My partner with ADHD lies to cover up shame or embarrassment. He will tell me he is doing something when he is not, or will lie that he didn't do something if he knows it would stir up conflict or I would not agree. On top of that, his communication style is such that his actions do not match his words- for example he will say he is "Wrapping up" at work and then won't be actually done until an hour later (I recognize no bad intentions) but it makes it very , very difficult to trust just about anything he says as reality, factual and accurate. Hell even text "On my way" before he's even in his car driving. It's almost a habitual, chronic overcompensation to make himself sound good and on top of things when in fact I see right through it. Trust, transparency and honesty to me are not only strong values I have AND they are everything to me in feeling a connection with a partner, feeling safe, etc. These issues have gone on for years and I am feeling hopeless :( I can logically know he isn't malicious and yet at same time I have to be honest with myself- I can't exist forever in a marriage like this.
Trust is so hard
Submitted by snowflake2022 on 12/03/2022.
Another post I could have written myself
Submitted by Elsa on
Dear Snowflake
This is so frustrating to deal with isn't it , something my partner does all the time and nearly always to cover something up because of his huge self esteem issues .
I was about to post something myself when I got to my destination and as I was driving I was also thinking about how trust ,transparency and honesty are essential in my relationship and with them missing as they are with my ADHD partner , intimacy and connection are non existent ! I am so sad and lonely in my relationship.
If I call my partner on this behaviour it just descends into a vile rant where I will be to blame and he will call me horrendous names etc and leave me a sobbing shiverelled up wreck on the floor , of course he has had his dopamine hit so minutes later he is feeling great , I meanwhile am left looking in at myself in disgust at the emotional punch bag I have become .
Thank you for this- I agree
Submitted by snowflake2022 on
Thank you for this- I agree trust is EVERYTHING in a relationship. I think the worst part is of course the lying or cover ups and the impulsivity but also the deflecting, minimizing and excuses :/
Hi Snowflake....
Submitted by c ur self on
Reading your post is a snapshot of many of our lives...There is a place where you and I and many others have to go, IF* we are going to fully accept the person we are married to...I never wanted to go there for the reason's you have listed, and many of us never get there....Because it means full acceptance of a spouse who is...."Living in a mind that produces a life contrary (in so many ways) to what I wanted and expected from a spouse"...When a person's focus is so centered on themselves (what is driving their minds in the moment) they don't have any ability to do, or even think differently, (break free, and instantly return) the product will be what you see...Mine and your texts to our spouse's (in these moments) are total distractions to them, and their intention's (attempts) to appease us, (the lies, or half truths) tell us what they think we want to hear, and what we should be hearing...But these reply's you speak of isn't something they have the power to make happen as stated...Thus the product many of us deal w/ and post about here.....
My spouse gets off at 1:30 pm...She may make it home at 2:00 or before...Or it may be 3, 4, or dark...LOL...Thankfully I don't care any longer...Care meaning, I respect the mind and life she is capable and desires to live...Learning to be the fly on the wall is easy to type, but, much harder to live out, w/a spouse anyway....IF you notice most of the posts on this site, somewhere during our rants/factual life details, we interject some good things about our spouses..etc etc...:)...A few years back, I knew I needed to get to a better place...It took me living my life, in a single type style when it comes to meals, responsibilities in life, fun things, friends, and even family some of the time. (and still keep my vows of course)...If I depended on her to keep her word, or think like me when it comes to accountability, and responsibility, I would stay emotionally messed up...Expectations are killers to start with, but, when a non dumps them on a add mind, it's ugly!!! LOL...I was always the loser, I was always the anal one, because I was setting around wasting my life, waiting on her to care or keep her word...
It's not for everyone, I prayed and still pray a lot for my own peace of mind and spirit...I still have to tell her NO to certain things, (trips, activities etc) that I know she will hyper focus on, thus making me invisible....I had to learn about boundaries for myself....
Many of us could link together w/ no problem, because we would keep our word, and we would learn to trust that...But, so many of us in our situations, may never be able to form that trust strictly out of capability of mind...We have to respect the working of the mind, and never attempt to think for each other....I know wrong is wrong, but, I also know certain things are possible, and certain things are not....Be the fly on the wall if you can...
