My H is not self-aware at all. First of all, he talks constantly, unless he is distracted by TV, the internet or something else. When he's distracted, then he "allows" silence. When he's not distracted, then I better be "at the ready" to listen to his non-stop drivel. I relish the times that he's at the gym, but since he works from home, he's around 24/7. I run a business from home as well. He has little/no respect for the time I must spend on my business. He will "say" that he does, but in truth, he can barely keep quiet for a minute while I'm working on something....he'll constantly say, "are you done"? Lately he has been claiming that he's "talking a lot less"....no, he's not. He gets angry if I suggest tape-recording him....likely because he doesn't want to be faced with facts that will contradict his claims. What can I do?
Is there a way to help an ADHD Spouse to become more self-aware?
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on 01/04/2015.
Try this...
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
..have one foot out the door with your lawyer on the phone. And I am not kidding. The threat of divorce was the only thing that ever got me to recognize that the problem in my marriage is my ADHD driven a-holeness, not my wife's reaction to it. Oh and be sure that he knows you will go through with it ( i.e., not an idle threat). I knew my wife was serious when I got a call from her lawyer asking for some papers or something. Had no idea where they were of course, but you get the point.
I wish I could make such a threat......
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
While my H claims that he wouldn't want a divorce, HE has filed TWICE on me. both times were at his family's insistence (H is a follower). H's family lives 1500 miles away and we RARELY ever see them ( I haven't seen them in over 8 years). So, they truly had NO IDEA that H had become an alcoholic, and that he had become emotionally and verbally abusive, etc. All they knew is that suddenly H was complaining about how "mean" I was and how I was "hurting his feelings" and other crazy things.
To this day, they only have experienced or seen a tiny glimpse of H's anger....and that's only after he blamed them for their dad's death and then on another occasion, he accidentally sent his brother a couple of horrible LONG texts that H meant to send to me. After that happened, his brother realized that H is not the sweet angel that he thought he was. .And, H's family now knows that he is an alcoholic. They no longer have much to say to him.....they avoid communication as much as possible now (and probably feel a lot of guilt for interfering and costing us a LOT of money when they had no idea what they were dealing with. I am very annoyed with them and will never have anything to do with them. )
So, altho H knows that he hated living alone during the second divorce attempt, he wouldn't be too upset if I filed for divorce. At least not during the process....he likely would regret it later. But, the cost to me would be crazy. I would lose my business that I have worked so hard to build ....and H would love that I would get screwed that way.
H goes to a therapist, but he doesnt' tell his T the truth. H is not the least bit self-aware. His inner core is so fragile and he has spent his whole life blaming others and lashing out at them, that if he were to admit that HE was the common denominator, then he's completely fall apart because that would mean accepting that he is to blame and that he WRONGLY was mean/cruel to others....which he has long justified by saying that "they deserve it." If he even had to accept that he has treated me WRONGLY, that would cause him to fall apart. No, he can never go down that road because then he'd likely commit suicide because he couldn't live with knowing that he was the under-lying problem.
So familiar
Submitted by Lynnw on
"H goes to a therapist, but he doesnt' tell his T the truth"
My ex went to several individual therapists. We had little money and had to pay out of pocket, but I supported it because I wanted him to become more self-aware. One of the therapists asked me to come in for a session.The therapist kept looking between the two of us with a strange look on his face, so I knew hub had told him something completely different than I was saying. He asked me specific questions about things, I guess it was things my husband had talked about, but he didn't challenge either of us about the differences in our stories. Either that was hub's last session or he went one more time (I forget), but the therapist was wise to him, so be bailed. I'm sure it was the same with the other therapists (he didn't go more than 3 or 4 session with any), but I wasn't there. I imagine that every therapist in the county thinks I'm the Wicked Witch of the North.
I have a feeling that my
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I have a feeling that my husband didn't tell the truth (or at least the "whole truth") to his therapists. Except maybe for the last one, who my husband know longer wants to see because, he said, the therapist "blew him off" at his final appointment. I have a theory that my husband was lying to the therapist and the therapist figured that out, the therapist realized my husband wasn't engaging in any self-help (e.g., not changing any behaviors despite discussing how to change behaviors at every session), or both. So, the therapist probably said something like the therapist equivalent of "pee or get off the pot" and my husband took that as being blown off.
Years ago, one of H's T's asked to meet me.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
After I met one of H's Therapists, the T told my H...."Your wife is nothing like you've described her. and you are acting terribly. You interrupt her constantly , you call her terrible names, and you're VERY needy. My H about flipped out at being told that he is "needy".
After that, he hasn't let me meet his Ts. He says that I turned his T against him. lol All I did was tell the truth.