Submitted by awf on 11/19/2014.
I am new to all of this. I am in a relationship with a woman who has ADHD. I never really had a clue what that meant. We are talking about marriage. From reading this forum I see that certain issues seem to be constant. Such as infidelity, lying, anger and communication. I want to see if we can make it. What are some good strategies? I saw one post about having the right mindset, What else can I do to understand her needs? She really means a lot to me and at the end of the day I need to know I am doing all I can for her and us.
awf,
Submitted by sunlight on
awf,
I'm sorry you haevn't received replies so far, maybe this response will bump your post up a little and others will chime in.
I think the first thing that I would recommend is to live together first. You may not see the full impact of a close relationship on her day-to-day functioning otherwise.
" From reading this forum I see that certain issues seem to be constant. Such as infidelity, lying, anger and communication"
I have to take issue with this view, I am non-ADHD female with ADHD male husband. Infidelity and lying are not always present and neither are they in the diagnostic criteria for ADHD. On this site we don't hear much from successful couples, which is why I try to comment occasionally to put the other view. Anger may certainly result from frustration (not feeling understood or accepted in the non-ADHD world, combined with difficulties in perception and difficulties understanding non-ADHD thinking) but on the other hand may also be a result of neurological issues. Certainly communication problems especially in social interactions are part and parcel of ADHD, so patience and tolerance on both sides are needed.
If you're already living together obviously my reply doesn't help. Certainly read as much about ADHD as you can. Is your girlfriend successful in managing her ADHD - denial on her part if the potential impact from ADHD might cause trouble down the road?
Thank you
Submitted by awf on
Thank you for your reply! I am really falling in love with this woman, and was very worried about some of the things I am seeing posted here. Your post and clarification have helped me so much. I know I have a lot to learn. and want to learn.
Don't do it!!
Submitted by RosaD on
I really hope you didn't marry this woman!!! There are many women without ADHD! You will be in for a great deal of loneliness, disappointment, knowingly playing with Russian Roulette with your future children and ADHD!
I agree
Submitted by Moondust on
I agree with sunlight. Living together first, for an extended period of time, is vital. Also, lying and cheating is not my experience either. (And yes, I do not have my head buried in the sand about that subject). I think when those things come into play is when there are other undiagnosed issues. Only having ADHD is not common. There are other things, such as depression, anxiety disorders, and so forth. Those symptoms can muddle the ADHD symptoms, or vise-versa, and make it hard to come to a correct diagnosis. Every case is unique. There are common symptoms, but not everyone with ADHD has the same set of symptoms. So it can be frustrating for both the ADHD and non-ADHD spouse.
I also super-duper highly recommend the book - The ADHD Effect on Marriage. Seriously a life-changer if you haven't already read it. I all of a sudden saw my husband in a new light and had too many "ah-ha" moments to count. I haven't read The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD yet (will be soon), so can't first-hand recommend it, but if the first book is any indication, I know that will also help us.
You are incredibly fortunate to know she has ADHD going into it. And I also give you kudos for wanting to learn more about it and how you can help/understand. I have been married for over 10 years and my husband was only recently diagnosed. I think about all the wasted time of fighting and banging our heads against the wall and getting nowhere, when we could have been handling things differently and better! But we are learning now and that's what counts.
Best of luck to you both!
Same Boat as you
Submitted by pjkim2010vt@gma... on
My boyfriend has ADHD and we've been dating 2 years and 8 months now, living together for 1.5 years.
I also recommend living together first. I knew my boyfriend had ADHD but I didn't really see it or understand it until we were living together. Its been a rough first year of living together and we've nearly called it quits 3 times. However, we were able to push through, learning from each other, and today, I still want to marry this man. Yes, we still have our arguments, but they are less frequent, less stressful, and more productive.
I agree that you don't see many successful relationships here. I really only come to the forum when I'm upset and need help on how to handle a situation with my boyfriend and for insight. However, while I read of other's experiences, instead of looking for the similarities between their stories of their ADHD spouses and my boyfriend, I try to look and focus on the differences. I've learned a lot on this site and I hope you will too. Please remember that there are different levels and not everyone falls in the "category". In our relationship, there is no issue with infidelity and lying.
Sorry if my experiences don't seem long enough to warrant giving advice, but I know that with all we've accomplished so far, we will continue to be a success story.
gender makes a difference
Submitted by Geese on
Hi Awf
Looking at my own life, the lives of others and the comments in this forum one thing is clear:
Non-ADHD women are much more unforgiving and unable to cope in relationships with ADHD men than the other way around
This is clear even from school aged children where although research shows both genders have a near identical incidence of the disorder boys are more than twice as likely as girls to be diagnosed with it. Fact is, forgetfulness, social awkwardness, inability to handle paperwork, finances, professional work, follow through with promises, show up on time and generally be "with it" and reliable are traits that a man is more likely to forgive in a wife than a woman would in a husband.
