Anyone have any advice or suggestions or tips on how they coped with their kids aged 9-13 experiencing and living with an ADHD parent? Specifically when the ADHD parent is in extreme denial and defensiveness and deflection on ALL his behaviour. So ultimately, the child(ren) is seeing a disregulated parent for a consistently long time with no connection between his mom & dad. It breaks my heart. But I'm barely keeping my head above water myself and trying to save myself and my son and I have to let my husband drown bc he's not willing to do the work to swim on his own. (in my opinion, of course).
Aside from trying to address it as best as possible when issues arise, and dealing with the fact that it's possible/probable that the child has ADHD but the parent who is not managing well, is just TAKING OVER the house. Their emotions, their feelings, their depression, their unmanaged ADHD...all of it just consumes us all.
How did anyone address it in their house and how do you escape this or change this situation while still living with the ADHD partner? And if leaving in this moment is not the option, how do you change your and your child's future and address the hurt/pain/anger now?
All resources, blogs, tips, tricks and experiences from adult children are welcome. In fact, any of it is welcomed to be honest.
A better environment
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I don't know Dubbie, it's terribly hard. I think sometimes children are less affected than partners to the ADHD person, since the heavy responsibility doesn't fall on the children. Mine in the same ages love their father fondly and have always felt close to him and supported.
The problem in our family that made me finally ask for divorce was all about me and their father. Finally I needed divorce to be able to offer the children a better environment.
I wish my ex husband could see that his and my relationship even after divorce is a vital part of the children's environment.
I feel for you and your family.
ADHD parents
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Though I struggled with much in my marriage, I think what you've described here was the biggest motivator for me to change things. My husband's ADHD symptoms increasingly began to impact our daughter as she grew. Seeing her hurt as I did from the apathy, moods, disconnection, constant state of disorganization, etc. was extremely painful. She is 15 now and still feels as though her dad doesn't care for her. He says he does and I know he does, but his action say he doesn't. We are divorced now, but were together until my daughter was 12/13. How I coped is:
1. I tried to protect my daughter from his words/actions by living like a single parent. If I couldn't attend something / drive her somewhere / take on a commitment without his assistance, I started turning it down. Relying on him was useless... sure, he came through sometimes, but not enough to rely on him. This may mean you have to cut down on how much you can reasonably handle. This solution "worked" to a degree in minimizing the impact of his ADHD on our child (though not eliminating it by any stretch), however, it very much burned me out and fuelled my already strong resentment.
2. At a pretty early age, I was honest with our daughter about unmanaged ADHD because I wanted her to know that the problems were caused by HIM and not HER. He'd break promises to her, shirk his commitments, show no interest in her life, lash out verbally, etc. Without cutting down his character, I wanted her know that's because of ADHD, not because she's unlovable. We all know this helps very little... sure we might take things less personally, but we are still affected by all the negative behaviours... however, this has helped her feel confident as a near-adult that she is not at fault for the deficits in their relationship.
Ultimately these were pretty poor coping mechanisms, but I think anything is. When change doesn't come from the person with the ADHD, twe can only do so much. These two tips were somewhat helpful for getting me and my daughter through. I am really happy I ultimately left, though I understand if you're not in a spot where you can do so. My life is easier as a single mom and my mental health and self-confidence are so much higher. Our daughter is happier in a peaceful happy home with me and is genuinely glad we divorced. My ex is relieved to be free of family responsibilities. Their relationship is actually slightly improved because he only needs to be a dad a few hours a week when he comes to visit.
For your child, the more you can implement ADHD -friendly strategies now, the better. Breaking down big jobs into small chunks, setting external alarms, creating a visual calendar, setting a timer for a quick 10-minute cleanup with a reward at the end, etc. These can become habits your child will carry through life. And of course, a diagnosis/meds/coaching if you feel it's right.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I hope you also will get help for YOU if you can. You can't shoulder it all alone indefinitely.
So helpful
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
To both of you, thank you. Thank you for your response and very realistic viewpoint. To be honest, I've started putting my ducks in a row and if I decide to leave, I will, but for the moment, I'm not ready yet. But seeing the change in my son just over the last few weeks.... it's gotten to me. And broken my heart. And for me, it's the disengagement and how bad it's gotten over the last 4 years and the denial that is happening. It's unreal. And I know I don't have to take it, niether should my son. It's so hard.
Compensating
Submitted by Swedish coast on
It's so hard to see a partner's dysfunction around a child. I'm sure you have already done a million things to compensate for it. To me, the compensatory work has become almost unconscious with time, but shapes life always. I think we must give ourselves credit for it, and acknowledge the toll it takes.
All my respect for what you've accomplished for your child. I'm positive your son will thrive on your love and your good judgment whichever way you choose to go.
I got my child diagnosed even
Submitted by Dorothyjjj on
I got my child diagnosed even while my husband drags his feet. He knows he was diagnosed with hyperactivity as a child. He knows something is off with him. I have spent over a year reading and trying to show him info. I am over it. I focus on my almost 9 year old son. He will begin cognitive behavioral therapy soon. I am the parent to one of them, not both. Even when my husband's lack of communication skills creates an issue between them, I only talk to my son. I help him regulate and understand and respond. I hold my son and remind him I love him while he is going through things. Then, I help him think it through beyond the negative emotions and responses. Hubby has continued trying to escalate the conflict by saying things while I am focused on my son. I show him through my behavior that you can ignore a person when they behave that way. It is exhausting and I just want to scream at hubby to grow up and be a parent and stop fighting with a 9 year old!