I have been in therapy for over six months after getting busted for lying to my wife (of nearly 8 years) about my pornography use and nearly ruining my marriage. Again. In therapy, I discovered that I likely have ADD. My therapist seems to think I'm on the cusp, though, and not hyper, and so doesn't want to recommend medication, especially since I haven't used pornography once in over seven months. My physician, as well, is hesitant to prescribe meds since they are a controlled substance I would be taking for the rest of my life.
The problem is that I still get so overwhelmed over such dumb stuff, and I can't really afford for that to be happening, since I need to be rebuilding a marriage right now. Sometimes I feel like I can see myself losing control, and try as I might (and I do, I swear I do) to take responsibility and rectify the situation, it gets all screwed up and WAY worse really quick.
Tonight, for instance, I was supposed to make dinner for my wife while she studied. The recipe was easy enough, and we had all the ingredients, but the house (and especially the kitchen) was a mess, and I quickly became overwhelmed. Knowing that I couldn't really do this, that there wasn't room for me to lose it, I tried to stay cool, to just kind of take it on and keep it together, even thinking, okay, maybe I'll have a beer while I cook, that should help keep everything mellow. But no, and I couldn't even piece it together to explain it now, but we argued, she packed her things up to go to school, I groveled, she got in the car, I texted her that I was done and would be better and please stay, she drove off, and I threw my phone. And broke it.
This is not how I want to be. Duh. And I don't even feel like I know what's going on, and I really don't want to make excuses or hide behind anything, but I feel like this is happening way too often and it's scary and I hate it. Is it ADD? Anxiety? Why do I get so angry? Why can't I get anybody to just medicate me so I can try to rebuild my life and my marriage? I mean, I like my therapist - he's the one who noticed the ADD and had me read Hallowell's book in the first place, so it's confusing.
I guess I'm feeling pretty helpless right now. I don't want to lose my wife - and I want to be a dad someday, but not like this.
tell your therapist
Submitted by brendab on
Daniel,
You have done a good job telling it like it happened. Print this and give it to your therapist and ask them what you should do the next time. Our thoughts control our actions and you may just need a different way to look at the situation or maybe some kind of meds short term to help you make the transition.
i think it is very difficult for therapists to understand what happens in our lives unless we give them these types of true stories. the way you wrote this made me feel like I was listening to a narrator as I watched it happen.
Brenda
Thanks, Brenda. I had an
Submitted by Daniel on
Thanks, Brenda. I had an appointment this afternoon - I didn't see your post until afterwards, but I did tell my therapist what happened. He's recommending I see a psychiatrist for anxiety and depression ("if you say ADHD she probably won't see you"). I'm not terribly depressed, but I did fill out a questionnaire when I first met my therapist after a particularly bad couple of weeks, so I guess I scored in the significant range or something. I guess I don't care if it means I can get a handle on this.
I was also able to figure out some strategies. My wife pointed out that for years I had convinced myself I couldn't stop using pornography but that now I've been able to, and that maybe this is the same. I think there's something to that - I hadn't really taken the time to unpack this behavior until now. I guess I'm pretty optimistic.
An off-topic sidenote on pornography: I've seen dudes on here talk about porn like it's okay since they have ADHD and need stimulation. That's a copout, and it's selfish. It fails to consider the unforgivable exploitation of the pornstars, particularly the women. I mention it because maybe somebody will stumble across this and think twice. I wish I would have. Here is a link to a site started by an ex-pornstar:
http://www.shelleylubben.com/pornstars (short excerpts from their full stories)http://www.shelleylubben.com/shelleys-articles (links to the full articles)
Overwhelm in the House
Submitted by Nettie on
Hey, Daniel. Remember those "well enough organized" and "delegate what you're bad at to others" tips in the book? In my house, I have designated work spaces I keep pristine so I don't get that overwhelmed feeling you describe when you tried to cook. The kitchen counter is one of those spaces, and so is my desk. I have piles of stuff other places, but at my work spaces, I can work effectively without so much distraction.
Sometimes, since I'm bad at housework, I ask my husband to help clean the kitchen so I don't get that head-about-to-explode sensation and impulsively order take-out.
If you hate housework too, save it for one of your hyper-focus periods (if you have them) and turn up the music. Making it fun is the most effective way I get the dishes done. Alcohol is a depressant, btw, and probably not a good idea around appliances that catch fire ;)
Music up? Check.
