Hi all,
It has been a long time since I have posted here. A situation occurred tonight that, for the life of me, I cannot get my arms around. Yet again in the realm of the ADHD Giant a simple, stupid activity becomes a major confrontation. Buckle up and climb aboard!
My wife ( ADHD ) and I agree that she should run to the store to get a few items while I am cooking dinner. As we are talking the list grows to a total of five items. She announces that there are too many things on the list and demands that I write them down.
Because I am basically sick of dealing with her transactional "tit for tat" approach to things I ask her why I should write the list, and not her. She responds that is because she is going to the store. (Re: tit for tat approach ). So I write the list for her.
She returns with three of the five items on the list, with one being wrong. So I mention that the specific items were included in the list and ask her if she looked at it. Her initial reply is "there is a difference between looking at the list and reading it". In the end, after several minutes of heated discussion she admitted she did not look at the list, her grade school pettiness demanded I write, because it was only a backup. She further pointed out what an excellent job she did and how rude an unappreciative I was for her efforts. The fact she only came home with three out of five was because the store did not have them. I could go to that same store and walk directly to those items right now.
Admittedly, this is a minor problem, but how the Fuck do you deal with a mind that is that divorced from reality?
To be clear, my issue is not about the items on the list, or what she did or did not do with regard to the list. It is about the infantile way she demanded I write the list in the first place ( because at four items she checked out ) then ignored the list and declared how great she did. It is petty and insulting.
A follow up ...
Submitted by tfarmer on
Forgive them father, for they know not what they do.
On this, of all evenings, we should recognize there was no qualifying perspectives on reality included in that statement. It applied to all.
We can perceive our actions as some kind of drone serving an undeserving queen. Or we can see our actions in light of the example and responsibilities laid out in Ephesians 5.
How far do we go? The answer is ... as far as it takes.
I can certainly understand those of you reading my rant above, and now this, who will view me as some kind of lunatic ( I would think the same ). Let me just say that sometimes wisdom is found in time and meditation. I am intentionally leaving this post because we have found solace and a source of peace in dealing with this stuff in our faith. Which is why I am on here so infrequently.
We are far from perfect, and ADHD is still very much a frustrating part of who we are. But in the end there is no question it is "us" and our problem, dealing with it as best we can and growing through it. We will keep going.
Peace,
tfarmer
Ditto
Submitted by phatmama on
@tfarmer--I love this follow-up post. I, too, have been frustrated to the point of no return, feeling like I am Alice falling down the rabbit hole of ADHD..........only to rise again after cooling down, praying, and revisiting my higher self. During that time, I always feel a little "yucky" about ranting publicly, but sometimes we do just need to vent. I want to let you know that I deeply appreciate reading your follow-up here, because it so closely mirrors the many cycles I go through. Thank God, the restoration has always followed the desolation even after 21 years of matrimony and I haven't yet hated our life together enough to walk away for longer than 24 hours (and this was just recently) and never plan to. Is it hard----that would be a very loud and emphatic "YES!!!!!", but my marriage is sacramental (Catholic) and I am committed, as is he. ADHD is so much more than many people realize and the pain and frustration can be overwhelming. It helps me tremendously to read those posts and know that I am not alone and my crazy reality that I have to try to hide from almost everyone is understood and experienced by this crew on the forum who are also "in the trenches", but I also love reading your follow up in which you perfectly address the flip side of the frustration cycle, which is the humble reconciliation, forgiveness, and reconnection. That for me has always been just as real as the dark side and that is hard to explain. Thank you so much for posting the above--both of them.
Brother tfarmer....
Submitted by c ur self on
Blessing friend....And never think there are not plenty of us who don't fully understand the trials that come to us just trying to survive the day, when the kind of communications you have listed above is the reality of so much of our daily attempts to share w/ our spouses.....
I pray often for those who post here....
c
If our adhd partners could
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
If our adhd partners could understand their own struggles and verbalize to us, we could better help them with their struggles.
The grocery store is one area that my husband has been able to communicate with me and we work together on his struggles. He says that the bright lights and thousands of colorful products in the grocery store cause sensory overload and overwhelm him. He doesn’t just want me to make him a shopping list. He requests a “detailed” shopping list. I put some kind of description beside each item on the list, even for items that we’ve been buying for years. I assume the details give him something to fall back on when he gets overwhelmed.
I’m sure it’s possible that your wife is dealing with some similar issues. Also, the grocery store might have been very crowded because of the holiday weekend.
