For five years I've been married to an add (hyperfocus), and NVLD man. It's the same old story as many of you have posted. I do everything, decide everything, become everything. He is a loving person underneath all of the disorders. I know he loves me and our daughter. But when is love not enough? When do the disorders become the way we are living life, and not the love? Someone on this site referred to my job as his wife correctly as the "ceo" of our family. He's always been good about holding a job-even though he's been through many, he's always worked. He has hyperfocus, so that has aided him in being good at his job. His organization and odd social behavior limit him (although he doesn't see that). He lacks the ability to understand long term effects of his behaviors and life style, especially in regard to raising a child. He has given a good try to help around the house but jobs are left half done, and when I even make the slightest comment about "finishing" the task he launches into how he financially supports us and can't concentrate on doing anything else. Doing a load of laundry or dishes a couple times a week makes him feel like he's doing "everything" around the house, but he doesn't realize I have to fix half of the things he tries to clean. He has zero common sense which can be as debilitating as understanding the direction "take 3 rights" and you'll be at your destination. He thinks the only problem we have is that I don't want to have sex with him. He says that the "one thing" he wants me to do for him, I don't. He literally can't see how his disorders have taken every shred of passion out of me. And when we do have sex, I just feel like a vehicle for him...not like two people making love-just a way for him to get pleasure for himself. Every time we bicker or argue, he threatens to cheat on me. He says he thinks about it all the time. He never tries to understand WHY I feel no passion. He says he tries to get me "in the mood", which apparently (he told the therapist) involves rubbing my arm or back. Like for the 3 seconds that happens that is supposed to me my clue. There is never a romantic gesture, or if he does the dishes apparently that is supposed to clue me in that he is helping and that equals getting laid.
We have been through 3 therapists, plus I am seeing my own therapist. My personal therapist tries to suggest ways to talk, accept, and help ourselves but they never stick. Each one we've saw together has recommended I "accept" his disorders and put a smile on my face. I feel like I'm painted as the "evil non understanding angry wife". He tells them if nothing is done perfectly the way I want it, I complain and criticize him. I'm told that I can't make anyone perfect. I've never been about making him perfect...I just want a partner, a team member, someone I can lean on if I need something. If I'm sick-too bad- get up and take care of your child, because he keeps her a live, but that's about it. When I had my daughter by c-section, I got tormented. When I wanted to take my daughter to Disney, he decided he didn't want to go because he doesn't like lines. They do not understand my daily frustration just to live in a normal life, and my anger sometimes. I fear my daughter understanding that Dad is a disappointment. Something as simple playing with her becomes another annoyance to him, and takes his attention away from his phone or ipad. God forbid. I am okay, and okay, and okay, and I keep my cool through all the ridiculous situations ( like he obsessively locks our bedroom door, and I can't get in when he forgets it's locked and closes it and I can't get dressed for work and then become late), but after the 3,401 time that that same ridiculous situation happens-I LOSE MY SH*T, and get incredibly angry. I know when I do this it's not okay-it's not right, but I am literally at my wits end at that point. I think I scare him when I finally flip out. I NEVER do this in front of my child.
I'm literally exhausted, as are many of you (or all of you) are. Mentally and emotionally I don't have a shred of non-stressed thoughts. Physically I can't get myself motivated to get out of my stress eating disorder or go to the gym because I'M EXHAUSTED. I'm resentful on top of it. It's manifested itself into intense anxiety sometimes. I worry crazily about my daughter and what would happen if I died or couldn't take care of her anymore. As it is, he's never been successfully able to install a car seat, or even strap her in the correct way. The couples therapist says that "that is a matter of preference on my part and not safety." In another words, it's okay and not dangerous. I'm just being picky. I've been dealing with my husbands inability to process cause and effect for too many years. Like many have commented, I feel like I'm alone and running the show. I have a four year old daughter that I've basically single handedly raised myself. The first night she was home and crying during the night he asked, "Is this going to happen every night?" I was told to sleep in the living room because he couldn't be tired at work. He got mad and frustrated when he had to not prepare but only heat up dinner during that time, when I was recuperating from a c-section. He called me a slave driver when I "made" him go shopping for groceries because I wasn't allowed to drive. He told me to go to hell when I asked him to vacuum because the physician told me not too for the first 2 weeks. Obviously, I hold a lot of resentment because of that time of our lives. The thing that kills me is I had to make the incredibly difficult decision to not have any more children-which kills me that I can't give my child a sibling-because I KNOW it will be me 110% taking care of another child, working full time, cleaning, cooking, and all the ETC that life has for us. Being as stressed as I am, and trying desperately to hang onto a semblance of my families future, I just don't think another child would make things better. In fact, I fear the result of what we would become. I fear that I'd finally decide that we couldn't be married any longer, and be moved out of our home, with a low paying full time teaching job, trying to support children by myself. I come from a divorced family, and I know how it feels to have your home broken. I'm desperately trying to make sure that doesn't happen-but how much longer can I last in this situation.
