I'm 40, and I was only diagnosed two weeks ago after our couples therapist (literally in our 2nd session, it was wild), suggested I get tested. It was the absolute first time anyone had even mentioned this as a possibility. Of course looking back it makes sense (sound familiar?)
I saw this as the "good diagnosis" so many of you all have talked about...finally it was the --potential-- answer to a lot of the issues we had been having around communication, dependability, etc. As I've read more about couples in this situation (From Melissa's books as well as GIna Pera's) we are in the same exact spot and fell in the same exact traps as so many who start this journey. When my nose is in those books, I'm filled with hope and optimism when i'm usually filled with dread and frustration and fear. Even Melissa's own story very much mirrors our own.
I've thrown myself into my ADD (inattentive), and given myself over to treatments including making therapy and medication (Wellbutrin, so it's not really kicked in yet) and trying (I think successfully) to start other good habits such as reminders and alarms.
I literally had no idea until 30 days ago that I was NOT a smart, yet chronic underachiever who just had keep trying that little bit harder for elusive gains in organization and dependability.
The massive issue, and difference between the couples in the books and us is that, even though the first few days after diagnosis were good for us as we joked and talked about it, my wife is now so angry that I waited so long to talk to a mental health professional that she isn't sure she can even start the process with me. So it's not that I'm denying my ADHD or am hesitant to start treatments, it's that I waited about 2-3 years from the time she started urging me to see someone for my failing confidence (after our 2nd baby and things really started feeling overwhelming), to the time that I actually went. FWIW I have talked to a therapist for the past YEAR, but even he missed this diagnosis!
The thing is, i don't know why i waited so long either. It sounds so dumb in hindsight, but I really don't know. I guess I just always thought I was so close to being 'good' that it seemed like too big or drastic of a step to take.
From everything in the books, it's a two person committed journey. I know she may be in the grieving phase (and our therapist last night in our follow-up suggested she needs to grieve for the relationship she thought she was getting), but we left our session last night with the task to actually give each other space to work out our issues...for me to start to get a handle on my ADHD in daily life, and for her to work through being angry at me and grieving and then figure out if she wants to start this rebuilding process.
So now I want her to be on this journey so badly and I just have to wait and endure this time where I know my wife is SO angry with me and she grieves and I'm not even sure that at the end of it I'll have a partner ready to go on this road to recovery. Our therapist suggested specfically NOT talking about our issues for the next few weeks, but the only thing i want to do is show her the books, the underlined passages, the part specifically about grieving and tips and how it helps and the hope and optimism.
How will I get through these few weeks (while also working on my own steps forward)...and what if the reward for doing so is a spouse and best friend unwilling to be with me?
why why why did i wait so long and at this point how can I show her it wasn't because i didn't care?!?!
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Submitted by Feeling ADDefeated on
.
Huh!
Submitted by repeat that please on
Congrats on your discovery!
I have a few questions, if that's okay?
What are the qualifications of the individual who diagnosed you?
Your SO is grieving now because it took you so long to get a diagnosis period, or because she sees the changes the diagnosis has made in you that would have emerged years ago had you taken her advice back then?
Hi, our couples counselor is
Submitted by Feeling ADDefeated on
Hi, our couples counselor is an LMHC in our state and the person I went to for more formal diagnosis is a psychiatrist with speciality in ADHD, depression and anxiety.
My SO has anger that getting the diagnosis at all took so long when she had been asking me to see someone for a few uears prior. The therapist I have been seeing for a year who did not bring it up is a LICSW.
i'm confused. bear with me, please
Submitted by repeat that please on
Is she mad at your therapist for overlooking your ADD, too? Does your SO have experience diagnosing ADHD? Is she versed in the science of ADHD as you are becoming? Did she inform your therapist about the symptoms she experienced with you? What does your SO believe is the most crippling aspect of your ADD?
Wellbutrin is not a first line medication for the treatment for ADHD. Did your doctor explain why he chose it for you?
