Hey all,
I will start out saying my wife and I have been married going on 5 years and we have been together for over 6 with being good friends for 5 years before that. We have a beautiful almost 3 year old daughter and another child on the way. My wife is one of the most hardworking people I know and put other people needs before her own. I love my wife to death but as of lately I feel like I have completely have failed her and my family.
I was diagnosed with ADHD just over a year ago and have been prescribed medication for it. I am the type of person that gets very scatter brained even with taking my medication. I work in a high stress job that sometimes I can be up for a 24 hour period and then I come home and have to keep going without much rest due to the fact my wife is working or we have things that need to get done, or I just want to spend time with my wife.
This is where I have started to feel like I can't do anything right. My wife and I have gotten into more arguments of lately because she feels like I don't listen to her. I will admit sometimes my brain is just jumping from one thing to the next and I forget what she says and I hate to ask her what she said because I feel guilty knowing that I wasn't giving her my full attention. I do things that I think are what she wants and when I do that it ends up blowing up in my face because I didn't ask her how she wanted it done or I take it away from her when she wanted to do it. I feel as I am about to lose her and I don't know what I would do without her. I know she feels like a broken record because we seem to have this argument every few months and I start doing better but then I guess I get complacent and fall in the same rut.
My marriage means the absolute world to me and my family is everything. I want to me the best I can be and be a reliable husband and father.
Does anyone have any advice on how to keep myself on track?
Any advice on how to have a discussion with a spouse who seems at the end of their straw and is tired of hearing apologies?
Full disclosure?
Submitted by FinallyCrushing... on
Hey OP,
(Advance apologies if some of this seems scattered or not relevant to the situation. It all just kind of spilled out and I tried to edit it a bit for clarity. I'd be happy to respond if you had any questions or wanted to talk more.)
This whole thing sounds like my marriage around year 5!
I had a 2 year old and one on the way. Same kind of story except I didn't have extra long work days. I was, however, staying up super late at night on my computer. Looking back, I was basically creating a distance from my wife while still being in the same house. We had many discussions/arguments about me not listening. It was generally due to my hyperactive mind, but it's clear to me now that I used that as an excuse. It wasn't until last year, after my re-diagnosis and starting on meds, that I really started to work on the mental stuff and try to figure out how to be a better husband.
I found that for me, the best and easiest way is to be 'extra' present for my wife. Instead of her talking and me paying half attention, I focus intently on her. I compliment her way more often. I try to never criticize her anymore like I used to. It means that I actually have to monitor what I'm about to say if it's coming from a place of frustration or anger. NOT lashing out and saying nasty things goes such a long way. My emotional dysregulation combined with rejection sensitivity is something I always try to keep on my mind. Whenever I start to get strong feelings I immediately start talking to myself in my head: "Are these feelings genuine, or are they way over the top like usual?" I give myself a few minutes without saying anything. Sometimes my wife can see it on my face that I'm processing stuff. Since she knows all the details of my adhd now, she's more at peace with things because she has an idea of what's going on in my head. She knows about the rejection sensitivity too, so she now understands why I used to feel so defeated when she'd turn down sexual advances.
I think that learning as much as you can about the different facets of your condition, and sharing all of that info with your wife, can only help your relationship. Just let her know there's no malice or negative intentions in the things you do; the condition just makes things more complex for us. A few times I have been able to hold on to a full stream of thoughts, where when I said something and my wife went "that's so random", I was able to explain exactly how I got from A to B in about 10 steps of references and relations to things. I wish I had a good example. I think the next time I'll write it down. My point is; you both need to work on yourselves the get your flow better. If she's getting upset when you're trying to do something you think she wants and feels like you're taking it away from her, she needs to know that you were trying to do something good. There's no reason to be upset about that. If it's so important to her, then next time you won't do that particular thing for her.
My suggestion is that you do a bunch of research about adhd and share some of the good sources you find with her. Have an open discussion about what you've learned and how it relates to you and your relationship. When I read this, I realized that it 100% explains everything about RSD. I can check off every single thing they list. https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-adhd-emotional... Here's another one that's quite good. https://www.additudemag.com/symptoms-of-add-hyperarousal-rejection-sensi...
I wish you the best! If you're both willing to put in some work, I bet you can turn things around.
Down and dirty
Submitted by PHK803 on
When I was diagnosed with my ADHD I figured hey, I'll get on some meds and this will work itself out. Well I was totally wrong. Has it helped? Absolutely but, that's if I remember to take my meds. It wasn't till our last fight that I decided that I needed to do more because I could see that I was failing. For the past few days I have read as many articles as I could and looked at some of these discussions on this site. Wow! It was a big eye opening to me that I have created this mess. I have always thought I was a good husband and now I'm realizing that I have failed not only as a husband but a father.
