My wife of 14 years was diagnosed with ADHD about 9 months ago. Undoubtedly it's a familiar story for many here: impulsive spending, stopped working, parent/child relationship, etc.
After her diagnosis things were supposed to improve; the medication would help and she would get the tools to change her life. It hasn't happened and instead she hyper focuses on things she wants to do to the detriment of all others (chores, children, etc.).
As the only income source my anxiety is always a 10 and I have a high stress job (portfolio manager). I come home and it's always chaos which I cannot handle (very process oriented). Today I received notification that a bill wasn't paid and we were being sent to collections.
When I ask how do we stop this from happening her response is "I can't say it won't happen; my brain doesn't work like that".
Honestly I think that's it for me. An inability to try and improve and overcome this condition is the last straw. What good is having a diagnosis if nothing changes?
Anyway I'm sure this board gets lots of these posts and it isn't your problem I just wanted other people's perspective before I leave the ring on the mantelpiece.
Thanks for reading this and if you have ADHD and are trying to improve thanks and good job.
Things were supposed to improve
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
A relationship with an ADHD-spouse is the 'Chaos Whack-A-Mole' that never stops. Never.
Getting a confirmed diagnosis of ADHD gives the non-ADHD spouse a glimmer of hope: 'Now that we know it is ADHD, there are certain things (A, B, C...) that can help with the symptoms.' But the reality of the ADHDer's behavior can ONLY be actively changed by them. If the ADHDer does not 'buy-in', 'take ownership', etc. etc. then nothing will change.
You are in a 'reality bear market' with no prospects of systemic improvement. React accordingly.
The tools go unused
Submitted by ThisIsMyLife on
Hi,
Thank you for posting. My wife is mid assessment, but her attitude is this will not be a magic fix. The diagnosis is a just a free pass for her to continue and I have to accept.it. I can be angry now, but if she gets a diagnosis I can't. I have tried everything. I have trying to provide the tools for her to organise her life but something shiny comes along and any plan or routine gets flushed down the toilet.
She is like this with finances too. We are in the UK so we have mandates set up to automate collection of our bills which is less stressful. I reckon she owes me tens of thousands because she "forgets" to pay half of any significant adhoc bill. She has plenty of money from inheritance etc.
This weekend she has started the Christmas decorations before tidying her other mess and made Christmas biscuits / cakes. Nobody asked her to do this. She chose to. Spending time with our 3 year old never crossed her mind. I can't leave because her innattiveness will result my son coming to serious harm.
I can't help feeling that I am no more important to her than the Juicer or Spiralizer that is now gathering dust.
Draw a line
Submitted by BrennanG on
I've been married for 19 years to my ADHD husband. After years of pushing, crying, and begging, he finally went on medication (he refuses therapy) and I had hope. Briefly.
Nothing has changed. Like your wife, my husband is very capable of focusing on what he feels is important but never finds time for the household repairs, his family, or us. It's frustrating beyond words. After joining this page and reading countless posts, I have learned to accept that the change can only come from him and it isn't going to. I have done all I can and this past weekend I told him I'm out. Know what he said.... "I don't have time for therapy."
That just reinforced to me that I've made the right decision. We're separating after Christmas (to try to give the kids a 'normal' holiday) and the relief I feel is incredible. I didn't realize until now how heavy a burden all of this was.
I think it's absolutely fair to say you're done if you feel you've done all that you can. Draw a line and know that they are responsible for change beyond that, and if that's not happening, there's nothing else you can do.
Last Straw
Submitted by patlaap on
I've had SO many last straws.... I'm 72 and wife is 69. wife has add, not hyper, and depression. Always finds something wrong with he, either sinus headaches EVERY DAY or just "doesn't feel good". This is continuous daily. I've tried to be patient and supportive, but how can I if she won't get help. She always resents me trying to talk to her about her problems (and I try to be delicate) and get angry with me. Her idea a year ago was to buy a motorhome, and we did. Sold our house and downsized everything. Thoughts were to travel the country and see Gods creation. I'm a consultant so can work from anywhere. She can't tell me where she what's to go, and I've asked her numerous times. We will be traveling out of state to visit clients, and seeing the sights afterwards. TAX TIME AGAIN SOON! Every year we have to get extensions for personal and business taxes because of her procrastination. She waits until the last minute to begin working on them. Sometimes we end up paying the penalty for being late. When I tell her I will help with taxes, she says no, it's her job. However, they don't get done till the last minute.
ive considered divorce, but don't know what either of us would do now. PLEASE HELP AS I DONT KNOW WHAT TOMDO,