If she had been able to explain her struggles to you, I’m sure you would have been understanding. But, when they become defensive and irrational, we just want to bang our heads against the wall. I know very well how you feel.
He is risen! Easter Blessings!
tfarmer, the list
Submitted by dedelight4 on
We struggle with the same itemized grocery list. My H (ADHD) will get everything on a list, but he often gets wrong items unless I give him descriptive notes on what each looks like. He gets SO impatient when he has to look for something, and gets angry immediately. He wants to walk up to a shelf, pick it up and put it in the buggy.....no looking. When he has to look, he gets very frustrated......unless, he's comparing prices. But then, he gets caught on the "price per ounce", and gets the best priced one, but the size is usually way too big, and we end up not using so much of a single product, as well as it costing more money because its the large size. But he feels good about getting a better " price per ounce".
I'm sorry your wife reacts this way, and I know its frustrating for you. I too, wish my H could verbalize (even in a small way) about what's going on in his head, and what is driving him to act and react to certain situations. He just can't do this yet, and since he's now 62, I don't think this is ever going to change. Its exhausting to be on the receiving end of this " inability" to process information and then act on it accordingly.
I've been watching my husband lately not be able to find things right in front of him. (Hair brush, toothbrush, cups, scissors, etc, etc.) This has become a huge issue. He can't see something sitting right in front of him. Its been getting very bizarre, because he gets angry "immediately"...... and starts yelling. Often these items are within inches of his hands, feet or body, and yet he can't " find" them. I don't know what this is about, but its become a problem.
Anyway, hope you have a better day today. Hugs.
I see the same thing Dede...
Submitted by Zapp10 on
I too have seen my H struggle with this along with a noticeable slowing of his cognition in communication. He doesn't get upset. Neither do I. Since I have backed off and allow the ADHD to "run" his life but not mine I am doing so much better. We are not an example of the God given marriage relationship. We love to the best we strive for. My H is 68. He wants intimacy.... he does not get that intimacy is mutually reciprocal. That is not an ADHD problem.
Zapp, communicating
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Similar here with the intimacy issue. H has never understood either that intimacy is mutually reciprocal. He no longer has any physical "drive", and its always been on the low side, but now its non existent. He wouldn't try to ease my sexual tension in any way. He always felt that because he couldn't " perform", there was no way EITHER of us could enjoy sexual pleasure. (Regardless of all the examples I expressed to him, about ways in which this was possible) He just wouldn't do it. I don't think that this is ADHD, but it does seem more like embarrassment and frustration that he won't deal with.
He is getting better with showing some physical "intimacy" such as hugs, touching and trying to be kinder in his words and deeds. Which has been noticeable and I've been praising him for these positive changes.
I do also believe he needs to change his ADHD medication. He's been on Concerta for years now, and on the highest dose, but so MANY behaviors are getting worse as he ages. There hasn't been one single doctor that has asked to talk to me, which bothers me. (Unless they HAVE, and H won't tell me, which is possible) He also needs a FULL ADHD workup/evaluation, which he hasn't had either, which I believe he's afraid of. His moods go up and down so quickly, that I've also suspected "bipolar", which his mother had.
Since I've detached myself from him emotionally, to a greater extent, its helped me deal with this better. Still been working on the damage done to myself from all this, but this is getting better also.
Praying you have a wonderful day. Hugs to you.
Count me in on the intimacy
Submitted by dvance on
Count me in on the intimacy issues. We have had sex maybe three times in the past three years. And those three times were initiated by me. No matter what I say ahead of time, nothing happens unless I initiate and I am tired of doing that. As of right now, it is literally 18 days since DH has touched me. I don't mean sexually, I mean at all. In the past when we have had long dry spells and I ask him why he is not bothered, he says he can learn to live with anything, it's not that big of a deal, he doesn't care about sex that much. Okay then. He goes to bed either super early or super late, no rhyme or reason to that, so we are unlikely to go to bed at the same time. He gets up between 4 and 4:30am and goes into the living room and sits on the computer. I have no idea what he does until it's time to get to work (7ish)--you tube videos is what he says when I ask. Now I ask you, what 50 year old man is entertained by two hours of you tube videos every day? How boring. The gym we belong to opens at 5am and it's walking distance. I don't say that. In the evenings, he sits on the couch and watches either cooking shows or The Office with our 16 year old. Again-how boring. Do you know how many times they have watched The Office? Zillions. I can see a teenager still being into that, but geez-an adult? Come on. Grow up. It's like living with a spoiled 17 year old. He is old enough to pretty much take care of himself as long as nothing I ask of him is TOO adult--paying bills, answering a question in a straightforward way, disciplining the boys. For example-Monday I texted him and asked him what time he would be home. He said he would be leaving from Mt. Prospect ( the city he was working in) in a little bit. What does that even mean? What's a little bit? I don't know how long it takes to get home from where he is. A non-answer. On Easter we were out to brunch with the four of us and the 18 year old got a little mouthy. Instead of telling the child to knock it off, he says stop it, mom doesn't like it. Poor behavior has nothing to do with what I LIKE, poor behavior is poor behavior. Why make me the bad guy? If I ask too many follow up questions in an attempt to clarify something vague he has said, he tells me I am interrogating him and that's the end of the exchange. But I digress. There is no intimacy of any kind, physical or emotional. Get it somewhere else or live without it. I am super huggy with all my female friends and we all say I love you all the time, so I get some of it that way, but it's lonely. I crave the touching and closeness, but it's not on the menu with him.