I tell my wife over and over that I love her and that I am sorry for what I do and she flat out told me she is tired of hearing I am sorry. That is when it really hit me. I had to look into being a better me so I can be a better husband for her.
My wife is an unbelievable person for dealing with my behavior. I have decided to talk with someone to come up with some ideas on how to stay on track and be my best. My wife knows that I can be a good husband and father and I know she is just exhausted with constantly having this discussion and I 100% don't blame her.
Since reading up on ADHD and teaching myself more about it, I know that changes are coming and I will be back to the person she fell in love with. I started writing out my thoughts and how I think my actions are affecting us and I am going to share those with her in hopes we can get on the same page.
Grace Grace
Submitted by Where Have All ... on
Hello KHP,
First, I must say...Well Done! Great Job and you are awesome! The simple fact you're seeking help, loving your family, trying...is SO HUGE! Well done bro! So many just give up, check out and walk away.
My 1st advice would be, Grace! Have grace on yourself...grace on your wife, she needs to have grace on you....GRACE! Allowance to mess up, be messy and fall. And acceptance back with love and forgiveness when it all falls apart. (yes, acceptance and love to yourself also.) Your wife is in a HIGHLY hormonal state expecting a little one. So EVERYTHING is magnified by 1million. Remember this. One day a drop of rain will be like the world is ending, the next day, let it pour and it's all good. AND she has another little person to care for. She also might be feeling some fear because, lets be honest, sometimes with the ADHD, things fall...okay, they fall thru the cracks a lot, and she might be fearing because: can she depend on you to be there for her? Can she do it? Will she totally fall apart? Can she handle the newborn stage? Can you all survive? She is feeling desperation like: "I NEED YOU, my HUSBAND, to be all you can be for me." She is in one of the weakest most vulnerable states she will ever be in being pregnant and about to birth to a human being. My advice would be, when 3 year old darling girl is in bed, just sit and hold your wife and tell her its all going to be OKAY! You are there for her. You understand how hard this all must be. Don't talk about you. Just talk about her and give her a shoulder rub or something she needs. That might be huge. It was for me.
I am a Non-ADHD wife with a 4 year old and 2year old. I know exactly how your wife might feel. Motherhood is the most difficult thing i've ever done and takes everything. And when I was pregnant with our 2nd, I was so intensely affected by everything. We had some major betrayal issues occur between husband and myself and some close family-like friends that nearly ended our marriage during my pregnancy. We fought, screamed, cried...it was the worst time of my life. But we made it and love one-another and are committed. I know my husband loves me to death, though his actions or lack of action speaks different. I must believe the best in him and know the motive of his heart is love. Your wife needs to believe this too. I don't know if she has read Melissa's book, The ADHD Affect on Marriage, but that book really helped me. It gave me compassion for my husband and understanding. Also, I saw where I needed to change. I would recommend she reads it, or listens to youtube videos on how ADHD affects a person so she has better understanding. And when my husband just holds me and tells me everything is going to be okay....makes a huge difference!
hope this helps and know you are not alone. never stop fighting.
Thank you
Submitted by PHK803 on
Thank you! This has been a battle and I just realized that this has started because of my behavior. I was in denial that there is no way I caused this all on my own. Now that I have read what I'm actually doing it is tearing me apart because I realize how bad I have hurt her. We had a fight the other day and we haven't talked much since. We both work very busy jobs and different schedules so it will be till next week where we actually get to sit down and talk seriously about this. I hope with this time we both are able to bring new ideas to the table on how to help each other.
I have just started today writing down my thoughts and want to continue to do this daily. I think by doing this I am able to continue to push myself to be the husband she deserves and the father I have always wanted to be. I need to start helping her more on tasks around the house and following through with things I say I am going to do. And I know that this has been one of the things that has hurt us the most is because I have said this numerous times so I know she is very hurt and upset that I say this. Now the time is to work on this and really mean what I say.
these past few days have been really tough for me and I know they have been tough for her. This is not what we had thought our marriage was going to be like. I hope that she will want to talk and let me explain some things that I have read up on.
Communication!
Submitted by Dagmar on
Apologizing is one thing, but I know that in my relationship we once had an argument where I screamed "I DON'T CARE HOW SORRY YOU ARE, I WANT YOU TO STOP DOING IT!"
You sound like you're on a good track, realizing how you are contributing to the situation, but you need to make sure your wife sees that you know this EVERY TIME. For instance, my husband and I have some external stressors going on in our life right now, so he's totally reverting and it's making me crazy. We have fought for years over him leaving his closet light on - I get annoyed when I'm comfy and in bed and I shut off my light and then I notice the closet blaring in my eyes and have to get up again and walk across the room to turn his closet off. He would always deny that he did it. Then I'd start pointing it out, then he'd say "it was only once," and accuse me of being hyper critical, which would cause me to point it out more often and make him turn it off himself, even if he had left the room.
