Our relationship has been better in terms of patience and attitude in the last couple months ever since ADHD dh agreed to go to see an ADHD doctor (long story short, he's got his first appointment next week). I know dh is trying, and now I find myself finding myself angry at the very things he is improving on.... !! It's very frustrating for me and it annoys him when I remind him he should try to do the same for me, as I do for him.
It is mainly in the area of opportunities and doing things together. I have mentioned in earlier posts -- in the 20 years we've been together, we have never gone to any kind of event that I've suggested or that we've agreed on (concerts, broadway shows, theater, opera, major league sports, museums, etc). This morning, he called me from work all excited about tickets to see a comedy act. It is his favorite comedian of all time, and he wanted us to go. When he watches this comedian on TV, I am not allowed to say a word while he's watching. He will shush me to death. Anyway, I went ahead and purchased the tickets online but all the while I was feeling more and more upset and angry with my husband who was on speaker phone monitoring my every move. So, I purchase the tix, print them, and then I need to call our babysitter. All he's doing is on the other end micromanaging me and telling me what a great guy he is for getting us to go to this event.
I got real snippy at him, telling him how I take care of his needs at a drop of a hat, but would he ever do the same for me if there was something *I* wanted to do as a couple? Because whenever I come up with something, it's always countered with something else, or brushed aside. The last time I suggested going to the ballgame one train ride away with the kids, he said he'd rather see another team, which meant a couple extra hours of transportation to get to the other stadium. Guess what, we not only missed the initial ballgame I suggested, we never went to see the one he said he'd absolutely take us to.
See what I'm getting at?
I'm sure it's all the pent up anger and frustration I've got. 20 years' worth of *messing* around like that. And of course, the comedy event is happening locally the week I was hoping to travel as a family. I went along with the tickets because I knew it's now or nothing for a long time.... he really isn't aware that I don't really want to go to a comedy club after nearly 20 years of nothing. I guess I'm afraid it will be so intense after such a long time of nothing, and out of my comfort level. But I need to grab the chance because I don't think I'll be going anywhere else...
How can I deal with my anger??? I should be happy, but I've got unresolved anger!!!
I suggested we make plans the
Submitted by copingSAH on
I suggested we make plans the day after to go into the city to enjoy a long weekend, maybe get a cheap hotel. But we better make a shared decision before the room sells out. Now he's furious with me for having been pissy earlier. argh. There's a lot of avoidance of having to be aware of my needs. It's like what someone said in another thread, it's the mother-child dynamic. As long as I go along with whatever he wants, he's the child and happy. If I, the mother role, even expresses a wish, he is not comfortable. Mothers should be selfless. I feel I'm so dependent or co-dependent on him. I can't make the hotel decision on my own, he's threatened not to go if he chooses, he says I am responsible for the hotel fees. Given that I am a SAHM with no income or any financial freedom of my own (he somehow managed to control the lion's share of a bank account I once had for myself).
Oh dear
Submitted by ShelleyNW on
How awful to not have your ideas respected, validated, encouraged or even enjoyed. That's not good at all. My DH can't seem to just agree with my idea but he doesn't generally just negate it altogether. I blame it on the insatiable trait, that it could be better. Unless it's their own idea, of course. Great idea to stretch it into a long weekend so you could both derive value. I'm sorry he wasn't on board.
Yay that he's beginning treatment next week. I hope that it's someone with ADHD experience. And that it's more than just meds. They have to relearn the ways to do things, and we have to relearn how we deal them. There's no reason he couldn't have bought the tix himself after you agreed to go, for instance.
As for the anger and resentment that's a hard one. You have the right to be angry. Good reason. But a book I just read, ACT with LOVE, points out that anger and resentment just hurt the relationship not help. His point was to do things that help the relationship rather than hold onto even valid grudges. Hard to remember, takes practice, but letting it go does help. Especially if he really does seem to be trying. I think it was Orlov's book that said the ADHD partner has to try many things before finding what works for him, and needs to be able to fail before trying something new. Another thing I read is that anger is usually a secondary emotion that masks what the real emotion is, like hurt, and that letting the real emotions run around until they are exhausted helps with the letting go, rather than just trying to suppress the anger.
One last thing, as a SAHM you are contributing substantially to your household and you are entitled to feeling like you have equal access to the household funds. That will be something you and he need to come to terms with as time goes on. You should not have to feel financially trapped, that is not the path to healthy.
Good luck!
You are right about the anger
Submitted by copingSAH on
You are right about the anger being a secondary emotion. Again, there had been a blow up this evening, it had escalated from hurt to anger very quickly. I know it is bad to do that, because anger is met head on with anger and sometimes it veers off course quickly with no possibility of righting itself. And it's obvious, my hurt stemming from all the above venting is all my wishes being set aside for another time, thus making me feel I don't really matter in the marriage relationship.
DH is trying, I'm trying but I have my own bad moments of unresolved anger, mainly hurt. For which I want some understanding, I think it is human nature to want to be understood or acknowledged at some point. He is unaware of what I am trying to explain, that my outbursts are the cause of the depressions and feelings of worthlessness and highly likely co-dependency over the last couple of decades.
I am certain 20 years' worth is manifesting itself in my mental angry outbursts. This is the part that is MORE MY PROBLEM, than it is his, but for some reason, I need for him to understand it too, and I can't seem to get past the fact that he won't be able to understand it from my perspective.
Ironic that it is only one more week until the doctor's appointment and I find myself having a meltdown. It's almost like we're at the end of the race and I end up tripping myself out of the race before the end. They say if one waited so long, what's a day or a week longer? This is what he is saying, and I understand it but my subconscious must be raging at me. At the same time dh sounds like, "until I go to the doctor, keep your issues to yourself, I am not going to process anything until the doctor fixes me." I guess I'm afraid he's got his eggs riding all in a basket believing that he'll transform over night?
One of the things that has been working the last two months (mostly when we're on the phone or on the computer from work/home and there is no physical proximity), is the stepping down, the putting aside the ego (anger/righteousness) and not reacting. It worked when it was applied in the appropriate manner, but not when one of us has already got the battling words out. I have to admit, most of it has consisted of my not saying anything, letting him talk it through and all around me on the phone. Then when he was done, I would say OK, goodbye. I did not *spark* anything. And he was perfectly fine with that. I am okay with that too I guess, it is easier on the phone than face to face.
Decided not to push the hotel discussion (he read a couple of critical reviews and made up his mind), for the last rooms had been sold out by then, so it was moot because of his non-response earlier. He does not want to stay at a hotel, nor stay over with relatives in that city, so I went along with the additional 4-6 hours train travel over 2 days (the same cost as staying the one night at hotel). I agreed to it because I want to let go of the anger/resentment/control and it became what it became.
Well, thank you for replying, I will take your suggestions and try to apply them better and look into those books. I guess I'm just tired from earlier.