Thank you for reading. I'm glad there are people out there that understand.
I hear you and understand
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
firedancer16 ,
I had not heard the term NVLD, so I had to research it a bit = Non-Verbal Learning Disability - is this correct?
My response is based on thoughts that I am correct. Was this a medical professional's diagnosis? I skimmed through your previous posts, and saw his ADHD was diagnosed in late high school. Were these discovered together?
What I have discovered through my own experience - when there was a divorce and/or poor parental relationship models in a home, we who grew up in that situation will do almost anything to make/force/believe our marriage into a working one. I took on the belief system that I was going to be the perfect wife, the perfect Christian wife, and my marriage was gonna make it. Any time there was a problem, I immediately believed I-Me-Liz was the person who was screwing-up. I went to counselors, church leadership, and Christian friends, with my struggle over messing things up, and always asking, "What am I doing wrong?" Well, they were more than happy to tell me. And I believed it. for a really long time.
I did have lots of character flaws, and self-esteem issues. Those were Liz problems. I have grown a lot. I have learned a lot. I have learned that I am only responsible for Liz.
What I can see, your expectations are for your spouse to be and do things he is unable or unwilling to do.
If he is unble - then plans need to be made to compensate for those shortcomings. If h is unwilling, the problems now lies in your lap - the problem being why is that OK with you?
I know it is not, but your shifting and adapting is giving him the signs that you are willing to adapt to work around it.
I did that. I no longer do that.
Very Truly,
Liz
Hi Firedancer 16
Submitted by c ur self on
You are in a very unhealthy place and it's very hard to not be....You should listen to your therapist...You have bunched everything about marriage into one pile (common for emotionally distraught women) and it has negatively impacted your emotions and the relationship...
Neither of you should ever forsake your responsibility to give conjugal rights to each other. There is many issues that crop up in a person's life when they suffer in a mind like your husbands, and the reality of his issues will probably always cause intrusive behavior and extra work for you...But two wrongs never have and never will make a right....
If you are forced to be the CEO, then be a good one!
You can't be a victim because he is incapable of living up to your expectations. It's obvious his life is intrusive and creates extra work for you...It's also obvious you feel and rightfully so based your comments you can't trust him to be responsible in many areas....
I suggest you try to see things as line items in the marriage and don't link them....Children...Jobs....House work....Yard work....communication....,,emotional needs...physical needs...other responsibilities car care etc..etc...
Manage your own emotions, no matter how much you have to pray, walk away or what ever...Try to come up with idea's that are more suited for the reality you live in...Don't over extend...Make him lists....When it's time for some intimacy set boundaries in that area also...Tell him when your stressed out you need at least a 30 minute massage w/ extra virgin coconut oil or your favorite, also your feet rubbed or both...What ever you like and relaxes you....As a man I can tell you this for sure, Men respond to two things...RESPECT and SEX...You want him to work harder on his issues, to be more aware of himself? Address him respectfully, kindly and screw the fire out of him!