You write very well. How has your ADD impacted you? Did you struggle in school? On jobs?
it's all confusing :-)
Submitted by Feeling ADDefeated on
She is not happy with my therapist, no. It's possible she feels that the therapy wasn't intense enough or that we were just talking rather than solving something. It's part of her anger and likely bewilderment. While a strong proponent of mental health and someone who works hard to acheive it herself on a daily basis, she is not qualified to diagnose ADHD. I know it hurt her that, while she was working hard to improve her own mental health, I didn't do much if anything to address mine. So while technically I was only diagnosed recently, the feeling is that if I had been on board and in concert with my own mental health while she was attending to hers that this would have found sooner. Who really knows if that is the case but it did create a lot of anger and hurt for her.
Wellbutrin was prescribed because i was concurrently diagnosed with Dysthymia and Anxiety. So the thought is to treat those with Wellbutrin, which is also a popular 2nd level choice for improving ADD because of it's knack for improving executive function. Once the Wellbutrin stablized inside of me in a few weeks we will talk about if it makes sense for a more traditional ADD med to be taken concurrently.
I write well because it's been my one outlet where I've recieved consistant compliments, but even then I get "why don't you write more, you're so good!" and then feel bad becasue it only comes in flashes (sound familar?). Not to brag but I'm quite intelligent (almost aced my ACTs in high school) and was able to get by without having to do things like study because I could hyperfocus in test situations. In college I went to 4 schools and took me 5.5 years to get my bachelors. I did 2 study-abroads to different countries. After college I spent 3 years bouncing around to different countries and back to home trying to find something that stuck. In work I spent almost exactly 2 years at 5 jobs in a row for my first 10 years of "being a grown-up" because I would get bored. Most I left on my own but a few I was let go. I have a good job now where i've been able to switch roles within the same company. Again, I get by because people see me as 'the smart guy' because i can do things like multiply big numbers in my head so they just assume I'm smart and good at other stuff when I'm really quite average.
What I think you're getting at with my SO are all logical points and things that I was expecting her to feel. I'm seeing now, however, that things don't work out logically at times like this. I have to have faith and give her the space to work through her legitimate anger and grief for how she's felt for several years...and then hope that she comes to similar conclusions that you have and then decide to keep going on this journey with me.
Thanks again
"she is not qualified to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"she is not qualified to diagnose ADHD.": I believe that your wife is not a trained mental health professional and thus is not qualified to diagnose ADHD. But it sounds like the following things also are true: she has been living with you, and she observed your behavior, and she asked you to seek help, and you didn't, and then finally you did and got a diagnosis and now you might be conveying to her that her observations and experience living with you and attempts to get you to seek help didn't count or were irrelevant.
You can handle this.
Submitted by SweetandSour on
You can handle this. Hindsight is 20/20 (so it's said anyway...), but why you did something the way you did really isn't as important as the fact of where you are now and what you're doing now. For there to be real change in your relationship you will have to have hope and motivation for longer than the next few weeks. If your wife really needs that long before she can talk about the situation then you can show her the tips and the underlines then. Or, maybe, she will look at them now as long as she doesn't have to discuss them with you. I assume you will still be going to the counselor together (?). Maybe you can share your feelings there. It is understandable that you are anxious about your wife's reaction and what she'll choose going forward, but if you push her and she feels railroaded the outcomes are less likely to be what you want them to be. I'm sure you can let her know that you love her and care about her in the meantime - that's a win-win no matter what. Good luck on your journey! I hope you and your wife can work together and build a relationship you can both be happy in!
Thank you
Submitted by Feeling ADDefeated on
Thank you, I like what you said about having to have hope. Already looking back at my post of course i felt what I felt, but injecting more hope will help me. Also, youre right about how railroading her will have the opposite effect. The therapist said something like "you probably not going to like it, but its really the only path to a positive outcome being possible."
Let her be and write a letter
Submitted by SandeeBee on
I am the wife of an ADHD guy (37) diagnosed about a month ago. It was the opposite for us. He was angry and in denial and I was relieved, started the research and kept positive. Our therapist said the same thing to me: leave him alone, let him digest and do the work himself. It was really hard for me not to try to control the situation but to my surprise he did it! It took him very little time to start the research, listen to books, watch YouTube videos and he’s already doing much better even without starting meds, which I promised I wouldn’t push on him. I think your therapist is right. Leave her alone, let her go through the process and it’ll get better. In the meantime it might be helpful to write her a letter. That’s what my therapist told me to do and I did and it’s helped us a lot. Mine was an apology letter but yours can be a plea for her to join you on this new journey. Tell her how much you love her and want her to do this with you.