Either way, you will find yourself frustrated with an ADHD spouse or friend because they seem normal, but really aren't. As an ADHDer myself, I can say that until I recently started treatment I was heading back to the same place of failure in life as I had been at least half a dozen times: divorce, no friends, no job, no prospects and ultimately a feeling I was better of dead. You girlfriend will be facing these same challenges, emotions and obstacles if her condition is untreated. Your support for her might mean that she has a secure relationship (a major plus in anyone's life!) but her disappointment in herself and the burden she will be /is on society might make her depressed and perhaps een suicidal.
Since I started treatment this week, I have been overwhelmed by the clarity and ease with which everything can get done. People seem to like me more, I get more done, especially little things like taxes, work expenses, bills, documents for kids schools, clearing up the clutter in the house etc. What would my life be like if I hadn't waited 40 years to do this? So, my only advice is: please, please, make sure she gets comprehensive and ongoing treatment. This means, meds, counselling, CHADD support groups, books videos etc. She will feel better for it and I believe your life too will be much much more fulfilling. Good luck!
Sources?
Submitted by AlmaVera on
"Non-ADHD women are much more unforgiving and unable to cope in relationships with ADHD men than the other way around"
"Fact is, forgetfulness, social awkwardness, inability to handle paperwork, finances, professional work, follow through with promises, show up on time and generally be "with it" and reliable are traits that a man is more likely to forgive in a wife than a woman would in a husband."
Geese -- I'd like the know the source of your statistics for this information.
No sources Alma. I phrased
Submitted by Geese on
" So my observation is simply
Submitted by AlmaVera on
" So my observation is simply that, a scan over this site and others like it, a look at my life and those around me and then finding that there are a preponderance of women complaining about adhd men pretty much ruining their lives, and (as of now) absolutely nothing similar the other way around."
To extend this a bit further, maybe we should then assume that men with ADHD are just harder to live with? ;)
Your point about lower diagnosis rates of ADHD in girls is true, but from what I've been reading about ADHD in females (in terms of my own experience of it -- newly diagnosed), it's not that girls and boys do the exact same things and boys are the only ones who get in trouble for it. It often shows itself differently in girls, and you are also correct in saying that this ends up being a bad thing, because these girls are not getting diagnosed or treated as early in their lives, either. They are far more likely than males with ADHD to end up with depression and anxiety as co-morbid conditions, too.
I'm not saying your assertion about women being less tolerant of men is true or false. I have no empirical evidence either way. I would just throw out a few other possibilities to consider. Many of the women you see on here have been married to their spouses many, many years. Could it possibly be that we don't see men here 'complaining' after long marriages because they left earlier on, rather than because they are more tolerant? That they can't tolerate a woman who can't keep up a house, deal with a job, take care of kids and a spouse, keep track of bills, doctor appointments, social events, gift giving, etc., etc., and think she's a loser, so they move on? It would be interesting to see a study on that.
Also, I think it's very unfair to say that any of the women or men that you are reading about on here are intolerant. Many of these partners are at breaking points after dealing with some pretty serious issues, often year after year. What's more intolerant -- walking out when things get tough, or sticking around, trying to do what you can to hold your family together until you are worn down to nothing? Support forums often attract the most difficult cases, so they are not a statistically representative sample of any given group.
My gender-neutral advice for anyone newly involved with someone who has ADHD is this: The ADHD will affect your relationship. Success will require nothing less than both people becoming knowledgeable about it, how it causes each person to act/react, and about any other issues they both have. Most importantly, it will require BOTH partners to actively work on the relationship -- managing the impact of the symptoms and managing the reactions to them, and both being compassionate to the other person's experience. Without both partners actively engaged (not just willing, but actually doing it), the relationship with not be healthy. If that's not what you see early on, don't hang around hoping it will improve later on, because chances are that it won't, and you will have become emotionally attached by then, not to mention probably financially enmeshed, and maybe parents besides.
Gender
Submitted by jennalemone on
Here is another point to consider in the gender conversation. ADD/ADHD characteristics are less drastic when it does not hamper the man who is in charge of financially supporting the family. If the woman must take care of the home and family AND work full time, there is resentment. If the woman has ADD and the husband is working to financially support the famly, also doing the bookkeeping, THEN a household can still function. Men seem to need sex physically and are less needy of emotional togetherness combination. If a woman with ADD/ADHD lets the housework go and still provides sex, the household still runs and the husband can still get his needed sex. If the husband provides sex but does not go to work....there is dysfunction and resentment. We see women on these sites because they are despairate financially, emotionally. I am saying that men need sex. Women need emotional support. Not ALL but most. SEX is a now and not now proposition.
Marrying ADHT
Submitted by Satya on
Dear
It is really hard to marry someone with ADHD, I would not recommend to anybody. It is a battle.
I completely agree.
Submitted by RosaD on
I have been married to someone with ADHD longer than I want to admit. (26 years) I really should have divorced on my Honeymoon! Now I have a son. Fortunately he does not have ADHD! Once my son starts college, I am heading to the Divorce lawyer and end my exposer to this horrific and distructive condition called ADHD!
I was brought believing that if you really love one another you can work through anything. Unfortunately, this is not true. Especially when married to a person with ADHD. There should be a dating site for those with ADHD. They should be sentenced to only being able to marry each other!