C
< through many, he's always
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
< through many, he's always worked. He has hyperfocus, so that has aided him in being good at his job. His organization and odd social behavior limit him (although he doesn't see that). He lacks the ability to understand long term effects of his behaviors and life style, especially in regard to raising a child. He has given a good try to help around the house but jobs are left half done, and when I even make the slightest comment about "finishing" the task he launches into how he financially supports us and can't concentrate on doing anything else. Doing a load of laundry or dishes a couple times a week makes him feel like he's doing "everything" around the house, but he doesn't realize I have to fix half of the things he tries to clean. He has zero common sense which can be as debilitating as understanding the direction "take 3 rights" and you'll be at your destination. He thinks the only problem we have is that I don't want to have sex with him. He says that the "one thing" he wants me to do for him, I don't. He literally can't see how his disorders have taken every shred of passion out of me. And when we do have sex, I just feel like a vehicle for him...not like two people making love-just a way for him to get pleasure for himself. Every time we bicker or argue, he threatens to cheat on me. He says he thinks about it all the time. He never tries to understand WHY I feel no passion. He says he tries to get me "in the mood", which apparently (he told the therapist) involves rubbing my arm or back. Like for the 3 seconds that happens that is supposed to me my clue. There is never a romantic gesture, or if he does the dishes apparently that is supposed to clue me in that he is helping and that equals getting laid. <
What do you mean by "odd social behavior"? Just curious.
Much of what you've wrote, I could have written.
I think that some of those men with severe ADHD don't realize that they can seem "less masculine" and therefore "less sexy" to women. Particularly to American women because we've been led to believe that sexy men should behave a certain way.
So odd social behavior coming
Submitted by firedancer16 on
So odd social behavior coming from his non verbal learning disability-which I know are because of his disability and not so much he can help:
Not understanding facial or body expressions
Not knowing how or when to end convo-sometimes he keeps going when clearly it's over
Not understanding jokes, or how to joke, and sometimes unintentionally insulting someone trying to "jest" them.
Messy, loud eater -with no awareness of this-especially at weddings, etc. He gets up when he's not supposed to, is extremely clumsy with food and drops it or has it on his face, etc
Does not know how to empathize
Willing to hear about our own shortcomings
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
firedancer16,
I think it is not-so-very-easy for any of us to hear a friend or relative say that something we are doing is annoying/offensive/bothersome.
People with low-self-esteem ( ironically people with low-self-esteem are in denial of their own low self-esteem ) have a very difficult time hearing suggestions. The suggestions - even those that are being shared with love - get filtered through the low self-esteem and reach their understanding as condemnations.
I believe my own self-esteem is at a healthy level. My skin gets pricked when I hear a short-coming pointed-out. I am able to sit and contemplate what was said, and make a choice: 1. Conviction. Yep, what was said is indeed true, and I need to work on changing so I can improve my relationship. or 2. Another's judgment/condemnation. I disagree, and shake off what was said. It is the other's person opinion. . . and I disagree.
I understand that when someone has an idiosyncrasy, we just need to accept it as a unique part of the other person. However, when the list is long, such as yours, and the other person doesn't/can't/wont listen to how we feel about interacting with them, then we can choose to either beat our head against a wall and try to force them to listen, or we can state that we cannot deal with the behaviors and have to put up a person boundary to keep our self away from it.
Sincerely,
Liz
Not Knowing How vs Not Understanding
Submitted by kellyj on
Hi firedancer16,
I really like how you said this and I think there is a lot here to comment on. Not knowing how or not learning to do this I think has more to do with it than anything else. As far as not understanding or saying "oh well....it's just part of his disability and there's not much he can help?" That's a slippery slope to go down in your thinking here basing this entirely on myself.
The things you mentioned alone from what I know of this myself aren't from not understanding or not being able to see the difference. Not being self aware and not realizing he does some of these things....or possibly not caring anymore are more likely the case. Not caring in this sense is trying and failing and then quitting because he believes he can't based on the past. It's just too difficult so "why even bother" and then giving up trying would be another way of saying it.
In respect to what you said about "his non-verbal" learning disability however....you may be right? I'm just the opposite of this....I'm a visual learner with a lot of audible learning challenges. Reading, writing and watching or observing are my strong suits so....non verbal cus are not difficult for me at all. In fact....I have a bit of hearing loss so I depend on it...to the point that I read lips sometimes without even realizing it. I noticed when I can't see the person talking to me or they have their back to me even if can hear them.....about half of what people say actually gets through compared to when I can see their face and watch them at the same time.