Submitted by Daniel on
Hey Nettie. Thanks for the advice. I'm not super into delegating cleaning responsibilities to my wife, since she's the law student and all, and if my math is right she'll be outearning me by nearly three times in a couple of years. Also, given our recent history, it's really important that I can prove myself to be a capable and dependable partner at this time.
And so, I'm happy to report that the kitchen is looking pretty sweet right now. Today is Saturday and I didn't have anything to do, so I made a list and was super productive. The cool part is that I was also able to watch part of a baseball game and most of a not-very-good baseball movie, and I STILL got a lot done. The point is that I'm learning that lists are going to be a big help to me, and checking things off is way more gratifying than I'd like to admit.
I actually do like housework, and it is pretty fun with the music way up. I think that's actually been a source of frustration lately - with her studying, I have to be pretty quiet as I dart from room to room, managing laundry and dishes and whatever else. But, I'm learning, and right now I'm pretty optimistic. If I can get some meds for the anxiety, I'll likely be even more optimistic, but if not, I'll have to work with what I've got, and I guess I've done it well enough before, I just need to remember that I can.
And look. I make my own beer. I've never lit anything on fire. And how else am I going to impulsively order takeout if not while drunk? I mean, who orders Little Ceasars on purpose?
iPod?
Submitted by jules on
Have you tried doing the housework with an iPod? My husband's music taste is not quite the same as mine, and he often likes listening to music when doing the dishes. He will then listen to the iPod to have it as loud as he likes without it bothering me.
I would also really try to get a doctor who will give the ADD thing serious consideration, especially with regards to meds. My husband has recently started taking Concerta and it has made a huge difference. Your note there about throwing the phone and breaking it rang bells with me - my husband used to do things like that out of anger / rage.
I admire your willingness to tackle this head on. Keep at it!!
Anger
Submitted by aniad01 on
I am angry now. Usually I am hopeful but I just can't take it anymore. I don't just put up with my husbands ADHD, I have adjusted my life and how I interact with not only him but with all of my family. I am always the recipient of his anger. I am sorry he has this and I am sorry that I am so tired of dealing with it. I am pleasant to a fault probably, when dealing with his condition. I guess that I enable him to not really get help.
One day I am the most wonderful creature on earth and he wonders why he has me in his life and how happy he is to have me. The next, you would think that I was a dog. Just for asking, in a nice way, if he is OK. He started saying his usual hurtfull tings and when he saw that I was hurt he just got worse. I make excuses for him so much that I felt sorry for him that he hurt me once again.
When I ask for an apology, not that you should have to ask, he starts blaming me for his anger. I just don't know where to turn for comfort anymore. It is so unfair to dump this on my child. She doesn't even know about this latest episode. I have made a committment not to discuss it with my sister because she finds it very hard to be around him anyway.
I can't live life this way anymore. I feel like such a failure because I can't stick it out with him anymore. I love him and really feel sad.
I am at the point of just calling it quits, again. We have been here so many times, I am embarrased to even tell my daughter that here we go again.
I want this marriage to work but I am beginning to really hate hearing his truck coming into the drive way. That's when he starts talking, talking, talking all baout himself and what he thinks and feels. He will even ask me questions and before I have answered his question he answers it himself and tells me why I am wrong for my opinion. He tells me what I am thinking and when I say that I am not thinking what he has prposed he treats me as if I am lying.
I have asked him not to come home tonight or for that matter ever again. I am selfish in doing this because I know that he loves me and I know that he thinks that I am great most of the time. His words just hurt so much that it erases all of the kind words that he has for me.
I know that this is petty but I just turned 56 this month. The day of my birthday he ran to wal-mart and bought a briefcase and left it sitting on the counter in the bag. He works hard but I do too. There was no card or anything. Then as the day went on my daughter and grandchildren came and spent the day. He criticized her for doing that. I loved it and knew that she did it because she feels sorry for me and his unthoughtfulness. I can't even be honest with him and tell him that I wanted her here. Several times I tried to talk to him about what I was feeling and he intterupted and told me what I felt.
I am feeling so terribly sad, I sit here and weep as I write this. The sad thing is I know that he would not understand even if I told him. It would become all about him again.
Help