We are not married, but I thought I could get some help in reacting to my boyfriend's oversharing when he talks about other people. We have been together 6 months. He says I am his best friend, and feels like he can be himself without any judgement when he is with me. I accept him as he is, and I feel the same about him. Sometimes, however, he talks to me like I'm "one of the guys". I'm not one of the guys, I'm a woman. HIS woman. Perhaps its a matter of me chalking it up to his ADHD and letting it go. Then again, some of the things he says are too much information, things that I'm better off not knowing. He told me about some of the women he knows from work. He tells me too much about what they do and say. Here is an example: He told me all about one woman, and how she shakes her butt at work, comes up behind some of the men in the office, presses her breasts against their backs, and massages their shoulders...to get what she wants.... And he told me about another one, who gets away with calling off and coming in late because she is so HOT. And then there's the help desk girl who has a calendar on her wall with pictures of herself in it for every month. And the fact that the hiring managers only hire attractive women who look like they could be models for help desk positions. He has also gone into too much detail about some of the women in his past, be it ex wife or ex girlfriend.... He became angry with me when I brought it up in a discussion, saying : "Do you want me to quit my job"? NO. I don't want him to quit his job. Its not about jealousy. I love what we have and we have spoken many times about our future, and merging our lives. I don't want him to hold back and not tell me things. However, I don't need to know about some of the details, especially when it comes to what he has told me about co workers. Advice ?
I don't know what to tell you
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I don't know what to tell you because I experience the same thing.
When I met my husband over 35 years ago, he (over)shared about his former girlfriends. When he did so, it wasn't in a way to make me jealous, it was just in a "matter of fact" way. So, I thought it would be ok to mention ONE SMALL thing about a former boyfriend. OMG...he immediately flipped out, got extremely jealous, and brought it up over and over and over again. I then realized that this was going to be a one way street. But, his way would be to say way TOO much. Extremely inappropriate.
I've asked him not to provide intimate details, but he still does....30+ years later. It's like he's talking to a guy friend.
And it's not just with this subject, it extended to over-sharing with our children.
No boundaries.
Adele...There will be lots of things you can't take part in.....
Submitted by c ur self on
If you can't hear; and then walk away, with only a calm comment like; "I'm not interested" Then these kind of events will just keep happening....With his mind; the less you speak; the better message you send....And they more it will be received.....
Many men are more prone to gossip than women. Also you will find many minds are absent of the ability to filter (think about?) facts and information....Thoughts can turn into words and just pour out the mouth and the person speaking them are hearing them for the first time, Just like you....This is very common many fast minded people....
Did you notice how his reply "Do you want me to quit my job" had nothing to do with what your were concerned about?? If you continue in this relationship, you might want to expect this...It will keep your frustration level down...And it will also help you to realize the futility of pointing out things that many times want be heard like you say them....Especially if any tension at all can be detected in your voice.....
Blessings
C
No filter, no empathy.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
When my husband is going on and on about some former girlfriend, it's like he's forgetting who he's talking to (me). I can tell that he's not trying to hurt me. He's being very matter of fact, as if he's talking to a pal.
But, there is no empathy. No thoughts of what I must be thinking. And there's a total disconnect between what his own reaction would be if I rambled on about other men.
In fact, he can practically drool when he talks about some of his favorite actresses, but if I just CASUALLY make some compliment about some actor (even if he's DEAD), H gets very jealous and mentions it over and over again. I once made a comment that a suit looked really well-made, well-fitted on some old actor (who has been dead for 20 years), and H still gets upset about it.
however, there's a total disconnect. He can't think, "hmmm, I talk about hot actresses all the time. She just mentioned that a suit looked nice on some old dead guy. I can't get upset because I frequently talk about other women."
I need to clarify when I said that H has no filter with our kids. When H was growing up, he often hitch-hiked. So dangerous. I told him that I don't want him telling our children that. But, when H wants to be entertaining, and wants to be the focus of attention, he starts telling stories without thinking about who his audience is. He's too busy being in "entertainment mode."
Thank you
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Thank you for your reply to my post. I'm looking at the situation differently now. My reacting calmly to the situation would diffuse it.
I need to remind myself that it's the ADHD. He doesn't mean to hurt my feelings by saying the things he does. He will continue to say things without thinking, and to give me too much information when it comes to other people and his past. I know he loves me.
My ex-husband was verbally abusive and would say things deliberately to hurt me. He did not have ADHD, he was just doing it to be controlling and mean. I know my boyfriend isn't like this. He has shown me compassion and tenderness beyond anything that I have ever experienced in a relationship before.
He has a sweet romantic side and encouraged me to go back to school, and pursue my degree.
I need to focus on the things I can change. The way I react to him is one of those things.
I don't think he is doing it
Submitted by MFrances on
I Agree.....
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I agree that he isn't doing it on purpose.
When he sees my facial expression after he says something inappropriate, or I calmly walk away, he stops talking and apologizes for over-sharing. He is aware he does it, but I realize that he may not be able to help himself. I am learning to react calmly, and try not to appear upset. The disagreement we had two weeks ago taught me that I can't shout or get screechy...it falls on deaf ears. A non-ADHD person would listen to my concerns and just stop making comments, if they knew it hurt my feelings or offended me.....Now that I have some insight into how his mind works, I'm calmer.
Another thing I haven't mentioned....
He is not on medication. He is the only man I've dated who has ADHD, and I think he manages it well. He keeps himself on a schedule, doing everything at the same time each day, keeping a routine and doing things in the same order. Except for the over sharing, and occasional outburst when his computer is glitchy or very slow, he is not prone to angry outbursts.
What is the concensus? I'm new to learning about ADHD...should everyone with this condition be medicated?
As far as children are concerned, I'm not too worried. We are past the age of having children. My son is in college, and my teenage daughter is with me every other week. I try to have my BF over at least once a week so that my daughter can get to know him.
New and Broken
Submitted by DawnAndrea on