But audibly or having someone just speak to me without visual cues....forget about it. I'm terrible with that am I'm terrible at learning anything without visual aids...gotta have em or it doesn't work for me. Trying to follow someone and learn from them when they are trying to teach me at the same time is difficult at best....having the same thing happen with visual aids, pictures, video or anything visual..... and I get it in a heart beat....no problem.
I've read that these kinds of differences are not uncommon with ADHD so it's hard to say if this is the issue your H has but.....I do know how hard just "hearing" people is for me and I am very aware of this now. Your H might be an audible learner and does best learning in a different way and is less visual? Before I was diagnosed and wasn't paying attention like I do now.....I couldn't tell you or even remember probably all the ways that I was oblivious to my dysfunction in just this one area.
But I learned and am still learning and part of that is simply being aware and then paying attention. That includes how to empathize and express it better not that I couldn't do it or didn't have the capacity or ability in itself. That all comes with awareness, learning how to do it better and then practicing it...... this appears to be the only disability in order to do it?
That includes being body aware and being clumsy less than just not understanding or the inability to learn. Maybe....just not being taught originally or having a parent who allowed it and never said anything or just gave up trying....all the above are also possible because they didn't understand either or were just enabling?
Not getting jokes and being unintentionally insulting when someone is jesting has more to do with low self esteem and being hyper sensitive and or self critical and not being able to laugh at himself in the same way because he takes it all to heart too easily. Less to do with ADHD and more to do with shame and insecurity. That will go away if he feels better about himself and is more ease with his limitations and is more accepting of them on a personal level.
Those are all things you can learn as well which is why just believing that he can't help any of these things can be a slippery slope....if you believe that he can't and think this yourself.....he will use that as an excuse not to learn or try. Unfortunately.....you hear these things a lot because this is what people believe and they tell you so but their simply not true. He may still believe what others have told him....that's the problem with this right there.
What's not possible is simply wanting to and then for it to happen like most other people. If he believes he has to do this right now or tomorrow.....that's the only thing that isn't possible. Learning and changing for the future over time is not only possible but totally doable but he has to believe that first before it will happen.
It's also why you need to believe that too and not just write this off to an inability with no hope for change. The only reason people with ADHD believe that is from what other people tell you all your life but that's the first thing that needs to change before anything else will. That's where you can help him and make him believe differently. If you expect it all to go away and never do any of these things again....that is also probably not possible but...to an acceptable level? Yes.
J
Ah, yes. Sex.
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
As a man I can tell you this for sure, Men respond to two things...RESPECT and SEX...You want him to work harder on his issues, to be more aware of himself? Address him respectfully, kindly and screw the fire out of him!
As a woman, and as a woman who has been seeking what is right for my spouse, my marriage and myself, I believe that the health of the relationship is what determines the satisfaction of both parties in the sex life of the marriage. The quality and even character of a marriage is expressed in the sexual relationship of both parties.
The wonderful perpetual motion of the man, who wants to please/romance his wife, who feels sexually attracted to her spouse, who then wants to please/romance his wife, who then feels sexually attracted to her spouse. . . . . . . . . .
Using our sex life as the barometer of how our relationship is. . . . . my own is in a turbulent place. He is not happy. I am not happy. He feels punished. I feel used. Yes, our intimate life is nonexistent.
Unsatisfied sex life is one part of a whole myriad of problems. Pornography? Affairs? Temptations? For Me - Liz, I do not play games. I do not punish. I will not be manipulated into feeling guilty. I did for a long time. Not any more. Sex is important to me. And yes indeed I do understand/believe/realize sex means different things to woman and men. BOTH sides are important. BOTH sides needs consideration. A relationship takes both parties working to find the balance for both sides. I will not quiver and quake in fear that if I do not perform, I may push my spouse into an affair. I feel I am valuable. I feel my spouse is valuable. Our relationship must be valuable to BOTH sides.
