I am new to this site, and feel grateful to have found it. I think right now I either need to be "talked off the bridge" leading to divorce or pushed off completely just to finally have some relief. My marriage is in big trouble and it has been for quite some time. At this point, there is essentially no communication between us except for the defensive, argumentative variety (if that is even "communicating"). Most days, it's better if we just ignore each other, but this is no way to live either. I take full responsibility for not always being the most loving, kind wife. I have said many things I wish I could take back. But I don't feel that I have ever built a wall around myself that won't let my husband in....ADD and a myriad of other issues seem to have built that wall around my husband, however. He is essentially emotionally and physically completely unavailable to me. His wall seems fortified.....The hardest part of all of this is that we have a young daughter (6). Thankfully, he is a wonderful father, although lately seems to lose patience and become highly irritable with her very quickly. But none of this is good for her....Parents who don't civilly interact with each other, parents who don't really interact at all, a family unit that is not a family unit. I don't remember the last time we all did a single activity together, and if we did, we didn't enjoy it or it wound up ending in emotional firestorm. Suffice it to say, I am completely fried.
Tired of the Roller Coaster.....losing hope.
Submitted by Mudge on 07/18/2010.
Roller coasters are supposed to be fun aren't they?
Submitted by tornadoscott on
I can tell this one isn't fun, for you, your daughter and probably not for your husband either.
Personally, I will admit that I have run a similar type of "thrill ride" for myself and for people in my life and you have every right in the world to be frustrated, hurt and disappointed with the situation. How long has your husband been diagnosed with ADHD? Is he taking medication or receiving other treatment?
The smartest person I know (and the person I love) told me once that "actions speak louder than words". See, I used to readily admit that I suffered from ADHD and that it affected many different parts of my life. Unfortunately words didn't change the way I approached criticism or organization and they didn't give me any tools to live a more functioning life. It takes a ton of hard work, good quality treatment and a "living saint" for a partner to make progress.
You're husband has to look at life and want to live better, reach his potential and make positive change. You can't make him do that, but you can communicate how important it is to the success (or continuation) of your relationship. One of the greatest gifts an adult with ADHD can ever receive is to meet a partner that understands them and realizes their struggles and offers them support when they need it.
One thing you might try, and I admit it may seem a little strange, is to try having a few conversations through an instant messenger like google talk or yahoo IM. My girlfriend and I have done this when talking about some issues that traditionally have resulted in arguments and have found that it takes a lot of the negative emotion from the conversation. (it's hard to yell with text) It also helped me focus on what she was saying and forced me to listen, not prepare my next part of the argument. I don't type very fast so I also got plenty of time to think about what I was saying and be thoughtful in my wording instead of just blurting out things I'd later wish I could take back.
I hope things can improve for you and your family. I'm an open book so ask me anything... =)
I agree on instant messenger :)
Submitted by sapphyre on
We have much more controlled conversations about serious issues when it's just text.
Funnily enough my hubby is always saying my tone is wrong, or it's not what I say, it's how I say it... never says these things when it's in text.
I have stopped using email as he doesn't check it every day, but that works too.
I am on that same rollercoaster
Submitted by KarenT on
Wow, I could have written your post. My husband was diagnosed 2 yrs ago with ADHD and severe depression. To add to the mix, I was widowed the first time around and my current husband (of 8 yrs) has adopted my 3 children (20, 18, 15) At the age of 42 he found himself to be a parent which has brought about many challenging issues. The kids have their own grief with loosing their dad and to now accept a new dad into their life who initially was the fun loving big brother type. He turned into Hitler and used to criticize the kids constantly. He became argumentative and as the depression set in, very dark and angry. To the point where he would just glare at the kids from across the room. He has since decided it is better to just ignore them and he walks thru them and their friends as if they were ghosts. As the kids got older and witness his lack of ability to hold down a job they began to resent him even more(as did I). They constantly tell me that I married a looser and that it is so uncomfortable for them to be in this house. My husband once adored my kids, even adopted them because "He loved them as if they were his own". But now we are at that breaking point again. He has seen a few different therapists and has tried different medications but stopped the depression medication very early on b/c he thought he didnt need it. Well... he did need it and things have been getting worse. He takes an amphetamine for the ADHD which he claims is helping him. I think he just likes the energy and weight loss (205 down to 170) His clothes are hanging off of him. We have many days of silence between us because we just get so fed up as well. It seems as though I am the only one who wants to talk it out. We have tried therapy but got no where. I too am standing on that bridge deciding whether to jump or not. I really want the wonderful man I married back. I know he is in there somewhere. However, as a mom I am concerned about the environment my kids have within the home. It is not loving and welcoming. Sooooo Stressful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had the same problem
Submitted by sapphyre on
Actually, having children makes it easier to decide what to do.