Thank you
Submitted by Feeling ADDefeated on
I appreciate your ideas, its been so interesting seeing how many different combinations and dynamics within couples all impacted by the same thing...a diagnosis. I will have to limit myself to maybe a one page letter though, otherwise i would end up writing a book!
Here are my thoughts, based
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Here are my thoughts, based on my own experience. I say that because I don't want you to think that I assume that my experience will apply to you or your wife.
1) Two weeks is a very short time. It is not unusual for people with ADHD to be excited about things (e.g., a diagnosis) in the short term and then rapidly lose interest when the activity is harder than they expected or when the experience isn't consistently positive. "Nons" (people without ADHD) are often very familiar with the phenomenon of the person with ADHD falling off the wagon in this way. I suggest being patient.
2) Sticking with treatment and behavior change for the ADHD almost certainly will help you, the person with ADHD. It might or might not help your relationship. If your behavior changes stick and your wife likes what she sees, she probably will come around.
Thanks
Submitted by Feeling ADDefeated on
You're right, she's used to false starts and false dawns. I hope I can push through this time, finally knowing that I've even had that pattern before and getting help to fix it on many fronts...this forum being one of them. Really the moment I realized (finally) that I have to do this for me rather than for her is the moment I started to feel more calm and ready to accept that she has grieving to do on her own and that I have to give her space to do that.
Your response it typical....
Submitted by c ur self on
Your response is what is normal for most who post here in your situation.....You are wanting to manipulate (not accept her feelings) your wife out of her reality.....You are 40....If you live to be 80 or longer, do you want a much better life for yourself, no matter what your wife does?? That's the question you need to answer....You can't do one thing about what your wife thinks, feels or does....Just like she couldn't do one thing about what you think, feel or do?.....You got to get this part, or you will just live the rest of your life blaming others for your problems.....Just be a man on a daily mission to be 100% self aware of himself....The reason your spouse is in the shape she is in mentally and emotionally (based on your post) is because you haven't done that....Make you a list of what you do with your time....There will be things that must change....You would have always kept her happy, if you had not been excusing yourself for not disciplining your life, to put your time and energy into the high priority things in the marriage....Many of those things are not exciting or fun, but are crucial to sharing in life, and the work of a marriage.....This isn't about you, and I'm not trying to be hard on you...It's about me and every husband as well.....When we step up to vow table (adhd or not) we need to do what we vowed or stop destroying our wife's life and move on.....I suggest you realize the futility of trying to talk to your wife...She has heard the S*** for years....Just do this for you!....Because you want to be a better man.....Oh, I promise you she will notice when she see's real lasting change....But if your efforts are to convince her, then nothing you try will last anyway....It better be because you know the product your life has been producing is unacceptable.....Think what life would be like, if she lived like you have been??
Yep, stop allowing your mind to want to brush off the past hurts and pain she has dealt with.....All that say's is you only care about yourself.....
I know you can do it.....I lived w/ a paper note in my front pocket for many years....With a list of things I was suppose to do each day....I prioritized the list, and every time I put my hand in my pocket I touched that crumbled up piece of paper....I updated it (marked through) every time I finished a task, and added to it as I realized a need, or committed to someone to do something....I numbered each item based on priority...At the end of the day, the things I didn't complete, that had a lower priority went on the next days slip of paper...Simple and effective....But I had to recognize the need, and do it....I had to care....
Best wishes...
c
Thank you C
Submitted by Feeling ADDefeated on
Thanks C for your frank words. As you know, sometimes that's just what you need. I'm definitely implementing suggestions to get more organized and consistent like you've done, and your voice is already one of those in my head to spur me on as I try to break through the barrier of me doing this because it's new and of immediate importance to it just being a thing I do day in day out for months and years even when it gets boring or uninteresting.