Sex is wonderful. Sex is great. Sex is not a tool to fix problems. Sex is the mutual satisfaction of both sides. Balanced so there is harmony for each person. Intimacy. It is important.
Very truly,
Liz
I understand Liz
Submitted by c ur self on
You said some beautiful things about spousal relationships and I agree with them....But, this isn't a perfect world and my relationship is far from perfect because it's made up of two very non perfect people....
The Vow I made to give 100% to my marriage, regardless of what she gives back in return, was a life time commitment....So taking my eyes off of her actions and turning them onto Jesus allows me the Grace and power to be her husband out of Obedience to the Father and not because she deserves it...
C
Iron sharpens iron
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
C,
Yes, same as over here. Two people, warts, sharp edges and all. My wedding vows to my spouse are as valuable to me as his are. I value the promises made. That is what my marriage is based on.
As for me, I have seen what happens - my spouse's family for sure - when children grow up in broken homes where staying married was the goal - and those 7 children were stuck bouncing back and forth to being on Mom's side or Dad's side of an argument, while all living in the same house. I agree with the philosophy that children would rather be from a broken home than in one. .
I was mainly referring to your last sentence in your post. For me - sex is a celebration of love. Not a chore. Not a manipulating tool. In the amount of What I think we are talking about, the sex would be so nice, yet there is so much more that needs to be addressed before celebrating can be done.
A rough patch this is not. Issues both sides recognize and can be working towards - - -that is not at all the situation I was responding to or find myself in. . In those sort of cases, just like Thanksgiving dinner, differences can be put to the side for a bit.
Not inferring that you are doing this - - - I had a belly full of Christian leadership bashing me over the head with how important it was to fulfill my wifely duties to my spouse. After so many different approaches, time got further and further between intimacy. Until I felt used. Not where a wife should feel. I did not want to find a way to make it ok. It is a gift. Sex is a gift.
Liz
He will take us through it.....
Submitted by c ur self on
I understand you Liz...I really do...We are saints because Jesus living in us makes us one...And that is not of ourselves, but, it's like you say....A Gift....God himself fixed the requirement for many things and they don't transfer or change...We all reap what we sow...And God's plan for all husbands and all wives has been fixed since the beginning of time....So by Grace and the Power of his Spirit in us, we must guard our hearts from anger and bitterness and press on...
It is so hard to not be effected by the person you are One with when there is so much chaos and dysfunction going on. The enemy loves to get our eyes on anything but our own hearts...(If our faith stays strong and our hearts stay tender we can have peace).God said this: The mind of man is evil from his youth...There are only two instances where I feel like scripture would free me from my marital covenant with my wife...Adultery and If I was married to a non-believer who deserted me.
Liz we have to put our spouses ahead of ourselves...Like Jesus did for us so we can have our eternal relationship and everlasting Life with the Father....Life's a vapor Liz, and this isn't our home....
We must stay inward focused Liz or we have no hope for peace in this life...Jesus Loves us, and if God is for us, Who can be against us...PTL!
2 Corinthians 4:11....For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body.
Blessings Sister
C
Theology
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
C,
I have had many theological conversation about marriage. "Marriage" changed so much through the scriptures.
In my heart and mind and soul, marriage is one man, one woman who love each other and commit to spend their lives together.
God is first above all. I will spend eternity with Him.
At this moment, God has chosen earth as my home. I walk through each day and enjoy what I have. I am always ready, because I know not when my Lord will come. Come for me. For my parents. For anyone. That is not for me to know. I live each day as it comes. I sift everything through the scriptures. A husband will never influence his wife if he does not care for her. Oh, he can demand and she may follow, but he will never truly have her heart unless he provides for her needs, cares for her well-being, and protects her in thought, word, and deed.
Very truly,
Liz
Trigger Bender
Submitted by ADH9er on
For those who follow here, this one is the all time most difficult not to react to. For 5 years I have remained faithful, with the 'barometer' pegged @ Zero. And the previous 26 with it between warm & cold.
Fathfulness and Persistance
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
There is no one on the face of God's green earth that can deny the amount of money and time invested in our marriage.
