How many of us started off just wanting to love our spouses unconditionally? This is a good thing, but, I just didn't know all the different faces of Love...Nor did I know how to recognize fake spirits that showed pleasing attributes, and influenced me to say it's Love. My perception, was skewed because of my own neediness, and my own spiritual immaturity.
I didn't even recognize it in my own heart, so how could I beware of someone else's?....Mothering or enabling an adult is the same as starving a hungry man...Right before his payday comes we keep jumping in and cutting him off. Right before he can receive the just reward he so desperately deserves...
Sadly mosts of us continue this cycle until he has been without nutrition for so long that we've turned him into an invalid...So his growth becomes stunted because we refused to allow him to eat...
Why did I do this? Love? Sadly yes, but, it was a fake, that seemed pleasing...It fooled me...When I thought I was saving his life, I effectively starved him...
What fooled me? My neediness?....My faulty faith in my own abilities? All the things I've blamed for our conflict?
If you walk up to the payroll table and stick your hand out to get your paycheck it is your right to do so....If your spouse walks up to the payroll table and stands on their head, then reaches up to receive there paycheck it's their right to do so....
The moral of the story?...Whatever you do, when you see this adult standing on their head, never ask why, or tell him it's the wrong way;)
True Love isn't always pleasurable...If it was Jesus wouldn't have went to the cross...
Blessings C
Confused...
Submitted by chrisj0406 on
I know that this is probably an analogy but can you translate your post. I think there may be an important message in there for me but I struggling to understand what you are saying.
Translation....
Submitted by c ur self on
In many marriage's our difference's are profound...But, if we are wise both parties continue to grow....Grow meaning many things...Such as how to live and become more responsible, how to work faithfully and persevere, regardless of the circumstances life throw's at you...But, what I'm speaking about above is what happen's when one spouse judge's the other to be incapable or unfit by their standards and picks them up, put's them on their shoulders and carry's them...They effectively stop growing at that moment...The more they are carried, the more of an invalid they become, and the more they believe they are an invalid...
Step away; and ignore the floundering; some of us don't reach maturity until 80:)
C
Great in Theory
Submitted by SunshineSC on
I don't know how to do this. If my husband forgets to bring the trash to the street for the weekly pick-up, I just overlook it and smile at the letter my HOA sends me (along with a fine) about the trash piled up in my yard? I cannot overlook things that must be done and my husband doesn't do whether he is incapable, unwilling or forgets. How does one do this?
shelby33ky
Submitted by kellyj on
How about.....you go load the trash so you don't get fined or because it needs to be done.....but then, go to your H and tell him he needs to do something that only you do in exchange......saying.....that would only be fair. The reason I say this is just to bring up another issue and one that I have noticed my entire life when it comes to these things. The concept of "womans work" and "mans work." Just because women might not be AS strong as men in certain physical aspects....does not prevent most woman from 'getting their hands dirty" once in a while. I don't think men like getting their hands dirty any more than women but we get use to it because that is what is expected of us. It seems sometimes.....this thinking is the only thing that prevents us from doing things and the expectations that go along with either....."I can't or don't want to do it....and, this is "your job".
In a relationship.....the job is what ever needs to be done despite it's inherent unpleasantness. Unless it involves doing something that you are physically incapable of for yourself.....ALL jobs need to be done and someone needs to do it. Trading one for another seems to be good and equitable solution to this? It also serves to experience what the other one does to know exactly how hard or how difficult one job is compared to another. I think this not knowing some times gets everyone in a lot of trouble and keeping this false notion or "womans" or "mans" work alive. I think this notion is the problem more often than not. Plus...it serves to do exactly what you are saying.....to stop enabling and find something else to do instead and not let this slide. It also empowers you to do things on your own and not be dependent on ANY one to get your needs met and not take the fall for someone else's oversight if it effects you personally.
In respect to being confronted with this from his side of things.....what is he going to say if you approach him under those terms....No? "I can't" or "it's too hard"....to fold the laundry, sweep the floors, clean the kitchen...or any number of drudgery that you could pick from in exchange for taking out the garbage for him? I think shaming can be done in a way that leaves a person little choice if they are not doing their part once it's put in front of their face like this and not saying it to them directly? And you don't need to complain at all if you do this correctly and then just let that sit with him for a while and allow the embarrassment to sink in on it's own after a while.
Thinking....what will the neighbors think if you're the one out there doing "his" job for him. That kind of motivator can work pretty well for most men after a while all things considered?
J
I only wish!
Submitted by SunshineSC on
We have no issues with "woman's" or "man's" work, it just needs to get done. If I traded a chore, that won't get done either. His excuses generally are 1. You didn't give me enough time, I was going to get to it 2. I forgot trash day is Tuesday (though its been Tuesday for ten years), 3. I meant to but I was too busy fixing the kids a bowl of cereal -also called cooking dinner, that you asked me to do hence it is my fault he didn't get the trash out. He doesn't give one hoot what the neighbors think, he apparently doesn't give one hoot about what I think either. It's such a vicious cycle. I have been going to counseling, counselor suggests that I just keep doing it all because I know he isn't going to. My husband is happy with this arrangement of me not making demands on him but I am miserable.