I am where your wife is
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Unfortunately, my husband is not where you are. Though ADHD has been brought to his attention, he is in denial. We have been married 17 years, living together for 20 total. But I am where your wife is... fed up and done with doing all the trying on my side... so I thought I'd try to offer some perspective on your wife. If my husband were to suddenly feel as you feel now, I think I would be happy (for him), but it couldn't erase the many difficult years we have had together. It took me a long time to give up and when I did, the switch flipped in my head. Flipping it back would be hard work because it requires me to be vulnerable again and put my hope and effort into our relationship... something that has never paid off for me in the past. But what I do think would work with me is if my husband continued to do what you are doing - absorbing everything you can about ADHD - and started to put changes into practice for a sustained length of time. For your own sake, you can't do do everything at once, but maybe you can do a few things she will really notice. And once you do those things for a few months, she might start to trust in your commitment to change. E.G. Take your medication on time every time (use a reminder system if you have to). And then maybe take a couple of things off her plate that you know are hard on her. Maybe you can take the kids out and give her time to herself once a week (be consistent). Maybe you can start cleaning the bathroom top to bottom every Saturday or clean up after dinner every night. Maybe you can clean out the garage she has been complaining about for years and see it through to completion. These things would mean a LOT to me. If my husband were to self-start (and finish!) things that absolutely needed doing, this would be taking jobs and worries off my plate and I would notice and appreciate it. You can just quietly do these things... showing her vs. telling her that you are committed to treatment, being a reliable partner and rebuilding your relationship. Only much later when you can see she has come around and will be more receptive maybe you can start putting some of the emotional relationship-builders into place, too (initiating time together, etc.).
I don't know if any of this helps. If it is uplifting at all, based on your post, your relationship was likely heading to doomsville without the diagnosis... this gives you a fighting chance and I would much rather my husband be where you are at than where he is at.
I can't imagine how overwhelmed, optimistic and scared you must feel all at once right now. I wish you all the best and hope you find a lot of positives post-diagnosis. :)
Great suggestions! I lost a
Submitted by SandeeBee on
Great suggestions! I lost a lot of trust and faith in my husband and he has started to earn it back by showing me what he CAN do and staying consistent. It makes a world of difference. Take the meds, try your best and stay consistent. SHOW her.
^^THIS
Submitted by daizzebelle on
All of this, 100%...it would mean everything to me if my husband would take responsibility for *himself*
I have one foot out the door already. If he *showed* me that he was doing the work to manage his ADD symptoms, I would definitely give our marriage another chance.
Like melody, many times I have seen him get excited about something new and then quit as soon as the newness wore off and he realized that sticking with the new system would take consistent effort. He would have to show me that he is going to stick with it (I'm talking months of sticking with it, not days or weeks) before I would dare to hope that he is going to actually follow through. I've been disappointed too many times and I am not willing to open myself up to more disappointment.
Thank you
Submitted by Feeling ADDefeated on
Thank you Melody for your kind and honest response. I'm sorry about what is happening in your relationship, I really appreciate you still being able to share with me an honest (and I think pretty close) portrayal of how my wife is likely feeling. She has definitely said that she has 'flipped the switch' in some ways because feeling numb is better than feeling terrible. It's a long road back, and that's if she even wants to start. As far as what I can do, The showing vs telling idea is key, and even then it's not really 'Showing' her in the sense of pointing out improvements...it's just doing them because it's the right thing to do and then hope/trust/believe that she will notice.
I hope your husband comes around. Even just in the past weeks since diagnosis I've felt so much better just giving myself over to the diagnosis and how to get better. I'm already calmer, more confident, and optimistic about who I am and what I can do. I'm a pretty intelligent person (a reason nobody suspected ADD in me) and yet for probably 25 years I've been beating myself up for being not quite as good as I should be in life. If your husband feels at all that way about himself, then giving himself over to the diagnosis and treatment (notcie I didn't say 'giving in') could just end up being a massive relief. I'm happy to communicate with him about my experience if you think it would help.
I wish the best for you.
I say give her space. I've
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I say give her space. I've had situations with my BF when he expects me to move on/forward right away. Some things are not that easy to move past or get over. Sometimes its a matter of trust. Actions speak louder..