Unhealthy circumstances DV....
Submitted by c ur self on
So many of us live or have lived in unhealthy circumstances for so long....It is very difficult to maintain a good outlook and positive attitude when circumstances or what they are in our marital relationships...Healthy Intimacy can never be had when H's & W's are competing, fixing and using verbal put downs on each other....There is no love or respect in that....You can shut up long enough to screw one another out of desperation...But that's not intimacy.....
People who are intimate don't leave conflict open ended...They end it w/ sincere regret, repentance and apologies...
Chevron posted something a while back about her thoughts on marriage....She said, "marriage is something you do, not something you have"....That kind of stung me at first, but, when I got to thinking about my vows, and just what they say....What I promised to do for my life time....I realized I agreed w/ her statement....
So many of us do not even have a marriage....We live together is some dysfunctional way.....But there is no work or commitment going on....We are just taking up space in the same house....Like two roommates that really don't even like each other....
We must own our own disposition and attitudes....Some one has to be the bigger person or nothing will ever change....That is just what the enemy wants....I want ever have to answer for my wife's wrongs...But I will surely have to account for my own....So there is no excuse for me! (any of us)...
It is so hard to rid ourselves of our anger, bitterness and the negative effects that we can accumulate when we feel we have not been loved or appreciated by the person who vowed to do it...And who has been the benefactor of our work, love and strength over the years...(especially in their presents)...But it's not impossible.....The only way I've found is to get my eyes off of that person's behaviors and life style (so I can focus on my own need for healing) by setting up boundaries for myself to not go there....
It is so easy to judge, and criticize when we are experiencing behaviors that show very little respect of us, and little to no responsibility to their role as a H or W.....But, all I am doing when I attempt to fix, point out, or criticize these behaviors is getting in the ditch with her....Because it will most always escalate into an arguments due to denial....
Two in the ditch is all we have....Just two in the ditch....I'm so proud of so many on this site....Several I've posted with over the years, have got their butts out of the ditch:) YAY! Usually when we do, we get a surprise.....
If I want regular love making and real intimacy (which I definitely do) I have to be that non-threatening, respectful and loving partner my self first.....That's the half that is mine.....Then if she refuses her vow's, that is not my sin to consider....Living married w/o taking care of her needs is not an option for me....If it is for her I will endure....Intimacy w/ her, isn't what gives me the power to be at peace....It's intimacy w/ my heavenly Father that gives me that....
C
Keeping our eyes on the prize
Submitted by jennalemone on
It is so hard to rid ourselves of our anger, bitterness and the negative effects that we can accumulate when we feel we have not been loved or appreciated by the person who vowed to do it........And who (our spouse) has been the benefactor of our work, love and strength over the years.....It is so easy to judge, and criticize when we are experiencing behaviors that show very little respect of us, and little to no responsibility to their role as a H or W.
Yes, C, this says it so well. You seem to set your sights on being a marriage warrior. Who, in the face of opposition when you are disappointed in your comrade, you keep your eyes on your mission and forge ahead. Your entries are gallant. You are giving your wife the gift of honor and security.... where intimacy starts. It is good to know there are men in the world like you.
Epiphany
Submitted by phatmama on
"two in the ditch"--that hit me HARD this morning when I read it. The above post was very on-point. My self-protective detachment has put me in the ditch. There is no intimacy, warmth, communication, or growth down here in the mud and the cold and the weeds. I love that analogy and it hits home. Thank you.