Blessings
c
Dear Snowflake and C
Submitted by Elsa on
You are both so good at putting into words the experience of life with an ADHD partner , I am very grateful for you wise and articulate folk on here and that I truly believe have stopped me going insane with it all . I mean I am very close to a breakdown but this forum has literally keeping me from the edge ! I know nothing about you all really , never met , no idea about race , religion or real names and most I think are across the Atlantic from me and yet you all get "it " and how I am feeling more than my family or friends . My partners ADHD and the disruption to our lives currently is causing me to loose my closest relationship that with my dear sister , she doesn't understand, the person I trusted most to talk to and share has had enough ,I do not blame her , thank you for you all being here I am so grateful .
I pray to reach the point you have C , if I am honest , hope you do not mind me saying so , I was horrified when I first read your practices of setting boundaries, I felt it was sad and like you C not what I had in my long marriage before ADHD partner . But I reflected and realised I had already set some boundaries in place to cope with some practical aspects of life and know it ,along with expectations being realistic about your future relationship with an ADHD spouse ,not always striving for what you think a relationship should or could be but what you actually have is the only way forward .
Snowflake yes I agree the compulsive lying is one of the worst aspects isn't it , not how i am and years down the line I am still amazed how much he does or how he fails to recognise the damage it does .
wishing you all a good evening/ day wherever you are . X
Elsa i can feel your pain-
Submitted by snowflake2022 on
Elsa i can feel your pain- you're not alone. I'm doing a lot of introspection and figuring out my role and things to work on bc everything else around me feels out of control. The worst for me is when there has been a frustrating or upsetting behavior (late to our kids' daycare pick up) he'll spin it to make himself sound better "I was only 4 mins late" or say "it all worked out" even tho I am super stressed. He doesn't get that I need more humility from him more actual recognition...hope this makes sense.
It all worked out
Submitted by adhd32 on
Usually things work out because someone made an accommodation for them. If H was late to pick-up, someone had to stay later to accommodate him. If H didn't read the sign and the ticket agent points it out so he can move before writing a ticket, that is an accommodation. The thing I have found is that when an accommodation is extended to him, H tends to think it is policy.
So the next time he is late to pick up and the staff is less than thrilled and points out his tardiness he acts like a victim. He doesn't appreciate all the extra considerations afforded to him and will whine "they said it was okay the last time". If I say they were being polite the first time and did not expect your tardiness to become a bad habit he would get angry. So, we were put on the late to pick up list and penalized for late pick-ups. He carried on about unfairness and traffic as if he was the only one dealing with the same obstacles. He refused to accept that someone had to stay and wait for him and he had to pay for their time, his take was a staff member should be there late everyday. OK, but they want to go home too and whatever late extension could be made to the time would still be missed by him. Obviously, they didn't know how much more important and busy his life is ....lather, rinse, repeat.
Elsa...No, I don't mind at all....
Submitted by c ur self on
You're not the only one who thinks boundaries are kind of radical and a burden....My late wife of 30 years, and my now add wife of 15 years, has no commonality when it comes to the way they interact in married life....It just goes back to what is the alternatives?.....Do I take part in verbal wars that her mind can't comprehend after the first hint of emotion elevation?...Sadly fell in this trap for years...No, not taking part ever again.......Do I just live completely disengaged like two roommates that don't even like each other? No, I've tried this, but, it's not for me either....I will disengage at times, in those moments when she can't hear, and is having an emotional outburst of some kind...I have to make sure that I don't seem to be trying to own it, or give her any reason to attempt to drag me into it (and she will lol)....Misery loves company, so wisdom say's do not engage or try to fix or help what is out of anyone's else's control....She has to own those times to grow, if I interject anything trying to help, it instantly causes her to dump any ownership she was going to have to stomach....My focus has to be the same with this wife, as it was with my late wife....Just love her...Love mean's; living in an understanding manner....What was understanding for my first beautiful, sweet, meek wife who only desired to be by my side.....And my current, beautiful, sweet, independent, self absorbed, bounce off the walls, fun loving, mundane hating wife, is completely different....My life could overwhelm my first wife at times....My life got lost in a flash with my current wife.....
So, I just had to get my life back, and be totally at peace with not thinking I could/can say, or do, anything to create a desire or an ability for permanent change in my wife...Once I realized the poison of attempting that, and the beauty of my own self inflicted boundaries, and quietness in the chaos, my life (physical, emotional, etc.) and our marriage relationship took a much healthier path....
There are many things about a person's heart and mind, that is hidden from others, but, I know this....If the power of real Love can't effect it....I personally wouldn't try anything else...I can easily leave, I don't need her, but, I try to put myself in her shoes, she carries around a lot of pain and shame, that she boldly hides....I want to spend my life attempting to be her husband....I think God wants that for us also.....
c