Recently I told my hubby that I've decided it is not fair that he takes out his pain and depression issues on the children. (I've been attending a mental health carer support group and a series of workshops.)
'If you cannot start controlling your temper, we will have to separate, because the children do not deserve to be yelled at because you are not dealing with your depression and ADHD.' I told him he had a month, and that was it. If he made no attempt to improve, and there wasn't a real improvement in how he dealt with the children when he was feeling bad, then he would be out.
Fortunately, he has stepped up to the plate. He still has depression. But generally, he no longer yells at the children. Occasionally he yells in surprise, but this is once or twice a week, instead of multiple times per day.
The next step I am taking is for everyone in the family to avoid yelling, unless it is an actual emergency, like biscuits are going to burn if Dad doesn't get them out of the oven like both his wife (in the shower) and his child asked them too. He honestly didn't think a few minutes would make a difference, so I yelled dripping from the other end of the house... :) That was okay, and a good example.
Good luck!
IM, Text or Email...
Submitted by YYZ on
IM, Text or Email... These methods have probably saved my marriage. I don't communicate well under pressure, especially when confronted with anger, so when things calm down one of us usually sends an email or text. This helps me clearly write back a response that I can review until is sounds right. We get the issue resolved, or at least back on track.
Before I knew about my ADD, I would shut down with the first angry word and my wife would assume the worst because of the silence. Like I did not care enough to say anything, or she was obviously right or I thought she was a raving lunatic. I have responded to the stimulant medication and have also discovered how important exercise is to me. I have dropped 35 pounds in the last year, or so, and walk twice daily. The exercise picks up where the Adderall leaves off. The meds have pretty much worn off by the time I get home, so the exercise is vital to my ADD effects staying to a minimum.
Sadly, my wife says she does not really see much difference in me, other than the weight loss. I have to refill an empty "Trust Bucket" and I guess it will take a while. She put up with my madness, so I will continue to try to better myself through knowledge and improving coping skills. I know I feel different and my anger/sadness/guilt is going away.
The worst thing is knowing now how angry and dark I had become, and what helps is my daughters both notice that I am not the "Mad Dad" guy anymore.
I am pretty much an open book too, of course it drives my wife crazy, but when people notice my changes, what am I supposed to say?
Best wishes all...
Ask Your Wife
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Don't try to guess what might help your wife understand things are changing. Ask her what changes are important to her. If you have to focus on something, it may as well be something that pleases you both.
When my husband and I were at this stage he FINALLY asked me what I wanted most. My answer was for him to take on doing the dinner dishes every night. His lack of doing chores had become symbolic of all the responsibilities I had to take on, and of his "not caring" about me or our relationship. He wasn't all that thrilled by my response, but took on the dishes as his own chore and it really helped get us moving in the right direction. His action communicated "I care enough about you to listen."
Sorry...
Submitted by tornadoscott on
Sorry to hear the struggles you're going through.
When I read all of the posts written by spouses or partners of an ADHD sufferer it breaks my heart to contemplate how painful my behavior has been to my significant other.
It would seem that you have a few issues going on here that may all be contributing to one another in different ways. I think the first thing to do would be to address the treatment of your children and see if there is anything that can be done to work on those issues. More importantly it is probably extremely important that you have an outlet for your frustration and find some ways of wading through the resentment that no doubt has been building up. If your husband doesn't exercise he should start. Exercise has helped me a great deal and has been shown to have rather substantial impact on brain chemistry, plus the only side effect is better health! Maybe you could all exercise together, maybe in a recreational family ___insert sport here___ league. Just an idea...
You're in a difficult situation and while there is hope for change it won't come easy, and if he won't work, truly work to improve himself and the relationship you are going to have to make some tough decisions for your own good.
I wish I could help more or provide more insight...
Thanks for your insight
Submitted by KarenT on
I have tried to address his behavior to the children but find communicating with him these days to be extremely challenging since he seems to be more and more depressed. He is so low right now that everything is negative. He even went so far as to say that he sees no use in his life for a relationship with my kids. (cut like a knife!!) I think that is the depression talking b/c I know he is a good natured guy. He just has so much anger built inside and has such a low self esteem. He needs to get some intensive therapy and choose to resume taking an antidepressant medication. Unfortunately, he doesn't feel that he needs any of that. His mother who also suffers from depression and has been on medication most of her adult life, has tried to talk to him but he wont listen. As a matter of fact, he is not picking up her calls which is making her and me very worried. I am loosing hope for a happy future for this family :(
I understand...
Submitted by tornadoscott on
You're in a tough spot and it sounds like he really needs professional help to guide him toward some positive change. I dealt with depression / bipolar in a past relationship and it was hurtful to know that she didn't really care what pain she caused me because she was so trapped by her issues. I really don't have a whole lot of good advice, I'm sorry, but unless he sees these issues and wants something to change it never will. That in the end may help you make your decision.
Keep sharing... =)