Thank you
Submitted by Feeling ADDefeated on
Thanks Adele, and you're so right. if I do make it through this I'm definitely getting a tattoo that says "actions speak louder"
As the wife of an ADD husband
Submitted by daizzebelle on
I have a bit of a different point of view. IMO the reward for you for managing your ADD symptoms is a better life for *you* regardless of what your wife decides.
I don't know her and I don't know what she is thinking or feeling right now but it does not surprise me that after the initial relief of having a diagnosis she feels angry at you for waiting 3 years to see a doctor.
My advice is give her space. Let her process her feelings at her pace. Don't rush her.
When you feel anxious, don't bring your anxiety to her. Learn to manage your anxiety yourself. Solve your own problems. Exercise when you feel anxious. Or meditate. I love 10% Happier: meditation for fidgety skeptics. Free app.
Too soon to tell what the future will bring. Take care of yourself. Show her that you are doing the work. Hang in there. It may take a long time for her to believe that you are committed to change.
I agree, daizzebelle. Thanks
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I agree, daizzebelle. Thanks for expressing this so well.
Thanks PI
Submitted by daizzebelle on
I appreciate that! :)
Yes yes thank you
Submitted by Feeling ADDefeated on
Thanks for your point of view, it really helps things for me. Not rushing her and especially not bringing my anxiety about it to her is suuuuper difficult but also very necessary if there is any hope. She has said "I can't be your wife and your therapist" and that is very true. It's tough because as life has become more complicated (and in my ADD eyes "Overwhelming") with kids and work and living in a big city, I've cut down on other parts of my life so that I only had to manage my job (and even then at a bare minimum to keep it and provide for my family) and my family. So cutting sports, friends, even family so that I only had a few things to think about has now left me without much of a support network to fall back on. I really like your idea of that meditation app (I know it's good for ADD but I have not had success in the past. I've started trying again now in the past week) and exercise to reduce my anxiety. And even just writing this post and seeing caring people out there reading and answering has been so helpful.
I know it's going to take awhile for her to believe I can sustain change. Even now I'm approaching this as an ADD person would...throwing myself into it and going 100mph because I can see i dire consequence if I don't. The real test will come when it starts to feel like a grind. Can I pull through it. Well stay tuned :-)
Thanks again
FeelingADDefeated, I'm like your wife
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Hey friend. So glad you found the site here. There are wonderful folks here that are very empathetic to the many aspects of ADHD, and living with it. My husband was diagnosed about 13 yrs ago, he was around 50 yrs old. The doctor out him on Concerta first, and then an anti-depressant like Wellbutrin. The Concerta works very well, and I'm wondering why you were only put on an anti depressant without also an ADHD med. (well the Dr. knows best, just curious)
Anyway, it was a relief to know that H had ADHD, but he didn't learn much about it. Plus, he's still in denial of its effects 13 yrs later. Anyway, We've gone through some serious difficulties, and I wanted SO bad for him to learn more, and understand himself, the condition and how we could be a closer married couple. He just didn't and the psychiatrist he was seeing didn't help him much, neither did the first counselor we went to. (No mention of the ADHD symptoms) It took a serious toll on me, and I felt very unwanted and unloved for a long time, until I decided to change myself. But, it wasn't a good change. I thought if I stopped "feeling" so much for him, I would not hurt so much. I changed emotionally towards him, and pulled away for self preservation, but I ended up hurting myself.
The past 8, 10 months, he's been acting different towards me. He's being kind, and thoughtful, and honestly trying to make me happy, He's even had a change of heart, and is now being loving, where he had stopped after we got married. I never understood why. (There's a lot more involved, but I don't want to write a novel, which it could be)
I loved him very much, and didn't understand this mis-communication between us, and what seemed like avoidance of many things from him. He buried himself into work and the computer, and avoided me and our family. Anyway, you get the picture.
He's being different now, and it seems genuine, but now I'm the one who's having trouble now, accepting this. I've even surprised myself, because I didn't think I would ever react like this. I'm not a vindictive person. But, I have had to grieve a relationship that I didn't have, but hoped I'd someday enjoy. I wanted him to do this for SO many years, and he waited until I literally hated myself for even having desires, before he decided to focus on us and our marriage. I went back and forth in mental gymnastics, trying to work out things like, "he can't help it", "he doesn't really love me", "he can't be any other way", "stop expecting anything from him". It almost destroyed me mentally.