But since we've improved our communication, I'll say "Hey, you left the light on again," and he says "oops, sorry" and turns it off. No denying, no arguing, no accusations. Then I don't feel gaslit and so I stop pointing it out every time he does it. Actually, he's doing it so much lately, I'm probably going to say to him soon "this is becoming more frequent, please pay more attention," and I expect him to actually make an effort to do so and not argue that he doesn't do it and I'm being critical.
Because that's the biggest issue. The job not being done is a huge issue, but the marriage-ender is the insistence that the non-adhd spouse is unreasonable. The apology needs to come with a noticeable effort to change and acknowledgement when you slip.
Communication
Submitted by PHK803 on
We hit that point the other day. I said I was sorry and she said she is tired of hearing it so don't say it again not even two minutes later I said it again and she just told me to leave the room. From that point we haven't spoke much. I am afraid that this time I pushed to far. I don't mean to do what I do. I am madly in love in with my wife and would do anything for her.
What does this look like from your point of view? What should I do differently to start the communication. I tell her anytime I see her or if I leave that I love her and when she is at work I will send a text saying I love you.
Well, right there is the problem!
Submitted by Dagmar on
I get that you get focused on stuff, and I get that you forget things, but if she says "don't say you're sorry" and you apologize again, it shows that you aren't listening to her and whether or not you mean it that way, it feels antagonistic to her.
When you do these things that you're apologizing for, do you try and fix them? Do you do anything different? A big fight that I used to have with my husband and I'm now having with my ADHD daughter is "but you didn't try NOT to."
For instance, my husband tightens lids as tightly as he can. He's a bass player and has very strong hands. I have smaller-than-average hands and am kinda wimpy. He is also irrationally worried about jar lids coming off, because I guess that happened to him once and the jar spilled, so he is purposefully over-tightening them, and has been for years. He doesn't even know he does it anymore. I have purchased every jar opener known to man, but he puts lids on so tightly that I have found myself more than once, holding a jar with my feet while using both hands and an opener to get the lid off and literally crying in frustration.
When we had kids who used a bottle, this became a huge deal. It would take me half an hour to remove the bottle tops to put them in the dishwasher and I sometimes couldn't open them all. Our marriage counselor recommended that every time he tightened a lid, he needed to think to himself "F---k Dagmar, I don't care if she can't open this later" because that is how it felt to me. He couldn't see how frustrating it was because he "wasn't trying to over-tighten them." But my issue was that he wasn't trying NOT to over-tighten them.
Whatever these things are that you feel you need to apologize for, you need to make sure you're taking the steps NOT to do them. Do you need to make a list? Set reminders on your phone? Leave a sticky note on the lightswitch to remind yourself to turn it off? That's what she needs to see. It's a lot easier to understand ADHD if you see the other person TRYING not to do these things.
So right now, in the middle of my husband leaving his closet light on all the time, I do see him stop at the doorway sometimes, turn around and go back and shut it off, and then he apologizes. If he only apologized, and I still had to get up and turn off the light, I'd be furious. Apologies mean nothing if you don't do something to make it right.
To be more clear
Submitted by Dagmar on
Instead of texting her "I love you," say "I set a reminder today to do that thing I forgot to do last week, and now it's done! I love you." If she says "don't say sorry again," reply with, "you're right, it's frustrating that I'm sitting here on the couch when you're doing all the childcare. Baby was smelling a little rank a minute ago, how about I give him a bath." Try not to ask her what to do, unless you really need to and if you ask her then MAKE SURE you do it, because there's nothing more frustrating than somone asking you how to help them and then they have to follow up with you to make sure it happens.
And if you are doing that stuff already, make sure you TELL HER. A lot of people with ADHD (like my husband) don't like to tell people when they're working on something because they are worried they won't finish. But that creates additional stress for the non-ADHD partner because they don't know if the other person has dropped the ball and they are going to have to run with it, or if they can relax and not worry about the situation. Your wife needs additional reassurance, like a text that says "after work, I'm going to stop at the store and get that part we need to fix that thing." You know you remembered to get it, but she's obsessing over whether or not she needs to leave work early to get that part, and if she should nag you to make sure you get it, and if you'll be short with her if she asks you about it.
Ah ha!
Submitted by PHK803 on
It's all making sense. We have never had these type of discussions because for me I hate being wrong and that's another flaw for me. I am feeling myself do more this past week and it's not just because of our fight it's because it is all clocking and I'm trying my hardest to be my best.
Keep going!
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Keep going. Accept that there will be setbacks for whatever reason but show your wife you are still actively working on whatever you committed yourself. A few victories that she acknowledges will be a great help.