Hi, everyone! I'm new here. English is not my first language, so please bear with me. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 6. He's 36. We've been together for almost 20 years now (highschool sweethearts). I consider myself to be a very patient person, but now that we have a baby (1 yo), I'm just so very tired of everything. I love my husband, I really do, but I don't think I can take this any more. We just started couples therapy to try and save our marriage, but sometimes I feel like there's nothing else I can do. I don't even have the strainght to write about it here, I'm just so tired. He is an amazing father, human and He's very smart. But he doesn't know what he wants, he is a total mess, he is so aggressive sometimes, he is very critical and judgmental to everyone around him, he has a hard time sticking to jobs, sometimes it seems like he doesn't quite accept and know how ADHD affects our lives, and it's so frustrating. Don't know what to do anymore. My family and some friends that LOVE him are actually being very supportive and saying they understand me, which I'm very surprised about because somehow he made me believe that all of our issues were in my head. Does anyone have any tips on what to do? I'm so lost and tired! Thanks
Tired and lost
Submitted by TiredPartnerBr on 05/25/2023.
Welcome, and thanks for
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Welcome, and thanks for reaching out. It helps to know that others are going through the same issues you are, and to have positive reinforcement for your feelings.
What next steps you take depend upon your specific situation, but one of the best ways to start addressing that question is my first book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage. It comes in both print and also audiobook, depending upon which language is better for you (as well as Dutch, Japanese, Mandarin and, soon, Spanish).
Learning more is the first step for both you and your husband, though my guess from. your description is that your husband will be sensitive to the topic. Don't push him too hard because that will set up him resisting you. But do start learning, as you will find ideas that you may judge will be of interest to you both...those are the ideas to share.
Best to you!
Not in your head
Submitted by Jinsai on
I just want to say, the issues are not in your head. They are a result of his unmanaged ADHD. If he insists on blame-shifting, know that that's what he's doing: blame-shifting. You can't do a thing about his symptoms. Only he can. I feel for you, and am in a very similar situation, and hope you find a solution sooner than later. Hugs.
I'm sorry
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Sorry to hear about what you're experiencing. If I could give one piece of advice, it would be to trust yourself. You know what you're seeing (the issues aren't in your head) so trust your own experience. If you have a hard time hanging on to this, I would recommend individual therapy... a therapist just for you can help you make sense of things when a partner is manipulating your or even unintentionally minimizing your experience in the relationship.
You can probably also tell from your couples therapy whether or not he/you as a couple are going to make enough meaningful changes to feel actually happy and fulfilled in your relationship. Rough patches are one thing, but over the long haul, a relationship should feel joyful and supportive, not draining and exhausting. I also think if you end up knowing you want to leave or you already know, that's okay. You don't have to try to save things if YOU don't want to no matter what ANYONE else says and it's especially wonderful that you have friends and family who support you. You never know... they may love him, but maybe they actually see some of the problems too.
Trust yourself and do what's best for YOU and your baby. :)
What can I say, I have ADHD.
Submitted by Shads on
What can I say, I have ADHD. My wife is like you, very patient and she has had enough of me. Even though I haven't lost my patience in a while. I really feel for you. Please keep strong and stay together as we find outselves and try and help out more.