I jokingly like refer to myself as a wife who was in a previous life a man who did not appreciate his wife. I feel that this relationship is the purgatory I have to go thru to redeem myself. My question is that after 22 years, I am exhausted, depressed, angry.... and some, and really really doubtful this could ever work. Especially considering his constant unkept promises. Yes there has been progress very recently, but I feel at the end of my rope and that its just too little, too late. I started reading Melissa's book on the ADHD effect on marriage, it is SO painful, I usually cannot read more than a couple of paragraph without melting into tears and then having to put down the book. And when I look at the advice, honestly, I think: "Who we're kidding here, how am I ever going to stop the nagging and the abuse (mine to him) that's the only thing that ever works!"
Enough rambling, but if anyone out there has been in a long term relationship, and is able to respond, I'd love to hear from you. Anyway its good to just post my frustration here, nobody else would understand (at some point in my life, even I did not understand, I thought I was just plain crazy)
Tired and really sad.
I've been married 19 years,
Submitted by Hermie40 (not verified) on
Thanks!
Submitted by did not appreci... on
I totally hear what you are saying. I am actually posting on this site because we have started working on Ms Orlov's book. It is sooooooooo painful to read, as it describe so accurately the dynamics of the pain of all these years. Honestly as I read the advice for the non-ADHD spouse (and like you say its awfully hard to turn the corner at this point) my reaction has been often either disbelief or anger! And yet I know I am 'lucky' in that my husband does recognize his condition, is finally willing to take his meds, and is finally agreeing to counseling and even seeing a coach specializing in ADHD. I just find it so hard to have the willingness to do my part, it seems so hopeless and facing the pain takes more courage than I feel right now. As I write I am struggling with my tears (maybe I should not ;-) and I just asked my spouse about this pain I feel: "who gains by it?", maybe a rhetorical question, but in practice I am not able to justify the pain and fight it so hard, that I am just hurting more. I feel caught in this web, and the more I struggle the worse it gets. What I really need would be to step out of my skin for a little and gain some perspective on the situation, but life does go on, and the option of just stepping out is just not available here and now.
Again thanks for your encouraging post, like the saying goes 'pain shared is pain halved'
You may also find it helpful
Submitted by Hermie40 (not verified) on
Makes a lot of sense
Submitted by did not appreci... on
Thanks Hermie40!
I do have a counselor, but I have not been working regularly with her. She is very good, we just both had a session with her recently and we were both impressed how skillfully she handled the very specific crisis we were in at that point. She did mention then that she sees that I am in lot of pain, and that I do have to deal with it regardless of where my relationship is headed. Honest, I am scared like anything, just thinking of the pain and I feel like dissolving in tears. Well I guess that may be just what I need! Hopefully with her help I'll get there (tears or safer place or both), I do have to work with her more regularly. The only drawback is that she has limited experience with ADHD, I am trying to ask her to at least go thru Melissa O's book, b/c it represents such a true picture of our relationship, and I feel it would be helpful if she could also guide me in the specific behaviors recommended by Melissa. Tough, tough work though and I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth, please G-d let me hold on long enough to save at least myself (would be nice if the relationship could be salvaged too!!!)
Thanks.