In 1982, a knight in shining armor rode up and led a damsel in distress to places where her heart and soul could heal. And now that fine lady can see some wounds beneath the armor of that knight that indeed need to be healed. Her short-sightedness in trying to force the knight to a place he did not choose to go - - alas has been fruitless and very painful on both sides.
Thus, I can see that my efforts may have been in vain? However, today, at this very moment, as I have previously stated in other threads on this forum, I have chosen to crawl out of that figurative 'hole' where we went round and round and round as I was trying to force a solution. I shall continue to believe my knight has the were-with-all to choose to climb out. I will encourage - and not enable - and continue to also be faithful.
Right now - - at this very moment - I am indeed saddened by my inability to get our relationship to where I hope it can be. I have found peace and contentment and happiness for me. I am content with who Liz is. Her worth and value is NOT grounded solely in her ability to make/keep a marriage together. Her worth and value is grounded in what she can bring and share in a marriage.
Call it what you may - "Miss Goody Two Shoes". "Pollyanna" "A lady with rose-colored-glasses" that is e-x-a-c-t-l-y who Liz is.
We go on from there, , , , , , , ,
Perfect in actions? Liz is not.
Perfect in who God created her to be - yes! I fully embrace it. And I listen to His gentle prodding to follow Him.
I DO NOT trust myself with my spouse. I made some poor judgment calls. I trust God with my spouse.
What we currently have is not a place either of us want to be. As that barometer clearly indicates, my efforts have not gotten the results I had hoped and anticipated.
I do not believe we have been looking at all aspects. My goal is not TO MAKE my spouse happy, it is to share my own happiness with him.
That means taking some deep hard looks at things I would rather not look at. I am going by yet another Biblical story I know:
Lazarus. He lay dead in the tomb when Jesus asked for the stone to be rolled away from the entrance to the tomb. His sister said: "Lord he has been dead for a while. Surely he stinketh." Jesus said to her, “Did I not say to you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God -the expression of His excellence?”
So, Liz believes we need to figuratively roll away that stones, so God can get at our stinking mess. . . . . .
With love, and sincerely, and very a very true heart,
Liz
so true.
Submitted by firedancer16 on
Liz, I am taking what you are saying to heart. I'm trying and trying to not feel pressured into having a sexual relationship with my own husband. The thoughts you wrote about above hit a note with me. It's so much of what is happening. The other night I turned on our computer to find craigslist personal ad on display. I wanted to immediately let myself feel the blame for that-that it's me pushing him into an affair or whatever it is that is done on that site. I felt lonely, misunderstood, and like I lost. I lost this man's affections-yet the way his affections are portrayed to me-are so disproportionate everyday. I do not want to just give him my body. I want to have a mutual relationship. One moment he says he loves me and loves our family, and I'm the best woman in the world, and not even two hours later he hates being married to me, and I'm the worse wife ever. This up and down topped with everything else that happens is too much for me to feel passion and excitement. This mutual relationship and how you worded it is exactly how I feel.
My eye is really not on perfection
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
firedancer16,
This is such a hot button topic in my life. Sexuality. Sex.
I grew up in a very conservative home. TV shows we were permitted to watch were very limited - as they might have sexual content. No Three's Company - heaven forbid!, no Saturday Night Live, no rock music - (the devil was alive in that ) We did not discuss the subject. Blech. What memories.
We were taught the basic physical way it works like this: - "Here is a little book to read. If you have any questions. . . ." The tone it was delivered made me very unwilling to ask ANY questions. Ah, yes, The Wonderful Story of How You Were Born. Awkward. and Scary.
Even after I was in high school, I really had no clue how it all worked. And the judgment came down harsh from my parents, on any girls I knew who got pregnant - not that there were very many. LOL. It was not an open atmosphere to talk about my fears or concerns.
What I knew and believed: Sex was for one man and one woman - AFTER you got married. And thus it was for my life. I have one partner, and that is it. And I embrace it. And those were the same for my spouse.
