not otherwise be able to. She always asks me, though, what *I* think is going on... rather than tell me what she would do or what she thinks I should do ...(like friend/parent might)... rather.. she provides guidance, support, empowerment and helps me to peel back the layers of MY particular onion to get to whatever is really going on for me. It is uniquely tailored to me, my history and my goals. I come up with the topic, I decide how far I want to go with it and she helps steer, so that *I* can do the work, come to my own conclusions and then take action.
If I cannot immediately change what I want to change, she also helps me to come up with ways to stay grounded, cultivate good coping skills and care for myself during the process. This is equally as important as connecting the dots.
It's not easy but, I have found it to be very worthwhile. I have made some big changes and had some very powerful insights during the course of our work.
I hope that helps. :-)
PS: Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. You are worth it. (hug)
I agree with CaliforniaGirl
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I agree with CaliforniaGirl and can't say it better than she did.
Oh honey, I have been where
Submitted by dvance on
Oh honey, I have been where you are. I know you have read other posts of mine. I can say from experience, support from a therapist is worth every penny. If you go to one person and it's not the right fit, try someone else. Seriously. It may take three or four tries but it will be worth it in the long run. Even if you can only go every other week. It is so helpful. A good counselor can let you vent but nip it in the bud when venting becomes unproductive. They can help you make plans and set goals for yourself, hold you accountable, suggest new things to try, recommend books or websites that might help. I have seen my counselor off and on for years and she has been invaluable to me negotiating all of this crap. Just the idea that someone has your back--for most of us that is a new feeling. I really don't care that I am paying them to have my back, just pleased they do. She is a married mom of two, right around my age. I found that having another working mom was helpful to me-even if her husband isn't ADHD (I wouldn't know) she for sure knows what it's like to have many balls in the air. Your mental health is worth it. You may surprise yourself and decide to leave anyway. Another friend of mine with a useless ADHD husband had similar concerns--worried about shared custody because her DH was so negligent when they WERE married, how would he possibly be responsible when they were separated?? And you know what?? They split and he moved out of state and relinquished custody and it's a non-issue. I say this only because you never know how things will play out. I fully understand your concern--I stayed longer than I would have because I worried DH would disappear from the boys lives or fail to maintain a job so as not to pay us or not take care of himself and have a break down like he did seven years ago (he was suicidal and left for 6 months--still don't know where he was during that time). Your soul is going to wither and die if you stay this unhappy for that long and I doubt that's the kind of mama you want to show your daughter. Again, I say this as a guilty party myself--my boys have NOT seen a healthy functional marriage AT ALL and that's on me. My DH is a total loser and they think he hung the moon. They don't see us talk, do things together, be physical, enjoy each other's company, nothing. I am to the point that when I am able to split, I don't want to see him, talk to him, hear about him, nothing--just be gone and leave me alone. Couples therapy was useless for us as well, so I get not wanting that. My DH has zero follow through, so nothing we discussed there actually ever changed for any sustained time period. His behaviors have just gotten weirder and weirder the older he has gotten and I want out so bad I can taste it.
One piece of advice I got from somewhere (can't remember) that actually resonated with me is pretend you're single-practice. That made sense to me. Do what you want with your daughter--he likely doesn't notice or care. Make the financial decisions-you probably do anyway-don't even ask him or discuss it. Think about what house stuff you MUST do for your sanity and what you can let slide--everyone has those things. When my guys were younger, we ate oatmeal or scrambled eggs or mac and cheese for dinner a lot if I was tired, not because we were broke and nobody minded. You'd be surprised how low kids' standards are!! I hope I don't sound bossy or preachy because god knows I have not done things the way I wish I had so who am I to talk. I do know what it's like to be stuck somewhere for a length of time that seems endless. If we choose to stay there are things we can do to make it at least livable. If there is actual abuse, you have to get out right away. You know that right?? Do you have hobbies that you like? Friends? Fellow parents? A faith community? Do you workout? Meditate? Journal? None of things will substitute for a good therapist but they help too. It's so hard to keep yourself steady when the other person in your house does everything in their power to stir everything up all the time. And it's so hard to keep giving and never get filled back up. I don't have an answer for that. Lots of us here are running on very-close-to-empty a lot of the time. Speaking only for myself, I am getting zero emotional support at home, zero physical intimacy of any kind. That is just my reality, has been for a while. You get used to it. I don't love it, who would. Friends help. Satisfying work helps. Get as much sleep as you can. If a therapist recommends an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety med-TAKE IT. Avail yourself of every ounce of support you can find. If that is a pill-yay and thank god they are available. No shame in that. Most working moms I know are on something-it's almost an occupational hazard these days.
Okay--I hope I wasn't too obnoxious. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug.
dvance, this spoke to me. Thanks.
Submitted by jennalemone on
This is where I am too. I had good counselor for quite a while. I couldn't make myself leave even with her help. I am ashamed that I stayed, but that was my decision. And yes, even to this day, I am disappointed in myself that my children did not see a happy marriage. It affects their relationships on how they saw their parents together (or not). All the things you wrote, are very true in my life also.
Great advice
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Yes, we are definitely in similar positions and I know you have already weathered the child-rearing years and come out alive on the other side... good to know!
Happily I can say I know I want to leave. Getting to that place took me years and took me dark places. I would say things are better now than those painful years being in the "in-between." Trying tirelessly, basically bashing him over the head with how much I wanted us to work on things and being repeatedly met with a shrug via his actions was THE worst. But now I have this new "How will I make it until then?" cloud hanging over me and I underestimated how difficult that would be.
You are correct - I have lived like I'm single for years. We still attend each other's family events and he shows up for dinner most nights, but otherwise we do little as a family. He doesn't notice/care what my daughter and I do together just as you've said. I make most decisions like I'm single/a single parent. And thank you for caring and checking... he is not abusive.
I talk to my mom on the phone every day and meditate. Both are great. I work at home alone, so I am probably more secluded than is healthy. I have friends, but my best ones live a distance away and others are as busy as I am so we don't physically see each other often. In addition to therapy, I think I need to find some time to gain more friends by joining a group or getting out more in some way. It is difficult when I'm always working or parenting or managing the household, but I think I need to find something to let go so I can make some more healthy connections.
Like you suggested, I may leave sooner and the chips will fall where they may. I dread the worst case scenarios of leaving though. With legal help, perhaps they are unlikely to play out, but they are true possibilities.
Thank you for your so well-thought-out reply. It did not at all come across preachy or obnoxious... it was just what I needed.
Thank you all
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who took the time to share experiences. It has helped so much to hear about what helped. I think I am afraid of that search for the right therapist along with spending the money on myself and it sounds like it is truly worth getting over those humps. I am also so scared to share my story. Other than here, I don't say these things out loud. Some people know my husband has ADHD, but they have no idea what that means for the relationship. Where do I even start with all this!? But you've all made me see the benefits of making that start and I appreciate that. ♥
If you can..
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
If you can find a therapist who has experience with ADHD that would likely be helpful. And not just a passing glance with it, but some sort of depth. It's ok to ask them... and it's also ok to leave if they don't have the knowledge you require. You are basically hiring them to help you. You'll want to make sure they have the qualifications you're looking for so that your time and money is well spent. :-)
I know it's scary to talk about personal things, but it's ok. You can always say "I'm not sure I can talk about that right now." or "I'm feeling uncomfortable." or "I'm not sure how to say what I'm feeling" ..or some variation thereof... and you can leave if you need to. It's all ok.