I thought I had come to some sort of terms about it, even if I didn't like it. It was just SO MANY years and so many tears. We're old now, 62 and 63, I don't feel attractive or pretty any more, don't feel like he could want me now after not wanting me all these years, so how COULD he want me now? (The questions I was asking myself) I know I wasn't handling it well at all, and really didn't know what else to do.
But, now he IS being consistent, and is trying every day to do something nice for me. It's going to take some time for me, but I do appreciate what he's doing and I tell him that. My heart isn't into it yet too much, because I guess I'm still afraid it's going to end any day. Too many unfinished projects I guess. Lol
I'm not trying to lay a guilt trip on you, not all ALL. I'm just explaining ME, and what I've been going through. I do care enough about my husband and us to try and work this out. It will just take me some time before I can really put my faith and trust into it 100%. But, so far it is getting better, a little at a time.
I do wish you and your wife well. And I pray that both of you will work through this and come out stronger than you could even imagine. I believe she can work through it. I understand her anger, because I had to get the anger out too. It was at all the "lost" years, that I know I'll never get back, and was often wasted. It did hurt, and the hurt comes out like anger.
I am SO HAPPY for you that you've got this diagnosis, and are working on making the changes. Stay with it. You will certainly benefit from it greatly. I wish you BOTH well.
Thank you
Submitted by Feeling ADDefeated on
Wow thank you so much for sharing your experience. I could hear my wife in many things you shared, and it helps to know (though tough to hear) that even as i make progress it will take a long time to build back trust because you are so used to it fading eventually again.
To answer your meds question, I was simultaneously diagnosed with dysthymia and anxiety so the thought is to treat that with Wellbutrin since has also been shown as an off label treatment to improve executive function. If this proves effective we will look into a supplemental treatment. It seems like the right thing right now the years of feeling not good enough have taken their toll and that needs fixing too.
Thank you again for your words of encouragement, It really means a lot. I hope you continue your path to healing and that your husband stays consistant.
that's what confuses me
Submitted by repeat that please on
yes you're right!
Submitted by Feeling ADDefeated on
I replied to your other comment, but you're right it does seem strange that initially she was happy about the diagnosis but now she's angry. I think the 'why didn't this all happen sooner' is just so strong for her it's hard to get past (at least for now).
The funny part is that with all these changes I'm trying to make, I little voice in my head says that maybe I shouldn't do it because maybe the reaction from her will be "Why didn't you do x sooner?".
I think what helps at that point is some of the advice I've received from others on here...to do this for myself and then hope my wife sees the positive improvements. If I'm doing this for myself and make progress and take action then the only person for whom I can control the reaction (ME) is happy...and then others can choose how they want to react.
?
Submitted by repeat that please on
Feeling, thanks for your response. There's much about what you write that I am not grasping. Would you mind listing your symptoms? How has ADD severely impacted your life negatively? In what ways do you think it has harmed your relationship specifically? Are you struggling to reach your full potential on the job, socially, as a father? Do you start many projects without finishing them? Are you terribly disorganized? Have trouble concentrating while reading, following directions, meeting deadlines with your SO? So far, from what I can gather, you are doing well in many ways. The birth of your second child triggered overwhelming feelings, but isn't that sort of normal with the addition of a new born? Do you/have you used anything to "wake up" your brain?
Everyone else has given
Submitted by Sollertiae on
Everyone else has given excellent advice regarding your wife that does not need repeating. Instead I want to remind you to have some self compassion in this journey, because you will need it. By this I don't mean excusing yourself from past actions, but remembering instead that castigating yourself for not acting earlier, for not picking it up (something which even professionals clearly struggle with) is not going to help, nor be changed. In your post you were asking yourself why you didn't do this earlier? Well, as you say in response to questions about the Wellbutrin, you were co diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Neither of which are known for their great openess to change and their ability to bring clarity and clearheadedness to daily existence - even without executive order dysfunction. There is no stupidity here, but simply an overwhelming of symptoms that have been building up and damaging your life.
Be kind to yourself, and keep trying. :)