After we married, it was very important to my spouse to use Natural Family Planning. And I was on board with the idea. We did not want to get pregnant - and that meant NFP controlled our lives. Me, LIZ, this lady - has no wonderful stories of how it brought us closer together, or taught me to be one with my body by being aware of the signals my body was sending me. All It ended up being for us was - terrible. It seemed it was never the right day for intimacy, especially when we felt drawn to each other. Our lives were controlled by that cursed chart of my temperatures. And , no , sorry, it was not any joy to keep aware and feeling for those signals from my body - - - - all I wanted to hear from my body was "Girl, you waited your whole life for sex, go for it baby!"
That was the first 5 years of our lives. I originally was on board as it all aligned with our plans to wait for a year, then have children. At year one end, my spouse was not ready for a child. Or two years. Or three years. Or four years. After the 5th year, our sexual desires overpowered the desire to refrain from getting pregnant - and so we had a baby. And then 18 months later, another.
I believe NFP works for people. It was NOT good for us. In hind sight, I see how the yet to be recognized ADHD interfered. The partnership/teamwork of NFP was: 1. I take my temperature every morning, and 2. my spouse charts it on the calendar. Now I see so clearly it was not his fault those charts were missing so many entries. We did not know. Sigh. We were setting him up for defeat.
So, we spent 13 years struggling with not wanting to have more children . . . until we finally made the choice for a permanent solution. By then, I fear, we were already on a really discombobulated road together. That was around the time I started to rebel at the efforts I felt being made to "rescue/help/fix" me. I was tired of everything being about me. All issues were voluntarily slotted into one of 3 issues: 1. Liz was an adult child of an alcoholic, 2. Liz had eating disorders. 3. Liz felt she was worthless.
Sex has a lot of power and importance and value and meaning for me - for LIZ. The issues are not simply Liz with-holds sex to punish her spouse. I am well aware he feels that way. For that, I am greatly sorry, but I can no longer believe that is the bottom line. For LIZ, it is so-o-o much more.
Sheesh, that was difficult to write,
Liz
for firedancer16
Submitted by nrparents on
I could have written most of your letter firedancer, it was a description of my husband and me (married since 1988). It does not get better. My husband stopped any physical contact 10 years ago, I don't get so much as a pat on the back, while being the breadwinner and CEO of the house, as you are.
What strikes me is how unhelpful therapists have been to you and to me. They lecture on how the disability must be accepted, and try telling that to an employer when your husband is always showing up late! What about the needs of the spouse, why are they less important? Like you, I have had therapists tell me to manage my anger, and explain to me what a hard childhood he had, and how he needs my understanding. Those same therapists get really mad when my husband doesn't show up to an appointment or forgets to bring his checkbook to pay them (again). Let them try living with that 24/7 and raising a family. Like you, I could only have one child because my husband said he couldn't handle any more. Now I realize I should have had more children and got rid of him, my son has proven to be ten times more loving and helpful than my husband ever was.
I want to find a support group for NVLD spouses, as noone else understands what we go through.
Keep strong!
firedancer, I feel the stress
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Firedancer, I feel your stress. No one can explain it OR possibly understand it unless they have LIVED it.........even therapists. I feel your stress with you, because its also what I'm going through. I feel very ashamed for staying as long as I did, praying, hoping, reading, working on issues, and I got lost in the chaos. I am now physically in daily pain, and disabled after years and years of doing more than I was capable of, on top of being injured in a serious car wreck and subsequent surgeries. There is no appreciation on my husbands part for how much I earned or did in the house, raising children, taking care of his mothet, helping him with HIS work every week, and much more. He seems incapable of empathy or seeing me as an equal.
The defensive anger continues to push me away, because I'm now too physically weak to stand the contined stress and hyperactivity/and chaos. I left this past week, after 33 years of marriage, because I have to heal and find myself again. I stopped feeling like a woman about 10 years ago. I can call myself a person but not a woman yet. My ADHD husband has the low sex drive and we went to non existant sex, his choice. It hurts to live with this condition when the person affected with it wont get treatment/ or blames others for all the things that have gone wrong. I had to stop trying to help us and only help me. Itsa very small start. Very small.