Unfortunately...I Do Understand
Submitted by kellyj on
In my own family.....my father didn't do anything he didn't want to do and my mother did everything around the house. In my lifetime growing up.....my father never went to the grocery store...did his own laundry...or cleaned or did anything inside the house ever. Not even ONCE!!! Are you kidding me??? No freaking way. He liked it just the way it was too and was not about to change.....ever. I hear you.....some people do not want to change for any reason what so ever and refuse to do it along with an attitude!
J
PS....However....the thing I mentioned about the neighbors seeing my mother take out the trash in my home example......THAT would have worked with him! Old school!
Does any of us know how?
Submitted by c ur self on
Doing the same things over and over has caused me to move out of my comfort zone, and my own denial of thinking if I point these things out, and I TALK :) to her it will help! LOL.....NO!
The progress I have made has come about by making sure of a few things...1) I'm not placing expectations of her that effect my emotional health, and I mange my emotions under ever circumstance. 2) It has caused me to turn to places I've very uncomfortable with, but, seems to be very good for me/us....Silence is fine on my deer stand, but, I'm by nature a happy person and a talker...I've found out the talking to someone who will most always take a defensive position had to stop for me to maintain calm. It also seems to be a killer for her denial, because most of it is based on her ability to quickly divert from the subject matter, jump to high emotions and blame. (My add wife is an expert at it, and I'm no match, nor do I want to be)
If a person has no one to blame, they eventually will have to deal with themselves. Right now my wife is locked away in a room watching TV. She has been there for a day or two in depression because she can't get me to engage her about something she did, but wants me to take the blame, so she can feel good about herself again....The light is starting to come for me, and the more comfortable I get at being quiet and not verbally taking the bait the more my emotions are stable. The more I can be at peace no matter how many dishes I wash, floors I sweep or vacuum etc....I would keep my house and yards clean if she didn't even exist...(Also I've learned her messiness want kill me) I can except her reality, Or I can move on....But protecting my own emotional health is my priority...When I do this I'm at peace, and I can be a benefit to our relationship and not just another stumbling Stone...
C
Thank You C Ur Self!
Submitted by SunshineSC on
Thanks for posting this. One sentence really helps me - "I would keep my house and yards clean if she didn't even exist..." . I need to try to embrace this and not be so upset about doing almost everything, because you are right. I would keep my home nice even if i lived there alone. Its hard to not be frustrated when someone else creates a lot more work for you though. I am working on it. I cannot allow this situation to continue to rule my life.
How Not to Be an Enabler?
Submitted by kellyj on
If a person has no one to blame, they eventually will have to deal with themselves. Right now my wife is locked away in a room watching TV. She has been there for a day or two in depression because she can't get me to engage her about something she did, but wants me to take the blame, so she can feel good about herself again....
Did you lock her away into her room to watch TV? No...that was her choice.
Are you responsible for your wife's depression? No. People who suffer from depression.....suffer from depression. You are not responsible for the mechanics of why some people get depressed or overwhelmed by their stress, anxiety and negative emotions (particularly about themselves which is part of the impetus for it) OR..... their inability to process through it and deal with these things on their own. All you can do is be supportive but this is not your fault. It may not be their fault that they can't do this themselves but it is not your job to make it all better for them either. If some one has never learn to do this on their own without blaming someone else and rationalizing that some how you are the one to blame in order to make it all go away....the best thing to do is just let them sit with it and figure it out for themselves. Hopefully.....they will arrive at some conclusion by themselves eventually and gain acceptance along the way. Hopefully?
Eventually....they will learn to go through the process on their own with no other alternative.
What's the process? Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then Acceptance
That pretty much tells you where she is in the process.....this is where she got stuck this time. Hopefully...she will emerge from her room with some version of acceptance about this ONE situation....... even if it still is not clean or free of any part of these stages that haven't been satisfied yet. It doesn't go in a straight line step by step either. It can and will bounce around and moves back and forth for a while until all the criteria have been reached in order to process it through completely.
The situation that caused it is irrelevant. Learning how to process these things on her own and come to some rational version of acceptance IS. Arguing about the details and why is futile......not stepping into the ring is your best option! Right on!!
If you engage her within this process ( or get baited and sucked into it) and become the scape goat so she doesn't have to go through the pain or doing it.....she will never learn. All you can do is steer clear of her when she tries to suck you into it which gives her no place else to go! Anxiety and her inability to deal with it I think is the real problem here based on myself and what I know of my own past. Is this child like in appearance? Yes. But it's not from lack of maturity in other ways.....only in this way.....the emotional one. Emotional intelligence? Questionable...but in my humble opinion, it also has a lot to do with the ADHD itself.
This is (as I now believe) is part of .....one of those mysteries that has to do with the ADHD...... and this not happening on it's own automatically like most other people....the part that we have to do manually and it does take a lot of effort and ability to learn how and then practice it until you get it down. Just one more thing to put on the list of things we need to learn how to do. If you do it for us.....we will never learn.
If there is any fault or cause on your end for becoming an enabler in the first place....it is simply because you didn't understand this before. Now that you do....you can understand why it is important not to do these things for us and become an enabler since......nothing will ever change if you do. That's why its so important for you not to do it! IMHO You got it. This is how you do it but...... it ain't always easy:) Grin and bear it my friend;) Good for you!!!
J