Today H and I were working at our business. Afterwards, we had some shopping to do at 2 different stores. At the first store, we each took our own list and agreed to meet back. I couldn't find an item so it took me a TINY bit longer...not much longer. H was livid.
In the car-ride to the next store, H lectured me about how stressful shopping is, etc, and how I contribute to the stress. I told him that since shopping is stressful then I will go by myself. (easy solution!) Oh, but no. H became very insulted by that. He said that it was a "stick in the eye" for me to say that I would go alone rather than "make sure" that nothing stressful happens. How am i supposed to do THAT.
Then and there I realized that any solutions that I can come up with to deal with H's mental conditions need to be kept secret. In the future, I won't shop with him. I won't announce it, because he'd be insulted by it. He thinks that my suggestion is just a way of saying, "there's nothing I can do to remove your stresses, so I'd rather go without you.
I found out more last night...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
H told me that the reason that it's a "stick in the eye" for me to say that I'll shop alone is....that by shopping alone I'm essentially saying that I'm not willing to change what I'm doing to make things "better" for him.
I can't guarantee a non-stressful shopping experience for him. God forbid if I get in line to "check out" at the register and then remember something else we need. H HATES that.....and even if it's a long line and I can easily get the item, he gets angry. Even if I couldn't get the item in time, he could easily let the person behind us go in front of us....but he won't do that. Crazy.
Today H had a therapy session....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
And his therapist ORDERED him to be nice to me for 2 months. She told him that he's not allowed to yell at me or say anything at all negative to me or criticize me in any way for 2 months. lol
I think she's finally realized that any complaints he's had about me are because he's so clueless about the consequences of his being mean, cruel, and yelling.
I think what she wants to prove is that if during the next few sessions, he has nothing to complain about me , the answer will become more clear to him that he causes 99.9999999% of the problems in our marriage.
Well, it's been several days....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
It's been several days since H's T ordered him to be nice to me, and it seems to be working. She ordered him to not yell at me, not say bad things to me, and not write/text/email bad things to me.
I think his T is finally realizing that I am just being the Whipping Boy for all of H's anger. So, when H sees her next, he will have to say that things have been going very smoothly because I don't cause hardly any problems. He is the number one cause of problems...seriously.
Overwhelmed, glad therapist is being pro-active
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Overwhelmed, I'm so glad the therapist is being pro-active in the therapy with your husband. I really hope this works and benefits both of you. It seems like a good idea to me, and maybe it will help your husband see how much drama he's been causing.
I know you're certainly "overwhelmed", and wishing you joy and hugs today.
Well, the good thing ended.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Two days ago, H broke his promise of "being nice" and raged and raged at me. I tried to leave, and was successful for awhile, but then he "ordered" me to come back (under threat of breaking my things).
Then I left again.
So yesterday he goes to his therapist and magically he comes back and says, "Oh, I was wrong. I wasn't supposed to promise to be nice to you. I misunderstood what my T wanted me to do. She was appalled that I made that promise to you since she agrees that you are evil and a big liar. Oh, and she gave me the name of the best attorney in town, so unless you apologize and admit that you're a big liar, then I'm going to spend a LOT of money on this lawyer, divorce you, and destroy your business."
Oh, and he also sent me a text saying that his T is appalled that I encouraged both of our children to assault him on a regular basis. WHAT? Our kids are GREAT kids. One of our kids wouldn't hurt a fly. This one saw the text (he and I were at a restaurant and my phone was on the table, and the text popped onto the screen.) This son was like, "What? I've never assaulted dad. What is he talking about?" This son is in his 20s and has a very successful career. He is a sweet young man.
I am at the end of my rope..
Overwhelmed.....can't find the words
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I can certainly see why you are at the end of your rope. I don't believe for a second that your husband's therapist said those terrible things about you. I know you know that, but still...... What a terrible thing for him to do. He must really be wrestling with some demons for him to lash out so much at you and your children. This kind of blatant lying is not part of ADHD. I'm not sure what it is, but it goes WAY beyond anything with ADHD.
I can also SO understand why you want to get away and protect your children from this. Even though children may be "older", things like this still really affect them. My own mother and step-father would do things like this and it was VERY hurtful to my siblings and I. The lies they told about us were staggering, and when my mother was dying, my siblings and I sat around a table for an ENTIRE NIGHT, one by one dispelling all the lies that they had told all of us about each other. It had created a huge chasm between us, but that night we were able to heal a lot of the hurts just by exposing the lies and deceit. Don't let his threats of destroying your business stop you from what you need to do, but maybe it would be good to talk to a lawyer about this to see what your rights are and what the law is. I do believe that God watches out for us, and I pray protection for you and your family.
I missed seeing your response
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I missed seeing your response. Thank you for your kind words.
An update. H's therapist fired him. I don't know all the details, but she was annoyed with him to find out that he's still drinking and that he's raging. She also found out that he calls me bad names when he's angry and she's appalled by that.
Things have actually been a lot better the last couple of weeks. After me leaving numerous times to stay at one of our other homes....just to get away.....H decided that "his way" just isn't working. lol (wow...he just realized that???). So, he decided that he's no longer going to yell at me. So far, he hasn't.....but I know that won't last.
He hasn't drank since he made that decision. He also gave me all of his meds and I give him his daily dose....this was to prevent him from over-medicating and then running out...which he was doing every month. This has also helped keep his moods more even.
He has been working hard at my business, so his OCD gets its share of "useful work" which seems to be a way for him to work out his anxiety.
I do try to shop alone as much as I can. When H goes, I try to get him just to sit somewhere, have a soda, and relax.
Life just stresses him out too much. Seriously. Technology frustrates him.
Now I realize why his family lived such a simple life....same thing every day. They never went anywhere. Same routine. TV was their only technology...lol. I see now that they couldn't handle anything else.